James Troup - Set 00001.

Next up, we have the wonderful and funny James Trout. What up, what up, what up, y'all? It's about to get real black in this motherfucker. But wait a minute, wait a minute, not too black because I did graduate from college. So don't set your expectations too high. So, since everybody is sharing all the intimate stuff about their life, I want to tell y'all, wasn't that funny? I want to tell y'all some intimate stuff about my life, okay? Okay, so back in college, I want to tell y'all about the very first time a girl gave me an STD. Yeah, uh-huh, and how it was my daddy's fault. Yeah, so here's the thing, I want to rewind y'all back to see, I went to therapy, okay? And my therapist made me realize something really important. I'm ugly under this beard. Yeah, beard has really done wonders for me. And see, I've been ugly all my life and I didn't realize it. And that's the reason that I had such a hard time getting women. And I didn't understand because I'm a hopeless romantic. I mean, a nigga favorite movie is Titanic. And I followed all the instruction manuals on getting women. Old school R&B music. Yeah, old school R&B music said, write love letters, check. Pull out chairs, check. Make love all night long, check. Don't recommend that one. Shit, even at 19 in college, I was serenading women, giving them my best Barry White. I'll take good care of you. Cause that's what a 19-year-old man with no job living at home is supposed to do. Yep. And you know what the love of my life gave me? Green dick snot. Yep, that's what it looks like. That's what chlamydia looks like in the morning when you squeeze it out. It's like, yeah, I'm sorry. That's just what it is. But I'm not bitter or anything because I went to therapy and my therapist made me realize some things about the girl who gave me chlamydia and accountability and myself. That it was indeed all my daddy's fault. Because I lacked boundaries. I didn't know how to establish boundaries. And that's the reason why she gave me so many STDs. And it was because my daddy never taught me how to fight. Yeah, my daddy never taught me how to fight. We grew up in the same household together. But imagine living in the same household with your daddy, but not having a daddy. But your brother and sister had a daddy, but you didn't. That was the kind of relationship that we had. So we didn't really have too many bonding moments. Every time I would get into a fight and start getting my ass whooped, which was almost immediately, now that I think about it, he would call me in the house. He would be like, boy. My daddy was country and he called me boy from the time I was ages 0 to 16. Don't ask me why. Boy, if you don't get your tail in this darn house, I'm going to whoop you so hard you can sing a song. Oh, really? Okay. So number one, you're on their side. And number two, which song am I going to sing? Papa was a rolling stone. Oh, that one hit too hard for you since you didn't show up until I was two years old. But we're not going to talk about that. But so, because of that, I had a really hard time bonding with other males and things like that. And so I missed a lot of male lessons that you're supposed to learn. Like man whoring. Because if I had learned man whoring, I would have learned that the reason that I got cheated on in college so much is because you women want all that chivalrous stuff. But you don't want that shit till you're 35. You literally don't. Like because seriously, in college, every dude is trying to be a man whore. And if we're being honest, every girl is trying to be a man's whore too. Because I mean, shit. Y'all can laugh at that shit. Y'all know how y'all was in college. Like I was the only one who got chlamydia in college. And so anyway, like I said, it was all my daddy's fault. He never taught me how to fight. And so we never had a lot of bonding moments. But we did bond over one thing in particular that's very special to my heart. His porn collection. Yeah. Mm-hmm. My daddy's porn collection showed me the apex of sexual desirability for humanity. Old white women. Mm-hmm. Yep. I am a strong black man and my weakness is old white women. But see, here's the thing. It's cool dating older women when you're 20. Because older women were like 40, right? But now I'm almost 50. And Martha Stewart is pushing 80. So hey, Martha Stewart, I love you, call me. And here's the thing. I just don't really know if I'm ready to see that much gray coochie hair. Because I'm not really familiar with it. And it's like when it gets wet, it probably looks like a mop and you just gotta wring it out. Yeah, that's just too much. And so that's my daddy's fault because he never taught me how to fight. And so that's the reason that I'm a 47-year-old unmarried college-educated man with no kids whose rent is due on Tuesday. And so I'm about to slang some dick at the bar to any old white women who want to come make an arrangement. Y'all, my name is James True. Thank you for your time. Ah-ha-la.