How your genuine desires and needs get distorted beyond recognition

some people would say that we don't need anything you may have heard that in in sort of uh maybe spiritual contexts or spiritual circles talking about um that we're already complete and we're already whole right which is a little confusing isn't it I mean do I need anything do I need this connection stuff do I need this sense of in of authenticity and connection it's a bit confusing so one of the things I like to share here before I ask you guys the next question is one of the things I work a lot with is a text called course of Miracles and for me course of Miracles kind of nails a lot of this stuff but I'm going to give you guys a quote here from the course of Miracles and it's talking about this question of needs but what it is we need do we need anything and if so maybe what is it but here's the first quote I'd like to tell you guys you see the way it works in a course Miracles it kind of works on levels so you could say that we do we do have no needs we have no needs at all because we're complete and in a different level we our needs are seen and recognized which is confusing but I'm hoping that today's talk might maybe untangle some of that confusion so here's the first quote from the course it says you have no needs being wholly worthy of everything that's pretty definitive right you have no needs being holy worthy of everything another quote regarding needs is that the only real need you have is for the truth in you so it's kind of saying well we do it's kind of talking about this the the the state of Oneness the complete state of Oneness in that state of mind there are no needs but when we seem to lose that that connection that state of of Oneness that's when needs enter into the equation so at that point it recognizes well well okay you do have a need but the real need that you have is for the truth within you the truth in you another quote here says the only need that could be perceived by the separate and we we are having the sort of sense of being separated right the only need that could be perceived by the separated is the need for healing and I think somebody mentioned that I think it may have been um I'm not sure who mentioned it there a moment ago but somebody said about integration the only need that could be perceived by the separated is the need for healing the need is not real but it is a reflection of your true need to be whole we have a desire to be whole again and as long as we believe we separated that will be the need that we have the need for wholeness now the last one here I think is more useful it says the Holy Spirit and if you're not familiar with of course of Miracles it doesn't matter the holy spirit is basically your inner sense of guidance your inner intuition your higher your higher Consciousness which is very intelligent but that the Holy Spirit it says will supply every need as long as you believe you have needs so it's a little bit confusing right holy spirit will supply every need you have as long as you believe you have them so it's it's not being it's not being coldhearted about it it's not being dogmatic about it it's again it's recognizing that there are levels to this in the state of complete Oneness there are no needs but we find ourselves not being in that state of being right we find ourselves with needs and primarily it would say that the main one we have is the need for uh to integrate to heal completely to get back to that sense of Oneness so a lot of great answers there about what it is we think we need in life to be happy fully and here's another question okay maybe this is a little bit more fun but the next question is I want you guys to think about this just in this the same way we did the last one what are the what are some of the things we think we need but we do not really need in our lives so anyone watching this or anyone here right now I want you to sit with that think of your whole life maybe there were things you needed in the past that you've come to believe well actually I'm not sure about that if you want to use the chat you can use the chat to answer that question you can type it in what are some of the things and think of egoic Consciousness what are the things that the ego implores us to go out there and get and from its perspective it's essentially important for us to get if nothing's coming to mind don't worry I'm going to give a few suggestions J says Comfort yes comfort comfort you could say safety ego is is very very preoccupied with comfort and safety absolutely so just think about that what is it that maybe personally I find myself looking for big one there from Helen it says social approval I think that's a really important one social approval I I do give some Credence to the idea that the need for social approval is somewhat hardwired into us because we are social social creatures someone else to love us absolutely Lori we're looking for love and we're going to talk about that a little later and the need for approval because those are two very very important ones that you've identified there as well as a need for comfort so the ego does have a whole list of needs right that we seem to have and it's not only about healing it's not about integration doesn't seem to be about wholeness I guess the search for love is what its version of wholeness is I'll find someone out there to complete me that's why um of course the course of Miracle says that the the special you know romantic relationship that we look for in our lives is the sort of the Holy Grail for the uh the ego it's the the the central piece of it it's the thing everybody thinks that they need most of all and it's the hardest it's the thing we become most attached to in life none of this is to say that there's anything wrong with any of these things of course at all it's just a matter of what mindset am I in who am I doing it with is the question am I doing it from a higher Consciousness or or am I doing it from from egoa Consciousness so those are great answers so I'm going to give you guys a few more here to think about right before I do that another line from a course of Miracles it talks about these false needs and it's pretty direct about it it's one of the parts of of course Miracles that's incredibly direct so it's it's trying to tell us that you know the real need we have is for healing and for integration to really know ourselves to really know who we are is what we were looking for and and that sounds a little bit out there and I'm going to clarify that later but in terms of these false needs that we think we need well here it is it says in this world you believe you are sustained by everything but God slash the truth slash knowing who you are okay you believe you're sustained by everything but that which is really direct it says your faith is placed in the most trivial and insane symbols pills money protective in quots clothing influence Prestige being liked knowing the right people people and an endless list of forms of nothingness that you endow with magical powers what does it mean by magical powers it means that when we go out into the world to seek to to meet these needs that it's describing we're looking for it to an external thing to change so that the inner condition changes and so that's what it ca it basically it's saying the cause and effect is is is upside down there with that approach really the only way the change can happen is internally but we're using this sort of magical approach where I if I change the outside circumstances I'll feel better internally and a big problem with that actually funly enough is that sometimes it works sometimes the external thing does change to the way I would like it to change and then that reinforces that the solution for my happiness isn't about wholeness or integration or healing or joining it's about something outside of myself it also describes the body so because we're all very identified with our bodies right I am this person called David and I have a name and I have an age and I have a nationality and all sorts of things but it says the body puts things on itself that it has bought with little metal discs or paper strips the world Pro proclaims as valuable and real it's talking about money so let me just check the chat again maybe somebody mentioned that one already it's very possible because that was a big one okay if you maybe you were thinking that yourself right one of the things I'm convinced I need is more more more money to be happy again there's nothing wrong with having money but if we think it's going to get us to happiness that's the the root issue so just to finish that quotation it says it puts things on itself that is bought with little metal discs or paper strips the world proclaims as valuable and real it works to get them doing senseless things and tosses them away for senseless things it does not need and does not even want so one thing you can't say about course of miracle that is is that it's a nice book it's pretty direct okay it's pretty it's pretty out there and it's really to be honest it's not a book about manifesting things okay now we are going to talk about how to get needs met here today absolutely we are but it's never going to be about changing the external events or changing things about other people or even changing and fixing ourselves that's never what it's going to be about here if we're going to follow the sort of the principles that are outlined in this so I'm going to give you guys um a list here maybe this will be useful I hope it is but this is like a list of false needs as I would see them so so I think it has already been mentioned but the first false need that we have here and it's the first one on the list for a reason it's the need for approval and validation from other people and raise your hand if you've ever had that one the need for approval and validation from other people Anthony we talked a little bit about Anthony Dello I think last week with I think Jersey mentioned Anthony Dello but one thing I really like about Anthony Dello he he said uh this analogy it's like when we're little kids we the problems start when we're children and we get this we get injected with a drug effectively and that drug is called approval right you get a pat on the back you know ruffle your hair good boy that was great and then we're like addicted to it from then on so we certainly con see that within ourselves quite often is this need for approval and validation from other people the next one is interesting it's the need for specialness the need to be special the need to be special let me just check the chat here real quick no worry Liz no worries specialness be means basically the ego has a strong need for this thing called specialist what does that mean it means uniqueness now from its perspective it doesn't care in what way you're unique you could be uniquely the best of the best but from the ego's for the ego's purposes it's just as happy if you're the worst of the worst as long as you're uniquely the worst right so it's not just I'm something's wrong with me I'm I'm uniquely solely the worst and isn't that true often when we're in that depression and we're comparing ourselves to other people or something it's like nobody I know is like this nobody is like this nobody is as bad as me no one is as miserable and horrible a person as I am so we get C seeking the specialness the the special love it would call and then eventually when we are seeking through that we'll find it doesn't work and we end up usually back and that special special hate is what it calls uh the term it uses so those are that's another one there the need for specialness another one the ego loves is the need for control control and why is it that the need is so preoccupied I think someone mentioned that already the need for control it's preoccupied with it because in innately the ego knows that it doesn't have control so it's preoccupied with it needing to control everything needing to plan needing to map out the future take into account every detail be be able to see around the next corner see what's coming predict the future which of course it can so it becomes more and more preoccupied with it and the more and more we feed into it the more and more more we find ourselves trying to control things but of course the more we try to control ultimately we end up feeling controlled so it's another one of those fake needs the need for control now I it sounds like I'm taking away options from you here at the moment I'm going to give you Alternatives here because these are we're talking about these levels we're assuming here that we're not already in this state of Oneness like I mean I'm not enlightened at the moment right I don't think I am I certain have needs so what we're going to do a little later is we're just describing what these false fake needs are first and then we're going to really get into assuming we do have needs what are they what is a much healthier way to think about this rather than control and validation from other people etc etc so we have the need for control mentioned already the next one is the need for material wealth and possessions it's often seen as a path to safety for again because the ego inly feels threatened all the time because really ultimately it's not actually real so there are no saber two tigers anymore and a lot of us aren't worried about saber two tigers are anxious about it but we are worried about wealth our houses our mortgages all these things our jobs so the eagle will convince us that those things are very very important now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them at all it's not about that and I'll explain that in a moment but that's certainly a need that we we find ourselves being preoccupied with the fifth one here there's 10 of these the need to be right I got to be right about that I am right about that I'm going to defend that they can't get away with that I'm right about it and we're told that you have an option around that you can either be right or you can be happy but you can't be both it's because really we're so attached to being right it's because of the shame associated with being wrong in our minds in this egoic mind it's it's uh to be wrong is to be bad so we're we we're very much attached to being right and if you've ever had a an argument with somebody chances are you were probably a little bit attached to being right about it I know I certainly have been in the past mentioned the next one already the need for romantic um completion so it's not just to be in a relationship it's to be completed through this other person that's the Crown Jewel as far as the ego is concerned the need to defend yourself that's another need the ego has you have to defend yourself someone said something about you the other day well I got to go and do stuff now to respond to that I got to protect myself my image or whatever it might be again because it feels inly threatened all the time the next one is apparently why I wanted us to just slow down at to start of this because I think we're all dealing with this one a little bit is this need for constant stimulation or distraction that we have that's because the ego doesn't want us to get still for even a moment it's actually terrified to Stillness you ever noticed that you have this intention to do a meditation practice or something and feels like pulling teeth sometimes there's a a really resistance inside is to do in that meditative practice or just getting still or just doing a breathing exercise or something the the ninth one here is the need to fix yourself so the ego will constantly see you as a fixer uper project it can not see you like that because if it does that's dangerously close to self-acceptance which it's incapable of doing so it'll always have some grievance some next thing you need to work on or tweak now the last one I left it at the end here for a reason and it's because I'm dangerously I'm flirting dangerously close here with sounding like someone who's going to tell you guys to um give away all your possessions and go and meditate on mountain top right and and forgo the world the last need the ego has is for us to be spiritual or holy so we're kind of snookered there aren't we that's a tricky one and that's that's probably one of the most ones we got to work on here first because the truth is if we if we believe we need more money or something going into denial about that need is the worst thing we could possibly do about it it's much better to be honest about look I do believe right now I'm in big trouble here and I need this this is the path of my salvation what you do is you bring that real problem to the higher self it will help you with it you'll get Guidance with it but if you have the need and you're repressing it because you think I shouldn't have any needs well then your higher self can't actually help you with that so it's not about being this holy person who is above everything um just check in the chat here okay so hopefully that makes some sense so far and those are sort of like false needs that we have so the main thing I wanted to talk about today is so we've said in the higher levels even you could think forget about spirituality think about yourself in the womb what needs did you have there that weren't being taken care of not many I mean you were kind of in a state of being without need everything that you needed and there are exceptions to that but is kind of met there isn't really a deep sense of need for the for the infant but as soon as we're born well what happens we come out screaming we don't come out with a smile on our face the needs are there the moment we're born basically and that need is if you want to write these down uh you can feel free to but these are if we have needs these needs that I'm going to describe from my perspective are the most valid and most the highest needs that we could describe I think because they're so in touch with our vulnerability as people first need which is valid in my perspective is the need for connection and atunement which it's already been talked about here people have mentioned it already connection and atunement so connection is basically it's a very physical thing like when we're small we need to be held we need to be touched that's kind of a it's a kind of an embodiment that takes place where you begin to feel safe enough in your own body you have a right to exist almost to take up space so that's a that's connection now all these needs I'm going to talk about here I'm going to talk in a moment about how they should be met and I'm going to talk about what it looks like when they're not met but the need for connection is fundamental and atunement then is okay I'm getting that connection I'm getting that physical connection achievement is almost someone around you as a child will be mind reading you will be zoned into you almost telepathically to be able to know what's going on inside you emotionally at least they're very interested in it they're zoned in on that they're curious about your inner world that's what achievement is so that's what we need primarily now there are three other things I'm going to describe that I think are very very valid next one is is for freedom and confidence freedom and confidence Freedom what does freedom mean Freedom means to be yourself to make your own decisions in life to a degree to be able to express yourself to go after what it is that you are interested in not to have other things imposed on you that's an essential need that we have by the way the the need for Connection in achievement and freedom and the next one uh confidence these are sort of coming more from the feminine side of our our psyche these are very very important things confidence is basically that we're not we're we're told that it's okay to go out and explore and try things the world is a safe place not that it's there are there are enough precautions that you need to take but too often we get don't do that it's too dangerous should get hurt stop right and instead of yeah that there's problems with that but let's figure out a way to make it safe that so you can go and explore because ultimately the world is a safe place for you to go and explore it so that's connection and achievement we have freedom to be yourself and this confidence to go out and explore your your life the next one is love and respect that is a valid need I think that's the highest form of need these needs I'm describing here are the highest form of needs love and respect love is deep genuine appreciation genuine appreciation not a syrupy faults or you're so special version deep appreciation and respect is all about how we are taught to hold boundaries to have our own boundaries we typically are taught that in childhood that's the idea so love and respect and the last one then is the need for meaning and wisdom meaning and wisdom so meaning is basically a sense of why are we here sorry yeah meaning why am I here and that can you know it can be metaphysically it can be spiritually it can be philosophically it can be in your own life even just having a sense of meaning and that wisdom part is that need to have some guidance on this journey a nuanced form of guidance not an ideological form of guidance so those are the four connection and achievement freedom and confidence love and respect meaning and wisdom and in our childhood the problems begin and I don't know many people that get through childhood who don't get one of those needs there's a problem very often there's a problem with one or more one if not all of those needs become problematic for us particularly the need for connection if that need for connection is what is a nuanced form of guidance well I'll tell you Helen what isn't um dogmatic rules strict adherence to um maybe some form of religion or something like that not that religion can be used if it's not used through the ego for good but it can be this rigidity or this structured rule based thing about Str a really rigid morality that's imposed on other people and that isn't that that masquerades as a guidance but there's no real genuine sort of wisdom in it there's it puts labels on people that's bad and that's good right but there's no real sense of a deeper insight into that sort of guidance for us right so that's you know many people don't get that when they're younger many people don't get the need for connection when you don't get the need for connection it could be possible that you don't get any of those needs they can work like a domino thing where if you don't get the essential needs met the the primary need for connection the others typically we we may run into problems with them too so it may be the case that none of those needs were met for us that's not uncommon at all to have happen but really what it'll boil down to is a big part of it is what's going on with the feminine and masculine energies you're around when you're a child are they at war with each other that's going to be a that's going to really be a big factor in determining how these needs are been met for you then later what'll happen is so you come out with maybe none of those needs being met and then you run into all sorts of social conditioning after that that's the next stage with these needs so you have the needs are not really been met and then you run into the social conditioning and you hear all sorts of things like pull yourself up by the bootstraps self-sacrifice is a noble thing to do no pain no gain go out there and make it happen none of which is good advice it's that's the the phase where we get into this conditioning how am I going to live with these unmet needs and we come up with all these strategies for doing so and they're misguided unfortunately so I'm going to give you guys the last thing I'm going to say here is we start off with those four needs those are the legitimate needs that we come with and I'm going to describe what happens we go down through these layers right and we eventually end up with a distorted version of those of each of those needs so the first one we talked about was the need for connection and Attunement Helen says one example of masculine and and feminine energies yes I'm happy to give you that feminine energy would be joy and gentleness that's typically missing when the lead need for connection isn't there and of course everybody like Freud blames the mom which is deeply unfair because the masculine energy is supposed to be generous generosity is an aspect of femin of masculine energy what what so if the The Joy isn't there or the um gentleness isn't there we will often look to the masculine part and we will find a lack of generosity or we'll find a controlling energy or we'll find a withholding energy it's not willing to give it's it's always withholding keeping things back which makes it hard for the feminine to be in joy and to be able to to have gentleness so in all relationships the way I see it it's not one or the other's fault the issue is the relationship if the masculine is out of balance the feminine will be out of balance and like and vice versa so those are the kind of energies now there are others I can talk about those another time maybe um I'm happy to do that if you guys are interested but the I want to describe though the those needs that we have the need for connection and achievement the need for freedom and confidence Etc the four I mentioned when we when we go through all that stuff in childhood and we go through all that social conditioning what is it that those needs end up becoming because we're not walking around consciously aware I have a need for connection I have a need for Freedom we're usually thinking that we need something a little different to that right so I'm going to give you those right now so the connection and ACH need when we go down to this lower level what that need be comes is the need for belonging and approval belonging and approval sort of a kind of a corrupted Twisted version of the original need but what you'll notice about these needs all these ones I'm going to describe here these um altered version of the original is that they all have something to do with something external being changed finding the right people or finding that person over there to acknowledge me or to like me that comes from a deeply unmet need for connection real connection and real atment that's where we find ourselves as adults looking for this sense of belonging and looking for the sense of approval from others here's a funny one if you didn't get freedom and confidence instill in you when you were younger that met with that need was met with hostility in those energies what will happen is it becomes a need and it's a very unconscious need for Rebellion that's what Freedom looks like when it gets a little bit altered to the point where no one's ever going to tell me what to do with my life ever again and then the problem with it though is that you're not actually making choices you're reacting to other people's use and the need for confidence which is completely valid need that we have you know what that becomes and this is this is the thing I wanted to share with you guys most of all today the genuine need that we have for confidence to go and do stuff to go and live our lives it becomes the need for certainty just sit with that for a moment well is that going to work I mean how do I know what it's going to work I have to I really got to be sure about that working before I do it and we think that that's a you know akin to confidence but it isn't it's this need for certainty and the truth is we can never have certainty we can't you'll never be able to find certainty because it's all about controlling the external circumstances but what we can have when we start this healing process of integration is we can have genuine self-confidence genuine self-confidence and belief in ourselves when we start to question a lot of this stuff that we learned and learn how to integrate both of those energies into ourselves the need for love and respect I mentioned well what does that become when we go down through all these layers of conflict and social conditioning love becomes the need for possessiveness this is a very much a seeking that takes place it's looking for love looking to get someone to love me looking for someone to be my partner to be my special person it's kind of an ownership Dynamic that we get into when the truth is that love love isn't like that love doesn't do that love isn't about ownership and of course the need for respect when it was love and respect so that becomes possessiveness and the need for status to be somebody to be recognized the need for meaning and wisdom well meaning becomes achievement so and that's very interesting and I've seen that a lot with people where it's like well I'm thinking about writing this book you know or I'm thinking about doing this project or creating this cool thing or starting a new company or what ever you want to do and it's like yeah but how will I know if it's even worthwhile doing it I mean unless it works you see that the issue with that it's like unless there's some end goal that's going to be maybe financially lucrative or whatever it will have no meaning for me because we're obsessed with the outcome of it and the truth about real meaning is you do it without any need for noal if something is genuinely meaningful for you it's it's inbi true desire and true interest and you're curious about it you just do it because you like doing it you find it meaningful and it may lead to outcomes that are good it may not but when we are in that ego Consciousness it's all about achievement unless it leads to something tangible that I can point my finger to it's of no use to me I have no interest in it whatsoever and the problem is it usually stops us from starting things and trying new things the need for wisdom I kind of alluded to earlier when get that gets a little bit warped it becomes the need for ideology rules principles of Life rules for life okay and you will find yourself in this egoic mindset thinking that you need to belong you need approval you need to be make sure no one ever pushes you around a need for certainty the need to go out and find love and to get status and Achieve things and follow these rules and find out what the rules should be and as long as we're in that mindset following going after those needs the genuine needs we have for connection and achievement freedom and confidence love and respect meaning and wisdom will never be mad so I personally I think that the roote to back to the original state of being is through Meeting those needs through integrating those needs actually getting those genuine needs needs mad [Music] [Applause]