Carmen Christopher: Live from the Windy City | Full Special

From Nashville, Tennessee, give it up for Johnny W. How we doing, Kentucky? You guys good? Man, it's so good to be here. I'm excited. We're out here. We're breathing on each other. Fantastic. I'm doing it. It's so great. I love being a comedian. Only one hang up. I have one little pet peeve about being a comedian. There's always somebody that sees me on the poster. Always one person at every show comes up. They can't help themselves. Hey, you comedian. I'm like, yeah, I'm the comedian. They're like, tell me a joke. I'm like, give me a dollar. I don't appreciate. We don't do that with anybody else. We're not like, oh, you're a chef. Bake me a cake right now. Bake it. Oh, you're a pharmacist. Sell me some drugs. Sell me drugs. Oh, you play for Louisville. Sell me some drugs. Sell me. We don't do that. A lot of people gained weight during the pandemic. Did I lose weight during the pandemic? No. But did I use that time to make myself more emotional? Also no. No, I did. Actually, the last couple of years, I've lost about 60 pounds. I'm pretty proud of that. 60 pounds. I'm doing good. Working on it. Still wearing the dark colors and untucking. You don't know what's under here. Shut up. It's no good. It's hard. It's hard, man. And I joined a gym. We joined a gym. Well, we joined Planet Fitness. It's not really a gym. Anybody Planet Fitness people? It's a weird place. They sign you up. They're all excited. It's $9.95 a month. I don't know what I expected. But it wasn't that bad. They walk in. First thing they say, they're not pitching the gym. They're going, hey, just so you know, every Monday is Bagel Monday. Every Friday, we got free pizza. And I look at the check-in station, they got a big bowl of Tootsie Rolls. I'm like, this ain't a gym, okay? This is a Golden Corral with free weights. That's what you have. But I think it's cool, man. And here's the thing. These churches, I know the churches, it's so hard being in church. And these pastors had it hard. That first five months of the pandemic, wasn't it weird? Was your pastor preaching to like an empty room and a camera? Like a hostage video that first five months? Like reading a list of demands, please don't cancel your auto-draft. It's weird. And like, if I come out here as a comedy with my dumb jokes and y'all don't laugh, like that's information I need. That means I need to get better at my job, okay? That's feedback we need. And your pastor needs it too, okay? Five months of preaching to empty rooms, these guys were getting cocky. And you know I'm right. But the thing I did was I started plugging in, I miss so many Sundays. All of us comics backstage talking, but we miss so many Sundays usually during like a regular year because doing comedy on Sundays. But then the pandemic hit, there's no work. So we started plugging into our churches. I started working y'all in the nursery at my church. Anybody ever work in the nursery at your church? Y'all, you got to do it. It's the best because these babies cannot rat you out if it all goes wrong. You come back after church, I hand you a crying baby. It's like, look, maybe I dropped him. Maybe he's a brat. Like you don't get, you don't get to judge me. This is the Lord's house, okay? And we're a sticker church. Y'all putting stickers on the kids yet here? It's a weird thing. We're tagging these kids like they're in the wild. Like it's a nature study. Sprinkle out some goldfish crackers and track their movements. It's weird. And my pastor had explained to me, Johnny, it's a security thing. It's got the kid's name on the sticker, a little code at the bottom and the parent gets a piece of paper with that same code. They come back after church, you know, to claim their child like it's a coat check or a raffle. Wonderful. And parents lose that piece of paper at my church. Y'all ever have that happen to you? I don't know what your policy is, but I don't put up with that mess in my nursery. You come back without that paper. I'm like, I'm sorry. We're keeping him, okay? He works for Jesus now. All right. You knew the risks. They're like, you know me. That's my son. I just dropped him off. I'm like, sir, look, without the receipt, okay? The best I can do is store credit. Then I'll let him pick out a child of equal or lesser value. We give out so many redheads, y'all. It's unbelievable. And I think I hurt some people's feelings. I'm kidding. Gingers don't have feelings. Um, we... Hey, I hope you're enjoying the comedy so far, because honestly, I don't really get it. I guess to each their own, though. You know, one of the main problems that comedians have is haters. These people are jealous of your success, and they sit behind keyboards and just seethe with rage. And one day, I hope to be a big enough deal that I'll have my own haters. People have been mostly supportive in my career, and it's kind of a bummer, because it means that I'm nowhere near famous enough. Yeah. People say, oh, the fame and the money would change you, and you don't want that. Listen, I'd like to find that out for myself. Thank you very much. But how can we help, Johnny, you might ask? Well, imaginary person, I'm so glad you asked. You can like, follow, and subscribe to my YouTube channel, and then I'll be well on my way to a gigantic following that will be briefly fulfilling, but ultimately unsatisfying. I can hardly wait. Back to the show. It's fun, though, man. Here's the thing, we were talking backstage about it, too, all the comedians, because we said yes to a lot of stuff that we normally would have said no to, because there's no work. The country shut down. So that phone rings, we're like, I'm there, let's go. I did a homeschool convention, y'all, 1,000 homeschool families in Florida, because they didn't think COVID was real. They were like, what COVID? Come on down. You know, so I was like, all right, let's go. My agent got me the job. He goes, I told him that you were homeschooled your last two years of high school, which that's true. And I said, well, how did you even know? He goes, I'm your agent. I know this stuff. And he, like, negotiated me to get the job, because I had the advantage over the other comics, because I'm one of them or whatever. And I was like, yeah, but I was homeschooled in, like, the 90s. That's not like today, like, one out of five families homeschools now. This was, like, the 90s. It was, like, shut-ins and burn victims and my family. That was it. That was the community. So I don't know what I have in common with today's homeschooler, but I took the work. The lady was so excited. Y'all, we're so excited, 1,000 homeschool families. They love you. They're going, listen, you're one of us. You got to write some homeschool jokes. These people love to be teased. And I was like, lady, I'm on it. And they do not love it. They don't love it. I came running out with my homeschool jokes. It was all I could do to get out of there alive. Y'all want to hear the joke that upset them? We got to learn to laugh at ourselves, y'all. I came running out. I was like, guys, what is the difference between 1,000 homeschoolers and my dogs? And they were like, what? And I said, my dogs are vaccinated. These homeschoolers will bite you. They will bite you. But it was cool, man. I am a married person. Just passed 26 years of marriage. Very proud of that. 26 years for me. And yeah. I'm telling you, man. I used to, listen, a lot of comics get on stage and make fun of their spouse. That's not my style. My wife's the best thing that ever happened to me other than Jesus. She's the best. And I learned during the pandemic. She puts up with a lot. Turns out I'm a snorer. Anybody married to a snorer? Y'all, OK, a couple of guys raised their hands. She's like a freight train. Pray for us. My snorers. I woke up that day and my wife was in the next room. I was like, are we that couple? The separate rooms people? I thought we had a few more years. She's like, it's so loud. I was like, do I have the apnea? People are dying from that sleep apnea. Do I have that? She goes, I don't know what that is. I said, do I stop breathing in the middle of the night? She said, no, I wish. That's hateful. Even worse than the snoring, y'all. I have what's called night terrors. You know what night terrors is? Who has that? You're just seeing stuff standing at the foot of your bed. Is it a dream? Is it real? You don't know. I'm punching and strangling and it's my wife. That's a bad look. And some of you ladies do this. My wife does this. She hangs her outfit on the door for the next day. You girls need to stop doing this. You're scaring people. I wake up. It's like shirt, skirt, shoes in the shape of a person. Get out of here. I said, what are you? She said, stop it. I said, what are you doing? You're scaring me. She's like, listen, dummy. There's nothing on top. I said, which one is scarier to you? Okay. A stranger in my room at night or a stranger in my room at night with no head wearing my wife's clothes. She started taking this stuff at night now to sleep called Zequil. Have you seen this? Zequil liquid from the makers of NyQuil. Because what? NyQuil isn't already 80 proof. What are we doing Kentucky? Here's the commercial for Zequil if you've never seen it before. It goes like this. Hey, let's say you're not sick at all, but you just want to lay down for a long, long time. I was like, sweetie, call it what it is. All right. Booze and snooze. That's what it is. You teetotaler. Get out of here. I don't know. We just passed Valentine's day. That's a lot of pressure for us guys. 20. Who's been married longer than 20 years? Out in the crowd. Look at these hands, ladies. We don't know what to do anymore. Guys, back me up. We're out of ideas. That's why these jewelry companies can take advantage of us. You know, they start their ads. You know, I'm trying to just take advantage every, every year they want your thousand dollars for whatever new pendant to the new hot diamond pendant it is. Every kiss begins with manipulation. It's wrong. And these big companies sneak into your social media feeds. It's so insidious. Now they don't even, they know all your buying patterns. I saw this ad over Valentine's week. Maybe you saw the same one because they know people are looking for ideas for gifts. It said for $59 you can name a star after a loved one. Y'all see that name a star for $59. I was like, yeah. Or for $0. I can just tell her I did. You got a printer at the house. You can make up all kinds of certificates. Boom. Christmas is handled. That's what I'm saying. You see that one that says alpha Centauri. That one's Janet. Now I love you so much, but I am trying to get better with my dumb phone. The pandemic taught me that we need to be more present in our marriages, man. You know, like we're too addicted to our dumb devices. I was in the bathroom the other day doing my business. Suddenly I realized I ain't got my cell phone with me. Have y'all had that panic attack yet? I was like, what am I going to do now? I was grabbing any reading material, shampoo bottle, conditioner bottle, whatever. I was playing Tetris with the floor tiles. Then I grabbed the Q-tip box. Anybody ever read the Q-tip box? Don't do that. That'll shake you to your core. You read that box. You realize I've been cleaning my ears wrong for decades. Here's what it says on the Q-tip box. Huge print. Do not insert Q-tip into ear canal. Excuse me. Y'all, I've been cleaning my ears for 30 years. And by that I mean, I stick a Q-tip into my ear until I touch what I can only imagine is my brain. Then I twist it till I go cross-eyed and I pull it out and pray there's not blood. That's how I use a Q-tip where I grew up. I think some of y'all laughed at that. I can't hear very well. I don't know, man. It's a weird year though. Rental car. You can't find rental cars. That's a weird thing. We rent a hundred cars a year for my job. And now there's no rental. You show up, you're like, I've got a mid-sized reservation. They go, you're adorable. If only that were enough. There are no cars. And they hand you keys to whatever they've rooted around in a drawer. It's usually a minivan now. I didn't, I used to make fun of you soccer moms with your minivans. Not anymore. We rented a minivan last week. These things are awesome. They're like spaceships. DVD screens are popping down, buttons and readouts. I loved it. This thing had dual climate control. I didn't know what that was. Do y'all have that? It worked out great. My wife's always freezing. She's pumping the heat full blast on her side. I got to counteract her, you know, pump the AC. We made a funnel cloud. That thing. My dog got struck by lightning. It's horrible. I don't know, man. But it's weird. And people always think if you have this job, it means you're like an outgoing kid. It means you're like really outgoing and you're the class clown when you were a kid and you just develop into a comedian. I was a shy kid. I was painfully shy. I was a heavyset kid. Little chubby kid. I had asthma in middle school. Anybody have asthma here tonight? Hold your inhalers high. Okay. Didn't know we were clapping for asthma, but that's fine. But it is. Asthma's great though. Let me tell you why. Because middle school, my little doctor's note, that was my get out of gym free card. Boom. Hand that over. That's your copy. All right. I'm going to have a seat back here. Oh, we're climbing the big rope today. I don't think so. No. I will not be getting friction burns on my crotch. I'm going to have a seat wheezed to myself. That was middle school. Then high school came. That high school PE teacher wasn't having it. What is this? Asthma? I can cure asthma. I said, you can what? His cure for asthma, y'all, he made me run what's called suicides. You guys know what that is? It's like a horrifying series of wind sprints. They call it suicide. I don't know who named that, but let me tell you something. If you make a little fat kid run back and forth until he dies, that is homicide. That is not, they will prosecute you, pretty sure. Middle school's no good, man. Especially as a boy. You know, girls have it rough because, you know, you're always afraid of getting picked on by other girls and people tell rumors about you. Boys have it rough too. And here's why. Because you don't know anything about anything, but you have to pretend that you're a big man and you know everything. Like when it comes to things about your body or sex or anything, we don't know anything. We're hoping that one kid in health class will ask the question that we want to know the answer to. Right. These are health class heroes. That's what they are. They fall on the grenade for the whole class. So you can be like, what an idiot. He didn't know. Alrighty. Check. Good to know. For me, it was Chad Prophet. I'll never forget it. Sixth grade. We're in. We're in anatomy class. We're in health class. Going over the anatomy chart. Mr. Traywick. He's got his little pointer out. My teacher. He gets to the ovaries, you know, and Chad Prophet sheepishly raises his hand and he says, Mr. Traywick, where are my ovaries? Mr. Traywick said, son, you don't have ovaries. And a lot of us laughed, but some of us were like, what happened to Chad's ovaries? How does Mr. Traywick know about it? This is terrifying. I liked growing up though. I liked, I don't know. I was involved in my church. I liked growing up. It was all right. You know, I was an awkward kid though, man. And I didn't grow up around guns. People think if you're from the South, I'm from Tennessee. People think if you're from Tennessee or Kentucky, you're a big gun guy. You got a big militia, big safe full of guns. I didn't grow up that way. I'm not anti-gun. Have your guns. I don't have a gun. I have night terrors is what I have. Whatever you feel about the second amendment, we can at least agree. I don't need a gun. I'd just be taking out the coat rack 10 times a night. I get that. It puts me at a disadvantage not having a gun. You know, if there was an intruder, I'd be like, can't we just talk this out or sweetie, he wants you to go with him. Um, I miss you so much. Right. Uh, well I brought my guitar with me from Nashville, so I thought I'd play a little music for you. A lot of people in Nashville have a guitar and a dream and it's not working out. And so, and I'm no different. I got married very young in life. Anybody else married young? Uh, I was nine. My wife was six. Anybody top that? Tennessee's different. No, I was 21. My wife had just turned 19. That's an energy, right? There's like a, it's like a fear of the unknown. Right. But it's also like an adventure spirit takes over. We're going to live on love. It's us against the world. It's super dumb. And so this is a song I wrote dedicated to those of you who got married young. Like I did. It's a song I wrote about living on love. Baby, we got all we need to survive cause we got each other and we're doing just fine. So take my hand and walk through the night cause we got enough to last the rest of our lives as long as we die by Tuesday. Anyway, congratulations and good luck. Um, the weird thing about COVID was I'd hear songs, you know, when you break up with somebody like a young age, you break up and then you hear like love songs and it feels like they're just singing right to you. It just hits you right in the feels, man. It does. You know, it is the end of the road and I can't let go. It hits you, you know, but now COVID did it to me because I hear a song. It's an old song, but it sounds like it could have been written during the pandemic. You know what I mean? You're like this. I know this is 10 years old, but this is a total COVID song. It happened to me on the way here today. I was listening to the radio and I heard this song. Maybe you remember it. It goes, if I lay here, if I just lay here, can I just lay here? That guy's lazy. That's a lazy guy. I like country songs. I got into country music late in life. I like 1970s. 1970s is the best decade for country. We know that, right? You had Merle and Hank, Waylon, you know, these were ugly people. Ugly people write better country music. You know, you need pain in your life to, you know, write a country song. Think about your ugliest friend. I got that. They got the best stories. You know, I'm right. They do. You need pain. You need pain, you know? Merle Haggard looked like he walked five miles on his face, you guys. Keith Urban, he's talented, but look at him. He's too pretty. What pain has Keith Urban experienced? Okay. Did he burn himself with his hair straightener? No. And new country radio is just like cliches strung together over a beat. They call it country. It ain't. You turn on new country radio on your way home tonight. You hear a song like this. She never heard the word impossible. She ain't familiar with regrets. She don't know what to do. She's stupid. That's offensive. I'll leave you this. I was a very random kid. A lot of random thoughts still have in my life. Random thoughts come into my head. I was always the question kid. I'd have the dumbest questions and I was smart at like I'd get in trouble. It still does. My marriage. Y'all pray for my marriage. I feel like my wife sets me up though. We're at Hampton Inn. Okay. We're staying at Hampton Inn a week ago and we're doing that. You know, they, this COVID, they, it gives them an excuse not to make the real breakfast anymore. They're like, come on down for breakfast. Whatever that is. And you come down and it's these watery eggs. You know what I'm talking about? The powdered eggs that are all like running and you're like, we're eating that because we're trying to make our flight. And my wife just looks at me across the table and she goes, how do they, how do they even make powdered eggs? And what I should have said was nothing. What I did say was, sweetie, when two powdered chickens love each other very much, we didn't speak the rest of the day, but it's worth it. But I do have random thoughts that come into my head and they have no place in, in my show or society. And so I thought I'd put them together with music and, uh, in my show with that. And so you guys have been awesome and thanks for having me. I want to host a game show where redneck contestants answer trivia questions for cash and prizes and wrong answers cost them their hair. It's called mullet over. I'm from Tennessee. We're always the worst in allergies. Number one rank in allergies in Tennessee. Here's how bad it is in Tennessee. I just read this. We've got people in Tennessee now buying meth to turn it back into Sudafed. I don't speak Latin per se. Just those two words. I think when somebody uses the phrase, that's not really my cup of tea because I realized I've just poisoned the wrong person. If you're illiterate, you probably live your life by a set of unwritten rules. My mom used to always say a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. It was true of everything except suppositories. I call that joke sweet and low. I'm Johnny W. God bless you guys. Thanks for having me.