Why We're Still Single

Am I still single because I'm chasing down this train? My next boyfriend was always the next guy that liked me. I'm choosing to be single because I wanted to work on myself a little bit more. I did meet someone special who I started envisioning something longer term with. But as it turn single, let's talk about it. All right, everybody. This video is going to be a little bit different. Uh it's going to be a little bit more personal. It's really a topic that I haven't really talked about on the channel very often, but I thought I might as well let loose and let the bullets fly and you know, if this hits with someone that and it helps you or it's relatable, now it's going to be dope. Got to catch this train. Am I still single because I'm chasing down this train while vlogging and this seems like a very unmarried thing to do. I don't know. 47% men, 53% women in New York City. That means that should be pretty good odds for men finding what they want, right? Right. But then again, onethird of all New Yorker adults are unmarried and that is higher than the national average. So maybe it's just New York's fault. Anyways, as some of you guys may know that I did have a girlfriend, uh, but we actually ended things in September and she was the one that kind of went on that Europe trip with me if you guys caught that video back then. And it lasted about a year and a half. It was pretty serious, but we we couldn't make it to season 2. we had actually met each other's parents and so obviously the talks and the situation was getting kind of serious and I think we just really really didn't make it through those serious talks. There's no love loss. We're amicable. We're were chill. But definitely I think we decided that our two future lifestyles were not going to align. And so that was kind of sad. But then since then I have been dating. And yeah, dating in New York I'll say this, it's fun. It's dynamic. But it may not be that conducive for marriage. But I also don't want to just fully blame it on New York City. I think that's everywhere. That's every advanced big city. I dated some people and had some flings and situationships, which I think all ended positively, by the way, which is something I always strive to do. But then I did meet someone special who I started envisioning something longer term with. But as it turned out, she's on a completely different timeline. And that's the crazy thing is you can be really attracted to each other. You can have this chemistry, but if you're on a different timeline than them, it's over, baby. Maybe you could circle back, but it's best not to hold out hope for that. And then there's a whole dating app dilemma where dating apps kind of give you the idea that there's a ton of options out there, but it's also very, very hard to have like a real relationship. I I did meet a girlfriend off of uh a dating app before. So, I guess it kind of works, but overall it does require a lot of stamina, a lot of stamina and a lot of time and self-esteem hits that not everybody is actually ready for. So, I would say that dating apps can work, but it really depends on how you use them and the stamina you have for them because man, it can get tiring. I guess the best way I can describe it is that I'm kind of scared of the prospect of changing my entire life for someone else and I've lived my life in my way for so long and it is a slightly different lifestyle. It's kind of hard to find somebody who fits into this lifestyle and but then I asked myself why do I have to live this lifestyle forever too like what what is there to tell me that this is the best lifestyle? Change could be really really good for me. In fact, I think about change all the time, but I'm also simultaneously kind of scared of it. And after meeting enough people, obviously my reads on who might work with me and not become quicker. So now I can meet someone and probably make a call in a shorter period of time than I would otherwise. But honestly, I don't know if that's really helping me because maybe relationships really just come down to commitment and sacrifice. And that's why sometimes I wish someone would just arrange a marriage for me. Wouldn't that be interesting if someone could just arrange a because, you know, people are still getting in arranged marriages right now. And yeah, it might be partially due to, you know, ethnic and religious reasons and the whole family's in on it, but those seem to work out pretty well. Sure, they didn't date in the most romantic way, but they learned to love each other. So, I don't know, maybe arranged marriages come back in some form. Anyways guys, I'm actually on my way to go grab dinner and grab hot pot with two friends and maybe they can give their perspective on why they're also single. All right, everybody. I'm here at three hot pot with Steph and Candace. Uh we just ate a bunch. Uh you can grill on the outside and eat hot pot in the middle. So I think it was very interesting. I actually prefer the hot pot here. I'm so full. I liked all of it. I think this spot is optimized for hot pot, but the grill was uh grilled meat was very good, too. It's also all you can drink. We just all had dinner. We're all single by choice. What's making you choose to be single? I worked on myself a lot after my last really toxic relationship. Um, and after moving to a new city, I realized that I don't want to be trapped in a relationship where I'm not happy. And I found out that I'm actually the happiest when I'm single because that's when I can actually be my own person. When I'm in a relationship, I give my all to that person. That person becomes my whole life and I start neglecting myself. And that's what I've been working on. Like, why am I like that? So, I'm still working on that, figuring that out. And until then, I don't think it's a good idea to even like be in a relationship with anybody. You know, you can't you can't pour from like a not full cup. It's better to pour from a full cup, right? So, not in a rush for anything. I'm not in a rush at all. But you have obviously had long relationships in the past. Yes, I've only had longterm relationships. Like I've only had 2 years, four years, 5 years. Like most of my adult life, I've been in a relationship. So now I'm in the chapter of finding myself and really figuring out what I want. Not like how well I can fit into other people's lives. Like I want them to fit into my life for once. Because I think that's what self- loveve is. Like you don't want to become the perfect partner for a random person. like you want to be the best person, the best version of yourself so that you attract the right person for you. That's why I'm single. Let us know what you think about Steph's comments down below if that's relatable. All right, Candace. I feel like I totally agree and I understand completely. Similar situation. I'm choosing to be single because I wanted to work on myself a little bit more because I feel like to learn like to unlearn certain patterns in relationships or like it takes time and it's okay. And I feel like subconsciously I'm choosing solitude over connections that doesn't serve us anymore. And also I feel um the version of love that I waiting for or like I want requires me to work on myself to become the best version of me to be able to fully receive it. Cuz especially growing up as a caretaker, as a giver, I it become like a second nature to put my feelings aside to do things for other people like to make sure like everyone else is having a good time. They're doing well. We're doing things for them and then instead of thinking about like what do I need, instead of thinking about like what would make me happy, what's important for me in a relationship, what you deserve. Yeah. Exactly. Like you're over here burning yourself trying to light and warm other people up that you like almost like extinguish your own flame and then you kind of like feel empty. You're like you're happy in the relationship and it's like, you know, not the other person's fault most of the time. Mo a lot sometimes it is though the person they're just draining they just take take take and as a giver you're happy to give you're happy to give but then like there comes a point where you're like wait when when do I set the boundary you know so it's healthy to set boundaries right your own person yeah I think it's important to be able to love yourself so you can love other people a little bit better so that's also one of the things that I'm working on to give myself a little bit more love that's something that I learned so someone so wise it's important to give yourself the love that you so freely give to everyone else. So yeah, self love and and just knowing that you also deserve that love, you know. And another thing is a pattern I realized is that like when I come out of a relationship, I almost immediately jump into another one. And that was another pattern that I had to work on and like identify and figure out why. And I realize it's just like when you're like when you're so like desperate for love and like just wanting to be loved and be cared for. You get into the wrong relationship. And for me it was like my next boyfriend was always the next guy that liked me. I was like okay you. And then it was like four years of my life and I'm like wait what do you do? Yeah. So now I'm trying to be like now I want to be the one that picks, you know, right? Like I want to be picky now, right? And where we put over time and energy to you. It's important. That's what happens when you're someone who sees the best in people. When someone shows interest, you're like all you see is like the good in them. So you're like, "Oh, you are a good person." Mother Teresa, you're like, you're always seeing like people, you're always trying to look at the good part of those people, right? So for people like us, I I read cuz you're always going to see the good ones no matter what. But instead of looking at that and being like, "Oh, yay. I like you." You look at their worst qualities and you be like, "Am I okay with that?" Right? It's already your 50% is already someone else is like 90%. Right? If their worst quality is like they're kind of sus, they like kind of like are like shady. I'm like, "No, I'm not okay with that." But if their worst quality is like, "Oh, they're kind of messy." I'm like, "Okay, I can deal with that." You know, look at their worst traits, worst qualities. That's what I'm trying to do. And being like, am I okay with that? Hey fellas, back on self-awareness. Hey fellas, be careful because the women are out looking for your worst qualities now, which is fair. Which is fair because I mean, should guys do that too to women? Yes, absolutely. Everyone when they first meet meet you, they're at their best behavior. They possess the best. I have this theory that it's like the 3-month rule, right? After 3 months, no one can hold a mask up for more than 3 months. So, you just like wait it out. You know, take things slow. I'm all about slow burn. I used to be like passionate cool everything sparks like love bombing. Love that. I always fell for that. Fireworks. If it's fireworks and like rainbows and sunshine in the beginning, don't fall for that. Wait 3 months. Let it have a slow burn. Slow burn is the way to go now. Yes. Because fireworks burns too furious too quickly. Burns out. A firework can't burn for 3 months. Exactly. Make it a slow burn. All right. So, no, that's really good advice. So, so watch out when someone's love bombing. Wait 3 months before you really fall in because you got to see them. See who they are without the mask and work on yourself. Yeah. Give yourself a little bit more love. If you don't motivate me, you don't want me to become better. You're like honestly just pulling me down. Why would I? If you holding her down, don't even If you're holding me down, you can't hold me down. Don't even if you Yeah. If you're already holding them down, then you then how you going to hold them down? cuz we're going to step up anyway. Yeah, exactly. And if you can't provide it, you can't provide it. You're not for me. It's fine. There's someone else out there for you. And it's okay. Also, if my friends are treating me so much nicer than you, what do I need you for? No offense, but offense. That's another thing. Yes. We hope that you can find your happiness as well. Thank you so much for that, ladies. I got to step outside to finish this video. All right, everybody. I just left Hop. Dropped off Candace and Steph. They're going to go to the karaoke spot. But uh yeah, after that conversation and realizing that I've only had one actual long-term serious girlfriend, which was my last one, and it was pretty serious. We met each other's parents and stuff like that. It was only a year and a half, but you know, in New York terms, it's like it's like 3 years. New York New York moves fast. But yeah, I I realized that maybe my dating age is significantly lower than my actual age. like my dating age is maybe like six, seven years younger, you know, maybe I do need to deliberately experience more and I really don't know what I want right now. I mean, I have an idea, but it it might be that I want something different in a year from now. And and things change over time and and what I wanted 8 months ago is a little bit different than what I want right now. And that's okay. But I do think doing things with intention is important and that's the only way you're really going to get through things. Whether it's the repetitions that you need or the experiences or sometimes you need to go through some hurt, sometimes you need to go through some puzzles to figure things out for yourself. And so yeah, I mean also even you know my life is kind of changing. So I think that might be another reason why I'm single. But it's not single because I can't get a date. It's just single sort of by choice or is it? Anyways guys, let me know if this video was relatable. Shout out to Steph and Candace for sharing their personal story and hopefully that was helpful to you. Not everybody has to think that way. Not everybody has to think like me. I have friends who are very in in very amazing loving relationships. They got amazing families and obviously sometimes I look at them and there is some FOMO and I'm like, "Dang, where's mine? when when is it going to be my I find my person, you know? But yeah, it's all a journey. I'll probably make another video addressing this again later. But yeah, that's all I got for you right now. So, thank you everybody. Uh, thank you so much for watching. Hit that like button. Check out more videos. Let me know what you think about these walk-in talks around New York City. I'm full on hot pot. I'm trying to walk it off, man. Till next time, I'm out. Peace.