Detaching from Outcoming Creates Healthy Desire

In this video I want to talk about why it's okay to want things, why it's okay to admit to yourself that there are certain things in your life that you really really do want and they could be superficial things, they could be vanity projects, it could be anything, you could want more money, you might want to look better physically, you might want to have more friends, be more popular right and why it's okay to want those things. The main reason is with trauma and a lot of our lived experiences in life, if it isn't trauma it's a complex trauma that's a slow burn over a long period of time and even in our adult lives we experience so many disappointments and so many setbacks usually and those disappointments are usually unprocessed, we don't really deal with them really, they just sit there as disappointments and it can be death and what this leads to ultimately is well I have needs, I have desires and what I'm going to have to do to live with all this disappointment and pain is I'm going to have to shut it off, I'm going to turn it off and the problem is they're still there, the needs are certainly still there and the desires are usually still there so we either have the option of repressing it completely or admitting to ourselves that they're there and why it's important is because desire is a fundamental aspect of what it means to be a human being, it's one of the two most fundamental things that make us human. The other one is our vulnerability, those are the two ways I would describe a human being, very vulnerable and full of desire and needs and that's the way it is, that's nothing wrong with that, that's the way it should be. So we have all these needs and desires and then we because of all the disappointments in our lives we decide well better off, they're a liability for me actually now because they're too painful to live with. So often when we talk about focusing on what it is that you want in your life, people will say well look isn't that seeking outside myself for external validation or finding my salvation in something external to myself and isn't that dangerous, isn't that counterproductive to what it is that I'm trying to do which is to reconnect with myself and to heal. Well if it stokes desire it can be helpful, it can be very helpful because even if it's the desire, even if what your goal is in life isn't a big car or you know a lot of money or a good relationship, to connect with yourself and to put in the work that's involved well you have to want it, you have to desire it. So very often some of those and there's nothing wrong with any of those desires of wanting a nice car or a big house or whatever it is or more money but it's nurturing and saying to yourself it's okay to want things and then maybe eventually it's okay to want to connect with yourself if you really have that desire. So what we do is we were able to look out into the external world and say yeah that's something that I really want, that's what I want in my life and we focus on it instead of as I mentioned in another video focusing on avoiding problems which is what the nervous system just does, it finds danger in our environment all the time. We focus, focus more on what it is that we really want. Now what we also do is we try to allow ourselves to just admit that that's what I want, be honest with ourselves about it and then sort of like just step back in terms of not necessarily needing to know every single detail in terms of how it might happen because that's going to shut down the desire more. We can certainly look at any blocks that we might see and work on those and work on removing those but we we get out of the way and the other thing that we do is we try to be honest about what it is that we really want and also be non-attached to the outcome. Okay so we can practice both of those things being honest about what it is that we really want and then letting go of a strict clinging to an outcome around it. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. In order for you to desire something you don't need to be rigidly stuck to needing the outcome. Those are not the same things. You can at the same time want something, desire something deeply and let the outcome go. You can actually do both of those things. In the mindset that we're trying to cultivate here those two things are actually part of the one unified mindset. They actually complement each other. The old mindset, the one that isn't as helpful is one where you totally repress the needs and as you're repressing them you're totally attached to the outcome anyway which doesn't work right so it's the worst of both worlds. So in terms of letting go of attachments we look at we can question well is this thing really I do want it it's okay for me to want it is this thing going to be the best thing that's ever happened to me maybe not maybe it won't be and we can question that and we can work with that that helps will not getting this thing be a disaster for me we can question that too maybe it's not going to be a disaster if I don't get it but just because you're letting go of those attachments to the outcomes doesn't mean it's going to change how you feel about it you're still going to want to go after it more than likely so we're trying to go after things with an energy of playfulness an energy of carefreeness it allows the energy within us to open up and be channeled into the things in life that we really want and we really care about another thing I would add is that when we are going after what it is we want one of the values that we hold is a sense of ease and not being overwhelmed with things so I have a bit of an issue with anything that says that goal over there that external thing that you're trying to get and you do know that you want it's so important that you should really push yourself and have terrible boundaries not take care of yourself and do anything it takes in order to get it to happen my feeling on it is definitely tap into what it is you want focus on it a lot take the action as it comes as it presents itself to you what the there should always be a little thing in the back of your mind reminding you no goal is more important than me okay there's the there's the goal and there's a person doing the goal if the goal is more important than you the goal is doing you you're not doing the goal okay so no goal that you do in life is more important than you so absolutely it's okay to want whatever you want I think it's the healthiest thing you can do anything that starts to open up desire within us is a healthy thing of course trauma and things like that can make that a challenging experience because you know when we're kids we have huge amounts of desire on tap and it gets repressed gets shut down it becomes it's often shamed or you'll be made to feel like it's problematic and people will then often at times steer you away from what you really wanted to what they want you to do that's another problem so and there'll be a lot of conflict around that but when we're doing this inner work what we're looking for is actually just being honest about what it is that we really want and it doesn't matter what it is whether it's spiritual enlightenment whether it's self-actualization whatever word you want to or whether it's a big car or it's a better relationship or better body or better money more money doesn't matter what it is as long as it seems to be doing something in your solar plexus here right where you're starting to feel things move more and that's something you can trust in your life right that's important that's not a trivial thing to want something so celebrate the fact that you want things in your life hope that's a useful video i'm david you can contact me the link is in the description below and share this video with anyone you think might benefit from it and like the video and subscribe to the channel too if you enjoy this content take care of yourself talk soon bye