Ray Parlours Funniest Football Stories

We was on pre-season tour and Martin Keogh, you could wind him up a little bit. I love Martin to death. He's the hardest player I've played with. You know, any problems you had on the pitch, Martin sort them out. Don't worry about that. So we used to wind him up big time and we had this trialist come in at centre half and he's probably thinking, but we don't need another centre half. I'm not going to play. So we, me and Dennis Bergkamp had a wind up. I was, we was all on the bench and I had to, I had the first half to try and wind him up. 50 quid on him we had and he had the second half. So every pass he'd done he'd got a step. It could be five yards. So anyway, half time whistle goes, he hasn't bit yet, Martin, on the bench. Second half, Dennis Bergkamp, he hit this ball. I think he mis-kicked it. He got stepping off. Went to one of our players 20 yards away. Dennis Bergkamp stood up and went, what a player. Started clapping. I play against some great centre halves. I want to play against this guy. And then all of a sudden Martin said, he ain't that good. He should have been pushing up. He's dropping off too deep. And you know, he bit, big time. But Dennis Bergkamp won the money. When he got, two weeks later, I get back to training ground. He was sitting there, Igor Stepanovs. I'm like, all right, Igor. And he ain't that, you know. What, you never knew he was coming? No, no. Because probably Fenger's been listening to Bergkamp going, what a player. And he's four hundred grand, we're buying. And he hasn't come in. He's all like, all right. I like it. It's been nice. I said, all right, Igor. And he went, yes, he's nice. I said, what are you doing here? He went, they're signing me a four year contract. I was like, what? He couldn't believe his luck. He stayed for four years. He was devastated when he had to leave. He played in a famous game when we lost 6-1 at Old Trafford. Oh, I remember. And Dwight Yorke saw the hat-trick in the first half. Oh, he thought it was Christmas Day. And as I'm coming up the tunnel, he went, where'd you, where'd you get that sent off? No! I went, oh, it's a long story, Dwight. But he never played again, Igor. And I felt so, when he left, he was devastated. I said, Igor, you've had a good run at it, mate. Four years. And do you know what now? He's now the Latvia president now. Is that really? No, he's not really. I believed you as well. No, he went missing. He went missing after that. But yeah, it's a situation where sometimes you're just trying to wind people up and, you know. And it cost half to 100 grand, right? No, but he was a really good lad, though, for the dressing room area. Good banter? Yeah, good laugh. He was, I like it, it's very nice. George Graham, he always took a massive squad. Like, it takes six players who are not playing. So we'd all be sitting there going, oh, I'm not in the squad. So this one day, I was in the squad, Andy Linegan, Steven Morrow. So they said, what are we going to do, lads? Come on, let's go and have a few drinks up in the Carlsberg suite. So off we went, Carlsberg suite. Anyway, gets about 15 minutes before kickoff. I'm probably on me fourth pint, no problem. We've talked about the game with the punters at Liverpool. All of a sudden, Street Houston comes into the bar. What are you doing? I said, we're having a drink, Stu. Get yourself downstairs now. Someone's got injured in a warm-up, you're sub now. So I've gone like that. I've gone, oh my god. Andy Linegan's gone, oh, let him finish his pint, Stu. So I've gone downstairs, and Jamie Redknapp was sub for Liverpool. And he was my mate at the time. And we was warming up together. He said, what have you been doing? I said, I've been in the Carlsberg, man. He said, I hope I don't, you know, I hope I only get on for about 10 minutes. So he puts me on for half an hour. So Jamie comes on, he's laughing. And I'm like, really? You know, that was hard work. One of your best games, that was. You said the highlight of your career wasn't a particular game or a goal. It was May the 4th to May the 8th, 2002. What happened during those 96 hours that you're so proud of? Well, obviously, I scored in a cup final, which was an amazing moment in my career. I played in five, which is, I'm very lucky to do that. And to score a goal in a cup final at Millennium Stadium, Chelsea. I remember getting on a plane on the way home. You're buzzing. You go, in the Shrewdhead Sport Park, can I have a beer, please? So just about to take a beer. Arsene Wenger, no drinking. Big game, Wednesday, Old Trafford to win a double. So I said, boss, it's only Saturday. I'll be fine by Wednesday. So anyway, I slipped off to the back of the plane. My brothers were at the back. I said, Jim, give us one of your beers. Just about to drink it. Wenger's walked all the way down the plane. If I see you drinking once more, two weeks' wage is fine. I was like, oh, I don't really want that then, Jim. You have it back. But I got off the plane, and I was going to a restaurant. Whatever happened, win or lose. So I walked into the restaurant, and we all asked some fans. They got champagne ready, tequila slammers, and all sorts. So next minute, I'm drinking his champagne. And I'm a bit worse for wear. I fell over three tables on the way out. So, which I'm not proud of, but I had a really good time. The next day in training, I went in, and all the lads were going, you all right? And I didn't see Arsene Wenger at all. He was already on the training field. We had to do a warm down, ready for Wednesday. So on the way back to Romford, I was going to see my mum and dad. So I stopped at a local social club, which is called the Rush Green Social Club. And he's like Phoenix Knights. He's brilliant. When you go in there, all different characters. And everybody would back me first goal scorer, because I live around the area. 25 to 1. Get him a drink, quick. I said, lads, I can't really have a drink today. I've got a big game Wednesday. 10 pints later, I'm still in there. I know, I can't believe I scored in the cup final. Anyway, we get to the game at Old Trafford. And I have a really good game. We win 1-0. And Wilton scores. I get man of the match. As I'm walking down the tunnel, Sky Sports. You've got man of the match. So I do a little interview. They give me a big bottle of champagne. I said, oh gosh, he's perfect. So as I'm walking to the dressing room, I remember I was thinking, so I want a word with you. I'm thinking, oh no, that restaurant. I fell over three tables. I only get fine two weeks wages. And he looked at me. He went, you was fantastic tonight. Absolutely different class. You and Patrick in midfield. They kicked us. We kicked them harder. Brilliant performance. I went, boss, what a week I've had. Absolutely different class. And he went, do you know what it was? I stopped you drinking that beer on that plane. So he ain't that good. He's not that good. We had a few people smoking. You know, a lot of the foreign guys smoked. And they didn't drink. Obviously, drinking coffee. And the British guys were totally opposite. We didn't smoke, but we all had a beer. I can tell you a story about when we went on tour with Arsene Wenger. 1998. So it was a big season. His first real season. We end up winning the double. And we go in pre-season, no drinking. 14 days. Imagine the British guys. We're like gagging. And the last day we had a meeting and Arsene Wenger said, Laz, you've been superb. You can do whatever you like tonight. So we've already seen the pub we're going to. All the British guys. Dave Seaman, Steve Bould at the time. Tony Adams gave up drinking. So he wasn't coming out. There's about five of us seeing this pub. We can't wait. Half an hour. Be ready in the reception. Off we go. Just before we're going to leave the hotel, Gilles Grimondi comes up. One of the French guys. Can I come out with you guys? I said, Gilles, come out with us. You'll have a much better time. I know what the French guys will do. They go to the coffee shop. They sit there. They talk about football. I said, no, no, no, Gilles. We're going down to the pub and we're going to have a good time. Yeah, no, brilliant. So he comes along with us. And Steve Bould was the biggest drinker by a mile. He was always at the front of the queue. Boof. He's at the bar. He looks around. He goes, hello, Gilles, what do you want to drink? He went, can I have a small glass of wine? So Steve Bould looks at the barman and goes, can I have 35 pints and one small glass of white wine? And we had seven each. The first two didn't touch the sides. Gilles Grimondi's like this. I can't believe it. How can you drink so much and run around? Anyway, we walk out this bar. We've had about seven pints. Really quick seven pints. We're going to another bar. And we walk past and all the French lads were having a coffee, smoking. And I look round. I said, how are we going to win the league this year? We're all having a drink. And they're all smoking. But the good thing about him, he always laughed at himself. Oh, that's brilliant. And that is the beauty of it. And I know Scaz won't see this one. Colo Torre. A fantastic player. He was absolutely brilliant when he first come in. He was one of them sort of guys, always on edge. Chase everything. You can see the way he plays. Anyway, come into training one day. And what he used to do for trial is he set up a game. So, you know, usually if it's a centre forward, he put Martin Cowan on him because he knows he's going to try and kick him and whatever. And if he can handle that, he might be a decent player. But this one day there, Colo Torre, Martin Cowan. So Colo Torre's first training session. Against them was Thierry Henry and Dennis Bergkamp. I was playing on the right-hand side. And Arsene Wenger used to sit there. And he's more for forwards, really. And we used to do pattern play. So if I come inside, Henry would go outside and vice versa. Perez on the left-hand side. So anyway, they rolled the ball into Thierry Henry. Colo Torre from nowhere smashed him right from behind. Two-footed tackle, terrible tackle. Seriously, could have been a red card in a normal game. Our best players on the floor rolling around. Arsene Wenger, Colo, what are you doing? Don't tackle, don't tackle. So he wants him to stand there. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Next minute, ball goes into Dennis Bergkamp. They've swapped now. Colo Torre, exactly the same, two-foot Dennis Bergkamp. We're thinking, oh my, this is unbelievable. Our two best players. How can we win the league if there are two best players? But a trialist has took them out. He must be working for someone else anyway. So he goes, right, that's it, no more tackling. This is Arsene Wenger. So Colo, yes, yes, yes, sorry, sorry, sorry, boss, sorry, sorry. Anyway, next ball comes in and the ball, he makes a great tackle, Colo Torre. He reads it, the ball's flipped up in the air and Arsene Wenger, he should stand right in the middle of the midfield and the forwards and he'll try and look at all the movement. The ball's gone up in the air and Colo Torre now has got his eye on the ball. He's chasing the ball and where did it land? Right at Arsene Wenger's foot, he's two-footed Arsene Wenger. Proper tackle, took him out. Oh, all you heard was, oh, that's how the lads are like that. This is unbelievable. The trialist has took out Bergkamp, Henry and Wenger on his trial. Now Wenger has had to limp off. He's gone back to the medical room. So Colo Torre's, oh no, he's nearly crying. He can't believe it. It's his big day at Arsenal and he's took out two of our best players and the manager. So that afternoon, I always remember going into the medical room to see Gary Leung about something. Arsene Wenger's sitting there. With a big ice pack on his ankle. And I felt sorry for Colo Torre. I said, boss, I don't think he meant to kick you like that. And he went, what? I said, look at my ankle. And he had a big lump on his ankle. I went, well, he didn't mean it, boss. And he went, I know he didn't mean it. I like his desire, we sign him tomorrow. And that was it, he signed him. 500,000 because he liked his desire. He could get that out of him. He can change the way he played just by his desire, kicking them two free players. And he ended up being an amazing player for Arsenal, Colo Torre. Lovely story. I'm just thinking about a story when I was in Café de Paris in London. You've been there, Trev, Café de Paris? Yes. It's a great little club. And I was with Frank Lampard and his mate. And I was with my mate, Chris McCarthy, Mac. And this kid, he was about Frank's age, a bit younger than me. And he went, right, I've heard you can drink. Come, let's have a drinking competition. So now we're knocking them back. And I was getting a little bit, whoa. And I remember having a few more. And all of a sudden, his mate just passed out in the bar. And Frank was patting his, like, he's sweating and all sorts. And I was thinking to myself, they shot off. And I was thinking, oh yeah, see, the young kids trying to have you over. As I try to get off the stall, it's one of them wide stalls. And I've got my foot stuck in the wire. And then I'm going across the bar and headbutting the bar. And I cut all my head open. I had eight stitches. And to be fair, the manager come up and said, Ray, Ray, quick, get out the back door. And I was playing for Arsenal, man. Do you remember the Café de Paris in London? It was a great night. Oh, it was a great night. But I headbutted the bar. I headbutted the bar. And I remember going out the back door and getting it stitched up around my area. Because I thought, I can't go in London. So I went home and I got me eye stitched up. And I remember going to the training. And Arsene Wenger looked at me. He looked at me and went, Ray, why are you putting makeup on for? I had a black eye. And I went, oh, boss, I hit the door. The door hit me. When I opened the door, one of my kids tried to say something. I couldn't say I headbutted the bar, could I? And he found out about it. He dropped me for two games. He dropped me for two games, Arsene Wenger. He said he didn't like it. He didn't fire me, but he dropped me for two games. When the French lads come over, you had Gilles Grimondi, Remy Gard, Manny Petit, a few of them guys come in. And it was a little bit different. The atmosphere was, we had a little bit more fun, the British guys, and Dennis Burkham was there at the time. And they was a little bit more serious. So we tried to get a bit of fun out of them. Did you wind them up? They did change quickly, and they really enjoyed the banter. But every now and again, you know, Manny Petit sometimes, he'll walk straight past you. He'd say, morning, Manny. And he'd walk straight past you. And he'd done it to all the players. So we had him once, we nailed him against the wall. Make sure you say morning to everybody. You did that to Manny Robert Petit? And I said, if you don't, we'll cut your pony's head off. We had the scissors. How did he react to that? I said, it was good as gold. But he didn't realise. He thought it was just a job. In France, when he played there, you know, you're just there. But we just said, no, we're all together. It's like a family. We've got to stick together. We go through highs and lows together. And that's what makes a winning team. And certainly he got the hang of it straight away. It was morning, afternoon, evening. We used to play golf every Wednesday, especially in the summer, this time of year. So we'll all go over to the Vic Akers of Kip Man, and sometimes other players, Alex Meninga played quite a bit. One day he said, lads, do you mind if I come and play one week? So we go, Dennis, no problem. Meet us two o'clock at Elstree. Five to two, no sign of Dennis Bergkamp. So all of a sudden, in comes his car. He gets out. He looks immaculate. Now we're getting worried on the team. We're going, oh, we're going to embarrass ourselves here. I reckon he's really good. Are we going to hold him up? So he walks over his clubs. And we say to him, like, Dennis, you're our guest today. You tee off first. So he hits his ball. Me and Vic Akers were like that. Do you see that, Vic? I didn't see it. I've lost it. And Dennis, all of a sudden, he's in that bush there. He come off his tee, went straight right into a bush. Anyway, he's putting for 13 on the first hole. Next hole, he got about eight, nine, ten. He lost 40 balls on the 16th hole. He's pitch black. I can't even see what I'm doing. Because we're looking for balls and this, that, whatever. So right at the end of the round, we all shake hands. And Dennis went, I really enjoyed that, lads. He shot 170 yards. So we're not playing darts, Dennis. You know, this is golf. I'm going to get another divorce here. I keep getting them so late again. But I can't say this time. I wasn't in the pub. I was helping find Dennis Berkamp's balls on the golf course. Oh, yeah, Nike Town. That was a great trip. I mean, obviously, Thierry was becoming an absolute superstar at Arsenal. So this one afternoon, he's sponsored by Nike. And he said, right, I'm going down to Nike Town today. So they're closing the shop down for him. He's got to do some promotional work down there. So he said, look, do you want to come with me? I said, well, yeah, why not? I like the golf gear that they've got. I thought, I'll get some golf stuff. Perfect. So I went down there with my missus. He had his mum with him. So there's only four of us in his shop. And you know how big Nike Town is. It's massive. So we walk in. And Thierry, what he said to me, he said, look, I've just got to go and do something over here. Why don't you have a look around the shop and pick some stuff up? I said, oh, thanks, Thierry. You sure? No problem. And it was like Supermarket Sweep. Remember that? With the old trolley. I was putting everything in. It was one occasion when I thought, there's a little bit of gap in that corner. I put some socks in there. In the end, I couldn't see over the trolley. I had to look down the side of it so I knew where I was going. So anyway, we get to the checkout. And Thierry, obviously, he's picked up a pair of trainers. His mum's got a pair of trainers. And I've got this trolley full of stuff. I mean, clubs coming out, drivers, you know, trainers in there, track suits. Everything's in this trolley. And Thierry's face was like, whoa. I didn't expect you to get that much. Did you have to put any back? And what it was, obviously, the guy said, Thierry, is this all right? If Murray has this? He says, yeah, no problem. So they put it all through. They even packed it. And my car was parked outside Nike Town, around the corner. They even brought it out the back door of Nike Town. They packed it into my car. And I was like, this is brilliant, isn't it? This is fantastic. So as I drove past, Thierry was getting in his car at the time. This Clio? No, it wasn't. I can't remember what car it was, to be fair. So I put my window down. He put his window down. Thierry, really appreciate that. Thanks very much. My brothers will have a field day with this lot. And I said to him, what are you doing next week? And he went, I'm not coming to Nike Town with you. So what I did the next day, I bought him a big magnum of champagne to say thank you. But I knew he didn't drink, so he gave it back to me. I managed to get my first ever trip, which was, I'll quickly tell you, I was 17. And in them days, you had less players in the squad. So you got an opportunity a lot quicker to get a chance. And I always remember, I got the phone call. The phone call you always want, and you're in the squad. Get your own train down to Norwich, and we get a cab to pick you up, bring you to the hotel. So I got there. And you know when you're really nervous, you're playing around all these great players. David O'Leary was there. Late Dave Roecastle. Yeah, all them sort of guys. Paul Merson, Tony Adams. And Tony was the only one really I knew quite well from the first team. Because I've been training with him a couple of times. But you know what he's like. You're keeping a low profile. So I said to Tony, all right, Tony. And he went, Rage, you know what you've got to do tonight? I said, no. You've got to do a speech. I said, no. What do you mean a speech? At the end of the dinner, clip a glass, and you've got to stand up and do a speech. I said, Tony, what do you have to say? He said, right, well, this is what. I'll give you a bit of advice. Do you a favor. Just say thanks for the boss for inviting me down. And just say thanks to all the players. Great to be around you guys and whatever, whatever. And right at the end, he sticks me up. He went, and right at the end, George Graham loves you talking about his clothes. Just say, I really like your tank top you got on. So I went, oh, nice one, Tony, nice one. So I've had my dinner. Bing, bing, bing. We've got a new player in the squad. Stand up. And it was going so well. Our boss really appreciated asking me to come along. I'm so, so nervous, but really looking forward to hopefully being in this squad a lot more. Players, my all you players, for what you've achieved. And it's going really well. Then all of a sudden, I said it right at the end. He said, by the way, boss, I really like your tank top you got on. And all the lads started giggling. They all started laughing. And Tony's burst out laughing. And he went, I think you've said enough now, son. Sit down. And he got the right up. And I'm thinking, oh, no, he stitched me right up. I come out, and he said, I can't believe you said that. I said, have you told me to say it? When I got divorced, it was a really bad time for me. And he always helped you out. If you need a bit more time or go and see your lawyer. I said, no, boss, I want to train. I'll just get you out of my mind then, my divorce. And when it come out, broke in the papers that I'd lost. And my ex-wife is going to get 40% of my future income. He read the article. So what we used to do in the mornings is go and get all your strappings done in the medical room. All the players would be in there. So I'm sitting in the corner. I'm having a bit of fun. I'm mucking about. And he comes in, and he walks straight up to myself in front of everyone. It's packed. And it all goes quiet. Oh, Ray, I've just read the papers. You've had some bad news. You've just lost 40% of your future income. And in the paper, it says, she saved your career. So it all went quiet. And I don't know what he's in the sauce. He said, yes, boss, bad news, really. I can't believe it. He went, Ray, where's my 40%? I've saved your career as well. And he walks off laughing. And that's the sort of guy he was. And all the players were cracking up. And he was a very funny man.