Live For Yourself, Not For Others

This episode is presented to you in the form of an audiobook. Every problem you face in life has one simple cause. You care too much about what others think of you. This concern for others' opinions is the root of your unhappiness. Today we're diving into the book The Courage to be Disliked, co-written by Japanese philosopher and psychologist Ichiro Kishimi and author Fumitake Koga. For both, internal worry is always linked to the outside world. There is no such thing as worry that is completely defined by the individual. So-called internal worry does not exist. Whatever the worry that may arise, the shadows of other people are always present. Kishimi and Koga argue that all of life's problems can be easily solved, and that life only seems complex because we make it so. According to them, the only thing you need to find happiness is the courage to be disliked. They explain that one must not fear being disliked. Freedom is being disliked by others. It's not that you lack competence. You simply lack courage. They also explain that the courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness. In this episode, we'll explore the key teachings from the book, including the psychology of unhappiness. Why seeking external approval is a dead end. And the author's advice on how to live a truly happy life. Kishimi and Koga's worldview is based on the belief that everyone, no matter their past, has the potential to be happy. The main difference between happy and unhappy people is their willingness to change. The book draws on the theories of psychologist Alfred Adler. Adler believed that the self is a unified whole. Our body, mind, emotions, and both conscious and unconscious thoughts all work together toward a common goal. According to Adler, everything we think, do, or feel is directed toward achieving that goal, even if we're not fully aware of it. In Adler's view, goals don't just affect our happiness. They shape who we are. This perspective suggests that the goals we set drive our sense of self. Kishimi and Koga expand on this. They explain that Adler doesn't focus on fixed personality traits, but looks at people through the lens of their lifestyle. For Adler, your habits, emotions, and thoughts make up a lifestyle you chose at some point and continue to choose because you believe it's the best way to reach a goal. For example, Kishimi and Koga would argue that there's no such thing as a truly antisocial person. Instead, they see antisocial behavior as a choice, a way of pursuing certain goals. Kishimi and Koga take this idea further by suggesting that the goals we set not only influence our actions, but also shape our emotions. First, you decide what you want, and then you create the emotions that will help you achieve it. For example, imagine someone wants a job, but becomes so anxious about the interview that they can't prepare or even attend. They think that if their anxiety went away, they'd have a better chance at getting the job. However, Kishimi and Koga would argue that the person's true goal is to avoid the interview, so they create the emotion of fear. The person doesn't really want the job. Their true goal is to simply avoid the risk of failing the interview, and fear helps them to that. Kishimi and Koga also address the argument that past trauma can stop people from finding happiness. They counter by saying that not everyone who experiences trauma is stuck in it. For example, while negative childhood experiences may influence your goals, they would argue that it's still up to you to decide what goals to pursue and how to live to achieve them. In the book, they write that no experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences, the so-called trauma, but instead, we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining. They also explain that no matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on. That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life. So, if happiness is within our control, why would anyone choose unhappiness? Kishimi and Koga argue that unhappiness is actually a strategy some people use to reach their goals. As we've explained, the authors believe that the goals we set influence our emotions. They argue that occasional unhappiness is normal because everyone feels disappointed or frustrated at times. However, those who are always unhappy are often driven by one constant frustrating goal. And this frustrating goal is related to their relationships with others. This is an important point because Kishimi and Koga suggest that your overall happiness depends on the goals you set for your relationships. In other words, what are you trying to achieve in your connections with others? The answer to that question shapes how happy you are. So, your emotions and sense of self are shaped by the goals you set. And the goal that most affects your overall happiness is the one you set for your relationships with others. Kishimi and Koga explain that there are two main goals when interacting with others. Seeking their approval or aiming to make a positive impact in their lives. Kishimi and Koga argue that unhappy people often make gaining approval from others their main goal. Unhappy people believe that true happiness comes from being seen as good by others. Whether this approval comes from a teacher, parent, or society, it always leads to the same result, unhappiness. Essentially, unhappy people believe that being liked by others makes them a good person. Many would argue that the desire for approval and seeking validation is a natural part of being human. However, Kishimi and Koga explain that this is a mistaken view. They explain that humans don't seek approval to find happiness. We find happiness in approval because it satisfies a deeper need within us. So, why is it that people seek recognition from others? For Kishimi and Koga, in many cases it is due to the influence of reward and punishment education. Kishimi and Koga point out that even when unhappy people manage to gain the approval of others, it comes with a heavy price. In their pursuit of validation, they end up living according to someone else's expectations. In doing so, they end up sacrificing their freedom and ultimately their happiness in the process. They explain, to live one's life trying to gauge other people's feelings and being worried about how they look at you, to live in such a way that others' wishes are granted. There may indeed be signposts to guide you this way, but it is a very unfree way to live. Now, why are you choosing such an unfree way to live? You are using the term desire for recognition, but what you are really saying is that you don't want to be disliked by anyone. Unless one is unconcerned by other people's judgments, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one's own way of living. That is to say, one will not be able to be free. Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgment from another person as good. And the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person's yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that person's yardstick and put the brakes on one's own freedom. So, we've established how seeking approval from others is ultimately unfulfilling. But this isn't the worst result of making it your main goal. Kashimi and Koga argue that the real problem is that this goal is often impossible to achieve. Most of the time, approval depends on meeting others' expectations. This means that whether or not people approve of you is out of your control. And sometimes, no matter what you do, you will not be able to make someone like you. Kashimi and Koga explain that when earning approval becomes impossible, unhappy people often react by setting a new goal. Instead of continuing to chase something impossible, they choose to stop trying altogether. They give up on trying to gain others' approval. In doing so, they create negative emotions like fear and self-hatred to justify their decision not to try. However, as Kashimi and Koga explain, these people are still letting their lives be controlled by the unattainable goal of approval. By giving up, they don't truly let go of this desire. They only make their emotional attachment to it stronger. This deepens their unhappiness as they continue to feel the pain of failing to reach something they've basically given up on. The second goal they adopt is convincing themselves that something about them is flawed, which makes it impossible for others to like them. By holding on to this limiting belief, unhappy people avoid the risk of not gaining approval from others because they can simply justify it by saying they are flawed or that something is wrong about them. However, this keeps them trapped in a hopeless, miserable life as they now believe they don't have the power to change whatever they think is flawed. Additionally, Kashimi and Koga explain that the need for external approval doesn't just impact unhappy people's self-esteem, it also prevents them from forming healthy relationships. The main reason for this is because unhappy people often view life as a competition. They see others as rivals. In other words, if someone else succeeds, it means they have failed. This happens because approval is often conditional. It depends on actions. Some people may like you for being funny, others for being generous, and some for your career achievements. These are tough standards to meet and no one can do them all perfectly. So naturally, someone else may earn approval better than you. When others succeed, they raise the expectations, making it harder for you to gain the same approval. Kashimi and Koga explain that seeking external approval is a zero-sum game. The more someone else succeeds, the worse you appear by comparison. In other words, pursuing approval from others turns life into a competition with winners and losers. This leads unhappy people to fear the success of others and it may even cause them to celebrate their failures rather than offering them support. And this behavior is what prevents them from forming healthy relationships. Kashimi and Koga explain that once one is released from the scheme of competition, the need to triumph over someone disappears. The second reason why seeking approval harms relationships is because unhappy people believe relationships are founded on sacrifice. An unhappy person's need for approval can also damage their relationships by making them feel entitled. Kashimi and Koga argue that because unhappy people spend their lives trying to meet others' expectations, they become resentful when others, especially those close to them, don't meet their expectations in return. The authors explain that an unhappy person feels wronged when they do something nice for someone and don't receive the gratitude or appreciation they expected. For example, imagine someone throws a surprise birthday party for a friend only to be offended when the friend doesn't do the same for them. In this case, the person organizing the party is really just using the friend to get something in return. If the friend feels pressured to reciprocate but doesn't want to, then that's when resentment begins. Now that we've covered how seeking external approval can negatively impact your life and relationships, let's examine the alternative and look at Kashimi and Koga's advice for living a happier life. Kashimi and Koga suggest that instead of seeking approval, happy people focus on helping others. They find true joy in contributing to the well-being of those around them. For them, happiness comes from genuinely believing that they are useful to someone. Kashimi and Koga argue that as long as happy people believe they are helping others, they don't worry about what others think of them. They argue that you must decide for yourself what being useful means. Once you figure out what's truly meaningful for your life, anything else will feel like a waste of time. Even if you meet others' expectations but don't feel useful, then you won't find happiness. They explain that if one really has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer have any need for recognition from others because one will already have the real awareness that I am of use to someone without needing to go out of one's way to be acknowledged by others. In other words, a person who is obsessed with the desire for recognition does not have any community feeling yet and has not managed to engage in self-acceptance, confidence in others, or contribution to others. For happy people, helping others isn't a selfless sacrifice. It's something they do mainly for their own benefit. While this might sound selfish, Kashimi and Koga argue that it's perfectly fine if your purpose in life is to make yourself happy since helping others brings them fulfillment. Happy people are able to serve without expecting anything in return. Additionally, according to the authors, the desire to help because it makes you happy is a much stronger motivator than doing so simply because it's the right thing to do. That is because pursuing self-sacrifice to be seen as a good person is just another form of seeking approval. Kashimi and Koga also argue that anyone can find happiness by realizing that just by existing, they bring joy to others. Humans naturally care about each other and simply being around others can be fulfilling without needing to do anything extraordinary. Building on this idea, happy people believe that all humans have value even if they haven't done anything good with their lives. Because of this belief, they can accept themselves fully. Even if they've made mistakes or aren't as well adjusted as others, they understand that their presence is valuable to those around them. This makes them feel good about themselves despite their imperfections. While Kashimi and Koga acknowledge that some people do more good than others, they point out that unlike unhappy people who may see the success of others as a threat, happy people celebrate it. Since happy people believe that everyone can make others happy just by being there, they see no need to view life as a competition. The success of others cannot diminish their own worth as human beings. Finally, happy people focus on the present moment, enjoying life as it comes. Kashimi and Koga believe that we all have the ability to choose happiness at any given moment. Kashimi and Koga explain that many people think they need to achieve something big to be happy, but that's not true. Anyone can find happiness by simply recognizing the positive impact they have on others. They clarify that this doesn't mean you should stop working toward future goals. Instead, you should find meaning and joy in the journey toward those goals. That way, if your life ended suddenly, you wouldn't feel like it was wasted. The key takeaway from this book is that no matter what you do, it's inevitable that some people won't like you. Therefore, the only way to find lasting happiness is to accept this reality and have the courage to live a life you believe is good, regardless of other people's opinions. This is why it's crucial to let go of the need for approval and develop the courage to be disliked.