Robin Williams on fatherhood

The whole damn purpose, the whole thing, the whole reason you're doing all this is because one little sperm gets through, bang, you got yourself something wonderful. And you're lucky you get any good sperm at all, because when you're making love, your testicles are like a little punching bag, like pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza. It's like your semen don't come out of there like Leon Sphinx, going, I could have fought better, Howard. I could have come at him, but he seemed to move away from me. That's it. One little sperm gets in there, makes contact, boom. It's like a chromosome square dance, 24 chromosomes coming down. 24 chromosomes spinning round. Dominant gene means hair is brown. Bow to your father. Bow to your mother. And you've just created a tiny creature that'll eventually quit college on you too. You're off and running, the wonders of life. And women know the moment they get pregnant, because it's like a ping, and they start to glow. And you expect to see three wise men show up at your door and go, you saw a star, dude? They've got this incredible feeling about them. And the natural process takes a slow, slow transition, and three months later, the wonderful thing happens, the titty fairy arrives. And in one night, she goes from zero to Aida. Yah! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you! No, and you make one move towards them, it's like, no! They're for the baby. Come on, he's only got one mouth, let's warm him up, come on! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And along with the titty fairy, something else happens a couple of months later. Six months, something amazing happens. The hormone fairy arrives. And her moods start to change. Bullshit, it makes her period look like nothing. You'll come home, she'll be waiting for you at the door with a large knife going, Honey! Honey! And the only thing that'll save your ass is Haagen-Dazs! Thank you. Yes, we'll leave it there at the door. She'll come out five feet and go, It's over. And you'll prepare. You'll prepare for that moment, which you think is every day. From six months to nine months, every day you'll be going, Are you okay? She'll be going, I'm fine. Are you okay? I'm fine. And you'll know on that ninth day of the ninth month, It'll be time. Because you'll come home, And she'll have the entire house packed in two small bags. And she'll have that look in her eyes like, Let's go. And if you don't move, She'll grab your scrotum and pull it up over your head. I think you have to go now. Let's go! Because your little wife has suddenly transformed into Ralph Bramdon! Get it out, Norton! Get it out! Because she is passing your creature Fifty times larger than the orifice it's supposed to come out! It's whoopee time! Get! And you're driving down the freeway, Yes, she's like De Niro in Mean Streets, Screaming out the window, You think, I've got to get her to the hospital, But I've also got to get this screaming bitch out of the car! Dear God, help me! Then she'll be very calm, I'm fine. No, I'm not! Move it! You get to the hospital, You think, okay, let's go, let's go in the hot booth, Let's go in the hot booth. You're carrying the bags, There's usually one attendant going, You must fill out some forms. Fuck you, Sabu, get out of the way! No, come on, let's go! She's on a gurney, she looks like a great white whale. Have you seen the great white mother? That way! You're rolling down the aisle, Attendants are going by going, You better do it real quick now! She's screaming like crazy! You're going like this, Let's breathe, honey! Let's breathe! Because you have this myth That you're sharing the birth experience. Bullshit, unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're circumcising yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so. You're not doing diddly squats, You're along for the ride. And you're there breathing, You're hyperventilating, She's looking at you like, What the fuck are you doing? Why don't you knock me out, you asshole? And usually there's an anesthesiologist in the corner going, You need anything, ma'am? She's leaving him, she wheeled her ass over there. Give me that, you dumb stone prick! Get it out! And after 10, 15 hours of sheer bliss, You're rewarded with a baby. But bullshit, it's not a baby, It's a little old man dipped in 40-weight. Don't you see? It's like Gandhi and Churchill had a child, You know what I'm saying? A little tiny thing there. It's a little tiny creature like, Yeah, I'm looking for the breast, I'm looking for the breast. It's a strange creature. And they handed me my son, They held him up and he went, My God, he's hung like a bear! That's the umbilical cord, Mr. Williams. Don't cut that! Let him dream for a while. And they did. They cut that off, And they handed him to me. We made contact. Father, son, son, father. He looked me right in the eye, And pissed all over me. And I realized, I'm a father now. And then comes a very special time. Your first test as a father, A diaper. You're ready. You may be a lumberjack, You may have been a marine, You may have seen blood and guts, But you've never seen caca like this. It's incredible stuff. It's part toxic waste, part Velcro. First time you peel back that diaper, It's like, honey, I've got it. This shit is green! This is incredible! What do you feed him? Algae? My God! Damn! Oh, no! He sucks on mother's milk! What does he do? Go to Cleveland before he gets to his asshole? What is this? And usually the baby's down there going, Yeah, yeah! Rob putting it on his face, Kind of little tiny jolts, And going, Baby! Oh, I love you! And you're sitting there Trying to wipe it off? You can't. You've got a little tiny moist towelette? No good, that is. It's like handling radioactive waste With an oven mitt. No good! You're there doing all this. It's all over you. Meanwhile, your dog's over here In the corner going, Jesus, man, Why don't you just put his face in it? Just do that. You wouldn't need all that stuff. It's foul, foul stuff. It's so bad that five months later, People go, You have a kid, don't you? Yes, I do. And now that you have a child, You have to clean up your act Because you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, Hey, here's a little switch, Daddy's going to throw up on you. You can't get stoned Because they have toys That'll mess your head up. If you're stoned with a transformer, It's a truck, it's a robot, It's a, What the fuck is it? And you don't need drugs When you have a kid. You're awake, you're paranoid, You smell bad, It's the same thing. You're like, The baby. I've come home sometimes, Found my wife in the doorway With a large knife going, I think you should talk to him. You expect to walk in the nursery, See the kid five feet over the floor going, Come in, father. Damien, put the dog down, Damien. Because they do horrible things, Little babies. They go up to the dog and go, Doggie. You can see the dog Look at him like, You'd be dead if you were a cat. But sensei love you. Oh. Gosh. Scary. And then they do something wonderful, Go, just when you're about To play hand baby, They look at you and go, Daddy. Oh. Then he looks at the dog and goes, Daddy. And the dog looks at you, I don't have to send him to college. Yeah. There's nothing you can do. My son is three years old. It's an amazing time. It's like big head, Little tiny body. It's an outrageous time When they ask you about everything. It's like, Why is the sky blue? Well, Because of the atmosphere. Why is there atmosphere? Well, because we need to breathe. Why do we breathe? What the fuck do you want to know? A year ago, You were sitting in your own shit, Now you're Carl Sagan. What is this? Who are you? Are you Buddha? Ask mommy, She's omnipotent, She knows everything. You're a little tiny creature, man. And they imitate everything you do. I was driving in traffic, Someone cut me off. I went, fuck it. From behind me, In his little rocket seat, A voice went, fuck it. All day long, He followed me around the house, Going, fuck it. A sweet little old lady walked up And said, Oh, what a beautiful child. Fuck you. It's the Williams boy. Don't you see? Children, can't live with them, Don't you see that? They've got you. They've got that look in your eyes, Like, what are you going to do? I'm a baby, I couldn't exist in the outside world. I see him working on emotions sometimes. I peeked around the corner, There was a mirror. He was going, Ah. No, no, no, no, no. Yes. That's the one. That's the one where the dog's going, I'm out of here. God, it's incredible. And I try and do sweet things for him. I try, I said, I'll take him to Disneyland. That'll be fun. Mickey Mouse for a three-year-old. Yes. Mickey Mouse for a three-year-old. That'll be incredible. Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old Is a six-foot fucking rat. There's Mickey going, Hiya, little buddy. Ah. No. And then Goofy came up. Oh-ho, oh-ho. It's dad having an orgasm. No, no, no. That's good. Get in the car. That's it. You've got to work with them. They've got you. They're going to do to you Exactly what you do to your parents. They're going to come up to you And do the same thing. I know my son's going to do it to me. Sixteen years from now, He's going to walk right up to me, Look me right in the eye and go, God, dad, you're fucked. My father will be standing Right behind him going, Yes. Revenge is mine. And you have dreams about your kid. You have dreams that maybe one day Your kid will be up there going, I'd like to thank the Nobel Academy. Then you have this other dream Where your kid's going, Do you want fries with this? There are times my son looks at me And gives me that look in the eyes like, Well, what's it going to be? Hey, Zack, uh, Hey, it's, um, I don't know. But maybe along the way He'll take my hand, Tell a few jokes and have some fun. Hey, how do you get to the Met? Money. Come on, pal. You're not afraid, are you? Nah. Fuck it.