Taylor Tomlinson on the Juicy Details from Martha Stewart’s New Documentary

I have always thought of Martha Stewart as the perfect blueprint of a housewife, but I just watched the new Netflix documentary about her. Turns out, she's a rich, horny felon, just like the rest of us. Eater just wrote this article listing the juiciest details from the doc. When talking about falling in love with her first husband, Martha said, I had never slept with anybody before this. He was very aggressive, and I liked it. Martha! I thought you were all about piping perfect little icing flowers onto cakes. I didn't know your cake was also getting piped down. We're edgy. We're edgy here. I mean, next time I see one of those ads online that say beautiful billionaire cougars in your area, I'm gonna click on it. Now those angels were real. Her first marriage, unfortunately, did not end well. Here's a clip of her talking about their issues. If you're married and you think you're happily married and your husband starts to cheat on you, he's a piece of s***. And look at him, it's a piece of s***. Get out of it. Get out of that marriage. But I couldn't do that. Couldn't walk away. Didn't you have an affair early on in the relationship or when you were a couple? Um, uh, yeah, but I don't think Andy ever knew about that. He did say he knew about it. He did? Yes, you would confess to him. Oh. He says he didn't stray from the marriage until you told him you had already strayed. Oh, that's not true. I don't think. But what happened? You had an affair. I had a very brief affair with a very attractive Irish man. Did it? Didn't you have an affair? That's different. Mine was hot. Like, what was I supposed to do? He had an accent. I didn't do it to him. I did it for me. It's different. It's empowered. And she elaborates further. There's nothing. There's nothing. That was not convincing at all. If you ask someone a question about their affair and they do this. They're having a sex flashback. Martha attributes her failed relationships to her discomfort with emotions, which makes sense. Just watch her on the Drew Barrymore show. What makes you soft and gooey though? What makes me soft and gooey? Soft and gooey. Yeah. Soft and gooey treatment. When you're treated like a lady. Someone someone comes in and. You're the wrong gender. I know. You're the wrong gender. What are you, America right now? I've never seen someone so put off by intimacy. This is the human equivalent of trying to pet your friend's cat. When I was on Drew's show, she touched me one time and look at my face. I had vaguely remembered that Martha Stewart went to prison, but I didn't know the details. I figured it was some typical mom thing, like a multi-level marketing scam. But I do remember how badly they treated her in the press, though. And apparently so does she. Talking about her court case, she says. New York Post lady was there just looking so smug. She had written horrible things during the entire trial. She's dead now. Thank goodness. She doesn't have to. Nobody has to put up with that crap that she was writing all the time. The journalist in question is called Andrea Pacer. And spoiler alert, she's not dead. The New York Times said, I'm alive, bitch. Having a rumor that your enemy is dead is awesome. This one had to say in the press. Hi, by the way, I'm alive, bitch. Leave it to Martha Stewart to create the first ever Netflix true crime documentary that brings a woman back from the dead. The doc showed that Martha was accused of insider trading. And get this, the person in charge of the investigation was James Comey. If you don't remember him, he's the guy who also led the Hillary Clinton emails case. Yeah, this guy is targeting successful blonde businesswomen harder than Lululemon. I mean, if he wants to catch one so bad, he shouldn't work at the FBI. He should just go be a mall cop at Nordstrom's. Obviously, Martha did make the most of her prison time. It is one of the most beautiful, if I do say so myself, crashes, minus the hut. But this beautiful bunch of figurines I actually made when I was at Alderson. She made a nativity scene. Out of ceramics in jail. Yeah, because if you're Martha Stewart, you don't leave prison empty handed. That's rude. She's like, what else was I supposed to do in there? Feel remorse? Of course I made a baby Jesus. She doesn't have to worry about prison anymore, though, especially now that Matt Gaetz is attorney general. Because as we all know, he doesn't pay attention to women over 18. But it was weird at first that a guy nominated for such a big, important job goes by Matt. But it's probably because if he went by Matthew, people might realize he was an adult. Perhaps my favorite part about this entire documentary is how petty Martha is. It was so horrifying to me that I had to go through that to be a trophy for these idiots in the U.S. attorney's office. Those prosecutors should have been put in a Cuisine Art and turned on hot. Cuisine Art? She's being so Martha Stewart, even about saying we should kill them. She's like, they should be rolled flat, left to chill, cut into little stars and baked at 350 for 20 minutes. And if you're following along at home with your own enemy, make sure to use a very sharp knife. After watching this documentary, I want to be just like Martha Stewart, an intelligent, complicated woman who should be allowed to do crimes and have affairs.