Paul Myrehaug | Stand Up Comedy Special (Snowed In Comedy Tour 2024)

Alright Vancouver, welcome your next comedian tonight with thunderous applause, it's Paul Myhre! Thank you very much Vancouver. Hi, how's it going? Yeah! If you don't know me, my name is Paul. About 12 years ago I moved to Europe, everybody, and I live in France with my wife. Ooh! Did you guys know when Americans travel to Europe, quite often what they'll do is they'll sew a Canadian flag to their backpack, that way the Europeans treat them a little bit better. Did you know about that? Yeah, well as a Canadian living over there, that highly offends me, and just to let you guys know, I am fighting back, alright? What I do is I sew an American flag to my backpack, that way I can be a fucking asshole everywhere I go. Isn't that nice? Every Canadian in here, you have to try it, you have no idea how good it is to be an American for two weeks. You know, the world is unbelievable when they think you have a gun, it is so funny, it's great. You don't have to wait in line for anything in Europe anymore, you cut right to the front, right? If they get mouthy, you're like, shut your mouth Dutchie! Woo! In France, where I live, they despise Americans, they hate them, so what I do is I go to bakeries and I refuse to say the word croissant, I will not say that word, I call it a bakery taco and watch their fucking heads explode, that's what I do. That's amazing. Hey Frenchie, how many American dollars is that bakery taco? Ha ha ha ha! Euro, you're about to get punched in the goddamn mouth Frenchie! I went to the Vatican 24 hours, it was the best day of my life as an American, I heckled all day long, I'm like, there's only one Jesus and that's Donald Trumpety! USA! USA! I took it one too far, Vancouver, I get it, I get it, okay. Should have left it at bakery taco, you're right. It's nice to see you guys. I miss it here, I miss paying taxes in Canada, that's what I miss. I love Canadian taxes. We're so optimistic about everything, you ever finish your meeting with your accountant and they'll say something like, hey buddy, just to let you know, you have $56,000 of RRSP contribution room, just to let you know about that. So it sounds like you guys are like me, you're like, what does that mean, what are those words? They might as well say, hey, just to let you know, Cameron Diaz is single, you can try to bang her now if you want to. Just go to Los Angeles and find her, I'm sure it'll be good. It's unattainable is what I'm saying young lady! She doesn't want to bang me. It is nice to see young people in the crowd, hey? Yeah, yeah, right on! Good, I love young people. That might have been the creepiest thing I've ever said into a microphone. I do like young people. I'm supposed to be good at social media like you young people. For my career, I'm terrible at social media. The thing that pisses me off the most right now are these young people, they quit their jobs, they sell all their possessions and they go live in a van. Do you guys know those people? The van people? Yep, I don't like van people, I hate van people, okay? Because in my generation, that was not something you strive for, okay? That wasn't a life goal. That's what happened to your creepy uncle when he lost the court case. That is a van person, okay? And they're never honest about their lives. You know, they always set up the camera inside the van and they give it a little wink for Instagram and then they open the van doors to show you the view for the day. And of course they're on top of a mountain and their dog, Sunflower, is hopping through a meadow. You know what I mean, right? Then they'll say something stupid to the camera like, Whoa, that view just fucking hits different. Hashtag van life. And this bullshit, maybe that's one day a year they're doing that. I just wish they were honest where they open up those van doors and they're in a Walmart parking lot. That's exactly what they are. They're like, that's the bucket I shit in, that's my shit bucket. That's Gary the Greeter. What's up Gary? Currently I'm banging Gary for free Doritos. That's what I'm up to. Gary just fucks different. Hashtag Greeter69. That's not a popular hashtag, is it young lady? You don't see that on TikTok. What a great crowd. Oh yeah. I wish I was an Asian, you know? You guys ever wish that? Is there any Asians in here? Let's hear you Asians. Yeah. All right. I love you Asians. You guys are great. I want to change teams. I want to be an Asian. Even when you die, some of your cultures, it sounds amazing. You get spiritual enlightenment. Doesn't that sound nice? Did you catch my last name when I came up here? It's Meyerhag. It's Norwegian. It's actually pronounced Mierhag. In Norway, my last name literally translates into wet Viking burial ground. That's what my last name means. If we're going by lineage, guess where I get to go when I die? Valhalla. That's where I'm headed. If you don't know Valhalla, it's full of Vikings and you wake up every day and you fight to the death. That's what you do. And if you die, don't worry about it. You wake up the next day and fight to the death again. That's really fun if you're a Viking, but I am from fucking Edmonton. I don't know how to do that. If there's not cocaine and Jack Daniels up there, I'm screwed. I don't know how to fight. Vikings are raised from birth to be warriors. I was on the junior golf team and I'm allergic to penicillin. That's where I'm at, everybody. Viking. Here's a good example of how un-Viking I am. We're in Vancouver. You would know if you live here, if you have underground parking, you can't just pull your car in and park immediately. That's not the rule in Vancouver. What you got to do is pull in a little ways, stop immediately and wait for the gate to close behind you. So no vagabonds can sneak in underneath and cause mischief in the park, right? So I'm here in town and I pull my car in, stop immediately. The gate is closing and out of nowhere, this guy just went. And the gate closed. And now I'm basically locked in Meth Head Ball Hollow. Here's where I am. And there's no further instructions. They don't tell you what to do, right? I'm terrified. This guy's out of his mind. He's like, cream corn biscuits. I had to give myself a pep talk in the mirror in my car. I was like, what are you worried about? You can kick this guy out of here. You're a Viking. You're a goddamn Viking. Be a Viking. So with all the confidence I could muster, I went out of my car, walked up to him, said, excuse me, sir. I don't know if you can read that sign, but it says I'm responsible for damages done to cars down here. So I'm going to ask you to get out of here politely at your own pace, if you wouldn't mind. And his response was, does it look like I give a fuck? And I said, no. So I spent the next 40 minutes of my life helping him sort out the recycling. That's what I did, everybody. That's what I did. Viking. He had a BMX bike with cardboard boxes attached to it. We filled up the boxes with beer cans, and I opened up the gate and sent him off down the lane. Like meth head Santa, down he went the lane. He was on methadone, on fentanyl, he said. That's a fun one. I sure am a lucky man. I get to do this all over the world. I was in Manchester this year. That is my favorite city in the UK. Yeah, Manchester. If you ever find yourself in Manchester, here's what you got to do. You got to go early in the morning down to the canals and go for a jog along the canals. It's absolutely stunning. So 6 a.m., I'm making my way down to the canals, and I am one of those idiots in life. At a traffic light, when I'm jogging, I will jog in one place as to not let the heart rate go down. Okay? You've seen this out there. I'm at the light doing my douchebag dance. And I'm just going to tell you exactly what happened. Word for word. This is what happened. A sex worker approached me from this angle. 6 in the morning. And she started yelling at me. She was like, oi, oi, oi! And I was terrified and took out my earbud and was like, hello, madam. And she caught my accent. She was like, oh, oh! American! And I was like, oh, that's funny. I sound like an American, but I'm actually Canadian. Just a little further north. And her response was, Canadian? Bleh! Small dick! And then the light turned green and I ran away. That's exactly what happened. Now I thought that was going to be the end of that transaction in my life. Okay? I thought it was over. But you have to understand, I had a long run ahead of me. I was out there for an hour and I found myself not being able to forget what had just transpired. All right? Over and over in my head. It really got to my soul. I was like, small dick. I think I'm fine. I have a medium man dick. I have a man dick. And where does it matter where you're born about your dick size? That makes no sense at all. You know? Okay, I'm Canadian. It's cold. It sneaks in there every once in a while. I understand that. I get it. I get the February turtle every now and then. But what the hell does she know about my dick? And I think that's what bothered me. If you think about it, she knows quite a lot about dicks. Doesn't she, everybody? She's the sex worker. She's basically a cocksommelier, isn't she? She's had dicks from around the world. This is an earthy Canadian blend. This one is a peppery, small Albertan, I can tell by the notes. Anyway, there's no ending to that one. I just want the Canadian men in here to be self-conscious about their dicks. For the rest of your lives. Oh, that was a spicy one, wasn't it? I just told that joke in front of my mother! Yeah! I love you, mom and dad. They must be so proud. That was a kinky joke. Are you guys kinky people? You like the kinks? Oh, yeah. I've been thinking about kinks a lot lately. You ever think about this? Who was the first human in history to ever realize they had a kink? Do you know what I mean about that? Because when we were cave people, I bet you sex was probably pretty meat and potatoes out there. You know what I mean? Not a lot crazy going on. Probably just doggies. They didn't have dogs. Wolfie style. Whatever the hell they were up to in the cave. You know what I mean? When was the first human ever to realize it? It was when we were building the pyramid. Somebody got whipped and they were like, Well, that wasn't too bad. What about the gag ball? When did that come to the picture? You know? A couple of guys playing racquetball together. Somebody got tagged in the throat. Came immediately. You guys ever think about that? I think about that a lot. In fact, in researching this joke, what I did is I decided to go on the internet and find the craziest kink I could. On the internet. Which I don't suggest. Don't do that. Don't go home. I had to talk to the police. But I think I found it. There's a kink out there and it's called figging, everybody. And if you're a figger, what you like is a slice of ginger inserted into your asshole. That's what you like, everybody. Yeah, I'm just as shocked as you. When did we come up with that? That is a sushi party that went way off the rails. You know what I mean? That is a palate cleanser if I've ever heard of one. Well, I'm excited. Looks like in a couple of years we're going to call an election in this country. I think I'm old enough. I'm going to move home and throw my hat in the ring. I'm going to be prime minister of this goddamn joint. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. I'm not even a comedian here. I'm just here to talk to you about a few of the platforms I will be campaigning on. And you can decide to vote for me or not, okay? But day one, first day I'm prime minister, what I'm going to do is the province of Quebec, I will be giving that to America. Number one, thank you. Thank you very much. A couple of boos. Number two, for every ten minutes Air Canada is delayed, the pilot does a Jagger bomb. That is my second thing. Spice things up a little out there, right? The third thing I'm going to do, Ottawa, the capital city, no longer going to be the capital city. I will be removing it from Ottawa and I will be gifting it to Red Deer, Alberta is the new capital. Which sounds crazy, but hear me out. It's just in case they want to have another one of those trucker rallies, they don't got to drive too fucking far. You know what I mean? They're already home. They can just drive around, honk their horns for a little while. You know what I mean? Think of the fuel I'm saving, everybody. And the last thing I'm going to do in Canada, when you're at a cashier and they're finished ringing through your items, I'm going to make it illegal for that cashier to ask you to donate to fucking anything anymore. Here's what I'm going to do, okay? Because I don't know about you guys, but I'm running out of excuses out there day to day to not look like an asshole. You know what I mean? Just today, they're like, do you want to give a dollar to Jump Rope for Heart? I was like, no, I was jumping rope earlier this afternoon. I don't want to overdo it. I had a weird one at London Drugs. I was there, the lady ahead of me was ringing through a bunch of items, alright? She wanted to pay with her debit card. She tapped her debit and it was declined, alright? So they took away a couple of items, she tapped again, declined. Took away a couple of more, tapped again, declined. You get the idea. Eventually, it got down to two items left, alright? There was a large bag of Cadbury mini eggs, which is fun. And a home pregnancy test was the other item, okay? That's quite a Sophie's Choice, isn't it, everybody? All of us in the lineup were like, whoa! What are we going to do? Is she going to enjoy some eggs or find out if hers are fertilized? What are we going to do? I actually did the gentlemanly thing. I jumped in and I said I would like to pay for your items this evening. She was quite moved, even close to tears. And she actually asked me out on a date, everybody. And I was like, I'm going to need to know the result of that test. Anyway, I just thought you guys might want to know how I met my wife. It's been seven years. I'm trying to be a better person for Cecile, my partner. In fact, I actually addressed anxiety. I suffered from anxiety my whole life and I decided to talk to a professional. Now, the professional said I had anxiety because I don't sleep well at night and it compounds during the day. And they prescribed me a bizarre thing called ASMR, everybody. And if you don't know what ASMR is, don't be embarrassed, I did not. It's basically YouTube videos of people gently whispering and you feel tingly wearing noise cancellation headphones and you fall asleep immediately, all right? So I got home and I googled ASMR and the first thing that came up was a small Asian lady named Ting Ting, all right? And you guys know how much I love Asians. I started to listen to Ting Ting every night and it was amazing. I was getting to sleep right away, I was less anxious, I didn't tell my wife about it because it's fucking creepy. Eventually, like every other asshole that tries to hide something from their partner, I was caught, all right? My wife came to kiss me on the cheek goodnight and Ting Ting was on the screen of my phone. And she saw Ting Ting and she was like, who is that? And I was like, yeah, that's Ting Ting. And she's like, what is a Ting Ting? And I was like, yeah, Ting Ting is a small Asian lady that whispers to me while I sleep at night. You don't got to worry about Ting Ting. Cecile is Mediterranean, she's very fiery, she snapped immediately. She was like, what the hell? You can't listen to her, the last voice you'd hear is my voice, not Ting Ting. Who the hell is Ting Ting? And then I got my, I was like, well, I don't care about Ting Ting. I just need whispering, the doctor said whispering, pick it up. Anyway, my anxiety is back. Because what Cecile did, she decided to create her own ASMR recording for me to listen to. And it's just too personal, you know? She's like, never put my wool sweater in the dryer again. I will never put a piece of ginger in your asshole. So that's fun. I got offered a fancy gig this year, friends. I went to the country of Kuwait, which was very exciting for me. The fun thing about this gig is it included first class airfare. And I'd never been up there before. I was plum tickled, right? I showed up early. I got in a suit and a tie. I sat down and the gentleman beside me, another first class passenger, was a real chatty Cathy, all right? He wanted to talk. I did not want to talk to him because there's too much going on. Jack Daniels, champagne flying around. So I don't know if you do this, but as comedians, when we don't want to talk to somebody and they ask us what we do for a living, we will lie about our career, all right? Because comedian, it brings up a lot of follow-up questions. Like, oh my God, do I know you from TV? Do you know Jerry Seinfeld? Can we be friends? So I was in the moment and dressed up and it just fell out of my mouth. I said, I'm a doctor of medicine and I'm on my way to Kuwait to be a keynote speaker in a conference. If you wouldn't mind, I have some work to do. And it worked. He never talked to me again. Now, four hours into the flight, there was a horrible announcement on the plane. Okay. Yep, some of you guys are ahead of me. I appreciate that. They said, there's a medical emergency on board. Is there a doctor available on the plane? All right. Now I froze and just stared straight ahead at my screen. All right. I could feel this guy burning a hole into my temple with excitement. He was like, they need a doctor. You're a doctor. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Now at that point, I should have just come clean with my shitty lie, you know? But I did not. I found myself standing up and walking towards the back of the plane. Okay. Now my plan was, I'm just going to go to the bathroom and wait there for 20 minutes and hopefully he fucking dies, was the plan. But you guys have to understand, as I was walking back to the plane, I could see the faces of the passengers looking up at me. It was amazing. They had wonderment in their eyes, you know? They were like, oh, here comes the doctor from first class, dressed up in a suit to save the day. And my shoulders grew higher and my confidence grew. And I don't know how to explain this, but within that walk, I fucking became a doctor. I was a doctor. Okay. Now, I got to the back of the plane to the galley. The patient was laying in the galley. What was going on? They had a hemorrhaging nosebleed. It seemed like pints of blood coming out of there. I knew I was out of my league immediately because when I saw the blood, I went, ah! But I've always seen on TV that the doctor gets very close to the patient, right? So I knelt down and I just had to have an honest moment with him. I was like, listen, pal, we're in a bit of a pickle, you and I. I'm not a doctor, I'm a comedian caught in a shitty lie. And his response was, do you know Jerry Seinfeld? It was amazing. We shared a good laugh. I thought it was over. Now, when the flight lands, you know the pilot always comes out of the cockpit to receive congratulations, right? So I'm walking towards him. We make eye contact. He is glaring daggers through me. And when I got to him, he pulled me aside like I was going to the principal's office, all right? He said, young man, I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to alert the authorities or not, all right? I'm not going to do that to you. We are in Kuwait, but you put a man's life in danger today. You're a comedian. You may think that's funny, but I think you're a fucking asshole. And I've never been more ashamed in my life. A joke went too far, finally, and I didn't know what to do. I was staring at my shoes, and then I remembered. I pointed to the American flag on my backpack. I was like, fucking lick my ass, fly boy! Woo! Vancouver, I love you guys. You're so much fun. Thank you very much for supporting us. We'll see you again, cheers. Thank you very much.