The One Person Oprah Couldn't Forgive | Oprah Winfrey | Goalcast

How do you pray for somebody who you feel has really, really harmed you? So what? It's easy to sit there with the anger and the toxicity and the bitterness. That's easy. Oprah and her mom didn't have the best relationship. She left little Oprah behind in Mississippi when she moved to Milwaukee. You have in your own mind where the mother should be and what you wanted your mother to be. And in many cases, your mothers and your fathers can't be what your ideal is. What do you think is the biggest gift that you've given your daughter? I loved her the way that she loves people's style. We didn't have a strong relationship. She never knew me. She never really knew who I was. The love that we're seeing Oprah give the universe really was born out of your love for her. Right. My mother and I had a complicated relationship. It wasn't until I became a famous Oprah Winfrey that I felt that she was even interested in seeing me. I remember the first night entering into that house and being told that I wouldn't be able to sleep with my mother and I wouldn't be able to sleep inside the house. It was because of the color of my skin. I don't know how I knew that, but I did. I went through a real period of self-discovery because you have to find other reasons for appreciating yourself. It's certainly not your looks. My grandmother was a maid. That's all she ever knew. Many times my grandmother would whip me with switches. She would braid the switches together and I'd get a whipping. And then in the middle of whipping me, she'd say, stop your crying, stop your crying. And I'd get whipped until I would stop crying. And then afterwards, she would say, you better wipe that pout off of your face. You better put a smile on your face. So you'd have to now act as though the beating that you just had didn't happen. I realized that that pain of not being able to express the emotion, that would be a huge pain body that I would end up carrying. When I was separated from my grandmother and sent to live with my mother at six years old, I suddenly land in a place that's completely foreign to me. I don't know anybody. I don't really even know my mother. I walked into that space feeling completely alone and abandoned with no explanation of why I was being sent away. I remember the first night entering into that house and being told that I wouldn't be able to sleep with my mother and I wouldn't be able to sleep inside the house. But there was a little foyer porch before you actually got inside the house. And I was put outside to sleep there. I later realized it was because it was the color of my skin. And my mother was boarding with this very light-skinned black woman who could pass for white. And I could tell instantly when I walked in the room that she didn't like me. It was because of the color of my skin. I don't know how I knew that, but I did. Years later, Oprah continues to be judged and criticized for her appearance. The sister news director came to me and said, you know, your hair is too long, it's too thick, your eyes are too far apart, your nose is too wide, your chin's too long, and you need to do something about it. I went through a real period of self-discovery because you have to find other reasons for appreciating yourself. It's certainly not your looks. My name is Oprah Winfrey. Oprah, spelled O-P-R-A-H. And if you noticed, it's Harpo spelled backwards. So this show that's just getting underway nationally. It's going to do, it'll do well. And if it doesn't? And if it doesn't, I'm not defined by a show. You know, I think we are defined by the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat other people. You know, I would be wonderful to be, you know, acclaimed as this, you know, talk show host who's made it. That would be wonderful. But if that doesn't happen, there are, you know, other important things in my life. The moment I did that talk show, I felt like, oh, I can be myself. I felt like this is what I'm supposed to do. And that was August 14th, 1978. And that was the beginning of fulfilling the calling. My mother and I had a complicated relationship. It wasn't until I became the famous Oprah Winfrey that I felt that she was even interested in seeing me. I knew Oprah was going to be something. What do you think is the biggest gift that you've given your daughter? I loved her the way that she loves people's smiles. My mother, she never knew me on this side. She never really knew who I was. And I realized that I was the kind of child who was always searching for love and affection and attention and somebody to say, to look at me and say, yes, you are worthy. Oprah and her mom didn't have the best relationship. Years later, we're shocked to learn that Oprah had a half sister, Patricia Lee, whose existence had been kept secret from Oprah. Why didn't you want to own up to it? Well, because I thought it was a terrible thing for me to do. But I had done, gave up my daughter. You have in your own mind where the mother should be and what you wanted your mother to be. And in many cases, your mothers and your fathers can't be what your ideal is, isn't that correct? Yes, because they were broken when you got them. There are people amongst us like you and like me and many people in this room who are volumous. We are 10 gallon people, but we may have been born into families of people who have pint capacities. When you are a 10 gallon person and you want love, you want it on a 10 gallon level. But a pint person that they have sincerely giving you everything, but it doesn't fill you up because you're bigger than that. But you must realize some people, that's all they got. Five years later, Oprah is forced to confront her mother. My mother was dying. I got a call from my sister that she thought it was the end. So I hopped on a plane and I surprised my mother. And she's like sitting in this little room. It's like 80 degrees and she just watches TV all day. I sat with my mother and I said, I don't know if you're gonna make it. Do you think you're gonna make it? And she said, I don't think I am. And I had a conversation with her about what that felt like. I started telling all the people who cared about her, if you want to say goodbye, you should come and say goodbye. And then I left and I left knowing that that was going to be the last time. The next day I had a bunch of meetings in California and I canceled all of those meetings. And I went back to Milwaukee because I felt like I had not closed it. I wanted to make sure that I said everything I wanted to say. So I went back and I waited for a way to say what I wanted to say. And I was praying for a way in and I just walked in with my iPhone and something said, voice said, play some music. So I started playing some music and I could see that it opened her a little bit because my mother's been a very closed down person. And I could see that the music gave me an opening to say what I needed to say. And what I said was, thank you. As a young girl having a baby, no education, 17, you get pregnant with this baby. Lots of people would have told you to give that baby away. And you didn't do that. And I know that was hard. And I want you to know that no matter what, I know that you always did the best you knew how to do. I thank you for being the mother that you knew how to be. Even though many times it wasn't what I thought I needed. And I want you to know I bless you and I give you peace. And I want you to go in peace and to know I love you. I would say to anybody, say the things that you need to say while the people are still alive so that you are not one of those people living with regret about what you should have said. Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. You think forgiving means accepting what has happened to you. Well, it is accepting that it has happened to you. Not accepting that it was okay for it to happen. It is accepting that it has happened. When I got that, I think it took me to the next level of being a better person because I don't hold grudges for anything or any situation. And neither should you. It's letting go so that the past does not hold you prisoner. Forgiveness is like medicine, medicine that can heal your pain. It can bring you peace. And ultimately, this is what we want for all of you, to be free, to be free. If I had held on to all the things that happened to me in my childhood and in my life, I wouldn't be standing here today. We were taught to think that it is powerful to hold people hostage with what they did wrong. That's your power. That's how you get back. No, I didn't forget it. I'm strong and I'm tough. But it takes more strength to forgive than it does to be vengeful and angry. Forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. It does not justify their behavior. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.