Sandwich of Justice - You Suck at Cooking (episode 25)

You suck at cooking. Yeah, you totally suck. The sandwich of justice was first discovered by my friend Ryan many years ago. I took his version of the sandwich of justice and developed my own because I was vegetarian at the time. I'm no longer vegetarian for ethical reasons, but I still make this version of the sandwich because it's so delicious. But you can feel free to add bacon. The first thing you want to do is put some olive oil in a pan, throw in some onion, add in some garlic, and then pour in some hash browns. Add in a little pepper, pepper, pepper, and add in a pinch of salt. This little salt holder was a gift from my friend Jenny. Keeps it double fresh. While this is cooking, you can do all the rest of the prep. What you need is thin wisps of a dill pickle, thicker wisps of sliced tomato. You want to throw some cheddar through a shredder. Have some avocado on standby. And as the potatoes are getting close to finish, you're gonna want to get your eggs ready. As I mentioned before, you always want to just be respectful and give your eggs a minute before you actually cook with them. Hey, Dennis. Hey, Chief. It's late. Why don't you hit the bricks? I will soon. What are you working on? Oh, nothing. Oh for crying out loud, Dennis. It wasn't a homicide. I know I'm close, Chief. It just doesn't make sense. You don't make sense. What do you mean? It's like you say, look at that car, and I say, you're a car. Oh. It's a joke. Right. Look at the video, Chief. You ever see an egg jump like that? No. You want to know why? No. Look right there. There's a human finger. Figgles, shut up. Human fingers is how 99% of us die these days. So what? It wasn't John and Douglas in that water. I know it. They murdered two innocent eggs and made an escape. You know what you sound like? A goddamn lunatic. Dennis, look at me. I am looking at you. I know. Is everything all right? Are you doing okay? You know, Chief, ever since Alex died... Oh, shut up. You lost a partner. Boo-friggin-hoo. I've had 27 partners. Ended up as omelets. Shut your face hole and go home. There's no case here, Dennis. Maybe you're right. Of course I'm right. That's my job as the Chief of Police. I'm always right. Did you just burn a pile of evidence? Yes. A fire right here in your office? Yes. Good man. Get a good sleep. We'll see you tomorrow. Chief always knows best. Figgles, I swear to God. Detective Dennis? Yes, sir. I believe you've been looking for me. I have? Sorry, I didn't catch your name. You can call me John. I always like to pepper, pepper, pepper him up. This is the period of crucial timing. I prepared the avocado. The hash browns are almost done. The bread you need has got to be wide enough. If you go too small, the structural integrity of the sandwich will be compromised. Toast goes in. While that's happening, we're going to get the eggs started. Throw those bad boys in. Toast is ready. While the eggs are still cooking, they'll be done soon, Ryan insists the best way to spread mayonnaise is with a spoon, so let's do that. That's way too much mayo. Let's take some off. Next layer is the hash browns. Put a nice layer, not too thick, and scrunch them in to the bread. Get your cheese onto the hash browns. Your perfectly timed egg comes in and creates a cheese furnace and also a layer of glue at the same time, but not the kind made from horses, made from chickens. Just a touch of ketchup for sweetness and also for traction. Now we've got our pickles. My God, do not skip this step. If you don't like pickles, get your head checked. We're going to throw on our tomatoes, a little bit of mayo on your second piece of toast, and then the avocado. Look at that creamy deliciousness. Try to deny it. I dare you. Bam. You want to slice it in half diagonally. Look at this. You don't even need two hands. If you wanted to, say, like, go driving around and eat at the same time, you could totally do that. It's also safe. Oh, look at that. What are we at? Almost 90 degrees? Jesus. The fun thing about it is when you give it to someone, you can say, justice is served. That's, uh, Ryan's line. I build my whole life on the backs of my friends. You know, Dennis, I've been thinking... No. You suck at cooking. Oh my God, you suck.