30 Minutes of Steve Byrne Stand-Up Comedy

Over time I've discovered that my wife, definitely, and I have different sense of humor. There are things I witness that sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm glad I'm with my guy friends to appreciate this. And I'll give you an example. I was in Las Vegas recently. We go to Mandalay Bay. There's a lazy river in the back, people floating, laying along the lazy river. I hit this one bend and there was this gorgeous, gorgeous woman laying out with a bikini completely to the side, okay? So the vagina is out. Out, the only thing more out than this vagina is Clay Aiken. It is out. And I am mesmerized as any man would be, right? I'm a man, I'm floating through it. It's like, yeah, let's go to the fight tonight. Not a Cirque show. Let's go see that fight. That's what we'll do. Yeah, we're gonna have a good time. I'll lock up the tickets. We're gonna go. Guys, come here. We have to go again. We have to, it's free. Come on. Okay, we'll have to see that last night. Let's go, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle. We keep laughing in this pool like we had never seen a vagine in our lives. I timed it, three hours, seven minutes. That is a Lord of the Rings film with prune hands. That's what we accomplished that day. But I know for a fact, if my wife's in my situation, she's floating with her girlfriends. She hits a bend in the pool. There's a dude laying out with his nuts dropped like a bad transmission. Just a two-piece chilling outside of a pair of board shorts like a hairy chandelier. She doesn't appreciate that. Let's get a mimosa. Well, I'll share it with you because it's daytime. I want to enjoy my day. I want to enjoy my night because we're going to have so much fun this weekend, girls. We're going to have so much. Don't turn around. Don't, no. You can't unsee what I just saw. As a matter of fact, we're leaving. We're not staying here. I saw what's saying. We're getting the, Tina, I don't give a shit what you found on Priceline. We're getting the **** out now. Will you give me and my guy friends a float through a pool? There's a dude laying out with his nuts popped out. Yeah, let's get a steak. Not a Mexican or a Thai. Let's get a steak dinner. Let's treat ourselves like gentlemen. Let's do it, right? Like a bunch of G. Guys, come here. Oh, we have to go get this free. We have to. I'm going to name my boys. I'm going to name them. I'll call that one Lance. That one Armstrong. I will say this over the course of my marriage and aspiring to always be a better husband. I will say this. The biggest lesson I've had to learn in terms of trying to be a better husband and a great partner in life is that my wife is very sensitive. So I got to watch what I say as a comic. I got to watch what I say, particularly when it comes to body image. You know, she's very sensitive. She's, you know, we live in Los Angeles. She is not some skinny waif who's going to drink juice smoothies and do yoga all day. Now, here's a girl from Minnesota. This is why I married her. This is the kind of girl I could walk into Cheesecake Factory with. As soon as we'll walk in, we'll look at each other like, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're going to **** up that cake? We're like people in a dog pound. And it's like, you're coming home with us. You're coming home with us. I want to take them all home. So here's a lesson I had to learn, okay? The other day I was sitting on my couch watching TV. She comes in with a laundry basket full of clothes from the dryer and dumps it on the couch next to me, which means we're folding laundry? What the ****? I got to preface this next part with letting you know, my wife has got a big ass, okay? I am not speaking out of school. She'd be the first to tell you or admit it. She got a big butt. Like if you saw my wife from behind, oh, I bet she's married to a professional athlete. Like if you saw my wife from behind, you'd be like, oh, I bet she's married to someone that always votes Democrat. I don't think you guys, okay. Like if you saw my wife from behind, oh, I bet she's married to someone that owns at least one Tyler Perry DVD. A black guy, he got it. A black guy, there we go. Black guy. So she has a big ass. So I go in this laundry pile. The first thing I pick out are these cutoff sweatshorts that she wears. I wasn't even thinking. Just reflexively, this comes out. I hold them up. I go, whoa. Everything got quiet. Everything. Even the guy golfing on TV was. The way I said, whoa, is not the way any woman would like to hear her waistline described. The way I said, whoa, was the way you say, whoa, when you see the Grand Canyon for the first time. Whoa. Not pants. So I know I messed up, right? And I slowly, slowly look over at my wife and I see the tear developing. Now it didn't drop, so it's not official, okay? We've all had tears. Peekaboo, they go back in. To me, unless it's moonwalking on that cheek, I don't give a shit. Your feelings ain't hurt. It's not a real tear. But I know I messed up. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I wasn't thinking. Get out. Get out of this house. I got it. I'm gonna fold it all. Go get some fresh air. That's what you should. Take a lap around the neighborhood. Take a long lap around the neighborhood. Take a few laps. Get those laps in a... I'm not saying you need the exercise. That's how it was. You know I love you? And I love your ass. You think about this. A few years ago, girls spent thousands of dollars on surgery to get fat sucked out of their ass. Now they get surgery to get fat put in their ass. And you don't need it because you already got the fat. I'm gonna shut the **** up. That's when my wife walked over to the laundry pile and she picked up my boxer briefs and she goes, medium. And that's when I learned that those tears are real. It's a real tear. It does count. Now my wife is sensitive. I am not sensitive. My guy friends are certainly not sensitive. And if I could encapsulate an event that occurred recently where something is socially acceptable to a group of my guy friends and certainly not to my wife, it would be this. A few weeks ago, my wife asked to borrow my phone. I said, sure, take it. No problem. Her battery died. She walks away. Every guy's worst nightmare happened to me. Sexual text messages start popping up on my phone. She stopped dead in her tracks. She walks over. She goes, what the hell is this? I take it. I'm like, oh shit. Oh God. Oh, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you had to see this. This is so bad. But you're reading the text messages. You're not reading the names. These are my guy friends. You see, I'm having a very bad fantasy football Sunday because I'm losing so bad. They're telling me all the shit they're gonna do to my body. Like, yeah, Steve, I can't wait to bend you over and **** you straight up in that wet pussy of yours. Okay. I don't have a pussy. And if I did, it wouldn't get wet from losing. I have no idea what that means. That's confusing. Steve, I'm just letting you know that when I **** you like this, this is strictly physical. There's no emotions involved. So don't try to kiss me or make eye contact with me. You will never meet my friends or family. You're my **** toy. That's not nice. You don't, don't talk to somebody like that. Steve, I wish I could scientifically prove I could get a man's face pregnant when I blow my load in your mouth. It's creative. She goes, is this what you and your friends do? Yes. Do you guys text? You don't, what do you, what do you girls text each other? She's like, baby pictures and recipes. That is not on this phone. There are no baby pictures or, oh, here's a recipe for semen. Steve, this season has been such a debacle for you that for the remaining few weeks, I'll make it nice on you. I will refrain from touching myself and keep a steady diet of pineapple. I will develop such a sweet, heavy load that when I dump it on you, it will resemble the end of the movie Carrie, but instead of blood, it will be my semen drowning you and your entire township. Hashtag dessert time. She goes, why is this happening? I had a bad draft? She's like, you're disgusting. I'm like, I'm the ******* victim. Well, no easy segue to this one. We have a daughter now. Sorry. Got a little girl, got a little boy. I want to do my best now as a father to impart upon them some words of wisdom, some life lessons, some shortcuts. Look, I know they're not going to listen to me. They're going to make up their own. But look, it's not going to prevent me from trying to be a good pop and pass down some knowledge. You know, I'm 40. I learned most of my lessons. I definitely still have some to learn, but I'd like to pass it down. Like, how old are you, buddy? Right here. 22. You look good for 22. You a smoker? Goddamn, dude. Now, what's your name? Ken? All right. First off, let's lose the attitude, Ken. I don't know where that's coming from. Ken, enjoy your 20s. 20s are the best. People would say, college are the best years of your life. I absolutely disagree. Your 20s are. Take as many pictures of yourself as you can right now, because the rest of your life, you'll be trying to get back to what you have right now. If you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and go, ah, ****, kill yourself now. Right now, you are the 96 Bulls. 10, yeah. 10 years from now, you're Jordan on the Wizards. It's gonna get sad. There's a blissful ignorance to your 20s. For example, you most likely do not know what kale is yet. Exactly. Kale's not on your grocery list. At 22, you don't even have a grocery list. Here's your grocery list at 22. Chipotle. That's your grocery list. Kale is a rich, nutrient-ridden leaf. It's overpriced. It tastes like shit. But once you turn 30, you will eat kale because you're getting back on track, baby. I can't stand people in their early 30s like, I'm eating right, I've been working out for six months, I'm in the best shape of my life. That ship has sailed, my friend. The best shape of any of our lives between the ages of four to eight years old. That is the best shape of your life. You climb a tree, you fall down, you cry for two minutes, next you know, you're going downstairs in a cardboard box. That's unbelievable shape. Ken, you on Tinder? Look at me like a ******* man. Are you on Tinder? No. I respect you. As a fella, I will say this. I find Tinder to be very condescending. The audacity of some of you guys to just sit there and visually swipe on faces dictating who and who is not ****-worthy in your little kingdoms on your phone. If you have the balls to use Tinder in the privacy of your phone, you should have the balls to use Tinder in real life. Go to a bar. Tap a girl on the shoulder. Wait for him to turn around. Jesus Christ. Oh, God. It's the worst chillies ever. Ken, are you single? Yeah. Listen, do me this favor. And I really mean this. As a fella, you got your whole life ahead of you. Starting a date, whatever. You got some girls on, whatever. Look, never ever, ever look at a girl and say that girl is out of my league. You always give love a shot. Always give love a shot. Very few girls are truly out of your league. Looks wise, okay? That's what I mean. Go to the hot spot. Find a girl you like. Look at her and go, oh, she's stunning. She'd never stop yourself. Then you look at that girl and you picture that girl as an Applebee's waitress. And if you could picture that girl working at Applebee's, you got a ******* shot. Every Applebee's, every Applebee's has one hottie, okay? And very few women are too stunning to work at Applebee's. Here's what I mean. Jennifer Lawrence, she's stunning. She's beautiful. She's a movie star. She's talented. Silver Linings Playbook, Hunger Games. She's got it all. You think without that talent, she's working at Applebee's? Oh, you better believe it. Reese Witherspoon. You see her working at Applebee's? Yeah. Probably a district manager within nine months. Fast track. Angelina Jolie. You see her kicking open a kitchen door with some sizzling fajitas in tow, trying to upsell you on a pina colada during happy hour? Fuck no. Angelina Jolie has never and will never step foot inside of an Applebee's. So you're sitting there saying to yourself, I got a shot with most girls, but probably not Angelina Jolie. And Ken, you are correct. But know this, for every Angelina Jolie, there is a Billy Bob Thornton. So get out there and be that Billy Bob Thornton. And Ken, you are halfway there. So sorry. What a nice guy. You ever been in a bar fight? Do me this favor, and I truly mean this. Never, ever, ever in a bar fight a man in his mid-30s or older, ever. Because you're in a bar to meet girls. He's in a bar because he's angry. Shit didn't work out the way he thought it was gonna. So when you find yourself on the floor of a bar, getting your face rocked, like, ****, this guy's got a lot of rage. Oh yes he does. And he ain't punching you. He's punching a 401k, retirement, college tuition, divorce. He's taking prescription pills with a side effect of explosive diarrhea. That's a dangerous line of walk every day of your life. He's punching you. I'm not good enough to be Amazon Prime. Nothing to do with you. Nothing. Well, these are some honest to goodness, true absolute lessons I wanna instill upon my children. I wanna tell them, live by the golden rule. Treat others as you'd wanna be treated. There is no joke there. I tell them, always tell the truth. Be honest. Lies fester. They beget lies. You gotta keep track of the web of lies. It's never worth it. Tell the truth. Be honest. Unless it's the beginning of a relationship. The first two months in any relationship, you're allowed to lie. And I'll tell you why, okay? My wife and I recently, we're going to Las Vegas. There's a young couple at the gate all over each other. So you know it's not gonna work out. The guy gets up, he goes, baby, baby, I gotta get my shoes shined. So I'll be back in a few minutes, but it will be a few minutes. She goes, it's okay. And he walks away. He goes, oh shoot, you know something? I'm gonna get a sandwich too to eat. So shoeshine, sandwich, I'll be back. Text me if you want some meat too, okay? She goes, great. He walks away, oh gosh, I'm so sorry. Gotta get a magazine to read on my plane too. So shoeshine, sandwich, magazine, text me. I'll get it. It's gonna be a few. She goes, it's fine. I go, he's gotta take a shit. Why do I have to take a shit? Will you shut up? I'm like, he's gotta take a shit. Did you say you gotta take a shit, dude? But you can't say I've gotta take a shit five weeks into a fresh relationship. You can't be honest. You can't tell the truth. You can't be that guy that's like, baby, baby, baby. We did it up last night. Jaeger, Patron, Fireball, back to Jaeger. Then all those Stellas and Blue Moons. Then you took me to Denny's. I got those spicy buffalo tenders, a French onion soup, a flapjack, three sausage links, and five orange juices. I gotta tell ya, I got a time bomb brewing in this tum-tum right now, okay? So what daddy's gotta do, I gotta Macarena over that restroom and rock a deuce. Because if I get 30,000 up on that bird, whatever I do on the back of that bird, it could be considered an act of terrorism. I gotta tell you, you guys really get behind a good shit joke. I tell my kids, don't go through life being 100% prejudice, okay? You can be 25% prejudice. And I'll tell everybody in this room right now, I am prejudice, okay? I'm not gonna sugarcoat and pretend I'm not. I'm prejudice. And it's not racial, not racial at all. I'll give you an example, okay? If I drive in the left lane of a highway and you ride my ass in the left lane of that highway, my actions are now gonna become dependent upon your make and model. I will prejudge you. If you ride my ass in the left lane of a highway in a Honda Civic, a Honda Civic, you can go **** yourself in your Honda Civic. You have not worked hard enough in life for me to be an inconvenience to you in a goddamn Civic. Oh, now you're in a hurry to get shit done? Now you got priorities? No, no, no, no, no. What average event do you have to get to in an average car that quickly in a Civic? Stay in line, asshole, no one's missing you. You ride my ass in the left lane of a highway in a minivan? You shouldn't be in the left lane of a highway in a minivan. You have children in that minivan. And if you don't have children, you shouldn't have bought a minivan, you pervert. You ride my ass in the left lane of a highway in a Toyota Prius? Well, shouldn't you be on a bicycle? You ride my ass in the left lane of a highway in a Porsche, Lamborghini, Jaguar, Ferrari. Respect. Let me get out of your way so you can keep doing some cool shit, my friend. Probably in a rush to get to an orgy, go **** them all for me, you're my hero. You never use condoms. You ride my ass in the left lane of a highway in a Kia? A Kia? I am dousing you with windshield wiper fluid. I am pulling that bitch back and I'm hosing you. I'm watching you in the rear view going, is it raining out? No, I hate you. You bought a car because of a hip hop dancing hamster, you moron. You ride my ass in the left lane of a highway in a pickup truck? I'm getting the **** off the freeway because I am not waking up hogtied in a wheat field next to Ken. Fuck that. As my kids get older, I wanna tell them, have faith, don't have faith. That is entirely up to you as you get older. I grew up with faith, I still have faith, I believe. It's a good way to go through life, being held accountable by your actions by a higher power. If I could break it down to a microcosm, sneeze next to somebody of faith. It's reassuring. Achoo, God bless you. They're saying, hey, don't get sick on us. Selfishly, what they're saying is, please don't start a plague. But I'll take that any day over sneezing next to an atheist. Achoo, no one can help you. Wanna tell my kids, be accepting of everybody. You know, I think everybody has the right to do whatever it is that makes them happy. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and the reason I think this is because he's of the mindset you can become gay, I'm of the mindset you are born gay. And we went back and forth and we had this little debate and then he brought up this rumor that back in the day, Mick Jagger banged David Bowie or vice versa, depending who you're a bigger fan of. Like whoever's behind, it's up to you. He goes, I totally get it. Mick Jagger's touring the world. He's banging 10s after decades. And eventually he's like, I'm tired of hot chicks. I'm gonna **** a hot dude. I was like, I don't get that at all. I'll tell you this, I love eating pizza. I could eat pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner seven days a week, 365 days a year. And I don't believe on day 366, I pick up a slice of pizza, go, I cannot eat one more slice of pizza. It's time to **** dudes. This has disappeared. It's back. Sit the **** down. I wanna tell my kids something my father told me when I was very young. My father grew up in New York City. He was surrounded by everybody, friends with everybody. Still is to this day. And I always remember this. He says, Steve, you never judge the people as a whole. You always judge the individual. That's how you go through life. That is how you make friends. And I'll tell my kids the same thing. And I'm gonna tell them this. Look, this is just an example, guys. Unexample, okay? I'm gonna tell them, you can't hate all Jewish people. That's awful. Of course you can hate a Jewish person if you have a bad experience with that individual. But it's absolutely unfair to hate all of Wall Street, the banking industry, the courting industry, television, film, Hollywood itself, doctors, lawyers, essential legal system, the Federal Reserve and a sports commissioner, mass media, any landlord or property owner, Southern Connecticut, Northern Jersey, Upper East Side or West Side of New York City, the whole state of Florida. You can't hate all that. And sometimes I do that to people. People are like, oh, he's anti-Semitic. He hates Jews. No, I don't. They have a good sense of humor. And look, I love Jews. I work with Jews. My manager's Jewish, my agent's Jewish, my publisher's Jewish, my lawyer's Jewish. You get it. Now, this is the second to last lesson I wanna impart upon my kids. I wanna tell them, have a bartender's ear. And that means you listen more than you talk about yourself. Hopefully, that'll get you some great friends. Hopefully, that'll get you this friend because I believe this is the best friend you can have when you're growing up. Not only that, I believe this is the greatest human being in our country. I'll tell you who it is right now. Fat white girls. And I know this PC climate we live in where everybody's a victim and somebody in this room right now is going, oh, he's being mean. He's being cruel. No, I'm not. I'm being celebratory. I'm going on the books on record and letting everybody in this room know right now, I love them fat, I love them white, and you best believe I love them girls. Fat white girls are awesome. Fat white girls are the forefront of civil rights. Whatever fat white girls do, it takes the rest of the country a few years to catch up to them. Which sounds ironic. I'll give you that. Let's all be honest. Honest with each other. 20 years ago, 20 years ago, nobody's ******* black guys. 20 years ago, nobody's ******* black guys publicly. But 20 years ago, who's parading around downtown without a care in the world ******* a black guy? A fat white girl. Flash forward to today. Who's ******* black guys? Everybody's ******* black guys. Well, thank you, fat white girls. 10 years ago, you're a little gay boy. You want your tongue pierced at Claire's. Well, you can't go with the football team. Who's going to take your little gay ass to the mall? I guess your first friend from junior high school. Fat white girl. Flash forward to today. Who's got a gay friend? Everybody loves the gays. Well, thank you, fat white girls. Fat white girls, great work. But you have a new mission, and it starts this evening effective immediately. Start ******* Asian guys. Turn around so they can see. That's an Asian. If I told everybody in this room, shut your eyes and imagine an Asian, that is literally what you would picture. Okay. Now, after this show, you get yourself to Elaine Bryant. Or Torrid. Beat it. All right, let's switch gears here and change the subject, and I will save the last lesson for last. Let me tell you something. At my age, eating McDonald's is a much different experience than when I was younger. By the way, anytime I bring a McDonald's, people are like, oh, McDonald's is gross. McDonald's is disgusting. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you go to hell. McDonald's is America, okay? McDonald's is my childhood. I am Pavlov's dog to McDonald's. People are like, you know the nuggets, it's pink slime. Well, you know I'll dip it in barbecue sauce next. McDonald's, you've got a long way to go to disgust me before I stop coming to you. McDonald's Quebec. And now, we defry cat shit. Put it in a box, give me a toy, we got a deal. I love McDonald's. And McDonald's, at my age, is the closest I'll come to cheating on my wife. It is the same three emotions, desire, pleasure, guilt, all within 12 minutes. I'll be driving, minding my own business, right, I see those arches. Oh, shit. Ooh, you look good. I want you, I want you so bad. I want you inside of me. But I'm being good, I'm being good. Go home, go home to your family. Go home to your family now. Don't ruin this, do not. You deserve it. You deserve this. You work hard, you should treat yourself. You're a big boy, big boys treat themselves. They're honking, it's green. The hell with, this is the right call. You're gonna feel so much better. This is the, absolutely not, I'm going in, **** it. Go in, I pop open that door, the waft of grease hits you, welcome home. Peppery burger, salty fries, sugary soft drink, give me a sundae, douse it in peanuts, and give me an apple pie. Oh, ****, I'm loving it. 12 minutes later, I'm in my car by myself, pinching my side fat. You fat ****, you fat piece of shit. You keep eating like this, you're gonna fit in your wife's pants. She ain't here, she ain't here. Don't tweet that shit out. Don't let her know I do that, no. I want to tell you all, I actually ran that joke by my wife, because I love her, I will not make a fool out of her publicly, and I watch a lot of Dateline. I'm not waking up at three in the morning with her shoving her shorts in my mouth like, is it funny now, you ************? This is the actual conversation I had with her, okay? I go, look, I gotta run a joke by you and see if you're okay with it. She goes, okay, tell me the joke. I tell her the joke, I go, what do you think? She goes, well. I was like, do you like driving the Lexus? She goes, tell the goddamn joke, Steve. I'll tell you this, it took me four decades on this planet to realize what a woman means when she says, I have nothing to wear tonight. I can never relate to that, I have nothing to wear tonight. You know, my wife, she'll walk into her closet, her closet, not ours, not mine, I get a dresser. She walks into her closet, now, now, now, now, now, I got nothing, I've got nothing to wear tonight. Yeah, me either, because my Gucci, it's on the bottom drawer and it won't open because it's from Ikea.