Parent's Relationships and Breakups: Impact on Children

All right. Hello, everyone. I'm Dr. Rochelle Deason. I'm a licensed psychologist and clinical assistant professor here at the Child Study Center. I'm here to talk to you today about divorce and its impact on children's mental health. I do want to say that throughout the presentation, I may be referring to moms and dads, but this presentation is really relevant for all kinds of families. And whether you yourself are going through a divorce and have kids, or if you are a friend or a family member of someone who's going through this, I think this is relevant for you. You can submit any questions that you might have as we go through the presentation by taking them into the right side of your panel. So in this country, we're taught to kind of date, meet someone, and someone that we choose to marry. And we know that there's a lot of, there have been a lot of changes in the institution of marriage over the past several years. The age at which people are getting married is increasing. So people are waiting longer to get married. They're prioritizing their careers and other things. They're choosing to delay having children in many cases. And there are other opportunities for marriage, such as cohabitation and domestic partnership. But still, most people in this country are getting married, about 90%. And of those marriages, several choose to have children. So unfortunately, we know that several of these marriages do not end up lasting forever and in a successful and happy way. About 40 to 50% of people in this country are getting divorced. So this is the overall percentage, and actually it's decreasing in the past few years. So fewer people are getting divorced, but still a pretty high percentage. This is the overall number, but we know that your risk might increase or decrease depending upon various demographic factors, such as race, age, education, income levels, and religion being a protective factor. I just wanted to call out specifically to risks related to children in general. We know that choosing to have a child after you marry actually decreases your risk by up to 66%. And marriages in which one partner wants kids but the other partner does not want children, that increases your risk by about 50%. So this is just a quote here about the impact of divorce. We know actually that it's second only to death in the amount of stress that it causes, the gravity of the situation, and the time that it actually takes to adjust to the situation. It's really a test of an adult's coping strategies, mental health, and resources. Of course, throughout the process of divorce, parents are more likely to experience symptoms of anxiety and depression. And on the other hand, there's also great opportunity for feelings of happiness, confidence, and growth. I just wanted to mention a few things that parents should keep in mind as they're trying to take care of themselves through this process. Of course, it's important for many parents to be able to work with their own therapist to have someone who can support them. You want to also make sure to seek a good divorce attorney who cares about kids and is knowledgeable about child and family law. This is a quote here from a prominent divorce attorney that I've worked with. And just you want to make sure that you're working with someone who cares about kids who can help you fight for that important piece of the divorce process. You also want to make sure to use the resources that you currently have in your life, such as your friends, family members, colleagues, and making sure to engage in typical stress relieving outlets like working out, exercise, engaging in an art class, or things like that to make sure that you're taking care of yourself. As typical as we know the process is on parents, of course, we know we're also very concerned about how this process impacts kids. The research has shown that while it's likely that kids might experience some short-term distress, it's really not likely that they will have a long-term problem. So most kids kind of bounce back and do just fine in the end. Of course, during this time, it is more likely to see some increases of anxiety, some worrying, some aggression, behaviors like thumb sucking or bedwetting, and possibly some difficulty separating. They're also likely to see some symptoms of depression, such as more crying, more feelings of being sad, and also some anger and aggression, possibly. And in addition, an uptake in behavior problems, such as not doing as told and being more oppositional. In addition to these negative outcomes, it's also important to remember that kids growing up in a home that is not happy and in which their parents are fighting also are likely to have some anxiety and depression as well. So a lot of parents ask, how do we tell the children that this is going to be happening? So I wanted to include an acronym that can point out some important tips to use along the way. So first is honesty. You want to make sure to be really direct and honest with your kids during this. So kids are really good at being able to tell when adults are not telling the full truth. So we want to make sure to be honest. That said, we also want to make sure not to include too many details about the circumstances of the breakup, because that's just not necessary for kids to be exposed to. You also want to make sure to keep your emotional response to a minimum. So try not to cry. Try not to be bad-mouthing the other parent during this conversation. You also want to convey that there's going to be an adjustment time for this process, but that you're optimistic that in the end, everything will be OK, and that this can be an opportunity for change and for learning new things and for adjusting to these new circumstances. You want to always make sure to reassure your kids, of course, that you love them, and that no matter what, your love for them will never change, and that's not something that happens between parents and kids. And finally, to be stressing that time will heal, and that although there may be some distress and confusion at some point in the short term, that eventually everything will be OK. So I've included some examples of some things you might say that kind of map onto this. So first is something to start with that, of course, we love you very much, and that will never change, but that Mommy and Daddy have had some problems in our marriage that we just can't fix. We've decided not to be married anymore, and we're getting something called a divorce. We will always be a family and love you no matter what, but the way we live together and spend time together will be changing. And again, that everything is going to be just fine, and we'll be OK. So if anyone has any questions, also, this will be available at the end of the presentation to refer back to. So kids process divorce in lots of different ways. If you have a child who's already experiencing some anxiety or depression or behavioral problems, hearing that their parents are getting a divorce may exacerbate their symptoms. So just be aware of that. Also, temperament is really important. So kids who have an easygoing temperament who kind of roll with things and usually adjust to change in a positive way will have a little bit of an easier time. And kids who have more of a difficult temperament will struggle more. Also, kids at different ages and developmental stages adjust differently. So babies and toddlers aren't able to yet process what's going on, obviously. So we want to make sure that we're not really explaining too much during this time, but just focusing on keeping routines the same and making sure to convey love and care. And you'll be able to explain what happens when your child gets older. During the preschool period, this is when you might feel a bit more regression and a little bit more behavior problems occurring as well. So you want to be careful and watch out for that. And then during elementary school, this is a time when children are just learning how to navigate their own friendships and learning about what it means to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, essentially. And so this is a time that can be a little bit confusing. And in middle school and high school, this is when it's arguably the most difficult time for a child to experience a divorce. During adolescence, that's when we're kind of understanding our own romantic relationships in the best way. And that's when, you know, the first times that we see our parents with people too. So that's a time that can be really, really difficult for kids to learn that their parents are splitting up. So some people have said that learning about your parents getting divorced is analogous to the five stages of grief and loss. So these stages aren't necessarily linear, but they give you kind of a general guideline of different phases that your child might go through in terms of processing what's happening. So first, they might be in a little bit of denial or shock. They may not really know what's happening, might not really have much of a reaction at first. They might kind of be saying, this isn't really happening, so I'm not going to deal with it at this time. Second, they might start to experience some anger. So this is when the acting out might increase, and they are kind of really resisting this change and not happy about it. A third stage includes some grief symptoms and depression symptoms. So this is when you might see more of the crying, anger, and real sadness as, you know, it's really setting in that this is the new change that's happening. Kids can also have some anger towards themselves at this time and wondering, you know, what they might have done to kind of contribute to this. They might be blaming themselves. That's something really important for parents to watch out for during this time. The fourth stage is bargaining. So this is when you might think of a child saying, you know, if I only were a better student, if I had studied more for my tests, I'd be able to, you know, do better. My parents wouldn't be arguing as much about me. Maybe if I just study harder, you know, my parents will be more proud of me and they'll get along better. Of course, kids learn eventually that that's not the case, and they unfortunately cannot control the situation no matter what they do. And eventually, all kids, you know, reach the acceptance stage where they realize that this is a new normal thing that's happening and they learn to accept it. So in addition to the increases of symptoms of anxiety and depression, we also want to look out for any academic problems that might be occurring. So kids might have difficulty studying, might not be focusing on their homework as much. So that's a place where you want to be careful and just watch out for your kids there. And also some problems with friends. If they're either spending too much time with friends or isolating themselves from friends, that can be an important place where you're seeing some difficulty. If you are concerned about your child's functioning, you could consider using something like this, which is a standardized evidence-based rating scale. And what this is is it's 15 items that come up that relate to you or your relationship with your partner or your kids about your functioning. So as a parent, you can go through this list and check off whether, you know, your child is experiencing this or whether these items apply to you, never, sometimes, or always. And then at the end of completion, you add up how many times you've checked in the either, sometimes, or always boxes, or anything that's shaded. And if you get a sum of six or higher, that means that your child is likely to experience some behavior problems and is at greater risk. This is something you can do on your own or with a mental health professional. And this scale will also be available in the resources section at the end of the webinar. So what to do when you want to find a way to help your child during this time. Of course, you can seek a mental health professional qualified to work with children who are in the same age range as the professional's expertise. In some cases, it's a good idea from the very beginning just to let your kids have an extra support, an extra adult, a neutral party to process things with. And this is especially the case for only children who don't have a sibling to talk to. And again, you want to reach out if there's ongoing problems or if you're seeing spikes in intensity or frequency of their symptoms. You want to make sure that kids continue to participate or start participating in an outlet or an extracurricular activity. It's a really good place for kids to learn how to cope with negative feelings and focus their mind and their energy on something else. Drawing is a great way of helping your kids communicate. Drawing and playing, actually. Journaling is another helpful thing for some kids. And then a last idea is to act things out and kind of role-play. You might role-play what it's like to experience drop-off or what a parent might have said to you, to the child on their visit or something fun that happened, and this could be a good way to have your child be able to connect the experiences from one parent to the other. I actually found that helpful when working with children. That's another idea. So how do you support your kids during this time in terms of parenting? Research has shown that good parenting is always a buffer against negative outcomes. So you want to be using the recommended strategies of being an authoritative parent and using warmth and love and care for your child and also providing limits and appropriate consequences. You want to make sure to create a consistent visitation schedule so kids shouldn't be wondering when they're going to see their other parent and it shouldn't be too long in between so that children know that they will have frequent contact. And this has been shown in research to be a really important indicator of children's mental health following a divorce. You want to make sure to continue any helpful routines, so letting a child know mommy's still going to put you to bed at night, dad's still going to take you to soccer practice, things like that will not be changing. If possible, you can carry over some familiarity between homes so kids might want to take the same stuffed animal back and forth and they might want to have the same or similar pajamas or something that reminds them of both homes at both places. It's also advisable to create a consistent time for questions and answers. So a lot of times kids do have some thoughts going on in their head but they don't want to bring something up for fear of upsetting the parent or kind of bringing something up at a bad time. So if kids know, you know, every Monday after dinner my mom will ask me if I have any questions for five or ten minutes and I can bring something up then or I don't have to bring something up but just that there's this time of late for continued communication. As usual, you want to make sure to communicate honestly and directly and with warmth. You want to foster kids' friendships and relationships with siblings. So make sure that your children have their own support system, that they're spending time with people and developing their own, you know, people who can care for them as they get older and have more questions and feelings about it. At a certain point it's also important to let teachers know and other important adults like coaches, for example, just so that all adults can be on the same page about looking out for any concerns or, you know, supporting the child in different areas. So we also know that it's really important how parents interact with each other and that, you know, this does impact kids' functioning as well. Research has shown that low-conflict divorces are the best for kids. So kids know that their parents don't like each other, argue, fight. That's difficult for kids and it can be a burden for them to carry in their head. They can also feel protective over one parent and want to take sides. So this is really an important place here. As much as possible you want to shield your kids from disagreement and frustration. You want to show that you can be civil with the other parent in front of your child. That really models that, you know, the adults in the situation have got it, they're under control, and they can manage their distress in the situation for the sake of the children. You want to communicate as directly as possible. So try not to have kids delivering messages between parents. Also, if possible, at school events or sporting events, it's nice if parents can be standing together, cheering kids on or supporting kids, you know, if that's possible. I think it is nice for children to be able to look out into a crowd and see their parents together. That can be helpful. And again, as much as possible, to support the other parent in his or her parenting decisions. If Daddy says one thing, admit for Mom to try to continue that same idea, you know, if it's possible. Another natural thing that happens after divorce is that parents might be moving on to new relationships, and this can be really, really tricky for kids, of course. It's really important to always convey that the priority is always the children, and that will never change. You want to introduce kids to the significant other when you're sure that this person will be in your life for a long time and that you're not introducing kids to people, you know, just lots of different people. Kids can respond in lots of different ways. They might have kind of a neutral response and not really, you know, feel one way or another at first. At some point, they'll likely have some confusion and possibly some anger as they see their parents possibly moving on or potentially betraying the other parent or abandoning the family. You want to be careful for that. And also, you know, there is a likelihood for kids to experience some calmness, some ease as they see their parents kind of being cared for, being taken care of, and trying to kind of model for them that there is lots of new changes that can happen and they can be positive, and that it's important to adjust the changes in life as positively as possible. These new relationships can also set good examples for kids about what romantic relationships should be ideally, so that they include love and happiness and healthy communication. And for kids, you know, for them, it's always nice to have more adults to care for you and to love you. So if something like that can be created, that's positive in the end. So here are just some resources that could help you, some books for you and for your children, and also some online media that could also be helpful. Again, this will be available at the end as well. I just wanted to open it up to any questions. So this says, I'm a divorced dad. My child asks for more time together, but his mom is unwilling to increase time, and I don't want to drag him through a legal battle. I don't want him to think that I don't want to hang out with him. Of course I do. I also don't want him to be angry with his mom for keeping this calendar as it is. How do I approach this? That's a really good question. I think that you do want to shield your child from knowing that his mother is preventing this from happening. So I think you can continue to keep saying, you know, I love you, I would love to spend more time with you. So right now this is what's happening. This is our schedule, and that might change at some point, but right now this is happening. Of course, you know, if possible, if the child could be able to call you or reach out to you at times when he is not with you, that's another good place where he could be able to communicate with you. Okay, so the next one is, can you discuss strategies that are helpful after a child is aware of a divorce and living with it for several years? Yeah, so again, I think it's different for every child, and even siblings within the same home can process it differently depending upon personality and what's currently going on for the child. I think that after a period of time, if you still see that your child is really struggling, if you want to get a therapist for your child, it's really important to be able to kind of move past those feelings and process them. And again, I think the strategy of stressing open communication and consistent communication is also really important. So I'm not sure about this particular case, but if you're in good contact with your child, if you can let him or her know that you'll be making time every week or every two weeks or something like that to have a discussion and maybe even have some special routine that you do during this time to make it kind of comforting, that can be really helpful. It's also nice to connect kids with other kids who have divorced families with you. Sometimes you can do that within the school or within your own kind of social support network. Okay, so this one says, my husband and I are beginning the divorce process. Things are fairly amicable between us, and now we're focused on doing the best thing for our kids. We're contemplating nesting, where our kids would stay in the home and we'd shuttle back and forth between the house and our new places. What is your perspective? Is nesting better for kids? So yes, I've heard of nesting, and it's a new thing that some parents are choosing to do for their circumstances. I think it can be okay in the short term. So, you know, it's nice for kids to be able to stay in their homes and not get that disruption. But there can be some logistical issues that come up with it, such as, you know, which parent is taking care of paying the bills and cleaning up in the home and things like that. And then also, you know, inevitably a parent will probably meet someone else and engage in a new romantic relationship, and the question is kind of what happens at that point. I think that nesting could be a good short-term solution, but I think in the long run it's necessary to get your own two different homes and kind of move on to that new living circumstance. Okay, this one says, are there any suggestions on if both parents should tell their child about the divorce, or should it be a joint effort between parents? Well, I think that if you can, it's nice for both parents to do this, to have this conversation together with the child or children. I think it's nice because then the child is hearing one message from both parents at the same time. There's no confusion, everyone's saying the same thing, and kids can still see, you know, my parents are in this together and they care for me, first and foremost, and, you know, they've even chosen to get in this uncomfortable situation together for me. They may not have those feelings at that time, but later on I think that is the message that it would be sending. So I think this is most ideal. Of course, if you feel like you or your ex is really unable to have the conversation in a regulated way in which he or she won't be crying or yelling or, you know, very upset, or if it's unsafe, then you should do it separately, but I think the best way is really for it to be done together. Okay. So my ex's parents live several states away and are asking to have my kids visit them this Thanksgiving. My ex-husband would take them. I'm not sure it's a good idea. They haven't been away from home much and only spent a little time with their grandparents. Do you have any advice on how I should approach this? Yeah. So if it is an amicable divorce and you feel pretty civil with your ex, I think that the conversation you should first try to have directly with the other parent as much as you can communicate directly with your ex, you know, directly in that way without having lawyers or things like that. That's the best thing. If you can just express this thought and feeling that you don't think it's appropriate to spend that much time away but you do think it's important for your child to have some contact with their grandparents, you know, over the holiday, maybe you could suggest just a day trip. Maybe you could suggest that you, you know, you may even go as well but stay in a hotel nearby or see them at night or something like that. That could be a good option. And also, you know, if necessary you can speak to your lawyer and see if he or she could advocate for you. And I also just want to say that, you know, this is a good time to consider that things will be changing. And although you may not, you know, you may not be completely comfortable with this because you're just not sure how it will go, this is also a time during the divorce process to kind of see if, you know, maybe your child can do this and maybe this is something that can happen even though you weren't really sure that it could. This is a time for you to experiment with being open to those new changes as well. Okay, this one says, how soon is too soon to introduce a new love relationship to a child? So my ex was really quick to introduce her new relationship that rarely lasts. So there's no hard rule on this. Some people say you want to wait at least six months of a relationship to be occurring. So if your ex has been in a relationship with this person for at least six months, then it's okay to introduce that person to the child then. You know, again, there's no hard, fast rule. I'd suggest speaking to your ex about this first and just, you know, as possible, talking about the negatives that you see as a situation for your kid's functioning and how you can, you know, see if you can strategize to protect your child from this going forward for the person's next relationship. So that's what I'd suggest. And then I'd also suggest kind of looking back to some of the resources that I mentioned earlier in this presentation and the symptoms that your child may be showing because if your child isn't really experiencing any negative impact from it, then he or she may be okay with it. So I think this is the last question. Do you have any suggestions for how to help children if the parents need to continue to live together for a significant period of time after the declaration is made to divorce? I think this is a really good question that comes up, you know, logistically in our lives. Sometimes we just can't move out just yet, right? So I think that if you can be really clear with your kids as much as possible about what's going to happen, that's the best thing. You know, we are getting a divorce, which means that we'll be changing the way we live together. For this period of time, Mom's going to sleep in the bedroom, I'm going to be sleeping on the couch or something like that, or I'm going to sleep in the other room. We're going to try that for a little while. And then, you know, after a certain point, a few months or however long it's going to be, then it will change and we'll each be getting our own separate home. I would also suggest that you work out with your partner how you're going to be divvying up care responsibilities and how you're going to be spending the time together in the home so everyone is feeling clear from the beginning. Okay. So on behalf of the Child Studies Center, thank you for joining me today. Once you leave the webinar, you'll be getting a survey. Please complete that. That's really helpful. And you'll also receive a follow-up email in the next few days with a link to a recording for the presentation. And we hope you can join our next presentation occurring on November 15th about being at your child's care. Thank you so much for joining me today. Take care.