Toxic Couple _ Max Amini _ Standup Comedy

I'm a sex and intimacy coach. I'm a professional. You're not. If you want to find out, tell your woman to tell you the truth. So, give me a number. How many sex toys do you have? A lot? A whole closet, huh? Yes, yes, it doesn't... You have to be open-minded. Men, women, it doesn't matter. Use it. Use it... I don't know. Use it as a weapon. Maybe in the kitchen. Use it for the dough. Dildos are very, very important, you know? Because you guys in this country, you're not allowed to have guns. Right? But if you keep a dildo in your house, and the robber happened to be from the Middle East, he's like, I will kill you! And you will pull out the dildo. Motherf***er, I got you. The guy will run like a bitch. Astaghfirullah, let's go. He has a dick. He's coming with a dick. This guy loves you, huh? The whole time this guy's been holding you and ----. You've been dating recently? Is this new? Is that why? It's complicated? Well, one thing we love is complication. Why is it complicated? You know each other for three years now, and? You back and forth? What does that mean, back and forth? What do you guys do back and forth? You do the back and the forth? Oh, you've been traveling a lot? In other words, you're a hoe. He's a hoe? Studying. Studying like a hoe. Okay. So he hasn't been here for the last three years, so you don't know where you stand. Yeah, is that what it is? It's your first date after five months. Ah. You guys are gonna **** like rabbits tonight. Back and forth, back and forth. Back and forth. That blonde lady in the middle, what's your name? Huh? Say it loud, my love. Don't even try saying it. It sounds like a bird. Lugel. Lugel. Lugel. Lugel? The language is so interesting. Danish, you guys make sounds so interesting. Lugel. Lugel. Lugel. Gulgul. It means happiness. Gulgul means happiness. It sounds happy. Is it gulgul? Lugel. Oh, Lugel. Thank somebody with a voice, this guy. Lugel. He said the word happiness with the least amount of happiness. Lugel. Lugel, if he scares you, let me know, yeah? You're so beautiful, Lugel. Who you here with? Alone. Oh, I love that. Thanks for coming by yourself to laugh and have a good time. You know, because you are happiness. That's why you made that choice, yeah? Well, I love you, woman. And you're Danish, right? That's why you're very stoic. No energy. This is Danish. Hi, how are you? Fine. How are you? You're happy? Yeah. You're sad? Yeah. You're excited? Yeah. You're alive? Yeah, I think so. Not a lot of expression, huh? Lugel, after the show, you come backstage and meet with me, yeah? You came by yourself, I give you a big hug. Okay, Lugel? Thanks for coming, my love. Lugel. What's your name? Dick? Stick? Dick. Stick. Your name is Stick. A stick. S-T. I. G. Stick. I said stick eight times. Stick it is. I like stick. You don't pronounce it. Steam. That's tough, isn't it? I mean, I feel bad for you immigrant people. You guys are going to learn these names and these languages. Steam. Steam. Lugel. Lugel. Steam. Good luck to you people. Move back. This is tough. I heard Swedish and Danish, they have a little competition. There's a thing. What's happening? I live in Sweden. You live in Sweden? Do you think you guys are better than Danish? Yes. All the immigrants. Yes. Who the **** are you? The real ******* Swedish said no. Can I tell you something? Danish think they're better than you. They told me. You're Danish, live in Sweden. Wow. Why? What made you move there? Because of her? You fell in love? Yeah? She's Swedish? Yeah? What's your name, honey? Max. Max, you can do this. Max. Your ears and your brain can connect and you can repeat the name. When she says it one time, you're going to hear it and you're going to store it in your brain, okay? It's easier than... Lugel. Come, the third one. Go! Gud. Neither one of you know. Both of you said something else. My love, don't be sensitive, yeah? Your name is absolutely beautiful. It's so beautiful that I'm going to learn it and I'm going to wake up every morning saying your name. Huh? You don't think so? You think it's ugly? I didn't want to say it but thank you for your honesty. You're a very honest person. I wanted to say it every morning to appreciate my own name. Lugel. Lugel. Lugel. Please go again. Frida. Frida. Yes! Don't clap right now. I'm in the middle of memorizing. You said Frida. He said Frida but you're saying like Frida. Frida. You said a K in there, no? You make Frida Frida. You destroy a beautiful name with your shitty Swedish accent. Why would you do this to yourself? In no language in the world sounds f***ing sexy. How does your boyfriend Stig is able to call your name in the bedroom? I love you. I'm going to call my name bitch. Call my name. Why did you lose your erection? Oh, I was trying to say your name, love. Good luck in your sex life. Can you imagine when they're having sex? Say my name. Honey, don't say the G. It's silent. You like it? I like it. I like it too. Stick it to me, Stig. I give it to you. I recommend all of you guys go home tonight and Stig-fil. Enjoy yourself. Finally, for God's sake. One billion Chinese one person came? What's your name, my love? Hoi. Hoi. Such a beautiful name. Pleasure meeting you. Do you live here? You married an Iranian? Oh, my sweet love. My condolences to you. What happened to your life? You married an Iranian and then you came to the coldest city on planet Earth? My darling, what are you doing in Copenhagen? What's your job? I'm a fashion designer. Wow, you're a fashion designer. That's so beautiful. Is your husband able to speak English? Yeah, he can. What's your name, buddy? Nice to meet you, man. What a lucky person you are. You son of a bitch. You married a Chinese girl? Not just any Chinese girl. She's a fashion designer. I cannot see you, man, but you're a lucky-ass person. What are you doing in Copenhagen? Huh? Did you die? Huh? What the **** happened to you? Is somebody suffocating you? Hoy! Give him mouth-to-mouth. Come again. You know how pathetic you have to be that your woman has to speak to you on behalf of you in public? Businessman, my ass. You might as well be homeless. You destroyed the Iranian reputation in the house. I thought one Iranian guy married a Chinese, okay? He's gonna represent. What did he do? Businessman. Pop, let me see how many single people here first. How many people are single here, Argentina? That's not convincing enough. You don't have energy for relationship, honey. What kind of clapping is that, honey? If you're single, you go, yes, I'm single. What's your name? Gambler? Well, you should change your name. Turkish name, but in English, it doesn't sound so positive. Gambler. Sounds like you're gonna ruin somebody's life. So, Gambler, how long have you been single? Many years. That's a red flag. Why do you think that is? Take your time. Yeah? 1400 people here have nothing to do. No, take your time, my love. Think about it. You've never even thought why the hell you've been single for a long time. You have a career, you have a job. Well, you think these people are homeless? Come on, play with me, yeah? What is your job that is so hard? Insurance lawyer. So you're good at lying, yeah? You're good at ripping people off. You're good at manipulation. You should have a lot of boyfriends. And you're pretty, yeah? Are you very conservative? Conservative like you don't wear sexy outfits and stuff? What you're wearing? It looks like you're wearing a sleeping bag. Ah, hoy! Gambler in the front row needs a sexy outfit. She will hook you up. Okay? Why are you pointing at the girl? You know that girl? No, you don't know each other. You just... **** you. I think she's a lesbian. She likes you. You're a lesbian? If you are, good for you. We accept everybody here, any background, anything. Yeah? Okay. Mom, I'm sorry I said lesbian. I know you're Muslim, the hijab lady. Is that okay? It's Denmark, you know? It's haram. But Gambler, her name is haram anyways. You left Argentina for Denmark, huh? What happened? Did you fall in love with somebody? Yes, I knew it. It has to be like that because for her to leave Argentina, to come to a place where her nipples are hard the whole time, it's not an easy transition, yeah? But you did it, yeah? Your ex, and then the guy left you? You left him? Good for you. Women power, I love that. Good for you. So now you're single. It's okay. It's gonna happen for you, yeah? I'm gonna hook you up really fast, yeah? My single men in here, clap, really quick. Single men? Single men here, no single men? Hot ass Argentinian. But that one is such a loser, the women are like, please take this one away. If he's so good, then you take it. Yeah? You can have him. What's your name? What do you do? Pharmacist. Oh, not bad. Yeah, no, no. Pharmacist is very respectful, and it's very wonderful. If you can't get it up, there's a pill for it. And you have access. What's the most important element for you in a woman? Intelligence. Okay, alright. What about you? What's the most important element in a man? Sense of humor. Well, she's looking for me, but thank you for attending. Just send me some Viagra. Who did you marry? An American. Really? Wow, you really did good, man. Americans are fun. You guys are so by the book here. Every day, same thing. Make sure we have insurance. Make sure we park okay. Make sure we go to work on time. Yeah? Danish are so by the book. Good for you. But marriage? You go cuckoo. But this guy got an American. Americans, we don't give a ----. You come home, your wife. Unpredictable, right? Look at our president. Doesn't give a ----. Even our president's like, ha ha, I was kidding. Whatever he says, he changes his mind tomorrow. He doesn't give a ----. How long have you been living in Copenhagen? I was born and raised here. You were born and raised here. How does that work? If you're born here, you automatically get it? Like America? You need Danish parents. You need Danish parents, yeah? Ah. So you're looking for Danish parents right now. Are you up for adoption? Yes, we will find somebody to adopt you. And do you have a boyfriend? I have a husband. You have a husband. Is he Danish by any chance? He's from Pakistan. Well, you fucked up there. Now, it's very hard to find a Danish mom and dad to adopt you and your husband. Yeah? You look adorable, but I'm not sure about your husband. Who? It's very difficult, sweetheart. Ah. Are you open if I find you a nice parent? Would you be okay with divorcing your husband? You would divorce your husband to go with the Danish parents, yes? Okay. No, don't think of it right now. We're making a deal right now. Divorce him right away, okay? It's worth the passport, okay? She will consider it. This is how valuable the Danish passport is. I love this. Look at the demand. I love that. Good for you. Any kids? **** my life. Two kids? You have kids, too? So, just say, I'm looking for a grandparent to adopt to all of us. No, no. Say it slow for me. Penlili. Penlili. Penlili. Is that a common name? It's very cute. It's a cute Danish name. Penlili. Middle Easterners love it. They go, Penlili. Penlili.