4 Parents Share Their Best Parenting Advice (Compilation Episode)

The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. The one, the only, Jay Shetty. Studies show that a child's emotional intelligence and resilience is strongly shaped by their parents' approach to discipline and communication. But with so much parenting advice out there, it can be hard to know what really works. We're judged in many roles in our lives, but it seems we're judged the most in our roles as parents. There's no handbook to parenting yet. We're expected to never make any mistakes. Parenting is fulfilling, but challenging. Every stage comes with new lessons. Today's guests bring different perspectives. Psychologists, experienced parents, and public figures balancing family with busy careers. Let's start with one of the biggest parenting struggles, discipline. Discipline is about teaching, not punishing. It's so important that we know how to set boundaries in a way that builds confidence, not fear. It's important that we create a safe, supportive environment where kids can learn from mistakes. Dr. Aliza Pressman will be talking about how discipline is about teaching, not punishing. I feel like discipline is so controversial, but I think of it as all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. So if I had to sum it up, and I think we do think of discipline as punishment versus teaching, and it's teaching because it actually influences your growth and development. It's not just for my entertainment. Then your kids trust you a little bit more and the relationship is stronger. But I think the key with discipline is not being afraid of how our kids react to it and having the strength of purpose and belief that if they do have a negative reaction to it, we can love them all the way through it, but we're not going to change our minds about it. Because that's where it gets messy is that if we're talking all about how important the relationship is, and then you have this limit that you set, like, this is my expectation of you, and your child doesn't like it. This simply like, I take the phone away at night or the iPad or whatever, and your child is freaking out about it. Then you go, well, now I've messed with the relationship. And so I guess I should, they're crying and I need to like, get back in there. So, okay, I'll give you more time or whatever it is. And that's where we get confused. I think if parents really understood that feelings aren't dangerous, that kids aren't going to say thank you for the boundaries and limits that we set and that we set them with the intention of physical and emotional safety about not just them, but other people. Like, we're not just raising kids in a vacuum. They have to move through the world and think about community and other humans. And so what's comfortable for them might not be thoughtful to other people. And so it's that balance between be there for yourself, but also not to the extent that you can't, that you're entitled and don't respect that there are other people in the world. I mean, there's three kind of parenting styles outside of neglectful, which is not, that's a whole other thing, but there's like the permissive, which is best friend parenting. And it is so sensitive and they do like you, and you can play as many video games as you want. And all that's great, except for you have no, nobody's steering the ship. And so it actually can lead to anxiety and depression and a sense that you are too responsible for things. And the other side of it is authoritarian, where it's fear-based and it just rules. And it's just because I said so, but without the like, I know you really love doing this and I wouldn't stop you from doing it if I didn't know that it was better for your brain or whatever. So that's the middle path of like authoritative where you're sensitive, but you stick with your limits and boundaries because you know that that's going to benefit your kids. Even when you have limits and rules, you want your kids to know as you're describing your mom, that they have you. So if you do mess up, you can still go to them instead of being terrified. And so that's this weird thing where it's like, here are my expectations. Also, I want to name the fact that you're going to blow it sometimes and I want to be the person you come to. And that's something to say, not when they're struggling. And I think part of the reason why it's hard to get kids to open up is because we try to get in there when they're in the center of the struggle, instead of like building the vocabulary and connection outside of it. So you have the conversations and you give the language when nobody's in the heat of the moment. So that when the heat of the moment comes, they already know that they can come to you. And you can just say to them, I can tell something's going on. I'm here whenever or if ever. And then just leave space. A lot of times doing something with a kid who's not opening up, like going for a drive even, so that you're not looking at each other. And I can't think of any sport right now because I'm not super sporty, but like playing, I'm like, what is it called when one does a game with someone? Pickleball. So you go play pickleball. You're playing pickleball. It's going to come up, but you want to just like put little tiny moments where you say, I'm askable, I'm tellable, and I'm not going to say anything. And one of the things that helps is that when your kids do tell you something, you say, thank you for telling me before you have any other reaction. That may be your only reaction. And then you give them a little space and then you say, is there anything I can do? With younger kids, you want to be, this is going to sound ridiculous if you don't think about animals this way, but I do. So tell me if it resonates. But you kind of want to be a dog. You're wagging your tail when you're excited to see them. You're always there and you're like really enthusiastic and they need that. But then as they get older, imagine your 11 to 25 year old self, you need to be a cat. So you're there, you're always around. You're touching their feet. You're not overly on top of them. But if they're interested, they can come to you. But you're not going anywhere. So it's like, it's this safe thing where you're there for them, but it's not so intense. And then they have the opportunity to open up a little bit. And when they do, you don't pounce like a dog. You stay a cat who's welcoming the information, but not saying, oh my God. Because you don't want your kids to think, you can't handle my truth. So you're not the person to tell. Yeah, and I feel that's the hardest time to be the cat because you're scared about them getting involved in the worst stuff, whether it's drugs or addiction to social media or getting involved in the wrong circles. That's the age at which it's going to happen. Yeah, it's terrifying. So then they're getting a driver's license. They can drink now. As they get older, it's almost like those are the times where you want to be more hands-on. That's why I say you're physically present. I think toddlers and teenagers need you more present than anybody. But we think teenagers are like off on their own and whatever, but you're home. Like if they're going to a party, you're home to greet them and look into their eyes. So you don't need to ask if they've been drinking because you will know when you hug them and look in their eyes and you can have a conversation in a different kind of way than if you're sort of like, I'm out, you're out, you're older, take an Uber, don't drive drunk, I'll see you tomorrow. So I think your presence is important. But the sense that you're like kind of all over them verbally, you have to pull back a little bit. And it's terrifying. But if you've cultivated the relationship and you've set the expectations about substances and social media and whatever, it's easier. But when something's really bothering them, what they need is to know that they don't have to explain it and they can just come to you and be sad. Attachment relationships are dynamic. So you aren't just like, it used to be, we used to think like you have a baby, you develop the secure attachment, it's like a bond and that's it. But we know now it's dynamic. And so if you have a five-year-old or a 16-year-old or a 35-year-old, you can still grow that healthy attachment relationship. So you can change. Our job is not to fix, it's to be there. And that's what secure attachment is. Even in your adult relationships, it's like, who can sit with me through all of these experiences, through these feelings? Because the idea of being happy isn't really about always being happy. It's about knowing you can come back from whatever it is that you're going through and you will be happy again. And if our kids experience the range of things that come their way, and they know that they have someone sort of sitting by their side, they end up in this relationship that is securely attached. And it's not like one and done. And if it didn't, that's the thing that I think is the trickiest, is feeling like I'm responsible for my child's constant happiness. I have to feel ashamed if I wasn't there for every moment or if I couldn't fix that feeling, which you can't, as you know. And I think sometimes people feel like they're maybe better or worse at different stages. And so there's this assumption that we're going to kind of know what to do. The idea that you do come home from the hospital and you're just like, okay, I guess. I just feel like in adulthood, this happens all the time. I remember just the first time I was in my 20s and I had my own apartment and I was like, wait, I can just decide what I'm doing. I can open a bottle of wine. There were things that I still was like, it's bizarre. And now that I'm the last person in charge of whatever and there's nobody that I'm supposed to ask and I can make a decision, I'm still kind of like, is that okay? And so the idea that you're just in charge of raising a whole human being or more is really daunting. And we all kind of think everybody else knows. We don't know. The next clip is from Dr. Daniel Amen, who talks about the importance of presence and emotional connection. He talks about this special time technique, which is the importance of 20 minutes a day of uninterrupted physical time with children plus active listening. He talks about the need to set firm, loving boundaries with consistent follow-through. And small intentional actions that make a big difference in connection. If you want to have influence with your children, if you want them to seriously consider your values, you have to be connected with them. What does that take? Time, like actual physical time where you're not on your phone, but you put the phone away and you spend 20 minutes a day with a child. So there's an exercise I talk about in the book that I love so much that, you know, all the things I've recommended to my patients over the last 45 years, when I decided to be a psychiatrist 45 years ago, special time, it's magic. And 20 minutes a day, do something with your child, child wants to do, that's reasonable, you can do in 20 minutes. So it's like not take me to Nordstrom's. And during that time, no commands, no questions, no directions. It's just time to be together. And it's money in the relational bank. And I remember when I first figured this out, my literary agent had a child later in life, we were talking on the phone and he's like, my daughter, Laura, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And she's two. And he said, that's like a girl thing, right? A mother daughter thing. They don't want anything. I'm like, no, Carl, you're ignoring her. What, what do you mean I'm ignoring? I'm like, you're ignoring her, do this. And he said, that won't work. I'm like, oh, great. You represent an idiot, my own literary agent won't do what I say, do it. In fact, I'm going to put you in my schedule for three weeks. I'm going to call you, get the party started. And so three weeks go by, I call him up, Carl, Daniel, she won't leave me alone. As soon as I walk in the door, she grabs my leg and wants her time. All she wants to do is be with me. I'm like, that's a problem. That's what we want, right? That's what we're after. So actual physical time. And now parents are so busy. They're not spending this one-on-one alone time listening. So that's the second part of it. So time, actual physical time and shut up. I mean, it's so important. You love them so much. You want to pour all of your knowledge, all of your wisdom that you worked your whole life on and download it into their head. Don't do that. Listen to them. And therapists learn this technique called the act of listening. That whenever someone says something, you don't interrupt and tell them how to think. You repeat it back. And you listen for the feelings behind the words. So if my son came home and said, dad, I want to have blue hair. I don't know what your father would have said, but I know what mine would have said. I know, as long as you live in this house, you can have blue hair. But what does that do? It just stops the conversation or it starts a fight. Active listening teaches you, repeat back what you hear. Oh, you want to have blue hair and then be quiet long enough for them to like explain what's really going on. And he might say, all the kids are wearing their hair blue. Now I've been to a school. I know not everybody's blue headed. And if I would have said that to my dad, I don't know what your dad would have said. I don't care what anybody else is doing. As long as you live in this house, you're not going to have blue hair. If they're going to jump off a bridge, are you going with them? Yes, that one for sure. I've heard that plenty of times. And what does it do? Stops the conversation or it starts a fight. Sounds like you want to be like the other kids. Completely different conversation. But that's, and he might say, dad, you know, sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. Now my mother would have said, what do you mean you don't fit in? Of course you fit in. You're a good boy. You're a good looking boy. You're a nice boy. And that's not helpful either. What's just helpful is, so sometimes you feel like you don't fit in. And then give it a breath. So they're the ones solving their problem. Now, at the end of a half an hour, he says, I still want to have blue hair. I'm going to tell him no going to hell as long as you live in my house because it's not cool to look weird. I mean, if you look weird, you're going to hang out with weird people, right? It's okay to have boundaries. Around behavior. Some parents, they have like no boundaries. And I think some boundaries are appropriate. What does loving discipline look like? Because I think it's, it sounds good. Like we were all like, yeah, I would love to be disciplined, but I'd love to be loving. And often we don't even figure out what that means in the workplace, let alone with kids. We're either loving or disciplined, but we're not. I think it should be both. What does it look like? Well, you know, we haven't gotten to rules. I think families should have them. Society has rules. Like tell the truth. Do what mom and dad say the first time. I love that rule. Because you know, your chance of abusing the child, if you tell a child to do something five times, your chance of abusing that child just went up significantly. And so if you have the expectation, they'll do things the first time. It's like, Caitlin, take, you know, I want you to take out the trash, like in the next half hour. And if she doesn't, it's like, sweeter, you have a choice. You can take it out now or you can have this consequence and then you can take it out. I don't care. It's up to you. And I love that part of not being attached to it. I love her. I'm really clear. And she's getting that consequence if she doesn't move. You stop threatening them and then not following through because you teach them that you have to tell them and get angry and be a bit crazy in order for them to do what you ask them to do. And I like the rules and rhythms and routines. I remember in my home, after dinner, me and my sister would clean up and we had a little rotor of who washed up that day and who cleaned the table that day. And it was just something that went around every day. We'd take it in turns. My sister was four years younger than me and we'd just do it together. And it became this thing that we just did and it became natural. It became a habit and it made us accountable and responsible to each other as well, as well as our parents. And it was a really neat way of kind of giving us that rules. And I think sometimes we think of rules as strict rules and guidelines, but actually it can be just a rhythm and a routine. And it's building competence and skill. And you're part of the family rather than you're entitled to live in that family. Yeah, yeah. And the earlier you start, the better it is for kids. I mean, it's hard. If you not spend any time with children by the time they're 14, their friends are more important than you are. And that's the heartbreaking thing I've learned is if you're not spending time with them, their friends will take your place. And they may not have the advice. They may not have the right ear for you. And it makes them more vulnerable to all the scary stuff that's on social media. You're about to hear from Kim Kardashian. And this is really about parenting in the public eye. Now, you may not have a life in the public eye, but you may wonder what other parents think about you. You may feel judged about what family members think about how you parent. And we all feel like we live in this bubble of people's constant opinions, expectations, and obligations of what a good parent should look like. In this segment, you'll hear about how Kim balances career, fame, and raising grounded kids. She talks a lot about overcoming mom guilt and being present with their kids, even with a busy schedule and a busy work life. I think this is something a lot of you may be able to relate to and connect with. She also talks about the importance of open communication in navigating tough conversations. And she talks about how she creates a sense of normalcy despite being in the public eye and having such a big brand. Mom guilt is probably the hardest thing. I think that you have to also separate though and understand that you need your own bit of sanity. So you have to do what makes you happy. You have to, if working for me, I love working. So that makes me happy. Anytime I think something's really hard, I dive into work and, or if there's challenges, like I love to dive into my work. And that's like a bit of my therapy and my routine to keep me going. But I think, you know, I have chats with my girlfriends when our kids are having tantrums and there could be things going on that we don't even know about. And you feel like you're the worst mom if something's going on and you can't fix it. You have no idea how to change it. Your kids are fighting, whatever it is. And my friends and I will text each other and be like in tears, literally locking ourselves in the room, like away from a kid having a tantrum when that's not what you should do. You should go and lean into them. But sometimes it's so overwhelming. That was probably the only time I'd be hard on myself is am I a good mom? I try to do everything. And I think how to balance work with that is when you're home being really present. Kids, all they want is time. They just want your time. You can give them all these amazing big experiences and they'll remember them and they're great, but they'll always remember you being present. And I think that's just the most important thing in all of your relationships. Think about what a kid wants. A kid just wants your time. So why wouldn't everyone else? You have to kind of treat everyone like that if you want these like meaningful relationships in your life and you have to be present. And it's okay to feel like you are not 100% at being the best mom. I say this all the time. There's no manual. They do not come with a manual. Everyone's doing the best that they can. And I just feel so lucky that I have a good group of girlfriends and all of our kids are experiencing different things from, I mean, imagine all the things that they, a divorce, everything that they have to go through. We're okay. They will be okay. And they will feel the love and support and that's all you can do. It'll be okay. I'll talk to my kids about anything they want to ask me about. I am so open and honest with my kids. I think that's the only way to be. And it could be things that they might not understand and I'll wait to find the appropriate time to talk about it. I think they grew up seeing the cameras and they grew up seeing that even as babies, we'd walk out and there'd be paparazzi. So it's not really something that they acknowledge a lot, but my daughter's really vocal. She'll tell them when she doesn't want them around and to leave her alone and to stop. And I love that they use their little voices, but they also have such a normal life and such a different life away from all of that too. And that's why I love that my sisters and I all had babies at the same time so they can be with each other and have these experiences together. What's the biggest lesson you learned from your mom that you're trying to pass on to the kids? I think just how she makes people feel. Really heard and welcomed. She really is the most warm, welcoming person. And it's just like her overall, it seems superficial, but it's not. Like her party planning skills, it's not even that. It's just the welcomingness of, I don't even know if these are words I'm saying. Just her ability to be so warm and to make everyone feel like they were invited here. I'm going to create this special Easter dinner with the things on the table that she had when we were growing up at my dad's house. She just has all this really special, nostalgic stuff around all the time and always tries to make everyone feel so special, but with a gathering so that everyone feels comfortable and can hang around. She just loves people in her space and loves to create these memories. And I think that we all got that from her and we will all, if I can just pass that onto my kids, just the experiences that we have as a family, whether we're just sitting in our pajamas and hanging out, we make the time to be together. And I hope that my kids want to make the time to be together when they grow up with their cousins and their aunts and just the whole family. I'm sure they will. Yeah, I think they will too. Yeah, I think you've managed to hold onto it in your entire generation. And so they see that. I think kids mirror so much of what they see around them. And I remember when I met my wife, her grandma is her favorite human on the planet. And it's really interesting how when someone you love, you know who their favorite human is. Yeah. You automatically start loving them. Yeah. And I wasn't really close to my grandparents, but I'm closer to Riley's grandma than I am to my own grandparents because you see your love for the person that you love. And so I think when your kids see the love that you have for your sisters and your cousins and your aunts and uncles and parents. Now, if only all my kids can love their siblings, that would be amazing. They're in a fighting phase. Yeah. And you guys went through that phase, I'm sure. We went through it too, yeah. Oh my God. It's still going on. Yeah, it's still going on. Never ending. That's never going to stop. This next segment is from Jessica Alba, where she talks about motherhood and personal growth. A big part of what she shares is how motherhood reshaped her career and priorities. Maybe you've just started a new job. Maybe you started a new side hustle. Maybe you just had your first child and everything's changing. Or maybe your kids just left the home. All of these transitions impact the way we work, live and think. It affects our relationship with our spouse, our partner, whoever that may be. And it impacts our relationship with our work. In this segment, Jessica Alba talks about how she teaches her kids resilience, self-worth and using success for good. She also talks about how she's trying and been able to find balance between her personal ambitions and family life. I think this is such an important thing that we're all trying to juggle and it will really resonate with you. You know, I think because it was such a struggle and so hard for my parents. They were young when they had me and every day was a very, it was a very kind of tumultuous environment just because they were in survival mode every day, struggling to get by. And they also didn't have necessarily the maturity or the tools to have context, like this podcast, right? There wasn't this podcast. My parents were, you know, young. We live now in a culture where so many, so much of the stuff that just wasn't sort of serving humanity has been broken down. And there's this generation that's sort of thinking through, like, I guess sort of like, yes, we built these civilizations based off of like necessity. A lot of these things that are power and ego driven, right? But now we're in a place where it's more about compassion, mindfulness, right? Openness. And that's how we're going to thrive and, you know, continue to thrive as a human race. And so I think, you know, for my kids, I try to exemplify whatever that is. And at the same time, you know, they are very aware of my faults, right? They're very aware that I, you know, get stressed and I, you know, get irritable and I don't sleep enough and all of those things. But, you know, we have a dialogue about it. And, you know, I try to create a space of compassion, obviously for them, but also, you know, just for them to sort of like know that I'm trying. I think I just wanted peace and I wanted security and I wanted a sense of financial security to me meant that you could then have peace and not be so stressed out. I also knew that like my parents in a lot of ways were just sort of like products of certain systems when you have to support a family. How can you sort of like get ahead? And they were learning as they were going, you know, sort of like flying the plane and fixing it at the same time. It wasn't until I became a parent, I think that I had, I really understood how difficult it was for them. Just being so young and not necessarily having the tools and not having, you know, they're a setup, right? To thrive. I felt like I had a purpose. I didn't know what it was. It came from very simple, humble family. What I've done in my life and what I've achieved was in no way, shape or form given to me, handed to me. I mean, I think if anything, there was nothing but blocks and challenges and walls and reasons why I shouldn't dream or even have the audacity to think that I could become anything. Every stage of every piece of my life, I feel like I'm always looking to be better and do better. So when I actually got the opportunity to be an actress and I started working on a regular basis, I prayed a lot, you know, whether it's God or spirit or whatever it is that people pray to. I felt like if I could just channel, like, I want to do good. I know I'm here to do good. I'm not sure what that end goal is, but I promise that if I get any breakthrough, I will do good with my success. And I always attributed success with being able to do good. And then when I became a mom, you know, that really my sense of self and I would say my insecurities as a person over silly things kept me, I think, from fully realizing my potential before I became a mom. But when I became a mom, those insecurities sort of went away. I hope you took away a lot of practical, emotional advice and insight from this episode. And here are some of my takeaways. Parenting isn't about being perfect. It's about being present and growing together. I think when we have that pressure of perfection, we actually sometimes act out in negative ways, even towards children. That pressure of perfection becomes why we're angry. Really, we're angry at ourselves, but we're taking it out on that child. That stress that we carry of wanting to be perfect parents and be perfect all the time makes us act in ways that we don't love afterwards and we might regret. Whether it's setting boundaries, building strong connections, or balancing life, today's insights show we're not alone in this journey. Every single person who's a parent is struggling with what we've talked about today. It doesn't matter how many resources you have. It doesn't matter what access you have. Everyone is going through an up and down. And I think we can also relate to that through having been kids in our lives. If you think back to being a child, I'm sure your parents had ups and downs. I'm sure they had days, weeks, months, and years that were challenging. It's natural for you to do that as well. Sometimes we're trying so hard not to be our parents that we end up repeating the same mistakes. I hope that this episode resonated with you. I hope you'll share it with a parent who needs to hear it. I hope you'll listen to it with your friends who are parents as well, so you can find a space to be vulnerable, open, and connect more deeply. Thank you so much for listening. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Amen on how to change your life by changing your brain. If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and over a hundred murderers and their brains are very damaged.