Ray Parlours Funniest Football Stories Part 2!

My biggest one was when I was in Hong Kong and I made a mistake and I got fined probably, it would have been equivalent to about half a year's wages I just imagine, because I had to pay the lawyers fees. I had to go to court and I thought Arsenal were paying for it all but when I got home, back to London, Would you try and assassinate the Premier or something? I had to go and see Ken Fryer. Try and topple the government? What did you do? Well I just, I had a punch up in a back street in Hong Kong, but we was going home, which I'm not proud of, again I was a young lad, I was with Tony Adams and we had to be on the coach at 8 o'clock in the morning to go home and it was our last night and we all could go out, we was all allowed to go out, but it was about half past six in the morning, we were walking back, ready to get on the coach at 8 o'clock and something happened and then I got into a bit of a frackard and Tony walked off, Tony got on a bus he said, he got on a bus somewhere to just get out of the area and I got arrested and Tony had to knock on Pete, well the late Peter Hellwood's door and explain the situation. So I stayed an extra night and went to court the next day and I got fined and whatever, but when I got back home, I went, I always remember because Tony wasn't driving at the time and I said, Tony I've got to go back to Highbury after training, do you want to come or not? And he went, oh Ray you're joking, I'll drop me at the pub round the corner and I said I won't be long Tony, I'm going to get two weeks wages fine, I'll be back in a minute and I said get me a pint while I go and see Ken Fryer. So as I walked into his office, he obviously fined me two weeks wages, but as I'm walking out the door to go and see Tony, he said, oh come back Ray I've got something else to tell you and as I walked back in he said, I've got a problem with this as well, he put the bill in front of me for the lawyer and it was about £12,000 the lawyer, £13,000, he said you've got to pay that and I was on about £300 a week, so I went, how do I pay that? He went, we'll pay it off weekly and that's what I did, I ended up paying all back weekly, I got the two weeks wages fine from Arsenal and I had to pay the £12,000 so that was my biggest fine ever. Did you learn your lesson? I was shocked, when I went in the pub to see Tony, how did you get on Ray? I went, Tony I need a whisky I think as well with that, I need a chaser with that because I'm a little bit in shock at the moment Tony. I wanted to talk to you about England because actually it's really terrible what happened to you with England. So, 97-98, Vengers arrived and you're player of the year, the year that England win the double and Glenn Hoddle leaves you out of the squad, your complete squad, like even the squad that Gazza was in before he flipped out because he wasn't been... This was a squad, yeah. Everybody was in this squad and he leaves you out because of what you said about Eileen Drury. Yes, that's true, yeah. I mean, it's probably one of my best seasons I had, 97-98, I played probably 36 out of 38 league games and we had a really good understanding of all the team and I got player of the season, played in the cup final, got a man of the match. So, I was really, this could be my big chance in the World Cup. You know, I'm probably not going to play but just to travel to a World Cup and be involved with the team and yeah, it was a true story. I remember pulling my calf in training one day, Robbie and probably Andy was in the squad at the time and I went to see, I think Robbie ended up starting laughing in the medical room in fact. I went in there and Glenn Hoddle all of a sudden come in and said, what have you done son? I said, I think I pulled my calf boss. So, he said, okay, before you go for your scan, I want you to go and see Eileen Drury, our faith healer. I was like, who's Eileen Drury? So, anyway, off I go upstairs, room 36, knocked on the door, she opened the door, sat down in this chair and she pulled the curtains, went in the bathroom. I'm thinking, God, she's probably saying sexy on there. I go, I was, you know, she's quite an attractive lady for 50, to be honest with you. Next minute, she's circling me, going round in, you know, and all of a sudden she puts her hands on the back of my head and all I said innocently was, shut back and sides Eileen, will ya? And I did need an air cut at the time, I must admit, because it was a bit dodgy in the barnet, but, you know, so it was, I didn't think nothing of it. So, I laughed, she laughed, she's ended up telling all of the people at the bar, they've told all the players, next minute, front page of the Sun newspaper, shut back and sides, because the press were really after the same with Eileen Drury. So, I absolutely couldn't believe it. So, next minute comes up, next minute, the squad comes out, playing really well, get back to full fitness and not in the squad. Asked him, why are you not in the squad? I said, boss, I think he's saying what I said. He said, no chance, no, it won't happen. This is the one guy that just smashed the room up in there, La Manga, wasn't in in the 30 to be cut down to 25. So, now Venger said, I'll phone him up to see why you're not in the squad. And that was the true story. He said, I disrespected his faith, and I'm not going to pick him this year. So, that year, I was absolutely distraught, you know, every single paper you picked up, France 98 and the World Cup, this, that, whatever. And I got married instead that year. So, that cost me another load of money. So, it's been a nightmare, I had a nightmare year. I didn't know if I was allowed to bring that up, actually. Poor guy, still mentally scarred. I tried to talk to him last week, he wouldn't talk to me. No, I had the final whistle after missing the late penalty. Ruud was immediately confronted by Arsenal players, Keown and Parler, Parler and Keown, Keown and Parler. No, it was a little bit out of order. Pure relief, really, especially for Martin Keown, because he could just give away the penalty. And down to 10 men, we thought he had got Patrick Vieira sent off, and we were a little bit upset by that. Then, obviously, with the circumstances of the game, he gets brought down, he has a penalty, he misses it, and I would have had my house on it. I'm not a betting man now, but I would have had my house on him scoring that goal in the final minutes of the game. And I think the relief at the end when the whistle went, because you know it was going to be a massive three points for Manchester United if they got one over on us. And we managed to get a draw, and it just shows you how close it was to getting beaten in September. What was it like in the tunnel, getting up the tunnel ring? Oh, it was still carrying on. Yeah, come on, what happened? Yeah, no, nothing really. Are you fed up? As you walk up the tunnel, you're not too far away then, and there was a few handbags, but by that time, they got so many people around us then. You've got the physios, you've got everybody trying to stop people having an argument. But yeah, we was bang out of order. I got fined 10 grand for that, which wasn't good. I think Lauren got fined, Ashley Cole got fined, and Martin obviously, because he started it. He got fined the most. But yeah, it wasn't great, but you look back at it, and that's how the intensity of the game was. It was such a close game, and we didn't want to be beating Old Trafford. The relief at the end of the game, and we probably went over the top a little bit, and a bit disappointed in the end. But obviously, that season, we ended up going unbeaten. So that was a massive penalty miss for our point of view, as much as Ryan Giggs was a great goal in that semi-final to get him through to the final and win the treble. Ray, what did Martin Keown actually say to Ruud Van Misseroy when he was up in his face? I don't know whether I'd be able to stop myself reacting to that. I know Van Misseroy said he was in a zone, like he was just gutted that he'd missed the pen. I think he probably said he was a cheat. He said you cheated, because he went down for the penalty as well, and I can't remember the penalty. It probably was a penalty, but he's more Patrick Vieira when he got sent off, because we was down to 10 men, and we was up against it anyway. But you've played in games, Trev, and you have out there. Sometimes tempers boil over, and things happen in games. We was all disappointed. We got the fines through, which we talk and whatever. The funny thing about that, my ex-wife wasn't happy either. What did Mrs Palmer say about that? Out of my 10 grand, I was paying her 40% of my future income, and she lost four grand that month. She was devastated. She was on the phone having a go at me. I was going, darn, that's all I need. All angles. I was getting all angles. That was a joke. I was obviously an apprentice at Arsenal. You go home every night, and you're still living in with my mum and dad and whatever. My brother used to have this little father side lane up the road, Wood Lane, which is right next to the West Ham training ground now, my screen. He said, we're having a nightmare at the moment. We keep getting beat, and you ain't doing nothing, and you know when you're a football man anyway. He said, can you come and join and have a game on a Tuesday night? I said, yeah, I'll come up there, John, no problem. So I go up there, and obviously you're running rings around people. You're flitting. You're banging the goals in. They were third from bottom, I think, in the league. Suddenly, they're getting on a real run now. They're getting up in the league. They got to a stage where it's first v second, and they were second, and obviously playing against the team at top. I said, all right, make sure you're there on time on Tuesday, bang, bang, bang. Come on. We've got a big game Tuesday, and all of a sudden, I got a call up, obviously, for Arsenal at that time to play for the first team, and it was like a Tuesday night at Liverpool, I think it was. So I said to my brother, John, I can't play, John. I've had a nightmare. I've got to play for the first team. He went, what? He's going, what? I said, John, I'm playing for the first team. I'm going to laugh. How can you do this? So what they've done, they've played the game. They got beat like six or seven nil. So obviously, they've gone back to where they was when they were second from bottom, because it can be like a one-way show, can't it? If you're really good, you can tell straight away who's the good players on each team. So they've all gone in the bar after, after the game, and obviously, the live game, Arsenal v Liverpool, and I'm walking out, you know, touching the Liverpool sign, all Liverpool players, I'm walking out, and one of the players went, he's in our league. He plays every week. Wait a minute, when we come off the pitch, he's coming on with that team. Ah, the cheater. They got docked all their points. No, really? Yeah, they got docked all their points, because I wasn't really, you know, I just turned up and played. I wasn't registered or nothing like that. But I said, John, oh, Johnny, my brother's fuming. He's going, oh, you could have played for us. I said, well, John, I'll make my debut here, you're not going to laugh. I think I'd be rather playing at Anfield than Wood Lane in a father's side game. It's lucky you had an all-right career, really, isn't it? Well, no, lucky enough, yeah. But in the end, it was, they saw the funny side of it, and the league were like, I can't believe that. He's been playing against us every week. Feasties, when I've ever been in, was Sol Campbell. He first came back at Waterloo. That was, I was there. It was in the air, wasn't it? It was horrible. Oh, and I always remember the story getting out as well. We got pelters, we got all sorts of things thrown at our coach. Because, you know, when you come out of Tottenham, you've got the T-junction, you've got Rudolph's on the right-hand side, and the police were on our coach saying, look, don't stop at the T-junction, just keep going as quick as you can. Yeah, but you were bang out of order. You produced a placard, Sol sits here. Well, that was a sensible thing to do, wasn't it? I mean, I remember shouting down the coach saying, boss, I've got an idea, and I remember Arsene Wenger standing up, what is it? I said, boss, why don't we just put a sign on the window, Sol sits here, at least they can get the right window. And I always remember the boss going, yes, good idea, we do that, yes. And Sol was like looking at me, he had a smirk on his face, thinking, you know, it was just typical. But yeah, I mean, that was dangerous, Al. I mean, I always remember, we went round this corner so quick of the T-junction. As we went round the corner, though, all the plates have come out of the cupboard, and you hear a smash, and you think something, the wind has gone in, definitely the wind has gone, but it was all the plates coming out of the back of the coach. So yeah, that was probably the scariest and most intimidating game I've been involved in. He was in a place called Palms, which is in the church. Yeah, absolutely. If you've been divorced, you get in for nothing. That's why I went in there. Because you didn't have to pay to get in. So we was in there one day, and I was with Tony Adams, and after training, and I think it was Christmas Eve, and I sit at Tony's home, I've got to get my mum a present, she'd go mad. You know, I can't give her money, I have to make a little bit of an effort, get her a present. Anyway, that's the only time I, obviously, Christmas time and birthdays is when she wants a present. So I was in there one, one Christmas Eve, and Tony went, right, we'll have a few, and then we go, I can go into Romford and get something, no problem. You know, it's like, it's a great atmosphere, we're having the right laugh, few more pints, few more pints. I don't think we was playing Boxing Day or something, that's why we was in there. And we carried on drinking, all of a sudden, I look at the looks of the clock, and it was like six o'clock. I think, oh no, the shops are closed. Yeah. Closed at six. What am I going to do? And there was a big plant right in front of us. And Tony went, does your mum like plant pots? I went, well, it looks quite nice. I mean, I would like that as a present. So next minute. How big was it? Oh, it's huge. So me and Tony carried it out. No. We both carried it out and put it in my car, it was outside. So we carried it out and put it in the boot of my car and then went back in the pub. We went back in, had a few more pints. Obviously, I wasn't driving home, I was gonna leave my car there, but I know I had my mum a Christmas present. So anyway, eight o'clock, nine o'clock, we walked out of this pub. All of a sudden, all the police around my car. So the guy, the owner of the Palms Hotel, the manager, has seen a small cat with a plant pot, put it in our car. So next minute, the police have said, right, okay, now I've helped them back in. I've carried it back into the Palms Hotel, put it back down. Obviously, my mum didn't get a present that day, but the police now have arrested, not arrested us, but they've said, right, you'll have to come to a police station Tuesday, me and Tony. So after training, obviously, George Graham never heard about this. I said, Tom, we've got to go down to Howard Hill Police Station to see what's going to happen. So we go down after training, we walk in, and that's exactly what the policeman said, here comes Bill and Ben. Here's a story in the Star this morning. Only Fools and Horses fans have the chance to down 83 pea pints in Dale Boys Local. This is to mark the show's 40th anniversary, but just like Dale's Dodgy Deals, there's a catch. The offer lasts just two days, and punters can only go in for 45 minutes at a time. So is this the pub in Down Road, Greenwich? It is the Nags Head pub. Yeah. So it's 83p a pint. Does it say where it is? Because there's one in the film. It's a pop-up recreation in London of the Only Fools iconic boozer, the Nags Head. Well, I'm going to let Alan eat £8.30 for 45 minutes. Right, the question is, 45 minutes? Seriously, Al, you go in there, right? 45 minutes. How many can you not back in 45 minutes? How many pints can you get through? I don't drink like that. You're not about speed, you're about patience. You're there for the duration of it. Three days, yeah. Do you know, we used to have a fella in our local pub in Rushgreen, he used to be called Ten Pint Tom. And he used to walk in, he used to... How many pints do you reckon he's got? I'm going to guess, Raimundo. Right, he used to walk in, and in this era, the pub used to close at three o'clock, and then open again at six or seven. So, obviously, it's all day now, the pub's open. He used to walk in a quarter to three every single day. And the bus, he used to work till quarter three, walks in, orders four pints straight away, right, so he does four pints, and then the bell would go, and he'd order another six, and they'd put all the shutters down, and he would let himself out. And his wife would pick him up at five o'clock. Every day. Every day, yeah, ten pints. Every day. And I was in there one day, and I was losing the horses, and I said to my mate, I said to my mate, I bet you a fella walks through that door, and he hasn't been in there, quarter three, and has ten pints. How much you want on it? He went, what, are you mad? I said, oh, twenty quid, alright, twenty quid down, door swings open, quarter three, walks up, four pints he has, and my mate was like that. With his glasses like that? My mate was like that. And then all of a sudden, the bell went, six pints, all lined up, ten pints, yeah, and he downs that, and he had to give me twenty quid, my mate. He was devastated.