Ryan Goodcase | Maybe They're Dead (FULL SPECIAL)

Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Goodcase! Thank you. All right, here come the jokes. I do want to congratulate myself up top. I just bought my very first unused mattress. I bought a king-sized mattress, which is nice because now I finally have enough space to fall asleep next to my pile of unfolded laundry. I just pull it out of the dryer and fall asleep next to something warm for once. If I get lonely, I just reach for a sock. I have been single for the better part of seven years, and there are a lot of reasons for that, but I only have 45 minutes. I think the hardest time to be single was COVID. I know a lot of people dated and hooked up during the pandemic, but the problem is the women who are attracted to me aren't into taking risks. A lot of asthmatics in that crew. Women with weak immune systems. Iron lungs. So I tried doing online dating. Anyone doing online dating right now? That seems dishonest. Demographically, that seems unlikely. I'm not good at it. I'm not good at, like, being flirty over text or sexting. The only time I've texted a girl, hey, you up, was at noon. It was more of, like, a general wellness check. Just want to make sure she was doing okay. But I went to my grandpa because I wanted advice, like, how do you meet a lady before, you know, online dating? And he had something similar, actually. He's like, you know, back in our day, there's a lady in the neighborhood you want to talk to. What you would do is you would take two cans and tie them together with a string, and then run one can to her house, and take the other can back to your house, and then slap your dick around your can while she listens on the other end. It's like, yeah, that sounds like a pretty big dick. I just realized when I got on stage, these pants are green. I did not realize that until this lighting. Can we fix that in post? Does this match? It does? Okay. I don't look like a fucking Christmas guy right now? That's the last thing I want to do, is look like a Christmas guy. We can fix it in post. Someone give me your pants, sir. No, yours are green. I don't want yours. All right. Who actually is online dating? I need some honesty. Are you? You have to be, sir. You're not. You've given up. Okay. Did you ever do it? Yeah. Did you ever wonder if any people you swipe past are dead? You ever think about that? Because if you die, no one's going to delete your dating profile, right? No one's going to go on your phone after the funeral all weepy-eyed like, oh, she really did like to hike. That's not going to happen. Which means I'm probably swiping past hundreds of dead people. At least that's what I tell myself when I don't get any matches. Maybe they're dead. They're probably dead. I hope they're dead. I hope they're all dead. My profile is modest. All my pictures are from the shoulders up. It's my moneymaker. The compliment I most often get from women about my appearance is that they like my dimples. I'm like, yeah, you like the part of my face that's literally receding into itself. Wait till you see my penis. I'm just kidding. It doesn't do that. That'd be a cool party trick though, right? Uh-oh, where'd it go? If my penis could do that, you'd be watching me on a different website right now. But a basement in San Francisco feels right for the location. The venue works both ways. I had this one lady message me because she was interested in my body type. She was just seeing all these head shots. She's like, what kind of physique do you have? I'm really into dad bods. Do you have a dad bod? I was like, well, that depends. Did your dad have you when he was 14? Because if so, I have your dad's bod. Does your dad have scoliosis? You almost spit. Let it out, man. Zoom in. Get his face. I do have scoliosis. You guys can tell on the back, huh? Someone just wooed? Yeah, support. I think the one good thing about having scoliosis, my back is shaped like this. I'm a very good spooner. Ladies, you ever been spooned by a guy while he's making eye contact with you? It's incredibly intimate. I don't like this body. I just worry if I ever do get in a relationship, and I'm put in a situation in which I have to defend my girl's honor, because that's something I'd be able to do. Defend her honor. So I decided to only date women with no honor. Then if a man comes up to me and is like, your girl is a trifling ass hoe, I'll be like, that is correct, sir. We are in agreement. I am trying to fix my body, though. I've been going to a boxing gym, if you can't tell. Yeah, you're impressed. I can hear it. I went to a boxing gym. I didn't realize how much aggression I had built up inside of me until I started going. People have always told me that I give school shooter vibes, which, to be clear, is not what I'm going for. I just naturally have kind of like a Columbine complexion. But I would never do that. I would never shoot a bunch of people. It's not my style. I think, though, since I've been taking these boxing classes, if I punched a certain number of people in a row, I could make the national news as the first mass puncher. I don't know what that number is. It could be 50, 60. How many people are here tonight? I'm not talking about winning fights, by the way. I'm talking about punching and running. I've been working on my cardio, too. And if you're like, oh, some guy like this would kick my ass before I got to three, you're right. That's why I'm still going to do it at a school. A Catholic all-girls school for the blind. All right. Anyways, I am going to stick to online dating because the in-person dating is worse for me. I don't do well outside. I went to a nightclub once to try to meet a lady. And while I was there, I was like, I was dancing. I was having a good time. I was occasionally making eye contact with women to see if they wanted to dance with me. They didn't. That's fine. I respect that. But all of a sudden as I'm dancing, I felt like a pair of women's hands reach from behind and grab me, start to work their way down my body. I was like, all right, here we go. So I turn around to meet this woman, and I see that what has happened is the woman behind me has bent down and started grinding on another gentleman behind her. And she's using my body as a stripper pole. And I realized I'm so non-threatening to women, they view me as an inanimate object. I just stood there and took it like this. That's all I could do. Thank you guys so much for being here, by the way. I really appreciate it. Make some noise for yourselves being here. That's great. And hey, if you're watching this at home, you're great too. Make some noise for yourself. Don't. Not you guys. Follow the instructions, please. Great. That's going to be an album, too. So if you're just listening to this at the gym while working out, weird choice. Okay. I'm going to reward you guys with a little special thing. Sir, do you want to shape my special? If I give you three choices, I'm going to have you pick the topic of the next joke. Okay. Do you want the next joke to be about dogs, about Walmart, or about sex? Walmart. Walmart? Sure. We'll do Walmart. They're already laughing. Great choice. So I was in a Walmart having sex with a dog. I call that joke the illusion of free will. I do have a Walmart story. One time I was at a Walmart, and it's not important it's a Walmart. We can cut that part out for legal reasons. I walk into a Walmart bathroom, and there were two urinals in this bathroom. There was a normal size urinal for, say, an adult man, and then there was a short squat urinal about two inches off the ground for, say, a child. When I walked in, there was a child in there peeing at the larger of the two urinals. Up on his tiptoes, arcing his stream upward. He put me in a weird position because I don't know whether or not I'm supposed to try to squat down into the small one or try to go around this kid. And as I'm standing there weighing my options, this man walks in, and he says, why are you staring at my son? Which is a fair question. What I wanted to explain was that his son had the larger of the two urinals, and that I was patiently waiting my turn, but how I said it was, he's got a big one. And then he beat the piss out of me, so I didn't have to go anymore. Let's talk about the real stuff now. You guys want to talk about COVID? That's still a fun topic to joke about, right? I think there were some positives of COVID. I was working in an office in the beginning, and I loved working from home because it meant I did not have to see my co-workers, who I hated very much. I had one co-worker, whenever he passed me in the hallway, he always shot me finger guns. He was one of those guys. So I started doing it back to him, but really taking aim. So he'd be like, hey, see you next Monday, Ryan. And I would go. Not if I see you first. I don't work there anymore. I think the weirdest part of COVID, though, was the first few weeks when the stores ran out of toilet paper. You remember that? Everyone thought the virus was going to make you lose control of your bowel. I admit, I panicked in the beginning. I bought supplies. I stocked up on goods, but I didn't buy toilet paper. I bought something that made sense for COVID. I went to the store and bought all of the get well soon cards that they had, and the my condolences cards. I thought they might run out. I didn't want to seem inconsiderate, but no one I knew got sick, so I just ended up wiping my ass with Hallmark cards for two months. If you've never seen the words gone but not forgotten, flush down a toilet. It really changes your outlook on life. I was here in San Francisco during COVID. It got crazy. It's very strict here compared to other places. A lot of rules. Do you remember during COVID when restaurants required proof that you hadn't listened to Joe Rogan in the past 72 hours? That was crazy. Is this a pro-science crowd? Because I am getting worried about this growing contingent of people in our country who are just rejecting science for their own messed up belief system. I'm talking about people who believe in astrology. They are ruining our country. You understand there is just as much science behind Jupiter affecting your personality as there is microchips being in the vaccine, right? They're intellectually equal. I know no one's died from believing in astrology, but you have killed a lot of conversations. Every time a girl asks me what time I was born, I wish I never was. Yeah, but I have been single for the better part of seven years, and there are a lot of reasons for that, but I only have like three minutes left. I went through this period where I was kind of missing my ex-girlfriend. I was thinking about all the small things about her. She was a germaphobe. She was one of those people who would always put down a toilet seat cover before she sat down on my face. And this might surprise you because I'm like a quiet guy, but my ex-girlfriend and I used to have really loud sex, but that's only because she had a loud laugh. After a while, I just started to associate laughter with sexual arousal. You guys are really doing it for me right now. She was also a squirter. I only had one girlfriend. I only remember sexual things about her. She was a squirter, which was messed up because when she left me, I had just purchased a $50 matches protector, and now it just absorbs tears. That's a joke about squirting that makes people go, aww. I'm pretty proud of that. But yeah, I was sad for a while. I started doing therapy. The first thing I did was BetterHelp. I went and did betterhelp.com. One thing I like about BetterHelp is they make you pay for four weeks in advance. You have to pay for the whole month up front. And I'm like, what if I kill myself on the first? That therapist gets four weeks paid vacation for doing the worst job possible. I didn't have a plan for suicide, but now I know it'll be at the end of the month. By the way, if you use promo code, what if I kill myself on the first? You get 30% off BetterHelp, so click subscribe at the bottom. I'm pointing at the camera. I'm pointing at you guys, by the way. I want you to understand that I'm mostly performing for my YouTube fans. I'm just kidding. I have three subscribers. I want to see if I understand you guys. Do you guys have those days where you wake up and you're acutely aware of the fact that you're going to die one day? You just think about how it's all going to come to an end, and you're wondering what the point is. It's a dark thought, so you try to stop thinking about it, but you can't. Your friend comes up to you and cracks a joke, and you can't even fake a smile, because now you're thinking about how they're going to die one day, too, and how everyone you've ever loved and ever known is one day going to perish. You're like, maybe if I go to sleep, I'll feel better tomorrow, but then you're lying in bed just thinking about how sleep is sort of analogous to death. It's like the closest thing we can conceptualize it as, and really, if our time on earth is so short, why would we waste it sleeping? The more you think about it, the more that life just seems like one really long setup to a joke without a punchline. So, I have been fucking recently. Yeah, I do want to talk about that. It's a new thing for me, you know. I've put on this act like no one wants to fuck me. Some people do. Exciting stuff. Thanks, I do it for you. I used to not be a casual sex guy. I used to be way more of a business casual sex guy, which is when I paid someone to have sex. That was the business part. The casual part is I wore khakis. They were crotchless khakis. Called them cockers. Be selling them after the show if you're interested. Also, I had a sex robot for a while. People get weird when I bring that up, but I'm still paying it off, so part of your ticket sales are going towards that purchase. You might as well get on board. But the first night I got this sex robot, I brought it in my room. I took it out of the packaging and I laid it out in the bed and I couldn't figure out how to turn it on. It was very realistic. So, I went to the instruction manual and apparently in order to turn on this sex robot, I had to go down on it for 15 minutes. Like an unreasonable amount of time. Until she was like, all right, you can stop now. She just had a regular robot voice. You ever that happen? You've been going down on your significant other and they say, okay, you can stop now? It's like, what if I'm not done trying? You've hurt my feelings. One thing that's very important though, if you are going to have casual sex, if I'm getting you guys in the mood, make sure you get enthusiastic consent. We all know about this, enthusiastic consent. That means when I'm with a lady and I'm like, hey, do you want to have sex? And she says, yeah. I go, can I get a hell yeah? And she's like, hell yeah. I go, I can't hear you. One thing I don't like about sex is buying condoms. I don't like it has to be transactional. I think that's awkward. So, what I started doing is ordering them on DoorDash. Did you know you could do that? Did you know you can make another grown man purchase and deliver your condoms? But a lot of times you won't reach the minimum. You have to spend a certain amount. So, I have to like throw in a gallon of milk too. That was my entire order last time was a box of condoms and a gallon of milk. And the notes I just put, hurry. So, I just leave it at the door. And the guy was like, no, you come out here and face me. I was at a pride parade once and I was thrown a female condom. You guys ever seen these? Female condoms? They're like a regular condom that's been stretched out and elongated. And the idea is the woman takes it and kind of stuffs it up there like tissue paper into a gift bag. And then you put whatever gift you want on there. But to me, that seems backwards, right? Like to me, a female condom seems like instead of putting your sock on your foot, putting your sock inside your shoe and then just jamming your foot in there, hoping for the best. It's like a female condom. Why bulletproof an entire room when you can just put a safety on the uh, enough about sex. Let's talk about masturbation. I do masturbate. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I'm not proud. Somewhere in between. But I was raised Catholic. So I learned growing up that masturbation was a sin. And when they tried to teach me that, I was like, you have to show me where in the rule book it says that. I'm not going to just take your word for it. I had just watched Air Buds. So I was like, show me where it says dogs can't play basketball. And they showed me. Comes from Genesis. First book of the Bible. Very important to God. God finds it wicked if man spills his seed upon the ground. Okay, a few things here. One, man is wicked. Ladies, I think you're off the hook. I think you guys can jerk off as much as you want to. I don't think God knows you can do that. I don't think he's that familiar with the female anatomy. Secondly, man is wicked if he spills his seed upon the ground. To me, doesn't sound like don't masturbate. To me, that sounds like don't come on the ground. Seems like a fair rule. I thought it was an unspoken rule. I've never been with a lady and been like, hey, I'm about to come. Where do you want me to come? And she's like, uh, on the rug. But you have to consider context, right? The Bible was like written thousands of years ago before they had invented socks or paper towel or, you know, garbage cans. I think a lot of people were just coming on the ground, kicking some dirt onto it, and then not letting their kids play in that corner of the house the next day. That's why I don't look to the Bible for advice about sex. Like, I think it's outdated. I don't know if you know this, but the Virgin Mary, the mother of Jesus, was 14 when she conceived with God. Yikes, God. That's a bit young, right? You know, God could have chosen any woman he wanted and he chose a 14 year old. Some of you guys are getting tight. I get it. You like his work, but I can't separate the art from the artist. I think we have to cancel God. Let's talk about drugs. I have a lot of drug experience. Someone yell out any drug and I can tell you a story about it. Molly. Okay, I heard that pretty quickly. Was that you in the pink tank top? Okay, you look like a Molly guy. Don't point at him. That was hella rude. This woman just pointed at you. How does that feel? This is going to be on YouTube, so you fucked up. Cut that. Cut all of this. Let's start over. I just bought a new mattress recently. Molly. I do have a Molly story. I was at a music festival once and it was one of those three-day music festivals where you camp there. And on the second day, I was really hungover. This was like four o'clock. I'm just starting to feel human again. And my friend was like, hey, I've got some Molly. Do you want to do Molly with me before we go to the stage? And I had never done Molly before. So I was like, no, I don't think so. All right, give me another drug. It's all the same story. Just me saying no different ways. It's all the same story. This is all an act, by the way. I'm actually a really cool guy. I have a lot of sex, do a lot of drugs. Went on a road trip recently. And you learn a lot about the country you live in when you drive across it. Like I went to Mount Rushmore and the pictures don't do it justice. But when you're there and you're looking up at it, you realize that is the most super villain shit our country has ever done. We carved a bunch of our leaders' faces into the side of a mountain. If I told you today that a country was going to carve its leaders' faces into the side of a mountain, you'd be like, wow, North Korea is fucked up. Another thing I learned about our country driving across it is how strongly the central part of the United States feels about abortion. Because it's on every single one of their billboards. Right? There are more pro-life billboards in Kansas than there are people. Which I suppose makes sense. They need as many lives as they can get out of. But one sign that really stuck with me, I was driving past it, it's in black and white, had a picture of a baby's face and it said in big bold words, abortion is forever. I was like, yeah, I'd kind of hope so. I don't know how you'd go about reversing something like that. It sounds horrifying. Also, really, abortion is forever? You want to go with the same slogan as diamonds? It made me want to put a pro-choice billboard across the highway that just said, abortion, a girl's best friend. It's a very safe joke to do in San Francisco. But if you're watching this pissed off in Kansas, I understand that. I get that. I understand that some people believe that life begins at conception. And while I don't believe that, I can still understand someone's beliefs and still love and respect them as a person. I just want you to know that it's my belief that life doesn't begin until the fetus develops a sense of humor. And learns to laugh at things that don't necessarily align with the fetus's worldview. Until then, you're just like a walking, talking, unwanted pregnancy. Those are my beliefs. But, uh... It's been a while since I had water. I, uh, I didn't pack well for my trip. I'm not a good packer. Like, sir, in the pink, you seem like a normal guy. Is that pink? Hold on, let's try this again. You in the mob? Okay, let me try this again. So if you go on a five-day trip, how many pairs of underwear do you pack? Six. Six? One extra just in case? I used to be like you until I remembered I haven't shit myself in years. I don't know why I thought each time I went on a trip, I was like, well, better be prepared. So I think by packing that sixth pair and by putting that brown energy into the universe, you're making it way more likely you shit yourself. Start packing five. I was talking to my dad about his underwear and... Apparently, when he buys new underwear, he will write the date in the waistband. So I guess he knows when they expire. Or when to retire them and hang them up from the rafter. I was making fun of him for this and he goes, you know, Ryan, I've seen your underwear. They're pretty ratty. Maybe you should write the date in the waistband of your underwear. In fact, the last pair of underwear I saw of yours had a hole in the crotch. I was like, yeah, dad, they're supposed to. I wear them with my crotchless khakis. When I'm having business casual sex. With prostitutes. For when I'm not having sex with my sex robot. And then my dad said, I don't think any of what you just said is true. You should try writing more personal comedy that's true to actual life. Maybe audiences will connect more with you. I was like, Jesus, dad. That's a harsh criticism. I guess that's fair. What could I talk about that's true for my life that people want to hear? My dad's like, I don't know. Maybe you could write a joke about the fact that I, your father, write the date in the waistband of my underwear. Like that could be pretty funny, right? And I'm like, sure, dad. That's a funny premise. But I don't know where to go with that. Every joke needs a punchline. What do I do with that? I was like, Jesus, Ryan, I have to do everything for you. Oh, I know. Why don't you just connect it to that joke you do about the crotchless khakis? The business casual sex joke, just take those two ideas and separate them by time. And I was like, oh, you mean like a callback? And he's like, sure, if that's what you comedians call it, do a callback. I was like, I don't know, dad. It's 2023. Most audiences are pretty comedy savvy nowadays. They're probably not going to laugh at a simple callback. And if they do, I'm not sure that's the kind of comedy that I want to do. And then my dad was like, well, la-di-da, Ryan, what kind of comedy do you want to do, huh? You want to do some long self-referential joke that's all meta and ironic? Do you think that'll be everyone's favorite joke in your set? Like, you know, skip forward and I have to hear this bullshit. If you can't just stay home and write a funny joke, then why don't you jerk off into what David Foster Wallace says, say, you postmodern fuckboi. Are you guys clapping for me or my dad? I told my dad, I stood up for myself. I said, I tell true stories in my comedy. And he's like, all right, well, let's hear a true story. So I told my dad the story of when I was in high school, my friends and I decided to smoke weed and go to Olive Garden for their unlimited soup salad and breadsticks thing. You guys know about this? It's like $15 unlimited soup salad and breadsticks. When we heard this, we're like, there's no way they took into account the appetite of a stoned teenager when they made this offer. We're going to make those motherfuckers run out of minestrone. But the one problem is I'm a nervous guy and when I smoke weed, it gets way worse. So I was really paranoid. Someone I knew would see me, a child, high on marijuana and then tell on me to my parents. Sure enough, the first person I see when I walk into this Olive Garden is my second period Spanish teacher, which is the worst person I could see because I knew not only was she going to try to talk to me, she was going to try to talk to me in Spanish. Which is a language I was getting a C in. Not a yes, the letter C. I was doing that. But I knew I had to take control of the situation. She's right by the hostess table and I start walking up to her in slow motion and I'm like conjugating verbs in my head as I go. And I get right there and I say, hola, senora mate. Como esta? Estabbing the formal tense because we were in an Olive Garden. And then she turned to me and she was not my Spanish teacher. She was a regular lady I'd never seen before. And she said, what? In English. And I tried to explain myself. I did. I was like yo se, tu eres mi profesora. I couldn't stop speaking Spanish. Lo siento, lo siento. And I'm still lo siento to this day. And then after my dad heard that story, he was like, yeah, that's pretty funny, Ryan. But I really think you should end it with a callback. And then he shot me finger guns and he walked away. That's an applause of I see what you did there, but not that funny. Oh god, that joke is always more work than it's worth, but I love it. I'll never stop doing it. All right, we're getting to the sloppy part of the set where I just want to make sure that I didn't miss anything. So again, forgive me for being so unprofessional. But hey, if this special blows up the next time, I'll have to do a better job. I probably still won't. Do you guys like impressions? All right, this is my impression of you guys. Oh, we love impressions, fucking losers. I really wanted to do this joke for you guys tonight because I just got banned from Tinder for this joke. I no longer am on Tinder. So don't look for me there. I want to see if you guys think it's funny or if I should have got banned. So some people put like two truths and a lie in their bio. You know how this works? Three statements, two are true, one's a lie. You have to guess what the lie is. This is what I put. Statement number one, I murdered my ex-girlfriend. Statement number two, her body is buried in the Santa Cruz mountains. Statement number three, I feel remorse. It's a good joke, right? If they had a sense of humor, they'd match with me and be like, three, you don't feel remorse. And I'd be like, that's right. Guess what you won? A hike with me to the Santa Cruz mountains. That's so exciting. I'm gonna murder you. All right. This is dangerous. I'm gonna end my special with a new joke. I want this joke to be exactly 60 seconds long. So I'm gonna ask for somebody's help to stay on time with this joke. Sir in the corner, do you mind helping me with this last joke? Sure. All I want you to do is to count backwards in your head from 60 to zero and then whenever I point at you, yell out what number you're on. Does that make sense? Yep. Go ahead and start. All right. So I was talking to my dad recently and my dad is a pretty old guy. He was born in like 1952. What was that? Did you have to think about it? All right, I might retake this. And no offense, I might replace you. Because again, no offense, but I pointed and I didn't hear anything and I looked and your eyes were somewhere else. You were in a different place. So no, don't use your phone. I want you to do this analog. All I want you to do is to count backwards in your head from 60 to zero and whenever I point at you, yell out what number you're on. Don't point at me. You're already confusing the instructions. Go ahead and start. So I was talking to my dad recently and my dad is a pretty old guy. He was born in like 19... So I don't know how old that makes him, but it's sure older than... Right guys? So anyways, he's like a rough and tumble guy. I was trying to brag to him. I don't know how it comes up, but he goes, Ryan, how many women did you sleep with in college? I was like, I don't know, probably like... Which is a total lie. It's a total lie. Like if I was being honest and I counted all the women I've ever slept with throughout my entire life, the number would probably be closer to... I did not point yet. You're gonna have to keep clapping. Speed it up, Jesus Christ. All right, you can stop. We'll cut it there. We'll cut it there. Still working on it. It's better than a fast counter. Sometimes someone counts too fast and they end on like negative four. Which is hurtful. So it means they looked at me and were like, that guy's unfucked four women. Just passed them on the street, gave them their virginity back. All right, I've been Ryan Goodkiss. Enjoy the rest of your lives. Thank you so much. Bye. Tiny pony.