Jay Flake ｜ Nateland Presents： The Showcase

Hey, I'm Nate Burgessi. I'm excited to bring you some of the funniest comedians you haven't met yet, but that's about to change We filmed this live in Nashville, Tennessee, and yes, everyone promised to behave. This is the Nate Land Showcase. I'm a cheer dad and If you're not one you won't know about it till you know about it, okay? I have to travel to New Orleans every year because I'm a cheer dad and And once you go to New Orleans the first few times you enjoy it quite a bit because it's something new It's a party town, but I'm tired of New Orleans at this point in time. I'll be honest with y'all I've went so many times you start noticing little things about New Orleans like it smells really bad in New Orleans Like Bourbon Street smells like a dorm college male party that happened over the weekend and none of y'all have bathed That's what it smells like on Bourbon Street So this last time that we went we did something a little different since we've done everything else in New Orleans We did something that black people normally don't do we uh start doing the ghost tours Y'all know black people don't fool with no ghosts like we We ain't fooling with none of that. There's a couple things I learned when it came to this ghost tour I learned there's ageism when it comes to being a ghost, okay? Like there's no ghost story where the person died after 1910 like there's nothing that does not exist Like there's nobody who died in 96 and somebody living room singing NSYNC each morning as a ghost It's not happening people Also realized there was no black ghost stories either. I said we are in New Orleans They had sugar plantations full of slaves. You mean to tell me that every time a white person visit a plantation It's not a black ghost just beating them up every single time they come through That's not happening at all So I went home and did some research. I went home did some research I had watched two seasons of this show called Ghost Hunters two full seasons It was not one episode where they was like well here we are in the evergreen projects Looking for DeMonte who's been killing crackheads for the last 20 years. It was not It's not one episode of that I realized soon that I don't even think black people can be zombies. I don't think black people can be zombies The last black person to try to let us know they wanted to be a zombie was Michael Jackson. He was the person He had a 30-minute documentary called Thriller. He wanted to come back As a zombie. I'm also a fan of the show called The Walking Dead Okay, Walking Dead has about five spinoff show. It's about 300 episodes of The Walking Dead, okay You know how many black zombies have been on The Walking Dead? Two This show is based in Atlanta, Georgia y'all. The show is based in Atlanta, Georgia Ain't you like having a zombie movie in Massachusetts and they all be Mexican like it's not gonna happen It's not gonna happen y'all They also say Atlanta is the gay capital of the world. They say that as well There's not one gay zombie on The Walking Dead either Like they can check both box. You can have a gay black zombie every episode of The Walking Dead He just running out to somebody to stop running Let me bite you He was delicious like every episode My parents just retired So they like to travel they want to learn to travel They're one of those a lot of people know these people that drive like 10-12 hours to go on vacation That has become my parents. I told him I said you guys have got a little bit too old to be driving You know 10 and 12 hours to go on vacation So I said I'm gonna teach you guys how to really travel so we gonna fly out now there was a mistake because I Took them out of the country for their first trip Which was a mistake I said get your passport I'm gonna take you out the country for your first trip to be honest with y'all I don't really love them that much to take them out the country for seven days However, both of them handicapped. So I look as a blessing in disguise. I was like we getting a fast pass every line we get Y'all been to Jamaica y'all seen that long line when you get off the airplane. Yeah fast pass get in that wheelchair. Let's go So before we left though, I had three conversations with them on how to pack your bag I said, hey, this is how you supposed to pack your bag These things you put in your carry-on bag when you get on the plane Three conversations. Okay Some told me to check it as soon as they got to my house I should have known to check it immediately because I took their bags out the trunk and they was wrapped in plastic They used to be on your grandmama couch. I said why is luggage wrapped in plastic bags This is embarrassed I should have known then but I said no I wait before we go So before we went I get in the carry-on bag. I checked in the carry-on bag The first thing I find was a pocketknife about this big. I Looked my father dead in his eyes and said why do you have a pocketknife? We had a whole conversation about this. I don't know if you remember but something happened in oh one that we talked about every year Yeah, it's September. We talk about it all the time Where were you when it happened? Yeah, that's the reason why you can't bring this pocketknife, sir. I need you to know that So then I said I had to investigate even further. So I look deep into a bag I find a ziploc baggie with a pile of substance in it that has a tint of yellow With this baggie y'all we are landing in Miami before we go to Jamaica. I Said I don't know if y'all remember tonight, but something happens in Miami quite a bit How they got a whole bunch of money? We're a product like this. First of all, do retirement make you start you and drugs like what is going on? Y'all got that boy in retirement y'all doing drugs now So I said we gonna put that up. My mom said hey, that's my diabetic sugar I said this is gonna be a sugarless vacation. Okay, this is gonna be So we get to the airport My mom she's putting her stuff in the being boom push it through. She take her shoes off and she ain't got no socks on I'm be honest with y'all. If you ain't got no socks on going through TSA. I think you are serial killer I'm gonna be honest with you. I think you were two arguments away from going on the killing spree I noticed my mom, but I will put her on the list, too I'm gonna be honest with you She is now on the list as being a serial killer and they said if you see something say something So I said something So I think she got a little cocaine in a baggie, too I grew up as a husky kid. Anybody else grew up as a husky kid? Yeah, it's a few of y'all. It's more y'all. I can see y'all. It's more y'all in I can see y'all We'll talk about it after the show. We'll talk about it after the show. I Grew up as a husky kid one thing about it You don't know you a husky kid until you get to middle school like before then you just get undressed and from your family That's how you normally look Nobody never says anything when you grow up as a husky kid when you get the middle school You got to dress out in front of other people That's when you realize you bigger than what you supposed to be And I'm gonna tell you how I figure it out because I thought we just have money to be honest with you Cuz my mom used to buy me the husky jeans, you know, if y'all remember the husky jeans They cost more than the regular jeans. I thought there was like an upgraded Levi brand like Gucci or something like that That's what I thought Because husky jeans they get out the back regular jeans they get off the rack so it make you feel like you got some money You know me So I'm in middle school. I get undressed this one dude picks up my jeans like man who jeans it is I grabbed the jeans was like hey, man, you scared cuz y'all broke like You you just mad cuz y'all broke I Said they get my jeans out the back. They get yours off the rack and he was like, that's what you think I said, of course upgraded Levi brand. What do you mean? He said no, man You and your dad shouldn't wear the same size pants I said I'd have to go home and ask my mom about it I said, hey do me and pops wear the same size jeans and she was like, yeah, but you got a good heart Turn up by having a good heart Trying to look good for Kathy like what are you talking about? I Got three daughters. I'm the only man in my house Married man live with four women. It is crazy in my house at all times Crazy, first of all, it's a lot of pressure being the only man in the house Cuz women y'all expect us not to fix everything that breaks in the house Don't be honest with y'all. I cannot my wife has never paid attention to these hands These hands ain't got no callus on them. I even got a lotion on and my nails a clip That's a pure sign that I can't fix nothing in the house No, I cannot take the toilet out the floor unclog and put the toilet back in the floor. No, I cannot But when you are the man of the house it come with a lot of things I know as me and we get caught up in a lot of things to try to get all the money I gotta get all this money to make sure my family straight. I can make sure they take care of pay for college I think that's the number two thing on the list Number one thing is being able to protect your house Your family got to know they can lay down every night and know that dad got me if something happens And each night I lay in my bed next to my wife with a single tear that dropped down my eye Knowing they will not do the same for me Those people will let me die if he came down to it Like mom's about to get two jobs, but we gonna use this insurance policy One night something did happen 2 3rd in the morning we had a guy that had a mental health issue He is trying to get into our house. I'm gonna lie to y'all. I heard the alarm go off, but I had simply just rolled over I mean, I knew that wasn't gonna do anything for me. So why should I risk my life? I paid taxes and we got a nosy white lady next door. The police will be here in 35 seconds Like what are we talking about? My wife tapped me said hey you got to do something so I got up I took my shirt off She said what are you doing? So don't worry about it. I Got it. She's a big man. You got it. You got I said, yeah big daddy got So I get down the hallway. Somebody is trying to break into our house I do realize this and I said I got to do whatever I can to get this person away from my door You know I'm saying so I yell at the door the first thing I thought about I had watched episode of Cobra Kai earlier that Night and I had worked on the crane kick. I was like I could think I can pull this off I said, but it's not gonna work. I Yeah, I said so the next I came away the other door I said whoever y'all soon as you come in, I'm gonna blow up the whole house. I said well, that's stupid Who am I McGovern? I'm gonna blow up the whole house. That's crazy So I said this ought to work. I yelled at the front door. I said whoever y'all soon as you come in I'm gonna shoot you in your face Now I didn't realize my nine-year-old was standing upstairs watching the whole thing Now she looking over at me to my some daddy. You ain't even got no gun. I said, hold on. Hold on. Don't do that Don't do that I'm trying to protect y'all you told the whole neighborhood ain't got no gun I Said get your sisters y'all get in the bathroom. Lock the door fight him off with a pom-pom curling iron, whatever happens Because they didn't get past your daddy now this is where it gets sticky, okay She got in there and locked the door now, I just I had lotion up real good fight with the bed So I was all shiny and slick and oily. I Had rolled my underwear off at this point time So I'm just standing in this front door Waiting on this man to come in now in my mind like any other man I'm not gonna fight another man, but naked like I'm not gonna do that This man finally gets the door look this man out of I I said, it's been a fantasy of mine my whole life Ain't never seen somebody run so fast without the police I've got I go to the front step and say ooh stop running Let me bite you Thank y'all so much my name is Jake Blake