An Adoption Story- An Adoptive Parent’s Journey

One thing in particular I remember was walking up the street in St Petersburg with Alex and had his little hand and we stopped at this traffic lights. Bloody hopeless. I can't remember this. No well you weren't there, it was just me and him, I took him out for a walk. Oh right, yeah. And his little eyes looked up at me. Here we've got this little guy, we're looking after him, he's ours for life. This little face just looking up at me. And he still does. Well we actually met through a very good friend of mine that I was flatting with and he was a barman at a local pub in London. So he introduced us. He said there's a little Kiwi girl that goes into the pub a bit. Well there was a few of us wasn't there? Yeah, so we met that way. And it was all history. A smoke filled bar. Yeah, here's the story. And the smoke parted and here was this vision. A young Kiwi girl came over and asked me if I'd like to, if she could buy me a pint. Once we got married we thought well you know try for a family but then that didn't happen. I had got diagnosed with endometriosis so that was making it quite difficult. And then one of the guys I was working with started telling me about relations of his that had been to Russia and had adopted two little girls. And I also worked with a lady who had adopted two Romanian children but I hadn't, I thought oh that's, you know, we certainly wouldn't be going that far. But we ended up, yeah, so we knew it was possible to go to Russia. And so then we, yeah, the ball just started rolling then. We were on the New Zealand adoption list for a couple of years and nothing, nothing was happening you know. So then Janice got one to the inter-country adoption and we went down that track and next thing we were over in Russia. I just knew that I'd like to have a family. Because I grew up in a reasonable sized family and it's just that next step isn't it I think. That you think you're going to have a family and that's, yeah, carry on from there. Yeah I guess we hadn't really thought of how an ideal family would look. It just seemed to progress that way you know. So that's how it happened. There was a bit that you had to go through but it was nicely streamlined. So as long as you followed that. Janice took care of the documentation. Thank goodness. There was a hell of a lot of documents that we had to do. But I appreciated it because the Russians really wanted to know that the kids were going to good families you know. Before we went we were given a videotape of children available for adoption. We thought maybe we could, might be able to adopt two children. But so we ended up taking two lots of paperwork. Knowing that if we just went for one that was fine. But if there was two children we could adopt two. So of course we did. We had to adopt two. Once we got there the people that we had dealings with were just lovely. They would pick us up at the airport because we had to fly to Arkhangelsk. And we arrived there about midnight and there was someone there at midnight to meet us and take us to accommodation. To a couple that were going to put us up for the week or so we were there. So you know and every day we had a support person there. As you went into it all the concrete, you know lots of holes in the concrete. But very basic and but yes when you went inside there was this particular smell that was just there the whole time. I think it's still in up here somewhere. Doesn't really leave you. We were shown the beds. So there was just all these little bassinets where the babies were lined up. Just very basic. But the people we met, the doctors and the pediatricians and that they were lovely. They were very nice. So you felt that they were coming from a place that cared about them. Definitely. The staff were really brilliant with the kids. They couldn't do enough for the kids. But they just their resources were so limited. You know as Janice was saying the furniture there was very very basic furniture. But you know just walking into the the orphanage that the main entrance had this old rickety bloody wooden door. Which was a decent wind you'd think that it would blow off, blow over you know. But I remember that. They had groups of 15 per group. And they were sort of all moving around the orphanage at different stages kind of thing. So the two kids had their own groups didn't they? Into groups yeah. The video that we saw, we saw Andre there and he was just definitely he was a tiny wee thing. And he you know he was born premature. He was very tiny and straight away we sort of just thought yes we'll go for him and then possibly we'll look at you know see what how the children were there. So they brought Andre into us. They took you into an office and they brought the child in. And you weren't out there watch looking every kid and saying oh yes that one it's not not like that at all. So they're very yeah very precious with their children. And we had seen Alex as well and Alex was a smiley kind of yeah. So you know Janice really wanted to get Alex as well. So we just had to go down that track. But you know Andre we thought we I thought by crikey if if he stays there life would be so much so difficult so challenging for for Andre there. And also the people at the orphanage they didn't like just they they knew they were going to a family but they didn't know what sort of family. So they would have been you know God knows what they must have been thinking when they said goodbye to the boys because they'd probably never see them again. So you all those emotions sort of go on don't they and you know it's yeah it's not just us it's everybody else that's involved. When we were in Archangels we lived with a Russian family and they're beautiful people. Couldn't do enough for us. And then it was my understanding that when we got the kids Janice was going to be living with another Russian family. So if I flew back early and I had my own business so it was difficult times but if I bought the documentation back it would speed up everything. So I bought it all back it was processed in Wellington and couriered back over to Russia to save us time. But it didn't actually happen that way. So Janice was with the kids in a little Russian apartment. So there was another group over there so Janice could move in with them but she spent about a week in Russia in her little apartment with the two kids. So I was phoning twice a day but I could see. Yeah and I was getting phone calls from home. I could tell Janice was feeling the strain but you know we didn't know I didn't know what was going to happen. But spending time with the other family it was great you know because we had the four kids between the three of us. So it was a lot easier so we could go out and do a wee bit of sightseeing and just had that extra support. You know Janice was just absolutely marvellous with the kids. So when we got them back here I think life was a hell of a lot easier wasn't it? Oh yeah. You know there was always little trials and tribulations and things going on but nothing sort of that pertained to adoption really you know. Normal Kiwi families would be going through the same sort of thing. So we were very lucky the kids settled into New Zealand life just so quickly and easily. We used to play the video that we saw the kids you know initially saw the kids on because there was a lot of Russian spoken in that. And Alex would he still remembered it you know he remembered the language and he'd just sit there and he'd just be transfixed to it. Whereas Andre didn't give a monkey's you know he wasn't interested in it at all. But I used to put that video on up until they were about five and Alex was always he could pick up on it he could still pick up on the language. But he was also learning a lot of English while he knew it by the time they were five. They were fine yeah. They could speak by the time they went to kindergarten and that they could speak reasonable English I think. We had to do reports every six months for a couple of years. Yeah and we had to send a report on how the kids were doing at school, what they liked doing you know everything about them and how their health was improving and that sort of thing. So they really wanted to know and they also sent people out. It was a couple of times we were involved out to New Zealand here to actually get the children together to see how they were getting on. Are you all finished? No see that's a good one. Yeah. We were always totally open with them. So from day one we always spoke to them about that they were adopted. Everything just totally open weren't we? Yeah yeah but again that's where the support group was good too because there was other kids from Russia and we would say oh you know so and so was born in Russia and that sort of thing. It wasn't a big shock to them or anything they just knew you from day one. Yeah. Just through conversations that we had. Yeah. I think possibly because Alex was always the one interested in tracing birth parents he'd say I wonder what my birth mother would look like or I wonder if she's alive you know. So it wasn't anything, it wasn't hard to answer it or you know we just said well if you could trace them that would be the best thing you know for all of us because we would have loved them both to have to do that. I said nothing would please me more than if they could track down their birth parents. I said it would make my life. I said to Alex you know it's not going to be a case of finding a needle in a haystack. It's going to be a needle in a hundred haystacks. He said to me oh I'm going to try and track down the birth parents and I said well I'll give you as much help as I can but where the hell do we start? So it would have been about six weeks, two months later and he says I think I've tracked my birth mother down to half a dozen people and that's just incredible. So yeah he went further and then he reckoned that's this is my birth mum and he went from there and also when he tracked down his birth mother and birth father from there because birth father knew nothing about Alex. He didn't know he existed. I was just wrapped. I was really happy. Happy for them, for him. But just also amazed that he could do it you know that was the first thought I think. Absolutely amazed. Very good, very good. They say hello. Hello to you and everyone. Oh it's just neat to know that you know they got together and somehow had a chat and how you know how he could find out information because they obviously had a yeah they had a friend of Misha's wife spoke English. She helped with translating and that sort of thing yeah but no it was lovely yeah it's a nice feeling but he that's what he wanted and he managed it, managed to do it. You didn't have to worry about us or our feelings so you could just go for it and when he came back he said fine me up thank you very much for adopting me. If I went back to 1994 if I could go back to 1994 I'd probably tell myself just to relax a bit more don't worry about too much because things generally work out I think yeah. Yeah if I could go back to 1994 you know like I was working very long hours because I sort of felt responsible for for the family and I wanted to have a secure future I guess but really in a lot of ways there's I shouldn't have spent that much time working so that's yeah. They've made our life really haven't they? Oh without a doubt. His family do yeah yeah. You worry about them you know it's great when you see them you can't stop worrying about but no no they're fantastic they've definitely yeah fulfilled our life I think. The two best boys in the world and they are you know yeah wouldn't be without them for you know gold. They've made our lives really well definitely. Well our lives would have been completely different. Yes yes. You know it's yeah so no we're very fortunate. Indeed. My parents have given so much to both my brother and I over the years so I've decided to do something special. I've sent off their DNA as part of a family history test and the results are quite surprising. I can't wait to show them. So I know mum and dad you both have done a family history DNA test and there's probably a lot of stuff on this list that you're not probably surprised about but what are the things that you think will most likely be on there? I think for me probably be Scottish. Scottish the big one and then possibly a bit of English or somewhere around Britain and maybe a wee bit of smattering of European. Who knows. And dad's? Well I know the Croatian background and dad's had some Australian and Irish I think. Okay. I think. I think. But it will it will be very interesting. Mum I'm gonna start with you. You know at the top of the list you won't be surprised but it's Scotland. Big shock. Yeah. 60 percent. I'm okay yeah. So under Scotland we have England at 19 percent. Okay. Under this is Irish at six percent. Oh okay yeah. Under this though under Ireland we have Sweden Oh really? Okay. Under Sweden we have German at four percent. So that's quite within the quite a bit apart from Sweden. Oh and Germany of course yeah. So the surprises are probably the German part and the Scottish part. Yeah. Now dad you have 42 percent Irish. Wow. Okay. Wow. That's come that's very strong on the list. 42 percent Irish. Now under Ireland we have Scotland at 18 percent. Scottish background from the Gilbert side I'd say. Yeah. So you have four percent German mum but dad's got 17 percent German. Really? In your history yeah. Holy gosh. I'll let you start. I'll let that sink in dad. Yeah yeah yeah. And then under that this is probably where we get to the Yugoslavian history is the central and eastern Europe side at 10 percent and then under that. 10 percent. 10 percent yeah. I thought it would be more than that. But also under there we have a smaller number at four percent which is the Balkans and a lot of that is linked to the Croatian history. Interesting. Interesting yeah. What's the most surprising number there? Oh definitely the Irish. Yeah. Yeah. So I think from now on every St Paddy's or as you say every St Patrick's Day you and I need to go out for drinks because I think that's important now. You're pretty much an Irishman. Well we have to have a Guinness. That's the luck of the Irish. And so we'll have to have a pint of Guinness. You're going to need to start making this place an Irish place now.