Peter Crouch’s Funniest Football Stories

I'd always been quite reserved with my car choices, even though I was doing okay financially, but I thought, right, I was playing for Liverpool, I was playing for England, I thought, you know, I can make the step up now. I'm worthy. I bought an Aston Martin and I think I was only on like three or four days driving it. And I was a little bit embarrassed anyway, I didn't feel comfortable in it at all. So I was a little bit uncomfortable. And it was just when I was driving through Cheshire, I pulled up at some lights and it's obviously where Roy Keane lives. I pulled up alongside him and he looked at me like I was something that was on the bottom of his shoe. And it was, I was so embarrassed. And I think I had the shades on, I was listening to a bit of garage music blaring, thinking I was the man and he firmly let me know that I wasn't the man. And as he sped off, I looked at myself in the mirror and I sold the car that week and I took about a 20 grand hit on it. I think it was 2006, just before the World Cup. I think I'd scored 10 goals for England in a calendar year. And I was just like everything, every time I put an order on an England shirt, I felt like I was going to score. And mentally, I literally, even if I come on 15 minutes I'll get a chance. And I just know I'm going to score. And I was going through, I was top goal scorer at Liverpool that year and got 17 for Liverpool. And I just felt like, I think it culminated in almost just before we went to the World Cup, I played against Jamaica and I scored a hat-trick against Jamaica. And I've been doing things like, I was trying to do a Panenka at the Stretford end, right, for England. I'm thinking number one, I should be taking pens for England, right? So I'm bullying people off, like I think Michael Owen was on the pitch and you know, I don't think Rooney was, but Stevie Lamps, I was like, I'm having it, like, give me that. When I look back on it now, I'm like, who the f**k I think I am? Yeah, but isn't it amazing what confidence, that's confidence in your own ability. Yeah, and just like that, I remember, I pulled this ball down and I was like, f**k off. Yeah, not only did I take that, I'm taking this pen, I panenka it over the bar. I just, I was totally confident to the point where I just got the skill a little bit wrong. Like, the keeper went and it was on, but I just got it over the bar. And then I was, then I clicked back in and thought, hold on a minute, you're going, you're getting above your station here. And it kind of hit me. In other words, you lost your a**. I was on two goals, so I went for the hat-trick, that's what it was. Then I think to myself, right, I clicked back in, it's almost like you're sober up, you're going, I'm that confident, I've gone too far. And I thought, what the f**k. And then thankfully I got another chance and it cut back to me and I finished it. Because otherwise I would never have had a hat-trick for England. I've got the ball in my office now. And I'm thinking to myself, I'll always be thinking about, I had an opportunity to score a hat-trick for England and I didn't get it. So thankfully I got another goal, but I did the robot twice before that. And then the third one, I was like, no robot. I've got a quote from Guardiola. In 2006, Guardiola wrote a series of columns during the Germany World Cup, the contents of which provided a fascinating insight into his footballing mind. One of the most intriguing involves him gushing over his favourite striker from the tournament, whose name might come as a surprise, Pierre Crouch. This is the quote. Wade Rooney is perhaps more decisive and beautiful to watch, he starts, but what's certain is that Crouch conditions you more. With Crouch, you have to play to Crouch's game and playing to Crouch's game gives you a lot. He knows what he's doing, both with his head and his feet. One of the best virtues is his link-up play. He isn't just there for crosses into the box, he knows how to keep the play flowing. He gets the ball a thousand times in the air and always keeps it. It's simple, it seems simple, but very few strikers can and know how to do it. There are strikers who don't link-up with others and there are strikers that think their game is different to others, but then you'll have a stretched team. England has Crouch. It's incredible. If Messi and Iniesta came to the Britannia at that time, I reckon we could have turned them over, because we made it horrendous for teams. I remember seeing, we trained in the pitch before we played Arsenal, just to cut it all up so they couldn't play. The grass was grown longer and I remember looking at Aaron Ramsey and he couldn't see his boot. He was like, Crouch hit it. I went, that's just what we do here. It was brilliant. Tony said he felt like we were getting ahead of ourselves and this is one of the best lines I've ever heard in football. He said, don't get ahead of yourselves lads, you're bang average players in a fantastic system. The chart was Only Fools and Horses, after my resemblance to Rodney. It went along the lines of, God bless Peter Crouch, long live Peter Crouch, say magnifique Peter Crouch. No income tax, no VAT, 60 grand, transfer fee, black or white, rich or poor, Peter Crouch is going to score. That is a belter isn't it, that is a belter. God bless Peter Crouch.