British Comedian Hosts a Tense Audience | Standup Comedy Crowd Work

Have we got any French people in? That was the most English yes I've ever heard. Yes, hi, I'm Frank, well I had a cross on this morning. I'm very French. What part of France are you from? I'm from Paris. You do sound very English though. I was born in Paris when I was very first here. My father will probably be there. I heard the thing with the accent. Were you born in Paris then? No, I was born in a very small town. A very small town. I like the fact that you didn't go geographically, you went to science. I was born in a town of 522 people. You should know it by the number. It's a very small town in France or just a... Sorry? A very small town in France or just a very small town? It's in France. What's that small town? I'm curious what the name is. I'm sorry? What's fun about this is I can really tell that you're a foreign language speaker because you're trying to follow it, but you respond so Englishly that it's almost like you'd be going, I'm awfully sorry, I don't speak English. You wouldn't speak French to me. No, no, no, I'm not understanding a word of what you're saying. I'm so, so sorry. It doesn't matter. As you wish. I mean, to be honest, I have had dates that have gone worse than that, but not too many. Pleasure to meet you. What's your name? Claire. Claire, fantastic. You are kind of an Irish twang as well. Are you with somebody else that's French? No, I'm not French. No, not French. I demand that you introduce yourself thus for the rest of your life. Hi, I'm not French. What's your name, not French man? Robin. Robin, the not French man. I don't know if it is a French name, Robin, but it's a solid name, Robin. That's right. What do you do for a living, Robin? Software engineer. What kind of software do you engineer? Financing stuff. Financing things. I quite like the rhythm of that. Financing things. I've got a feeling you've got a job that the more questions I ask, the less will know. Software engineer. Financing things. Go on, if you had to specify more about financing things, go on. I build stuff for other traders, I guess. Anyone? So, traders. Who are the other traders that you build stuff for? I don't know the person. Sorry? I don't know the person. You don't know the person? But you build stuff on the dark web. You're building stuff, like traders. So, is that a requirement that you don't have their name? Like it's got to be? We're like separate, right? Separate, yeah. So, yeah, you just kind of like, you know, don't shoot the messenger. You just ******* put the website up. It's getting darker the more I talk. It's very nice, too, because sometimes the person with the microphone comes on and talks to somebody, and everyone's just like, oh, ****. He can talk to people in real life. It's all right. I will not cause too many shame attacks. Do you know what a shame attack is? A shame attack is when you remember something that might have just happened, might have happened five years ago, but when the memory comes back, the shame of the memory is so deep, you get a physical reaction to the shame. You remember and you literally go. Yeah, some days I get so many shame attacks, I'm literally walking down the road going, ****, ****. And everyone's like, well, I never knew Richard Branson was struggling. It's so funny, the comedy, because you couldn't, literally, but it's like you go into different rooms and everyone's got a kind of different vibe. And honestly, the vibe of the audience tonight is very much, oh. Oh. What's going on? Something's going to happen, mate. It's almost like somebody has been told, by the end of the night, someone will die. There's this kind of tension of just like, and everyone's like, who's it going to be? It might be me. Hey. That's what I wanted. There's, you know, there's this guy as well. By the way, I love the fact that you're doing drink admin. You polish that drink off immediately. You can't see this guy, but he is absolutely sat like a legend. He's got what I call the lumberjack stance. He's absolutely gone, listen, look at this, I am ready for anything. He put his drink, his empty drink, down like a shot glass. Just put it down and put it behind you. You have to prove it, mate. We absolutely do. Hey, I'm drunk. But he's sat like, get me another one. But you have, you've got the easy kind of like physical kind of ease of a lumberjack. Do you do a physical job? No, I don't. You don't? He was about to say I'm a lumberjack. And then he will back out of that. Just like, no, I can't back this up with any. What's your name? Hugo. Why did you look at this person? What's your name? Am I allowed? Is this why everybody's tense tonight? Is everybody here with their like, I don't know, their hijacker or hostage person? Where they need permission to talk or something like that. Do I get permission to laugh? Yes, ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Oh, I love this guy. But I don't know why I made that person a weird accent. So why did he look at you for permission of the name? I have no idea. Oh my God, you do have a Russian accent. I have no idea. Well, I had lost my hand on my gun. Why is he nervous? He's just a metal. There is something about the accent. Well, I have no idea. Is this okay? I have no idea. I will not do it. He is my husband. He is your husband. That suggests, that's the way you said it. It's like, he is my husband. He is mine to do with as I wish. Sometimes the flowers need fertilizing. Husband number five. He's got some very nice roses. I like that. So, how long have you been married? Are you... Oh, wow. He started crying. And Hugo, what is it you do for a living? You are not a lumberjack. What did you say? What do you do for a living? I work in HR. You work in HR? Wow, human resources. That sounds terrifying from certain positions. Are you from the UK? Do you live in London? I live in London, yeah. Whereabouts? North London. You are keeping it very vague. It's not Game of Thrones. The other side of the wall. It's better than a small town, no? It's better than a small town. Don't be damning the French. Hugo is like, I don't like the heat. Let's ******* have it on the French. Somebody else is coming in. Hello, mate. You made it in. I was just about to bring on the first act, but you've come in. Were you a late arrival? Did you not know whether you were going to get in? Yeah. I love it when somebody responds with a yes to a question that needed more specifics. Would you like white or brown bread? Were you waiting in the queue like this person here? No, I was just like... No, I love the way you said it. It's just a fair compliment. I was just late. I'm doing my thing. Are you with these people here? Did they save a seat for you? No? Wow, yeah, I can actually tell. I don't know if you can see, but they've created a lot of space. You've really gone, I might just go over this side a little bit. To reassure all the people around you that an absolute stone-cold killer hasn't walked in, I'll just get to know you. What's your name? Amir. Amir, okay. You are here. Well done. Is that why you're late? So you can say your name? Because if I was called Amir, I'd be late all the time. Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late, but I'm here. No? No, okay. Is that part of... No? Okay. It's fine, it's fine. You'll notice I took a bit of time coming up there, because as I was coming up the thing, somebody was literally just going, oh, I've got to get out of the way for James coming in, and I was like, oh, ****, I'm going. Who was that? I don't know if he had a drink, did I? It was the person behind the fridge. Oh, me? Yeah. Yeah, my legs are quite long. Oh. There wasn't a burn on your legs. Yeah, there was someone with a ******* wrong leg. Long-legged cunts coming here, stealing our leg room. No, I thought it was because of the drink, but that's all right. I love the way that you're very quick to apologise for the size of your legs. I like that. Do you get a lot of grief from people like, the ******* size of your legs? I don't know what's going on with these lads. These lads have got their own little comedy gig going on. To be honest, I'm not sure they're still not laughing at Hugo. You don't have to answer that question. To be honest, it was a weird one. I will think back to that question tomorrow and go, that would be my thing. Did you have a good break? Yeah. Has anyone got any questions? No. No, we haven't got any questions. What's that? What's coming next week? Who's coming? Oh, who's coming next week? I can't. I signed an NDA. I'm sure she can ******* torture it out of me. But I like my fingers. Alright, I can't say. If you can't say about an NDA, if you signed an NDA, is an NDA still your signed NDA? No, I'm only about to sign a separate NDA for that. So an NDA to say that I've received an NDA so I couldn't say what I just signed the NDA for, right? Is that right? Anyone? Anyone eyes in? This guy. I saw his face. He just switched off. He's like, I've got nothing on this. He went off. You were thinking about something else far away. A galaxy far, far away. Are you annoyed? No, but my friend mentioned it. Your friend mentioned it? Wow. A way to absolutely land someone in the shit. I think you're fine, my friend. You're not allowed to say you signed an NDA. You're not allowed to? You're pointing at me. You're not you. I can't say that you signed an NDA. I just want you to know. Anyone else can, but you ******* can't. I love the way that you're talking very aggressively for this guy that's backing away. You know what? Even to talk about the NDA, I'd have to charge 500 pounds an hour. Are you a lawyer, my friend? No, no. I'm actually a nurse. Listen, this guy works in Starbucks. Don't believe him. Are you not a lawyer? Did you have a take on the NDA thing? Were you talking about it? What did you do? I'm an engineer. You're an engineer? Is he a ******* engineer? Why are you pimping out this guy? Listen, you've got to sign an NDA. Who told you? My ******* dustman told me that. I was talking to my dustman. He's got all of the NDA stuff. He's got insight on the NDA. Alright, so you're an engineer. What kind of engineer? Tech. Tech? Oh, that went very poorly already. A tech engineer? Why are you nodding like that? See, that's kind of like lawyers. And what is it you do? Data scientist. Data scientist? Fucking hell. You put the word scientist after it. Something sounds interesting, doesn't it? Really? Data scientist? What are you? I'm an accounts scientist. I'm an HR scientist. I'm a *******... I'm a state agent scientist. A ******* hack right there. Let's all use that. What did you say? You're a data scientist. So what does that mean? You wear a white coat, and you just wander around and count the things. And... What did I say? Oh, I'm back. I'm back. Fucking, I didn't hit the send button yet. I'm freaking out. It's like when you go in the chat box. You're ******* ready to answer that question. You plugged in. You plugged into the mainframe. So, hang on. What is a data scientist? Go on. They predict future data, basically. They predict they. What happened here? That was a cross between AI skeptics and pantomime. Boo! Who's booing the computers? Boo the computers. So, hang on. So they predict things, right? They predict that they are predicting things. So what kind of things are you working on predictions for? What kind of stuff? Is this it? Because it sounds like you are it. Is it just you with a headset on? Do people have ******* opinions about NDAs? It's interesting. I've used chatbot and that just ******* makes things up as well. And you go on there. It's just like, yeah, you can't sign an NDA. You can't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100% true. So you look it up. Oh, no, that's not true. Recommendation engine. So Netflix recommendations for films. I'm also using machine learning. Is that something you do? I'm behind that, yeah. You're behind it. You're the puppet master. I turn on the switches. You turn on the switches? The idea that there are switches like that is kind of like, apparently, 1970s. Like, toot-toot. The AI is on. Toot-toot. The AI is off. There's an off switch. Okay, so you're a data scientist. You work with AIs and all that kind of stuff. I'm curious to ask the room here, because when she mentioned it, what was her name? Denise. When Denise mentioned it, there was a definite sense in the room where it was like, oh, ****, I'm not happy about this. It was almost like the way you were responding was how Middle England responded to Brexit. Just don't ******* like computers. Get out of my ******* phone. This is my phone full of my pictures. Because there was a boo at the back. By the way, I love the fact we've got a black and white Where's Wally? there. Hello, mate, how you doing? You all right? There he is. He's even waving. You found me. It's like a fever dream. Hello, Wally. You all right, mate? What's your name? Eric. Good to see you, Eric. And you don't like AI. You were like booing AI. You're not a big fan of it. Was I? Yeah, no. Oh, was I? She spotted it. She's on ******* data. I love the fact that you didn't know what your opinion was. Was I? Yeah, that sounds like me. Sounds entirely credible, but I didn't like it. And Eric, what do you do for a living? Between jobs. You're between jobs. That's the sexier way of saying I'm unemployed. I'm very much between girlfriends right now. I am not alone. I'm between girlfriends. All right, I'll remember that. Anyway, so what jobs are you between? Do you know? Have you got any idea? Are you between a job in a hard place? I start my next job on Tuesdays. You start your next job on Tuesdays? Your accent's only arrived. So what job do you start on Tuesdays? I will be a strategist. Yes, ****, ****, ****, ****. I... will be a strategist. I wish I had that much confidence. It does sound like, is it just a job interview or are you definitely having a job interview? I will pass this job interview because I have the right strategy to pass it. Okay, so what kind of strategy is it? Because obviously chess is strategy and there are lots of different strategies. What kind of strategy is it? I've literally never heard of what a strategy is. What do you do? I'm a strategist. I knew 100% that you were going to ask me that because this is part of my strategy. Strategize this, Eric. He's so aggressive. But yeah, what kind of strategist do you do? By the way, the data scientist is all over this. She's gone to chatbots. I ******* know what a strategist is. Yeah, on Netflix, they strategize what the **** you're going to do. Yeah, she's all ******* over it. Right, okay. This guy, I don't know what's happening to this guy. He's literally banging his chest. I don't know what's going on, but these two people are absolutely devolving in front of me. But yeah, what kind of strategy? I've got no idea what a strategist does. What do you do? So I'll be doing digital... I love your future tense work. I'll be doing what he's doing. So I'm looking forward. I will be doing digital transformation at a large firm. I will be doing digital transformation at a large firm. All of the people will become digital. And then I will be head of human resources. It is too late to leave. The doors are locked. Denise will now release the gas. You have all been strategized. I don't know what's happening here, but it's not TV. I can see you. So literally, she was like, oh, ****. What did you say? Nothing. Definitely something. I mean, it's a lot like you can tell. You didn't hear it. Fucking brutal. You're going to stand for that? Fucking come on. What was it? I'm curious. No, I didn't actually finish my sentence. You didn't actually finish your sentence, but that doesn't mean that you didn't know what you were going to say. Unless you're thinking in real time. You ******* knew what you were going to say. You ******* knew it. Don't be backing out. Come on. No? That means... Do you know what that means? That means it was cruel. That was a burn. Gone. What was it? It wasn't a bit you. Unless it were burns. And I am so sorry, Eric. You can't be ******* heckling other people in the audience like that, otherwise I can't hear you. And the fact that you're like, I better tell my boyfriend, that that guy... Hang on. Is it because he's also in a stripy shirt? Don't worry about it. I know stripy's my thing. Horton turns me on, but I like bigger stripes. That was great, but you know, you need therapy.