Never EVER Name Your Child This | Jason Manford: Live (2011) | Universal Comedy

It is good fun. You've got to be careful with babies. You've got to be careful with, like, naming children. That's hard, naming children. I've got a friend who's recently had a little boy, and he's called him. I'm going to go from your reaction here to tell me if this is wrong, okay? He's called his little baby Barry. We're all on the same hymn sheet here. Now, that is no longer a viable name for a baby in 2011, okay? Now, do we have any Barrys in the room? We've got a female Barry as well. That's unfortunate. You really, really had a bit of bad luck there, love. Barry. We've got a Barry. How old are you, Barry? Can you shout that out? 40? There you go. Did he say 40? I think he said 40. We're going to say 40. 40, I think he said as well. 40 years old, and as you all know, that is the correct age of a Barry. That is the right age of a Barry. Barry is 40. Barry is not six weeks old in 2011, is he? That name has had its day, okay? It's gone. Some old names come back, don't they? Alfie, Charlie, Harry. They're old names. They're cool again. Barry's not coming back. Take it out of the book. Nobody will miss it. Only Barry's checking what their name means from time to time. That's it, gone. Barry's gone. I'll tell you some others. Malcolm, gone. Keith. These names have gone. My favourite, Jeff. Jeff. That would be fun. Imagine someone's walking down the street with a buggy. Ah, what's he called? Jeff. Walking around here again. Barry. I went into that maternity ward. I picked this baby up. I said, oh, he's beautiful. What have you called him? Do you know what I did, though? I was surrounded by his family. What can you do in that scenario? I said the same thing every person in this room says. I went, hey, he looks like a Barry as well, doesn't he? No, he doesn't, because he's not 40, is he? We do all sorts. We go swimming as well. That's quite good fun. I don't know if you take your kids swimming. Does anyone know who the kid is who keeps biting the floats? Does anyone know who this kid is? It's starting to wind me up a little bit, to be honest. You go along, there's always teeth marks in them. We're going swimming. God, I'm starving. Pack it in. That's a Barry. That's who that is. Your house is awash of kids' toys. Thousands of them. Things you've not even bought. Noisy toys as well. No parent, after about six months, buys their kids noisy toys. Only other people buy you noisy toys. Birthday comes up. I got them my first piano. Oh, well done, dickhead. That sounds great, yeah. We've got this one bear. It's like a puppy. It's got blue ears and a red heart. It goes off randomly throughout the day. I don't know where it is in the house. If he's sat watching telly, it'll just go, I'm your friend. It's hidden. That's not something a friend would do. The phrase isn't long enough for me to track it down either. I'll be watching telly. I'm your friend. Was that near the couch? Was that near the couch? But his other phrase is worse. It goes, peekaboo. I see you. Now, that's all right in the day. That bothers. Sometimes I don't even hear it. I'll tell you something. A few weeks ago, two o'clock in the morning, house is empty, pitch black. I've got up for a wee. I've just watched Paranormal Activity. The batteries are going on the bastard thing. I've just heard, peekaboo. I see you. Honourable thing. Honourable thing. We get up. We get up every morning. We go downstairs. We watch kids telly. Kids telly has changed. It's changed. These presenters are the happiest people you've ever met in your life now. Quarter to five in the morning, like, morning! You're like, all right, mate, whoa. If I can still see the moon at eight in the morning in this house, all right. Rain it in a bit. Morning, kids. Hey kids, if I've got three sheep in that field and three sheep in that field, how many sheep have I got? And now they start leaving a pause at the end for you to answer at home. And out of my lot, I'm the only one who can talk. I started feeling the pressure to answer that question. I'm stood with kids going, six. Piece of piss, this. Ask me another. Ask me another. I was thinking, are they always that happy, the kids TV presenters, even afterwards when they go to the pub late at night? Hey, John, I'm going to the bar. Do you want a pint? Later on, a few pints in. Hey, I broke up with my girlfriend last night. It's not right, is it? It's not right. The only way as an adult to get through kids telly is to add some sort of adult subtext to what's going on on the screen. This is dead simple, this. If you've got kids or you're thinking about having them, you're watching kids programs all the time. They're only about 10 minutes long and they're boring. The one-dimensional are boring, right? All you have to do is turn it into a little bit of a soap opera for yourself. Some are easier than others. Bob the Builder, all you have to do is imagine at some point Bob tried it on with Wendy, right? At a family party or something. Tried it on. She said, no, you've had too much to drink. He's gone, well, come on, it's only frigid, right? He's gone for it. She said, no means no. Even cartoon worlds, right? He's gone, whatever. He's done one. He slept in his van that night, right? Now, every time I watch this show, I'm watching it thinking, hmm, I was a bit awkward on it, right? No, it wasn't. I've created this world in me head. Now, I thought I was the only one doing this and I've decided to share my theory with me dad. You know, sometimes you forget that your dad's not your mate, right? And he's sat in the other room, the telly's come on. We watch one called Handy Manny. It's like on Playhouse Disney. The kids love it, right? My dad's sat there and it's mental, this show. He's a handyman. He goes into Kelly's hardware shop every day. He buys all the stuff he needs for the job in hand. Yet Cash never changes hands between these two hardware professionals. It's pretty suspect, to be honest. So I've obviously come to the logical conclusion, something's going on. He pops back after work when his tools are asleep. He's got talking tools, that's not important. But he goes back in and he pays Kelly in kind, little stockroom shuffle, right? That's my theory. So now when I watch it and they come out, I think, you dirty bastard.