Jimmy Shuts Down _How Come You Can Say What You Want__ Heckle _ Jimmy Carr Crowd Work

...the joke blitzkrieg for a second to say hello. How are you? Eastbourne, you good? Excellent. Well, thanks for coming out. Look, I like it when people join in. The evening can't just be about me, so if anyone has any heckles or questions, queries, anything at all, please feel free to shout out. Any... Any early heckles? What, sorry? Big feet. You've got big feet. Big feet. You've got big feet. I don't think my feet are that big. I don't know how... What, sorry? I've got massive ears. Okay, these observations are terrible. These are just... It doesn't work to say, I'll tell you what worked at school. We used to shout at this kid, big ears. He probably had big ears, you ******* idiot. He can probably hear us now. What, sorry? They're already here. Any more? Go on. Where's Alan? People use that a lot, is what I said when I saw your mum's cunt. Bit of fun, isn't it? I'm sure your mum's got a lovely cunt, I'm so sorry. Somehow that's made things worse, hasn't it? No, I'm sure it's lovely. You could eat your dinner off it. What are we having? It's going to taste like scampi. Go on, you had one over there, wasn't it? I didn't have anything to say, just **** you. You didn't have anything to say, just **** you? Aw. It's lovely to have such a neurologically diverse crowd here. Jim! Yes? How come Jim can say what he wants and what he can't? How come I can say what I want and you can't? All what you said I agreed with, but what you can't do... You agreed with? They're all jokes, man, there's no agenda here. I like... It's freedom of speech. I'm a huge free speech absolutist, but it's not freedom of consequence. You've just got to be willing to deal with the ******* consequences. That was a very highfalutin way of saying, I couldn't give a ****. If I think it's funny, I treat everyone like they're grown-ups and they'll get it. But I think Ricky Gervais said it in his last special, people laugh at the wrong thing cos they know what the right thing is. You ******* know, right? You're not dummies. Apart from that guy. Listen, I blame the drink. Not what you've had this evening, what your mother was drinking when she was pregnant with you. Any others? Who's your favourite comedian? I like me. Well, it's very much my sense of humour. What's your name? We're pretty good mates, yeah. And what's your name? Alan, I don't know as well, but yeah, I know him pretty well. I ******* know everyone. For me, my favourite, the best comic working, I think, is Chris Rock. Chris Rock, Louis CK, those kind of guys, they're about as good as it gets. What's your name? What are you wittering on about? Who the **** are you and how did you get involved in this? He asked me who my favourite comic was, I'm trying to answer and you're like... That's alright, what's your name? Tiffany. And what chip shop do you work in, Tiffany? You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can tell the price. It ******* says the price on it. Tiffany! Smell the ******* vinegar from here. Go on, what do you do, Tiffany? I'm in sales, Alan. Yeah. Do you want a pickled egg with that? Sales. Any heckles, please, how about it? Going back. You were saying something about... I was saying something, what? I feel like we're in a pub now. Going back, hang on, go on. I was talking about a big dick. My wife often calls me a big dick and I take it as a compliment. Okay. Someone's alarm's gone off. I presume that means you've got to take the meds. Got any other... What, sorry? Do you like Eastbourne? No. But Eastbourne's not for me, is it? It wasn't designed for me. I'm not weeks away from death. If you're about to die, this is the ******* spot, isn't it? Very much God's waiting room vibe. People shuffling about. And I suppose it must be nice to live in Eastbourne just before the end. Because, you know, living in Eastbourne to death. Not such a big leap. What happens after you die? Nothing. What happens in Eastbourne? What, sorry? Yes, just now, yeah. What are you two whispering about? You really need a wee? Have a wee. You're not... You're not on the remand centre now, you don't... So what colour is that man? Are you about to have a heart attack? You've got what I would describe as a very ruddy complexion. I'm not a doctor, but I think you've got... You're in trouble. You look about a cooked breakfast away from a heart attack. I'm genuinely concerned for you. What's happened there? It's all gone... What? There's no... It's an overcast day. How have you... Honestly, he's like beetroot red. Are you... You're a ginger fella, right? Is it these lights giving you sunburn? Scott, one of those expressions. You look like you get sunburned checking your phone. Factor 50 for you just to check the fridge. Yeah? How do you get a lesbian to **** a gay man? No, how do you get a gay to **** a woman is the joke you're trying to do. Wow. You've done to that joke what I did to your mum's arsehole. You've... You've absolutely ******* ruined it. What's the point of you? Ha ha! As a kid, what was your party trick? As a kid, what was my party trick? I used to be ******* hilarious. Hmm? That was pretty good. What changed? Addiction let you down there. That was very good. Let's hang. What changed? What's my favourite dad joke? They're all dad jokes. I'm a ******* dad. Ha ha! Sorry, madam, I'm being rude. What's your name? Luke. And what's your name, madam? Charlie. And what do you do, Charlie? I'm a mum. Of course you ******* are. How many kids? Five. Five? By seven different dads. The last one ******* walked out. Five? And social services let you keep them all? Remarkable, Charlie. Named after her hobby. Good on you. Five? One of each. It's a modern world. That is a full-time mum. Well done, you. What about you, mate? What do you do? Carpenter. That look, baby Jesus. Yeah. Good on you. Sorry? What jokes wise? There's about another 40 minutes. Don't get chippy. Ha ha! You know short back and sides is just an expression? You're not in the Peaky Blinders. Stop it. Any other heckles? Can I speak any other languages? Nope. I think I could live in Italy. You don't need much more than that. It's gesture-led. Can you speak lots of languages? Not really, no. I'm horribly dyslexic. I could barely read or write until I was about 11. Learning another language seemed like a bit of a ******* stretch. Just try and ******* nail this one. What page? He's probably ---- at French as well. Specialised. Any other? Without a face-lift? No, but I looked with a mate recently. We looked online. We looked at who did Brad Pitts and went, ******* let's go there. I'm doing it for you. I don't have to ******* look at this. Twice a day I have to look at this one and brush my teeth. What? She roasted me the other day. The girl from The Apprentice? Well, I didn't hear about it because... She doesn't matter. Why would I give a **** about that? I don't want to be a dick about it, but you've got a weird laugh. What's her name? It's not Heckle. Is he 40? I think he'd love a shout-out. He'd love a shout-out, Aaron. Do you know what he'd prefer though? Anal. What's your name, Aaron? I feel bad for Aaron. Poor thing, his parents couldn't give a **** about him. Look how far they got in the book of boys' names. Jobs are good. What do you do, Aaron? You're a carpenter. There's a lot of it about. You're probably building a ******* ark, what's going on? What about you, love, what do you do? You're in property. That's a nicer way of saying housewife, isn't it? I'm in property. I'm in a house all day. What do you mean, like selling houses? You source properties for people with special needs. Are you in the county lines thing? I get people with special needs and I set up a trap house and then we sell cocaine through that. It's a growth industry, well done. How lovely. Hi Jimmy, it's the end of my husband Kieran Parsons' first week as a manager at Porsche. Where's Kieran? What was that? **** Kieran? What? I might buy a ******* Porsche. Hi Kieran, can you do us a deal? Only I've got quite a small penis. I need something, maybe a Targa. What's the electric Targa like, is it nice? **** you. That's very anti-Porsche. What's going on there? I can't help liking him. ------- good on you. **** Kieran, **** you. What's your name, mate? What a way to find out you've got Tourette's. I always wanted to know, I'll ask. What makes people with Tourette's tick? What, sorry? Kieran, have you been ******* his wife again? Very naughty. Can you shout out Keir Hobson as he's just passed his bike test? What? What is he, ******* seven? Is that still a thing? I've got my cycling proficiency. Who's passed their bike test? Like motorcycle? And how big a motorcycle can you ride? A 125? God bless you, I'm thrilled that you've done that. Thank you so much. Hey, none of us know when we're going to need a kidney. Or a heart. New retina, we don't know, do we? But this ******* idiot is out there on a 125 ******* getting T-bones. Christ, the technology for their next hair transplant. Good luck, drive safe. I hope this is the number for Jimmy Carr. It's my mum's 50th and my 18th birthday and this was my main gift. I need some advice though. Jimmy, how do I get a girlfriend? I'm desperate and lonely. P.S. My mum and dad says hi. Who's 18? Him. Hi, what's your name, my friend? Hi, Oliver. How are you, mate? Single, 18. I wouldn't worry about it. It'll happen. Stop thinking about what you want and think about what you can offer. Think about how you could give more and think about what you could give in a relationship and in life at that age. People often think about what you want in life. Think about what you're offering the world. It's a more interesting way of thinking about it. Good luck. There's a lot of stuff out there about toxic masculinity. Easy cure. Be a gentleman, be a mensch. Hi, Jimmy. Wanna be my bitch? I got big tits. What colour panties are you wearing? I think I do wanna be your bitch. Hello. Sorry, just looking at dem titties. It's like a dead heat in a ******* zeppelin race. The cause of death is not gonna be drowning. What else have we got? My what, sorry? Your Netflix episode. It's called a special, isn't it? As are you. No, fine, join in. Thanks for watching. Any other? I'm fine, thanks. That may be the nicest heckle that's ever happened. Any heckles? How are you? You doing alright? Any others? What was that one up there? Go on. What, sorry? I thought she said that, too. What? I do, but I think we should see other people. Can you move over to this side of the stage so I can see you? Cos this planet's epic. You can't see because you're sitting behind someone with a big head. What I like to do sometimes is that. Just move down there. There's a couple of seats down there. ------- move down there. Weirdo. Any other heckles, questions? You're supposed to shave ass, not add hair to it. That's pretty good. And you're just taking us red. You're supposed to shave ass, yes, because of the paedophilia. But you won't add hair to you, then, no? Yes, that's the joke you just made. Get your dick out. Get your dick out? I would, but it would be very soft because I'm looking right at you. Any other? Who's your comic idol? I'll answer that boringly. Chris Rock. I think he's got the best timing, the best material. But Louis CK as well. Pretty cool. What about you? **** you, man. I'm right here. You're looking right ******* at me. Right ******* at me. I'm not ******* prancing around to Bohemian Rhapsody for you. **** off. No, he's ******* hilarious. Well done. I notice you've got quite a lot of tattoos. What's going on? What's there? Life goes on. Okay. He's got life goes on on the back of his hand. That's nice, because a lot of people get tattoos and they regret them years later. But you're smart. You can start regretting that right now. You don't have to wait, do you? Just ******* around. What's your name? Shannon. What do you do, Shannon? Evil witch ----? Are the other two just waiting by the cauldron thinking, Where's ******* Sharon gone? What do you do, Shannon? I'm an Airbnb cleaner. If you're in a hurry, just say cleaner. An Airbnb is just a house, love. You look like a Lego man. Well, that's just correct. What's your name, mate? Callum. What do you do, Callum? School. Did you only come to the gig because I look like a Lego man? How into Lego do you have to be to go, I've done Legoland. I ******* loved it. I loved the Lego Batman movie. I'm going to see Jimmy Carr next week. I'm all in. How was the show? It was alright. It was quite funny. He wasn't very yellow. What do you want to do with your life, man? What's your plan? No idea. I'm sure things will work out. Don't worry about it. Have a ******* plan? No idea at all? How old are you, man? 16. It's good news and bad news, right? People that are close to you and love you probably can't tell you this. You can't grow a moustache. You think you can. In your head, you're like, no, it looks pretty good. No. Be 16 when you're 16. When you're 25, grow a ******* tache if you want. Fill your boots. Look like a crazy 70s rapist. But now... I can see dudes with moustaches going... I like this look. What's your name? Dan. What do you do for a living, Dan? What do you do for a living? Nothing. Dan's spokesperson. You needn't be involved. Go on, what do you do, Dan? He must do something, right? I'm amazed you're at the Lakeshore. I would have thought that Chav Nav would have gone off by now. Is that not what you call the ankle tags? I call them Chav Nav. Go on, what do you do? You keep saying nothing, but I don't believe that. Let me talk to the girl you're with. What's your name, madam? Hi, Kerry. Do you mind me asking? What are you getting back at your dad for? I'll show you irresponsible. I'm going to **** a... It's funny because he's a... What, sorry? I'll get the wife beater out. You're already out. It's my parents' first night out with my boyfriend. What? Alex Brown. Please make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. Where's Alex? Where are you, Alex? Where's Alex? Hi, Alex. Is this the mum and dad? And that's the daughter? How old are you, Alex? And how old's the daughter? You're 22 yesterday? Hello. How are you? So you guys are *******? First date ******* or...? Yeah, first date. Good to know. Well done, dad. Sounds like you had the chat. You bought me Nando's. Have at it. What do you do, Alex? Let's have the father-in-law go... You're a pilot? So you were attracted to the black box? Perfect. And what about you? What do you do? At vet school. That's a weird one. It's very impressive on one level and also crazy stupid. You do it because you love animals, right? I'll go toe-to-toe with you. Any week you want, number of cats killed. I'm at zero ever. Also, you could have been a doctor. You've got the brains to be a ******* doctor. I tell you what doctors never have to deal with. Little Timmy needs an operation. It's going to be 8,000 pounds. Don't worry about it, we'll get another. That never happens in a hospital. Although on the plus side, sometimes doctors are late to kids. Vets never late for a gig. Spots not going to make it. We've got tickets. Hi, mum and dad. Pilot, nice. Who are you a pilot for? British Airways. Nine years ago, you saved my son's life. What? Did I? He was suicidal and I brought him to your show and he laughed and seemed to forget his worries for a moment. Nine years later, you owe backdated child support. Thanks so much. Where's Bill? Hi, Bill. Is your son here? I very much appreciate you sending the message. I get messages like that from time to time and it's difficult to know what to do with it. Thank you, man. I want my money. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's... The way I fucked your wife, it's impossible to get pregnant. Genuinely, thank you so much, man. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and I'm announcing a new tour. It's called Jimmy Carr Laughs Funny because, you know, I do. I go to JimmyCarr.com for dates and tickets and then, you know, I guess buy a ticket and come and see the tour. I laugh funny, so can you. Come and see me.