Three Men In A Boat - Chapter 4 - Classic Fiction Audiobook Read by Dr James Gill

good evening three men in a boat chapter four the food question objections to paraffin oil as an atmosphere advantages of cheese as a traveling companion a married woman deserts her home further provision for getting upset I pack customers of toothbrushes George and Harris pack all four behavior of Montmorency we retire to rest then we discuss the food question George said begin with breakfast George is so practical now for breakfast we shall want a frying pan Harris said it was indigestible but we merely urged him not to be an ass and George went on a teapot and a kettle and a methylated spirit stove no oil said George with a significant look Harris and I agreed we had once taken up an oil stove but never again it had been like living in an oil shop for a week it boozed I never saw such thing as a paraffin oil is to use we kept it in the Neuse of the boat and from there it is down onto the rudder impregnating the whole boat and everything on its way and it oozed over the river and saturated the scenery and spoiled the atmosphere sometimes a westerly oily wind blew and at other times and easterly oily wind blew and sometimes it blew and North only oily wind and maybe a suddenly utterly boiler wind but whether it came from the Arctic snows or was raised in the wastes of the desert sands it came alike to us laden with the fragrance of paraffin oil and at that oil used up and ruined the sunset and for the moonbeams they positively reeks of paraffin we tried to get away from a tomarlo we left the boat by the bridge and took a walk through the town to escape it but it followed us the town was full of oil we pass through the churchyard and it seemed as if people had been buried in oil the high streak stunk of oil we wondered how people could live in it and we walked miles upon miles out Birmingham way but it was no use the country was steeped in oil at the end of the trip we met together at midnight in a lonely field under a blasted oak and took an awful earth we'd been swearing for a whole week about the thing in an ordinary middle-class way but this was a swell affair an awful oath never to take paraffin oil with us on a boat again except of course in case of sickness therefore in the present instance we can find ourselves too methylated spirit even that is bad enough you get methylated pie and methylated cake but methylated spirit is more wholesome when taken into the system in large quantities than paraffin oil for other breakfast things George suggested eggs and bacon which were easy to cook cold meats tea bread and butter and jam for lunch he said we could have biscuits cold meat bread and butter and jam but no cheese cheese like oil makes too much of itself it wants the whole boat to itself it goes through the hamper and gives a cheesy flavour to everything else there you can't tell if you're eating apple pie or German sausage author robbers and cream it all seems cheese there's too much of an odor about cheese I remember a friend of mine buying a couple of cheeses at Liverpool splendid cheese's they were ripe and mellow and a 200-horsepower scent about them that had been warranted to carry three miles and knock a man over at 200 yards I was in Liverpool at the time and my friend said if I didn't mind he would get me to take them back with me to London as I should not be coming up for Dale so myself he did not think the cheese's ought to be kept much longer with pleasure dear boy with pleasure Arab I called for the cheese's and took them away in a cab it was a ramshackle affair dragged along by a knock kneed broken winded sonam realist which its owner in a moment of enthusiasm during conversation referred to as a horse I put the cheese's on the top and we started off at a shamble that would have done credit the swiftest steamroller ever built and all went merry as a funeral Bell until we turned the corner there the wind carried a whiff from the cheese's full on to our steed it woke him up and with a snort of terror he dashed off at 3 miles an hour the wind blew in his direction and before we reached the end of the street he was laying himself out at a rate of nearly four miles an hour leaving the cripples and stout old ladies simply nowhere it took two Porter's as well as the driver to hold him at the station and I do not think they would have done it even hadn't one of them not had the presence of mind to put a handkerchief over his nose and to light a bit of brown paper I took my ticket a march proudly up the platform with my cheese's and the people falling back respectfully on either side the Train was crowded and I had to get into a carriage where there are already seven other people one crusty old gentleman objected but I got in notwithstanding and putting my cheese's on the rack squeezed down with a pleasant smile and said it was a warm day a few moments passed and then a very old gentleman began to fidget very close in here he said quite oppressive said the man next to him and then they both began sniffing and at the third sniff they caught it right on the chest I'm Rosa without another word and went out and then a stout lady got up and said it was disgraceful that a respectable married woman should be hurried in this way gathered up a bag eight parcels and went the remaining four passengers sat for a while until a solemn looking man in the corner who from his dress and general appear seem to belong to the Undertaker class said it put him in the mind of a dead baby and the other three passengers tried to get out of the door at the same time and hurt themselves I smiled to the gentleman at the back and said I think we're going to have the carriage for ourselves he laughed pleasantly and said that some people made such a fuss over a little thing but even he grew strangely depressed after we'd started and so when we reach Crewe I asked him to come and have a drink he accepted and we forced our way into the buffet where we yelled and stamped and waved our umbrellas for quarter of an hour and then a young lady came and asked us if we wanted anything what's yours I said turning to my friend I'll have half a crown to earth the brandy neat if you please miss he responded and then off he quietly went after he drunk it and got into another carriage which I thought mean from Crewe I had to put compartment to myself and though and though the train crowded as we drew up to different stations the people say my empty carriage would rush for it hey our Maria come along plenty of room alright Tom we'll get in here they would shout and they would run along carrying heavy bags and fight round the door to get in first and one would open the door and mount the steps and stagger back into the arms of the man behind him they would all come and have a sniff and then droop off and squeeze into other carriages or pay the difference and go first from Houston I took the cheese's down to my friend's house when his wife came into the room she smelt a round for an instant and said what's that tell me the worst I said it's Jesus Tom bought them in Liverpool and asked them to be brought up with me and I added that I hope she would understand that they had nothing to do with me and she said she was sure of that but would speak to Tom about it when he came back my friend was detained in Liverpool longer than he expected and three days later he hadn't returned home his wife called on me what did Tom say about those cheese's I replied that he had directed they were to be kept in a moist place and that nobody was to touch them she said nobody's likely to touch them as he smelt them I thought he had and added he seemed greatly attached to them you think he would be upset she queried if I gave a man a sovereign to take them away and bury them I answered that I thought he would never smile again an idea struck her she said do you mind keeping them for me let me send them round to you madam I replied for myself I like the smell of cheese and the journey the other day with them from Liverpool I shall never look back upon as a happy ending to a pleasant day but in this world we must consider others the lady under whose roof I have the honour of residing is a widow and for all I know possibly an orphan too she has a strong and shall we say eloquent objection to being what she termed put upon the presence of your husband's cheese's in our house I would instinctively feel she would regard as put upon and it shall never be said that I put upon a widow and an orphan very well then she said my friend's wife rising all I have to say is I shall take the children and go to a hotel until those cheese's they're eaten I declined to live any longer in the same house as them she kept her word leaving the place in charge of the charwoman who when asked if she could smell them replied what's now and who when taken to the cheese's was told to sniffed hard she said she could barely detect a faint odor of melons it was argued from this that little injury could results the woman from the atmosphere and the shoe was left behind the hotel bill came to 15 guineas and my friend after reckoning everything up found the cheese's to cost him nearly eight and sixpence a pound he said he did Lee loved a bit of cheese but it was beyond his means so he determined to get rid of them he threw them in the canal but had to fish them out again as the bargeman complained they said it made them feel quite faint and after that he took them one dark night and left them in the Paris mortuary but the coroner discovered and made a fearful fuss he said it was a plot to drive him of his living by waking up the corpses my friend got rid of them at last by taking down to the seaside and burying them on the beach it gained the reputation of the place visitor said they had never noticed before how strong the air was and the weak chested and consumptive people used to throng there for years afterwards fond as I am of cheese therefore I told George that he was right in declining to take any we shan't want any tea said George Harris's face fell at this but we shall have a good round square slap at meal at 7:00 dinner tea and supper combined Harris grew more cheerful George suggested meat and fruit pies cold meat tomatoes fruit and green stuff food drink we took some wonderful sticky concoction of Harris's which you mix with water and called lemonade plenty of tea and a bottle of whisky in case as George said we got upset it seemed to me that George harped too much on about getting upset it seemed to me the wrong spirit to go about the trip in but gladly we took the whisky we didn't take beer or wine there are a mistake of the river they make you feel sleepy and heavy a glass in the evening when you are doing the mooch around town and looking at the girls is all right enough but don't drink when the Sun is blazing down on your head and you've got hard work to do we made a list of things to be taken and then a pretty lengthy one it was before we part of that evening the next day it was Friday we all got together and met in the evening pack we've got a big Gladstone for the clothes and a couple of hampers for the victuals and the cooking essentials we moved the table up against the window piled everything into the heap in the middle of the floor and around and looked at it I said I'd pack I rather pride myself on my packing packing is one of those many things that I feel I know more about than any other person living it surprises me myself sometimes how many of these subjects there are I impress this fact upon George and Harris and told them that it had better leave the whole matter entirely to me they fell into they fell into his the suggestion with a readiness that had something uncanny about it George put on a pipe and spread himself over the easy-chair Harris caught his legs upon the table and lit a cigar this was hardly what had intended what I had meant of course was that I should boss the job and that Harrison George should pour about under my directions I pushing them aside every now and then with oh you here let me do it there you are simple enough really teaching them as you might say they're taking it in the way they did irritated me there is nothing does irritate me more than seeing other people sitting about doing nothing while I am working I lived with a man once he used to make me mad that way he would lo on the sofa and watch me doing things by the hour together following me around the room with his eyes whenever I went he said it did him real good to look on at me messing about he said it made him feel that life was not an idle dream to be gaped and yawn through but a noble task full of Duty and stern work he said he often wondered now how he could have gone on before he met me never having had anyone to look at what they worked now I'm not like that I can't sit still and see another man slaving and working I want to get up and Supan superintend and walk around as my hands in my pockets and tell him what to do it's why energetic nature I can't help it however I did not say anything but started packing it seemed a larger job than I thought it was going to be but I got the bag finished at last i sat upon it and strapped it ain't she gonna put the boots in Harris said as I looked around I found I had forgotten them that's just like Harris he couldn't have said a word until I got the bag shut and strapped of course and George laughed one of those irritating senseless chuckle-headed craw hacks Joe laughs of his they so did make me wild I opened the bag and pack the boots in and then just as I was going to close it a horrible idea occurred to me had I packed my toothbrush I don't know how it is but I never do know whether I've packed my toothbrush my toothbrush is a thing that haunts me when I'm traveling it makes my life a misery I dream that I haven't packed it a wake up and cold perspiration get out of bed and hunt for it and in the morning I pack it before I've used it and have to unpack it again to get at it it's always the last thing I turn out the back then I repack it and forget it and have to rush upstairs for it in the last moment and care at the railway station racked in my pocket handkerchief of course I had to turn every mortal thing out now and of course I couldn't find it I rummaged the things up into much the same state as there must have been before the world was created and when chaos reigned of course I found George and Harris's 18 times over but I couldn't find my own I put the things back one by one and held everything up and shook it then I found it inside a boot I repack Pantanal when I had finished George asked if the soap was in and I said I didn't care a hang whether the soap was in or it wasn't and I slammed the bag and strapped it and found the I had packed my tobacco pouch in it and had to reopen it it got shut up finally at 10:50 p.m. and then they remained the hampers to do Harris said that we should be wanting to start in less than twelve hours time and thought that he and George had better do the rest I agreed and sat down they had a go they began in light-hearted spirit evidently intended to show me how to do it I made no comment I only waited when George is hanged Harris will be the worst Packer in this world I looked at the piles and plates and cups and kettles and bottles and jars and pies and stoves and cakes and tomatoes etc and felt that things would soon become exciting it did they started with breaking a cup that was the first thing they did they did it just to show you what they could do and get you interested then Harris pack the straw with jam on top of a tomato and squashed it they had to pick up the tomato with a teaspoon then it was George's George's turn and he trod on the butter I didn't see anything but I came over and sat at the edge of the table and watched them it's irritated them more than anything I could have said I felt it made them nervous and excited they stepped on things and put things behind them and then couldn't find them when they wanted them and they packed the pies at the bottom and put the heavy things on top and smashed the pies in they upset salt over everything and as for the butter I never saw two men do more to want two pence worth of butter in my whole life after George had got it off his slipper they tried to put it in the kettle but it wouldn't go in and what was wouldn't come out they did scrape it scrape it out at last and put it down on the chair and Harris sat on it and stuck it to him and they then went looking for it all over the room I'll take my oath and put it down on that chair said George staring at the empty seat I saw you do it myself not 20 minutes ago said Harris then they started around the room again looking for it and then they met again in the center and stared to one another the most extraordinary thing I've ever heard of said George so mysterious said Harris then George got round of the back of Harris and saw it why here it is all the time he exclaimed indignantly where said Harris spinning around stunned still can't you roll George flying after him and they got it off and paddocks in the teapot montmarcy was in it all of course Montmorency's ambition in life is to get in the way and we sworn at if he can squirm in anywhere where he particularly is not wanted and be a perfect nuisance and make people pad mad and have things thrown at his head he feels his day has not been wasted to get somebody to stumble over him and curse him steadily for an hour is his highest aim and object when he's succeeded in accomplishing this his conceit becomes quite unbearable he came and sat down on things just when they wanted to be packed and he laboured under the fixed belief that whenever harris or george reached over their hand for anything it was his cold damp nose they wanted he put his leg onto the jam and he worried the teaspoons and he pretended that the lemons were rats and got into the hamper and killed three of them before harris could land him into the frying pan Harris said I was encouraging him I didn't encourage him a dog like that and doesn't want any encouragement it's the natural original sin that is born in him that makes him do things like that the packing was done 1250 and Harris sat on the big hamper and said he hopes nothing will be found broken George said if anything was broken it was broken which on reflection seemed to comfort him he also said he was ready for bed we were all ready for bed Harris was to sleep with us that night and we went upstairs we tossed four beds and Harris was to sleep with me he said do you prefer to sleep inside or outside I said I generally preferred to sleep inside a bed Harris said it was old George said what time's my wake you fellows Harris said seven I said no sir I said no six because I wanted to write some letters Harris and I had a bit of a row of but at last split the difference and said half-past six weakest at 6:30 George I said George made no answer and we found on going over that he'd been asleep for some time so he placed the bath where he could tumble into it on getting out in the morning and went to bed our selves end of chapter 4