How José Mourinho Helped Kevin Bridges Lose Weight | The Overdue Catchup| Universal Comedy

My weight loss journey probably started on the telly. I played in a charity football game, like Soccer Aid, the ITV show. And it was the rest of the world against England, right, ex-footballers and celebrities. And I was quite excited, this was back when I was a big fella, right, I was a portly lad. But I was invited to play for the rest of the world, and Jose Mourinho, he's the manager. And I was told, I was told I was going to get five minutes on the pitch, Old Trafford in front of 70,000, live on the telly, millions watching at home. I'm quite excited, the football fans among you will know that five minutes on the pitch probably implies you're going to get brought on at minute 85. So I'm on the dugout, on the subs' bench, just chilling, the game's going on. Then it gets to minute 60, on the clock, minute 60, Jose Mourinho turns and tells me to go and start warming up. I'm thinking, fuck me, I'm getting half an hour on this pitch. No, that's it, Kev, the gaffer must have seen something in training. Getting down the stairs, I break into this jog alongside the advertising boards. Whoa, Kev, keep a bit in the tank, man. 30 minutes, you'll take a clutcher here. I'm just standing, trying to remember some stretches from PE at school. Just settling for that, bastard. Then I get shouted back up, then I get brought on the pitch, and then five minutes later, I get brought straight back off the pitch, subbed on, subbed off, humiliated on national telly, and then I stupidly checked the Twitter comments, and the vile trolls had fat-shamed me. They had made a video with the Benny Hill theme tune, in fast-forward mode of me jogging on, my tits bouncing through my jersey, trying to control the pass, and then jogging straight back off again. I was fat-shamed, and it motivated me to get in shape, then as soon as I lose a bit of weight, you can no longer fat-shame people. So, that is a miscarriage of justice for somebody who'd done 28 years of their life as a fat bastard. The body positive movement can fuck you up. I done 28 years for a crime, and upon my release, I find out it's no longer a crime. That's what I went through. I'm trying to stay relatively fit. Once you become a parent, you need to try and work on getting a few years towards the end. That's all I can hope for. Just try to keep a couple of stone and a savings account for later in life. I tried at the gym. What was that? Somebody's translating. Thank you. We've got somebody here to interpret for whatever the fuck he just said there. What did he say? Fair play to my eyesight. Do you understand that? No? Okay. Fair play to my eyesight. Even he's shrugging his shoulders. He literally just done that as if he's managed to confuse himself there. Is there a bag of spice getting passed about that balcony? The fuck? Fair play to your eyesight. What do you mean? Wow. This is why we record the special here. It's a bit mental. Good people. I was going to ask you your name, mate, but that's maybe a bit too advanced. So... That's good. Anyway. What was I talking? The gym. The gym. That's it. How old are you, mate? The guy in the white jumper there. 19. That's it. The youth. What's your name? Owen. Oran. Oran. Oran. Is that O-R-A-N? O-D-H-R-A-N. Oh, for fuck's sake, man. This is like deal or no deal. I could have went to anybody there and I somehow hit the fucking quarter of a million boxes. Say how you spell it again. O-D-H-R-A-N. O-D-H-R... D-H is silent. D-H is silent. Alright. So, Oran. Is that enough if I just call you Oran? Good, man. Wow. Just do shut up. This will blow your mind. Yeah, because this is a fucking quantum physics lecture now. But why would the letter be silent? I don't know, mate. It's just the way it is. Calm down. Oran. Oran. What I'm saying is, the young, the generation, the youth, you take the gym, you take the gym serious. This new breed of young people, they make the gym a hostile environment for somebody like myself who's just in for a bit of physical and mental maintenance. The youth, they no longer drink as much. They no longer smoke hash. They no longer snuff glue. The youth, the Instagram generation, they're straight in with the protein shakes on the steroids in the octagon with their wee skintight hotpants. 69 on their best mate. These wee trained assassins. They're everywhere. These gym fiends carrying these big water, but the ridiculous-sized water containers. Every city centre I've been in recently, these young guys are swaggering through. I know you're supposed to drink three litres of water a day, but you don't need to carry it in the one container. Call centre-sized water dispensers. You want to say, excuse me, mate, how long did you intend to spend away from a running tap this afternoon? What, are you travelling 40 miles to the nearest village to fill that up every morning? That's where I went. And I was at a class in the gym. See, I don't know exercises. Like, the gym to my generation used to be, you go on the treadmill for five minutes. For as long as insomnia by Faithless lasted, you would maybe speed it up towards the end. Then you would do a couple of them, and then sauna, steam room, vending machine, home. That was the gym. But now the kids have got programmes. Got a programme, man. Got a programme. Strength goals. Strength goals, man. A programme. And I went to the class, and the guy's telling everybody the circuits to follow, and he's shouting out exercises I'd never fucking heard of in my life. He's going, we're going to start off with one minute. One minute of Bulgarian bag spins. One minute of Russian split squats. One minute of Romanian deadlifts. I'm thinking, do you have any exercises which originated in a happy country? None of this was designed to help anybody's mental health, mate. These are all the products of brutal Soviet regimes. And we're paying ten quid to a capitalist to attend a Gulag on a Saturday morning. And I'd never done, I'd never done a squat before. For those of you unfamiliar, the squat, it's on the Instagram. Wellness, fitness, influencers. It looks good, the squat, but there's a dark side to the squat that they don't tell you about. And I learned this in a painful manner. In a painful and degrading and humiliating manner.