John Ki | The Secret Rules of Being a Man | Comedy Now!

Tonight, comedy of John Key! My name's John Key. I was born in a place called Welland, Ontario. Anyone know where Welland, Ontario is? I honestly don't know why you're clapping for Welland, Ontario. I was actually born there in the 70s. For those of you who don't know, Welland is pretty much the whitest little city in southern Ontario. And we are literally the only Asian family in the whole region. Like, it was so bad, people would drive by my house, get out of their car and be like, There. That's where they live. Right there. And I gotta admit, I faced a lot of racism growing up. And not that crazy stuff you see down south. The racism I faced came like a form of questions from other kids. You know, I have kids run up to me and be like, Hey John! What's your real name? Hey John! Ching chong ching chong wah! Did I say something in Chinese? But the one I hated the most. Hey John! How come my mom won't let you play with our cat? God, I hated Welland. Oh man. I got married in 2009. Yeah, I got married to the love of my life. Thank you. Thank you very much. Her name's Soojin. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. But I gotta tell you, I'm already sick of her telling me... Let me finish. I'm already sick of her telling me how easy it is to be a guy. Blah blah blah. It's so easy being a guy. You guys have it so easy. And I can see some of your ladies' faces right now, right? I'm not saying it's not hard being a woman. I'm not. These two things are mutually exclusive. It is hard work being a man. It is. Right guys? It's hard work, isn't it guys? And I get it, you know, because there are things that women can do that I can't. Right? Wear heels, give birth, give head. These are things that I can't do. Right? But it is hard work being a guy. Because there are rules that we live by that you ladies have no idea about. Right? And one of the basic rules that we live by as guys is that you never want to be seen as a pussy in front of your boys. Oh yeah, this governs our lives. Like ladies, have you ever been with your boyfriend? And he's hanging out with his buddies and you're sitting there going, Why the **** is he always such an asshole when he's with his friends? It's because we live by this code. And I'll give you an example. Somebody tell me, who's more emotional in this world, men or women? Women, right? See, for the longest time I thought it was women. But I've realized, it's not that women are more emotional, it's just more socially acceptable for women to be emotional. Because a girl can have a bad day at work, get home, call her friend and be like, Oh Shirley! These girls in my office are so mean to me. They make me feel so stupid, like, like I'm a loser. And what's Shirley gonna say? They don't know you! You're smart, you're beautiful, you're intelligent, just **** those bitches! Yeah, they'll tell you what to do because nobody talks to you like that. And you're like, oh my god Shirley, you're the best friend ever. She's like, I know, I love you. I love you too. Right, because that's what women can do. But we as guys, we can't do that. I can't have a tough day at work, get home, call my buddy and be like, Yo Eric, man. God, these guys at work are so mean to me. Man, they make me feel so stupid, like, like I don't know, like I'm a loser. Because what's my buddy Eric gonna say? You know exactly what he's gonna say. He's gonna be like, you are a ******* loser. What? And you gotta stop calling me, you pussy, and hang up the phone. Because that's how we are as guys. And I can't tell him I love him. Right? Here, let me rephrase that. There are certain times that I can tell my buddy I love him. Right, if he does something super awesome like get me Super Bowl tickets. If one of us is dying. Or if I'm really drunk and lonely one night, right? But even in those times, I gotta somehow incorporate the word man. The word man has to be there. Listen how different this sounds. Yo Eric, man. I love you, man. Yo Eric. I love you. It just doesn't work, right? And every guy in this room knows the ah way rule. The ah way rule, if you're thin ah way, like between these chairs. Or you're on a plane or a train. And you're walking up the ah way. And you see another guy walking towards you. And you have to pass this guy. What do you do? You turn away, right? Right, it's the ass to ass pass, right? Every guy knows this. You know, I turn this way. He turns this way. So when we pass each other, we pass ass to ass. But every once in a while you get that one ******, right? You guys know what I'm talking about. You see him coming. He acknowledges you with like a head nod. And what does he do? He gives you dick to ass. And it is the worst feeling in this world, isn't it guys? When you're standing there helpless. And you realize that he's not turning the right way. And you start getting those butterflies in your stomach. Because you know at any second you're going to feel balls brushed against your ass. But you just want to grab and be like, you know, **** it. I recently realized that my wife is crazy. As well. She's not actually here tonight so I can say this stuff. And I'll tell you why. We got in a little fight a little while ago. And she was angry at me for a week and a half. Is that normal? Like a week and a half? Like to me that takes a lot of commitment and a little bit of crazy, right? Because me, like I'll tell you. Because myself, after I got in a fight, after I've like eaten something and masturbated. You know, I'm usually not angry anymore. Let me tell you something guys. Here's a little bit of advice. Don't let your wife catch you masturbating after you've gotten in a fight. They don't like it. I don't know why. It doesn't involve them. It's really about me right now, right? It really makes them angry. I'll tell you something. You know what? I love being Canadian. I love the fact that everyone in this room at one point in their life has probably tried smoking weed. Which is funny. And I gotta tell you about the first time I ever tried smoking it. I was 21 at the time, which is late in weed years. It is. Like what age do kids start smoking weed nowadays? 12? 10? Did I hear 10? Like what kind of problems do you have at 10? **** these G.I. Joes! Give me some weed! What are you doing at 10? No, I was 21 at the time. I was with my girlfriend who was white. Whatever. We were hanging out at her place and I don't know what kind of weed she had. But it was like that wheelchair weed. You guys know what I'm talking about. You smoke it and you just feel handicapped, right? You're like, what the hell just hit me, right? It was so strong. It was so strong I lost all concept of time. You guys know how this is. You're sitting there going, holy crap. It's only been a minute. How's that only been a minute? It felt like I was trapped in a comic book. You guys know how comic books are. You got boxes of action, but there's no action in between. So you gotta assume something has happened from this box to this box, right? So I'd be standing there going, okay. I remember being over there. And then I remember being over there. But what the hell am I doing over here right now? Right? So I'm standing in the living room with my girl. I'm like, sweetie, I'm pretty hungry. She's like, yeah, me too. I'm like, maybe we should order some Chinese food. She's like, yeah, that's a great idea. So I get up to go use Yellow Pages. And next thing I know, there's a knock on the door. And I am scared out of my ******* mind, right? Because in my mind, I think somehow the cops know. Somehow they know, right? Maybe they were driving by, they smelt it, now they're here to arrest me. So I start losing my ----. I'm like, sweetie, answer the door. She's like, no, you answer it. I'm like, answer the ******* door. She goes to the window and looks out. And says, John, you should answer it. I'm like, why? It's an Asian guy. I'm like, so? She's like, well, it's your people. Now let me tell you something. Normally that would upset me. But I was so freaking high, I'm like, holy ----. Maybe my people need me. You know, I didn't see the bat signal. Maybe they sent an Asian guy to get me, right? Maybe they need help. So I go to the door, I'm like, what do you want? He's like, I brought you Chinese food. I'm like, holy crap, how did you know? How did you know I wanted Chinese food? Apparently I was standing at those yellow pages for 40 ******* minutes. Trying to decide what I wanted to order when I had already ordered. Now I didn't know this. So I thought the Chinese delivery man could read my mind. So I asked him, I'm like, how did you know? But he didn't speak English, so I asked him in Chinese. I'm like, how did you know? You know what he says to me? You gotta stop smoking crack. So I see the man and he left. And as I was standing there in the doorway, I'm like, holy crap, that was crazy. Because I'm Korean, I don't speak Chinese. I don't know what it is about guys. We get pleasure out of causing our buddies pain. There's just something about it. I don't know, I think girls are different about this. Like, do you mess with your friends' heads? Never, right? You never had that? Just sitting at home one day with your roommate thinking to yourself, maybe I'll just mess with your head one day. You're like, I don't know, maybe you're just getting fatter. No? Never crossed your mind, eh? See, I think that's a guy thing. See, women don't understand this. Like, we really get pleasure out of seeing our buddies suffer. And I'll tell you a story. A while ago, my good friend Jose somehow got the passcode to my cell phone. And he decided to change my voicemail to a gay hot sex line. And that's pretty funny. But the problem was, the only person to call me that day was my mom. Yeah, so... And I didn't pick up, so it went to voicemail, right? So I get this weird message from my mom. It's like, oh no, sorry. And I think something's wrong, right? Because my mom doesn't leave messages like that. My mom's the type of person that'll call, leave a 10-minute message, make me feel guilty about not calling her. The beep will happen, she'll get confused. Call back, leave another 10-minute message. Right, so I think something's wrong, so I call up my mom. I'm like, mom, what's going on? She's like, John, are you in trouble? I'm like, no, I think I'm okay. John, do you need money? I'm like, well, yeah, I could always use money, mom. No, I think I'm okay. She's like, John, are you the gay? The gay mom? As if there's only one gay person in this whole entire world and she thinks it's some big game of tag and for some reason I'm it right now, right? I'm like, no, mom, I'm not the gay. But then I realize what Jose had done. I'm like, it's on. It is so on, right? Because like I was saying before, I can't be seen as a pussy. I have to get him back. So the next day I get a friend of mine to call him up. Hi, Mr. Jose Cadogan? Yes. We need you to come into the free health clinic. She tested positive for three STDs yesterday. I get on the phone. I'm like, dude, when do you want to book your appointment? He hangs up the phone and doesn't talk to me for two years. Two years. This is a true story. He is here tonight. You can ask him after the show. Two years. He told me I had crossed that line. You know that line that guys have, right? You just don't cross it. So two years go by. He calls me up a week before my birthday. He's like, you know what, dude? I'm going to let bygones be bygones. I'm going to take you out for your birthday. I'm like, thanks, man. That means a lot to me. And it really did because I felt like a douche, right? So he takes me out for my birthday. Gets me absolutely polluted drunk. I end up passing out. The next morning I wake up. There's a little note on my nightstand. It says www.chinesesurprise.com. So I go to my computer. I type in the web address. And I see pictures of myself passed out. Progressively getting more and more naked. Now I don't know if he photoshopped this stuff in. Or if they were actually there. But there was like farm animals and midgets and stuff, right? And on the last page was a picture of him buck naked wearing a Zorro mask tea-bagging me. Yeah, and underneath it said Surprise, you Chinese bastard. Right, which of course hurt me the most, right? Because he's my best friend and he knows I'm Korean. That's just mean, isn't it? Right, so I get a call from Jose that morning. I'm like, dude, what's up? He's like, is it over? I'm like, yeah, it's over. But it's not ******* over. His birthday's a month later. I take him out to his favorite restaurant. This dirty Mexican place. This dirty, greasy Mexican place. He loves it, right? Get it loaded up on quesadillas, nachos, tacos. Corona, corona, corona. Shot after shot after shot of tequila. Literally, I made him to like this huge pinata. I end up carrying him back to his apartment. He crawls into his bedroom. Locks the door and says, Go home, you ******. You're not getting me. I said, that's okay. So I grab my gym bag. I went to his bathroom. I put down the lid of his toilet seat. I took out my 16 rolls of duct tape. And I went to town on his toilet. His only toilet. Around. And around. And around his toilet. I get a call from Jose the next morning. I'm like, dude, what's up? He's like, My girlfriend says we can't hang out anymore. I'm like, really? Why not? He goes, well, you bastard. I woke up this morning. I thought my ass was going to explode. I'm like, yeah, tell me more. He goes, well, I ran to the bathroom. And I couldn't take a ---- in the toilet. So I had to take a ---- in the bathtub. I'm like, oh my god, that's awesome. Because ladies, I don't know if you understand this. There's different levels of awesome for guys. There's like finding money on the ground awesome. There's having sex with a hot girl awesome. And then there's having your buddy take a ---- in a bathtub awesome. That's just like a whole other level of awesome, right? But then I realized something. I'm like, just wait one second. Why is your girlfriend so upset? She was taking a shower, dude. We are the stupidest creatures, guys. And I think that's why it upsets me so much when I meet stupid women. Because you're supposed to be the smarter sex. It's a given, we're stupid. I remember this girl I knew for a little while. She was hanging out at my house one day. And she looks at me, she goes, you know what, John? I never noticed, but you're pretty tall for an Asian guy, huh? I'm like, yeah, I guess so. She's like, are your parents that tall? I'm like, yeah, sure. Is that why they immigrated to Canada? What? Because they're so tall, is that why they immigrated to Canada? Yes, yes. My parents were giants in their country. And they had to flee persecution and seek refugee status in Canada because they were freaks of nature. You ******* idiot. Because we as guys, as stupid as we are, we got checks and balances, right? Your buddy says something stupid, you punch him, you're like, smart enough. He's like, ah, crap, I should get smarter. But I guess women don't have this. Because the one that upset me the most just happened recently. This buddy of mine introduced me to this woman on Twitter. Yo, chink, what's up? I'm like, excuse me? She's like, no, no, my ex-boyfriend was Asian, it's cool. Let me tell you something, it's not cool. It's not even a cool word, right? It's not like when I see other Asian guys, I'm like, yo, chink, what's up? We don't do that. So I got angry. But let me tell you something, there's no excuse good enough ever to hit a woman. So I did the only thing I could think of. I reached across the table and I was like, yeah. She looks at me, she's like, what the hell are you doing? I'm like, no, no, my ex-girlfriend was white, it's cool.