Break Free From Reactive Parenting and Embrace Proactive Parenting - Katie Millar Wirig

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I love bringing truth to the youth and I share a lot of thought-provoking insight to help teens and tweens realize their identity is not based off Hollywood, the media, celebrities, lyrics to songs, or video game scores. Help me help them understand their full potential is in Christ. Once again, to donate, just go to counterculturemom.com, click on the pink donate button at the top. Thanks again from the Counterculture Ministries team. Creating a happy and an emotionally healthy teenager begins with interactions with the parents. The parenting machine reveals the keys to transforming your relationship with your adolescent children. Teenagers are a maze of emotions and many parents are throwing up their arms wondering what happened to their sweet, obedient child. Right now, I have to say I'm part of that camp. Perfect timing for this series. Taking it back to the basics, mother and educator Katie Millar Wierig demonstrates how to implement tried and true principles that will ensure results. Break free from reactive parenting by focusing on topics such as how to have hard conversations, how to build reciprocal trust, and preventing emotional burnout in your teens. Using real life experiences from parents and educators alike. Those who apply these principles will happier and more peaceful homes. Let's do this people. Tina Griffin here for another jam-packed episode of the Counterculture Mom Show. Thank you for joining us today. Sit back, relax as we take this baby into high gear as we discuss the topic of discipline and parenting with therapist Katie Millar Wierig. Katie, how you doing today woman? I'm doing great. So happy to be here. Thank you for coming on the program. Now you're absolutely younger than me, but I will tell you we've had some of the same experience over the years. Tell us, you're a family and mental health coach, a former top 10 Miss America contestant, and therapist, and mother of five. You made it a tad bit further than me in the pageant years. I couldn't walk in high heels till I was like in mid-20s. Literally, take us back to your pageant years. Why did you join the pageant? Were you a pageant chick? I was not, but explain your experience and how has that helped you today build your platform? Absolutely. So, you know, it's interesting how all of these roads kind of lead us to our goals, right? And we take creative routes to get there. And I never would have envisioned that that would have been part of my past or my journey. But actually, when I was 13 years old, I started in the movie industry. And I was a regular on a WB series for four years. And then I did a lot of like Disney Channel stuff. And I kind of got to dabble in this world of entertainment. And it's amazing to look back at that and think how much that has framed the way I look at life now. Because when you get into that, it is like this weird Petri dish of experience. It's very isolated from everything else. And I had to decide at that young age whether or not this was the route I wanted my life to take. And I didn't. I stepped away at 18 and was like, I just don't feel good about this for me. And thought that would be my time done in the camera and the spotlights. Well, my family struggled financially. And so I got called about, I'm a big nerd, left school. And so I was in school studying neuroscience at the time. And I got a call about a scholarship opportunity through the Miss America program. So I jumped in and tried that. My first pageant was the local pageant. And then I went on to Miss Utah right after. And then I went and competed at the Miss America. So Miss America was my third pageant that I'd done. And like you, it was a wonderful experience for learning and growth. But I would have never identified myself a pageant person. I felt very unsure of myself and at times uncomfortable with just not knowing how to apply makeup correctly. And like you're saying, wearing high heels, that just was not. I'm a Utah girl. I like to hike. I like to rock climb. So it was just a little bit out of my comfort zone. But I think the biggest thing, you of course learn communication skills and want to show things through that. But through that life experience, I think you ask yourself, what is my greatest contribution to society? Where am I going to help make a better world? And it helped to just kind of clear that vision to realize that improving homes, improving my own home, making sure that I was a strong person with strong beliefs, and then also improving the community around me was probably the best thing, more even important than being on a screen or doing anything like that. And so I stepped back from all of that after I married my husband and we decided to have children and to focus completely on just our family and our faith. And then through that, I took it and became a mental health counselor. And now my main goal is just to strengthen families and strengthen the home. Absolutely. Excellent. I want to say like 42 things, but I'll narrow it down to a couple that as a top of my head here, the fact that you had that type of background with the pageants, with film and TV, it absolutely, I know helped you becoming a therapist today to help other people, especially people that have low self-esteem or feel like they can't fit in or the high pressure of culture today, teens with social media issues, to be comfortable in our own skin, how God made us in front of a camera. If you can master that, you can help a lot of people. And I know that you and I had a very similar background and that's helped us become bold in going out there to help other people that might be struggling with these types of issues in a very large, like you said, Petri dish worth of competition. If that's what it is, because there are so many times I would go to a role and see 47 girls in line that look just like me to try to audition for a film and TV in LA. And I had to be confident in if they don't want me, it's not necessarily my look because everybody looks just like me. It has to be something else, either convictions, because I didn't want to say a certain role or certain lines and whenever they put my direction, but it really helps you become comfortable in who God made you to be and stand your convictions, even in that type of an environment. I know it's helped you. Funny that you didn't deal with the high heels. Well, and like I was telling you before we started taping the fake nails on my hands for the first competition, I'm like, I can't play drums in this. And I had to strip off the fake nails, but people out there thinking they can't do a pageant. I just want to do a plug for the Miss America pageant. Back in the day when I did it, it was one piece suits. Now I think it's two piece, but I would say acts the bikini deal. You don't want to get too immodest, but the Miss America pageant absolutely helped me with confidence level and getting this message out there. I know for you as well. So I'm excited to talk to you about parenting today. I think you were jumping on the program to talk about this tough subject and people out there thinking you can't do a pageant. Try it because it absolutely will help you with communication, networking, boosting your self-esteem and giving you a platform and a, a topic that you feel strong in and you want to help other people out with mine was absence education. What was your platform back then that you had to pick for a topic? Yeah, it was, um, juvenile diabetes, um, awareness. So it was early action of juvenile type one diabetes. My sister's a type one diabetic, and we just really, I worked with JDRF to make sure that parents understood the early detection signs that they could do that. And I also to put a plug in there too, uh, they actually removed the swimsuit portion of the Miss America competition a couple of years ago. So now portion, which is really fun. I think that's really empowering because it opens up, it widens the net so that more participants, they don't feel that that's the focus anymore. And it is, it is very inviting to all women who want to make a difference in their community and want to further their education, which I entirely and completely support. Me too. A hundred fold. Thank you for that update. I was going to ask another focusing on physical fitness, which is great because they're all about not the outside appearance per se. We still want to take care of our outside because it's a first impression for what we deal with and who we talk to. And if we're on tour, because we win the pageant, but it, it just takes the focus off the very things that young girls struggle with, which is image. Do I fit in social media? Unbelievable. That is so cool that they did that. Yay. All right, Katie, why is it so important for parents to understand their children's love language? I would say one of the biggest struggles that we deal with in all of our relationships is really communicating and understanding each other. And at the root of all, a lot of our problems is just that we're not communicating well. And so this groundbreaking book that Gary Chapman came out with years and years ago, essentially said that we are saying, I love you. And our partner or our children or the people in our lives are not hearing it because we just have this communication gap. And when he first published it, it was for marriages. And a lot of people looked at it like that, but it is now so important to recognize that this can go into all aspects of your life, but especially our children, anyone who has multiple children, I know you have four and I have five know that I can say one thing to one child and, and it is completely received separately from the other. So for one child, she needs to be loved through like validation and talk. She wants to talk through a day. She wants to just go through all of her stuff. And I love that. And I love having that with her. But if my second daughter, if I try to pull too much from her too quickly, she actually feels criticized. And she actually feels like I'm crying and I'm not giving her the chance to process and it feels stressful to her. And so in my attempts to love my second daughter, the same way my first feels loved, I might actually be damaging her self esteem in that relationship a little bit. And so I love the idea and the practice of being able to take each child and recognize that they are a God given person. They have these beautiful personalities that are divine. And instead of trying to mold them into being all little carbon copies of me and my husband instead is to say, who are they? What do they need? And how can I fulfill that need? And I know that can be hard for parents to hear who feel so overwhelmed with all the many things that they need to do. But in my experience and in my professional experience, I have learned that the most simple things, it really boils down to the most basic things that we do give us the best results. And so that is really the first place to start when parents come in and say, I'm having a hard time with my teenager. The first thing I say is what's their love language or how do they feel most loved? And if they can't answer that, it's like, it's okay. But now we know where we need to start because a lot of these things will naturally resolve themselves as the child feels loved and heard, and there's not so much pushback on it. That makes complete sense. Can you give us one example of the simple things you just mentioned that could help parents connect what you're saying to application? Absolutely. So for instance, there's five different love languages. The first is, so I'm not necessarily ordered, but there's service, gifts, words of validation. So that could be like, I love you or praise or things like that. Touch is a big one. And then the last one is quality time. And so with that, you can kind of look in there and see what it is. But like, I have one child that loves gifts, which is a hard one to do because we have spoiled children. We're very entitled. And so giving this child lots of gifts and taking them to go buy a new pair of shoes when they've had a bad day, it's like, I'm going to spend a lot of money at the mall for this child because that's their like retail therapies, their thing. And, um, but I found with him that one thing that we can do is just, he just needs to know that I was thinking about him when he's not around and that I'm willing to sacrifice something for him. So like, I started printing off like pictures of things that when he was even just a little boy or things that I love about him. And I just put it on his bed and write like, this was such a fun day, or you look so handsome in this picture. And then I buy him his favorite candy bar for 80 cents at the grocery store. And, you know, just those sorts of little things made a huge difference to him. But I was getting frustrated with him thinking, well, he's just so needy and he's just entitled because he's always asking for things, not realizing that what he just was wanting to know is, is mom willing to sacrifice for me? Does she think about me when I'm not around? Do I have a physical manifestation? Like he's a very touchy child. So it's like, do I have a physical manifestation that my mom loves me? And he, we, for Christmas, we gave him like a dog tag necklace thing. And he, he puts it under his shirt and wears it every day because he just loves the physical reminders where for another child, they got the same present. We're like, eh, I don't think so. And so it's just this thing of exploring with your child. It can be a beautiful and very sacred thing to explore this with your child, to find what works for them. 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Examples of that would be use encouraging words and phrases often. Call them a loving nickname. Speak highly of your child so they can overhear. I love that one. That's funny. Notice and acknowledge what they like. Girl, you're up. Yes. The next one is acts of service. You can cook them a special meal, do one of their chores for them, bring them a drink of water, you know, just organize their closet, just kind of like any chore. Tuck them in at night. That's a simple one, too. That's excellent. Quality time. Give your kid full, undivided attention. Put away the screens. I like that one. Run errands together. Go on walks. Play a game. Let them help with special tasks. Quality time, people. Yeah. The next one is gifts, which is like you can give them small, inexpensive gifts or rewards for a job that they've done well. Leave a gift for them at bedtime. You know, find some way to like give a gift together that is a physical manifestation. Keep a treasure chest of trinkets that you love about them. Keep their pictures that they draw, artwork, stuff like that. That's amazing. I keep all four kids artwork and I keep the top things over the years. Let me tell you something. With four kids and you with five kids, it's like the whole wall is plastered within three weeks. And the last love language, everybody. Here we go. Drum roll. Physical touch. Snuggle on the couch. Hold hands. Give lots of kisses and hugs. Give them high fives. Cuddle and read together. Now, my oldest is 15. You said your daughter was 16. I try to lean in just to tease my son by giving a kiss on the cheek or something to hug him. And he's like, Mom, get out of here. You know, like, give me some space, even though he might be physical touch. Any advice to teenagers that are trying to pull away because they're embarrassed? Of course, I purposely do it in public to try to embarrass him, which is funny. Any other words of advice with these five top love languages for our kids? Yeah, I think just be creative and then also directly ask them. I think you'd be surprised to hear what they would say about themselves when you ask what how do you feel most loved and show them this. They may not know, but it may be a fun exploration you two can do together. Say, let's try for a couple of weeks doing touch or let's try this and see how they feel. That's excellent. Excellent. And I know my oldest would be like, Mom, I just need cold, hard cash because he likes saving up for certain things. And he's a saver. But that's what he would tell me. I know you love me. Give me a high five. Can I get twenty bucks? And he wouldn't spend it. He'd save it towards whatever he's got going on. Unbelievable. These kids, I tell you what, they're they've got our DNA. We can't expect anything less. Katie, what role does faith play in guiding our teens to adopt healthy behavior and values? Oh, I think this is so important. I think one of the biggest problems with our society is that we've eliminated that there is truth and that truth exists and that we are all searching to find truth and we're finding God. And when you do that, it gives you a strong moral compass. It helps you know what what you should be doing and what you shouldn't be doing. And I think when they have a relationship with God, not just with their parents, you know, we want our kids to obey because we want them to have healthy, good lives, but we want them to obey because they love God and they understand they have perspective of what this life is about and the point. And so it changes the whole way that they change. They do their lives when they understand who they are, their relationship with God, and then that will dictate their behaviors even more than reward or punishment or anything else will say that piece one more time. I have to have it sink in a little bit more. Yeah. Like when they have a strong relationship with God, it will change behavior and change who they are more than anything that any punishment or reward will ever do. That is so that's like you just because sometimes I can, as a parent, try to dictate, remind, I don't want to just point out what they're messing up on, basically. And if they understood who they were in Christ, it would be an automatic flowing out of what they do for behaviors because they really deem their faith and walk with the Lord as important and they own it. You just nailed it right there. Absolutely fantastic. You say that most bad behavior stems from their insecurity. Why are teens so insecure? Oh, there are so many reasons, but I think one of the biggest ones is our current state of social media and the way we get our information. It just changes the comparing game so much. And so one of the teams, it's a developmental normal stage is to wonder, am I normal? And you feel like you have this, it's called spotlight syndrome where you believe that you're like the star of a movie and everyone's always watching you and everyone's always judging you. Teens believe that. And so they always feeling like they're normal. Are they normal? Should they be embarrassed? And so when you have these types of feelings, it breeds insecurity. Now imagine because we will maybe not imagine, but now add the fact that we have social media telling us what's normal, what everyone else is doing, how they are the star, how they do have a better life. And so this comparison game is just so dangerous to already fueling a fire that was already blaring when we were kids. And so I worry about the amount of social media and phones and technology our kids are consuming at a young age. And I think we just have to protect their tender souls as early as we can and be so careful about that. All right, Katie, we have talked about a ton on part one. We're doing part two with you. There's no way we're going to stop with these questions. We're going to go a second commercial break. When we come back, we're going to wrap it up with where we can go to connect with you. And then we're going to do part two. I can't wait to dig in deeper on parenting. It needs to be addressed. We'll be back with Katie Moore right after this. During these uncertain times, communication is critical. Make sure you can get in touch with your family and friends anytime, anywhere. Introducing Rapid Radios, the number one trusted source for staying connected worldwide. Our professional grade walkie talkies provide crystal clear conversations and are 256 bit encrypted, ensuring ultimate privacy with unlimited range and five days of battery life. Unlike cell phones, our radios are not trackable or traceable. Best yet, there's no setup required. They're ready to use right out of the box. No contracts and no monthly fees. Don't delay. 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Call Capstone today at 610-688-8890 or check out capstonelegacy.org for more information and tell them TINA sent you. Partner with Capstone Legacy Foundation to transform our culture for Christ and get your nonprofit started today. Becoming a mean teen parenting machine, a step-by-step guide to transform your relationship with your teenager. That is Katie's book. I don't know how you came up with that title for your book, but it's phenomenal. Mean Teen Parenting Machine. I had to look at that and read it before times. I love it. You can grab that book on Amazon, five-star rating. Tell us woman, what is in this great read? You know, this read is all about healing the relationships. A lot of times people will come in and ask to like just change behaviors and we want behavior change, but what we really want to get is the root of the situation and that's what this book addresses is what at the root is maybe not right in your relationship and how you can change that and then you'll start to see the behavior heal naturally. We can connect with you on anxietyhealingprogram.com. That is phenomenal. anxietyhealingprogram.com. Who do you help through your ministry girl and what is on your website? Yeah, so this is specifically an at-home program for people who are either waiting for therapy, who aren't comfortable going into therapy on their own. It's an audio download where you have like 12 sessions of essentially like a group therapy that you listen to, a workbook to work through and it's just a great way to have family discussions about anxiety and it's geared towards teens, young adults and then adults. This is just great and I'm looking at testimonials and the fact that it's about anxiety that is everybody it seems like in America today. Here are some of the testimonials for everybody out there. Once again, anxietyhealingprogram.com. This program is a great alternative to traditional therapy. It could be just as helpful for healing from anxiety but without the cost or time. That's phenomenal. I have been doing behavioral therapy for a decade and I can say that this program is amazing and can work wonders. Well there you have it people, just two out of the hundreds of different responses coming in from people that have been helped by Katie. You're doing phenomenal work. I'm so thankful we have you on for another episode. Everybody out there watch all four episodes this week on parenting. I've learned a ton myself, jaw on the ground for a lot of this content. Just go to counterculturemom.com and if you want to donate to the cause we have platforms waiting to get our content. As soon as we get the donations we need at counterculturemom.com. We are a tax write-off non-profit. More from Katie right after this. Stay tuned for part two. Thanks a lot everybody.