Funny Football Stories Compilation #1

I remember a true story, Max. Honestly, I was in my bed one morning, three, four o'clock in the morning, and my wife says to me, she said, there's somebody downstairs. I said, what? She said, I'm telling you right now, she said, there's somebody downstairs. So I listened, and sure enough, I could hear somebody downstairs. Now, I don't know if you've ever had that happen in your house, three or four in the morning, but it's not pleasant. So I jumped up, and I got a three iron, I never forget it, I got a three iron. Now, I could never hit a three iron at the best of times. It's the wrong club I've picked up, clearly. I go downstairs, and I can hear noises coming from the kitchen. So you're faced with this prospect of a burglar, or whatever it may be, an intruder in the house. So I think, what am I going to do here? I'm just going to have to react to whatever happens. So anyway, I actually kick open the kitchen door, and what I'm faced with is, I recognise the back of Paul Gascoyne in my fridge. Now, this is half past three in the morning, he doesn't even turn round. And I say, Paul, what are you doing? He still doesn't turn round, and tells me, I'm making a sandwich. I said, you're what? He says, I'm making a sandwich. I said, it's half past three in the morning. He said, I know, he said, but I woke up. Now, remember, he lives in the next village. He said, I woke up, and I couldn't get back to sleep, and I'm hungry, and I didn't have any food in the fridge. So my next question, clearly, how did you get in? I said, how did you manage to get in? He said, ah, he says, I remember. He says, I remember about three or four weeks ago, he said, you were on the phone, he said, to your missus, and you told her you left the spare key next to the, in a wee bag underneath the oak tree. He said, I remembered that, and I just thought I'd come and use your key to go and make a sandwich. Honest to God. So I went back up the stairs, and my missus says, what's going on? I said, ah, you're all right. I said, it's only Paul making a sandwich. Colo Torre, a fantastic player. He was absolutely brilliant when he first came in. He was one of them sort of guys, always on edge, you know, chase everything. You can see the way he plays. Anyway, come into training one day, and what he used to do for trial is, he'd set up a game. So, you know, usually if it's a centre forward, he'd put Martin Keown on him, because he knows he's going to try and kick him, and whatever. And if he can handle that, he might be a decent player. But this one day there, Colo Torre, Martin Keown, so Colo Torre's first training session, against them was Thierry Henry and Dennis Bergkamp. I was playing on the right-hand side, and Arsene Wenger used to sit there, and he's more for forwards, really, and we used to do pattern play. So if I come inside, Henry would go outside, and vice versa. Perez would be on the left-hand side. So anyway, they rolled the ball into Thierry Henry. Colo Torre, from nowhere, smashed him right from behind. Two-footed tackle, terrible tackle. Seriously, could have been a red card in a normal game. Our best players on the floor, rolling around, Arsene Wenger, Colo, what are you doing? Don't tackle, don't tackle. So he wants him to stay in there. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Next minute, ball goes into Dennis Bergkamp, they've swapped now. Colo Torre, exactly the same, two-foot Dennis Bergkamp. We're thinking, oh my, this is unbelievable. Our two best players, how can we win the league if there were two best players by the try list that took them out? He must be working for someone else, anyway. So he goes, right, that's it, no more tackling. This is Arsene Wenger. So Colo, yes, yes, yes, sorry, sorry, sorry, boss, sorry, sorry. Anyway, next ball comes in, and the ball, he makes a great tackle, Colo Torre, he reads it, the ball's flicked up in the air, and Arsene Wenger, he should stand right in the middle, the midfield and the forwards, and he'll try and look at all the movement. The ball's gone up in the air, and Colo Torre, now he's got his eye on the ball, he's chasing the ball, and where did it land? Right at Arsene Wenger's spot, he's two-footed Arsene Wenger. Proper tackle, took him out, oh, all you heard was, oh! And it landed like that, oh my! This is unbelievable, the trial he took out Bergkamp, Henri, and Wenger on his trial. Now Wenger has had to limp off, he's gone back to the medical room, so Colo Torre goes, oh no, he's nearly crying, he can't believe it, it's his big day at Arsenal, and he's took out two of our best players, and the manager. So that afternoon, I always remember going into the medical room to see Gary Leung about something, Arsene Wenger's sitting there with a big ice pack on his ankle, and I felt sorry for Colo Torre, and I said, boss, I don't think he meant to kick you like that, and he went, what? I said, look at my ankle, and he had a big lump on his ankle. I went, well, he didn't mean it, boss, and he went, I know he didn't mean it, I like his desire, we sign him tomorrow, and that was it, he signed him, 500,000, because he liked his desire, he could get that out of him, he can change the way he played, just by his desire, kicking them two free players, and he ended up being an amazing player for Arsenal. I signed Jakubu, and he was playing in Israel, and he came over on trial, and the first day training, I think he scored about four goals in a practice match, so we ended up signing him, and we got promoted from the Championship, and now we're in the Premier League, so I said to the yak at the start of the season, I said, how many goals do you think you'll score this year? Premier goals, not Cup goals, just Premier. He said, 20. I said, 20 league goals? He went, I think so, Gaffer, yeah. I said, you get 20 league goals, I said, I will give you £20,000, me personally, I'll give you £20,000 if you get 20 goals. Anyway, the season goes on, he's going okay. Last game of the season, we played Middlesbrough at home, and we win 5-0. The yak has scored four goals, right? I don't. He comes in after the goal, hey, yak, you were fantastic today, I said, what a performance, great goals, yeah, but I should have scored the other goal. What goal? I said, don't worry about that, you got four goals, that was incredible, yeah. He said, but I had 19 goals, one more goal, I would have won your money. I went, oh my God, I didn't realise that, I said, I would have subbed you up well before the, I said, no way would you have stayed on the pitch, I would have had you off there straight away. Love it, you'd forgotten all about the bat. I didn't know he had 19, that put him on 19 goals. I would have subbed him straight away, Jim, there's no way he was going to have my £20,000 off me. When I got divorced, it was a really bad time for me, and he always helped you out, if you need a bit more time, or go and see your lawyer, I said, no boss, I want to train, I'll just get you out of my mind then, my divorce. And when it come out, broke in the papers that I'd lost, and my ex-wife was going to get 40% of my future income, he read the article, we always used to read the articles, so what we used to do in the mornings is go and get all your strappings done in the medical room, all the players would be in there, all having a bit of fun, a bit of a laughter, and Arsene Wenger always used to walk in, always. Did they have a whip round? No, they didn't have a whip round, and you getting a bit of stick then, you know, and you taking it, no problem, so you don't expect it from the manager, so the manager used to walk around, go around everyone, who's injured, how you getting on, how's it all going, yeah, no problem, so I'm sitting in the corner, I'm having a bit of fun, I'm mucking about, and he comes in, and he walks straight up to myself, in front of everyone, it's packed, and it all goes quiet, oh, Ray, I've just read the papers, you've had some bad news, you've just lost 40% of your future income, and in the paper, it says, she saved your career, so it all went quiet, and I don't know what he's going to say, I said, yes boss, bad news really, I can't believe it, he went, Ray, where's my 40%, I've saved your career, as well, and he walked off laughing, and that's the sort of guy he was, and all the players were cracking up, and you know, he was a very funny man. Right, and you're going to tell me, who passed my number around your school? Okay, yeah, I'm being told now, yeah, that Tony Adams' son. Tony Adams' son, who's Tony Adams? You know, he used to play for Arsenal. Shut up, you ******* dick. I'm being genuinely serious. Shut up, you ******* dick. Why? I'm being serious. Because he won't have my ******* number, who the **** has my number? No, no, no, I'm not saying, if your son goes to Millfield School, and he knows a kid called Henry, he also goes to Millfield School, and he's giving him your number. Right, and who's giving it him? And he's giving it to Ben Mekoff, who goes to our school. No, who's giving it out originally? I really don't know. Whereabouts is the school? Pardon? Whereabouts is your school? My school? Yeah. Bristol. Yeah. Right, I'll find out for you in the next hour, who passed the number to Tony Adams' ******* son. Alright? I'll try. No, you won't try, you'll do it, I'll show them to the police with the other ******* six. Well, I'll try my hardest, because if I can't then...