America Is Politically Confused. ‪@ArmandoAntoComedy‬ - Full Special

My name is Armando Anto and I am from France. And I'm very happy to be in America because where I come from in France, the French people, they never accepted me. Because I look like this. Yeah. And then I moved to Texas. And there they accepted me. They accepted me as a Mexican. Mi familia. Did you know that racism in France is different than racism in America? Did you know that? In France, we're better at it. Like in France, when somebody tells you to go back where you came from, they actually know where the country is. I will never forget my citizenship test when I became an American. And I'm not making this up. My first question was, where is America? I was like, America is everywhere. Afghanistan, Iraq. It doesn't count, you know. And then I had to go through the reading test. And I had to read one sentence. And the sentence was, I can read in English. So I did. And then the writing test, I had to write one sentence. And it was, I can write in English. But I'm a funny guy. So I wrote, I cannot write in English. And I passed the test. Because the auditor could not read either. So welcome to America. And then the auditor asked me, he said, are you proud to be an American? I was like, based on the test, I don't know who else you let in. And I don't feel safe right now. But I'm very happy to be in America. I would not live anywhere else. It's a crazy country. But I love it here. Everywhere when I tour in the world, when I tell people I'm from France, everybody has the same reaction. Everybody's like, aww. Then I tell them I'm also from Iran. And then they're like, aww. And then I tell them I'm also American. And then they run away. This joke is funnier in other countries. You know in the movies, when they tell you like, if the aliens attack the earth, we're all going to fight together as one human race, right? I don't think so. I think that if the aliens attack the earth, the aliens will be like, we're going to destroy the earth. And we're going to be like, we've already done it. This joke is even funnier on other planets. I am also a classical violinist. Yes. Wait, I might be lying. In my show, every time I'm going to introduce a topic that's going to divide the crowd politically, I'm always going to introduce these topics with beautiful music. Let's talk about COVID. I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I actually don't think the virus was made in China. I think it was made somewhere else, but it was just way cheaper to manufacture it in China. And as usual, China stole the idea and made it available to everybody. Think about it. If China made the virus, it would have been the first time that China makes something that lasts that long. I don't believe anything anymore since the last three years. Do you guys? Do you believe anything that's on your phone? I don't even believe Biden is president. And I don't think he knows either. We're going to have an election soon. We're going to have to have low expectations. Choosing between Democrats and Republicans nowadays, it's kind of like going on a bad date. If you go on a date with a Democrat, he's going to promise you the moon, but he's never going to deliver. If you go on a date with a Republican, he's going to deliver and he's going to explode the moon. It's kind of like choosing between dog food and cat food. Neither one are good, but we're hungry, we have to vote, right? And we're not going to vote vegan. I remember when George W. Bush got elected, I was still in France. Then I voted Obama. I was like, oh, the first black president and then his policies were so white. And then Trump got elected and that's when I knew that America is the land of opportunities. And then we topped out with Biden and I'm looking at all these bad choices and I'm like, I could be president. I never understood pride, you know. I've never been proud to be French like this. Do you have any French people tonight in the crowd? Thank God. French people are the worst. I'm going to prove this tonight. I went to a monster truck show in a big stadium because that's what good American families do. So I was with my family and we watched and for no reason they played the national anthem at the beginning. 20,000 people stood up like this. I've never seen that in my life, you know. And I was looking around, I was like, wow, North Korea. So I was sitting and there was a little girl in the front row and she was looking at me like this. And I was annoyed and I was going to stand up. I didn't want to be disrespectful but she was so annoying. So I leaned into her and I said, honey, I would stand up but I have dynamite stripes all around my waist. But don't worry, when I stand up, you'll know. There's been so many lies in the last three years, so many lies that I had to come up with a new chord. The lying chord. Very important, the lying chord. My son, he asked me, he said, dad, what is lying? I told him, I said, do you remember when I told you you were the most important thing in the world? Do you remember when I told your mother I was sorry? And then my wife came, she said, do you remember when I told you he was your son? You guys are an incredible audience. Next chapter. Hmm. Yeah. This is for my dogs. This guy gave me a croissant with cheese. I said, no, thank you, monsieur. It rhymes in French. Let's talk about racism. Hmm. I can't even be racist. Look at my face. I'm becoming so conservative in the last three years, becoming so conservative that the other day, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was like, you have to get out of this country. On top of that, I'm married to a Mexican, Mexican wife. And I love her. She's great. I love Mexico. And I'll never forget the pregnancy. What women, what they go through, wow, incredible women. When my wife got pregnant, we start having the same symptoms. Like she felt weird. I felt weird. She was very moody, and I couldn't stand her. And then she felt she was getting fat. And I felt she was getting fat. But to celebrate, we went to France. What a bad idea. She got sick over there on the first trimester, and we went to a pharmacy, and the pharmacist was so French. And my wife, she looked at the pharmacist, and she was like, I'm going to go practice my French. And I was like, don't practice here. She still went to the pharmacist. She said, moi, pregnant, peeled, oui. And the pharmacist's exact words, if I can translate, she said, ma'am, it's too late for plan B. So my son has different accents when he cries. When he cries with a French accent, he's like, moi, moi. When he cries with a Mexican accent, he's like, ayayayaya. And when he cries with an American accent, he's like, not my president. This joke works every term. Right after the quarantine, about three, four years ago, right after the quarantine, we had the Floyd protest. Remember? I live in Hollywood. We have an apartment with a big rooftop, and we see the whole LA. So during the protest, I brought my son to a rooftop. He was four years old. I said, look, son, look at all these people protesting together. They are black, white, brown. They are all protesting together, and they are all equal. And we are better than them. Look at them spreading COVID. My son is confused. He thinks that my arrogance is racism. My arrogance is racism. He said, dad, why do you think you're better than black people? I said, I never said that I'm better than black people. I said that I'm better than everybody. Next chapter. We talk a lot about the environment. There is only one group of people who is not hypocrite and is good for the environment. They recycle. They don't use electricity. And before I introduce them, I have to play something. Let's talk about the homeless. You have to give it up to the homeless in Los Angeles, guys. They have to survive earthquakes, fires, traffic. The only thing they cannot survive is a job application. It's okay, you can laugh. They are not here right now. They cannot afford the ticket. So I was driving during the whole COVID thing. I was driving with my wife and the two kids. And I told my wife, I said, in this car, I have the three most important people in the world, the kids and myself. There was a big lake in Los Angeles surrounded by homeless tent. One of these tents really caught my attention. It was like a three bedroom tent apartment. So I came to the homeless guy and I said, Hey homeless guy. He said, I don't identify as a homeless. He said, I don't identify as poor. I identify as the middle class. And I was like, Ah, same thing. I looked at the dude and I said, Dude, you have a three bedroom tent apartment. You have Wi-Fi. Lake view. I'm like, How did you end up here? You'll never believe what he said. He said, I don't live here. I just Airbnb. And I was like, Somebody's making you pay rent and doesn't pay taxes? Where is that church? You guys are doing great. Let's talk about drinking. I was in Houston, Texas. Hey, my Texan people. No, they're nice people. I went to a party and I had just two drinks. I wasn't drunk at all. It was 2 a.m. on the highway. I was driving and then there's another car that came and as I was winning the race, I realized that the other car was a cop. And he looked at me and said, Do you know why I pulled you over? I was like, Yes, because I won. So I have to get out of the car. He started looking for drugs inside my car. I was like, Sir, there is no drugs in the car. Everything is in the violin box. Now, he made me do the drinking test and I have this passion in life to drink two bottles of wine at home and practice the drinking test just to see if I'm good. The first test, you have to walk 20 steps heel to toe. Some of you know the drinking test. Don't be hypocrites. So the cop said, Go ahead. So I went 1, 2, 3, 20 and then the cop said, Backwards. And I was like, Backwards? That is not how I practice at home. Backwards. 1, 2, 3, 4. Then you have to follow the light. So the cop went like this. And I was like this. Then he went like that. And I was like this. And then he went like that. And I was like, Have you been drinking too? Now, I hate to do this. I hate social media. But by the way, follow me at Armando Violin Comedy. It's Armando Violin Comedy. Have you ever liked your own comments on Facebook? Because that's all I do. I go on Facebook. I leave mean comments to people I don't know. And I like it. It's a lot of fun. This woman the other day on Instagram, she messaged me on my Armando Violin Comedy. She messaged me privately. She's like, You only like your own comments. Don't you know it's called social media? I answered back. I said, You don't sound very social. Like. It's a lot of fun. So, I'm going to end with a real crazy story that happened to me. But first, I want to thank you the crowd. Because without you guys, I was going to give up on my dreams. Like most of you did. And I really believe if you want to be successful in life, you should surround yourself with successful people. And that's why I have so many mirrors at home. You should also learn from failures. If you want to be successful, you should learn from failures. And that's why I hang out with all my comedian friends. I'm kidding. I would never hang out with those losers. It's a lot of fun to watch American movies dubbed in French. That's a lot of fun. You know Scarface? When Al Pacino goes, Say hello to my little friend. Right? This is Scarface in French. You watch the Terminator in French. Ah, that's fun. You know the famous scene, I'll be back. This is I'll be back in French. Je reviendrai bientôt. And then you watch Charlie Chaplin in French. And he actually sounds the same. So about 10 years ago, I was traveling the world as a violinist. And I had everything a man could dream of. And I started feeling depressed. Because that's what you do when you make money. And so I called my best friend and I said, Dude, I'm really feeling bad. What should I do with my life? And he said, You should go in Peru in the Amazon and do an Ayahuasca ceremony. If you don't know what Ayahuasca is, Ayahuasca is a potion you drink in the Amazon for meditation. Or as the scientists explain it, You're going to get so high, you're going to meet Jesus. Like Ayahuasca is stronger than heroin. But it's organic. The first thing that surprised me was meeting the tiny little shaman. You know, the drug dealer. He looked at me and he was like, Strong energy Chico. Tonight for the first time, you will finally meet yourself. And I was like, I'm going to meet myself. What an honor. I went in the middle of nowhere, guys. No cell phone connection. You're in the middle of the jungle. If anything happens to you, you're done. I drank the Ayahuasca. I lay down and the shaman started to sing. And I remember thinking, Wow, Bob Dylan. And after four hours, I was like, Do you have another song? And then, ladies and gentlemen, behind the light, I met myself for the first time. And then the real trip started. What I was going to do with my life, I was going to become a stand-up comedian. My name is Armando Antoague.