After Losing Daughter, Dad Dedicates His Life to Saving 60 Foster Kids - Dr. John DeGarmo

After the death of his first child, Dr. John DeGarmo became a foster parent to over 60 children, including 11 in the house at the same time, seven in diapers all at one time. What in the world? He is a leading expert in foster care parenting and child welfare. He works with child welfare agencies, foster care programs as a consultant and trainer, and works with legislators to improve the foster care system. He is the author of 13 books, including the new book, The Little Book of Foster Care Wisdom, 365 Days of Inspiration and Encouragement for Foster Care Families, the best-selling book, Faith and Foster Care, as well as the foster care children's book, A Different Home, A New Foster Child Story. He is the director of the Foster Care Institute and acts as a consultant to foster care agencies, as well as an expert witness to legal agencies across the USA and around the globe. This is the CounterCulture Mom Show. I'm your host, Tina Griffin. Foster Families is where it's at this week. I'm with Dr. John DeGarmo, founder and director of the Foster Care Institute. John, you're a hero, 60 children over. How are you doing? I am blessed. Thank you so much. My word. First of all, not to just go right in with the traumatic, but I have to ask you, what happened to your first born child? Oh, thanks for asking. My wife was in labor for 92 hours. Yes, yes. And the child had anencephalitis, a condition where the brain or skull doesn't truly form. And I'll tell you, after those 92 hours, the baby was born and died immediately. I turned my back on a lot of things, including my faith at that time. Oh, my gosh. How long were you married when this happened? Three years. Did you and your wife get closer together as a unit or was it like something catastrophic where it actually pulled you apart? You know, it could have easily pulled us apart. I'll tell you, I did what I thought I was supposed to do. This is 30 years ago. And I thought at that time, you know, men don't cry. I must be strong. So I buried my grief and threw myself into work, which, of course, was the wrong thing to do. So it could have gone really astray. But when we moved back from Australia to the United States, I recognized that, you know what, I need to grieve this. I need to allow myself to grieve. But initially, throwing myself into work was the worst thing I could have done. My wife needed me to grieve with her. I needed to grieve. It was a very difficult time. And as I said, I really turned my back on so much. I was filled with a great deal of anger at that time. It's like for a 25-minute show, how can you go from that to literally foster caring half of the USA with the children available here? But God got a hold of your heart. Can you give us a snippet of how did it go from that traumatic situation to all of a sudden you're bringing all these kids home with seven in diapers all at the same time? And I thought I was nuts with four, but you have like 20 times the amount of kids in your than I ever did. Fill me in on that. How did it go from the loss of your son to all these kids in your house? I was teaching in a very, very rural school setting in middle Georgia at that time, high school setting. And two things happened initially that led my wife to become foster parents. The first was I had so many kids coming into my classroom who had issues of behavior and academics and attendance. And I kept asking, what's going on? And I met a lot of their birth parents and I recognized, you know what? It starts in the home. And at that time also, there was in this small rural county in late 1990s, the largest child sex trafficking ring happening in America. It was led by a gentleman who called himself Dr. Malachi York with the Nawabi Nation. He was eventually arrested for bringing over a thousand children over state lines for sex. But a lot of those kids were victims of my classroom. So I went to my wife and said, Hey, yeah, yeah. I went to my wife and said, Hey, you know, I've got these victims of child sex trafficking. I've got a senior who's pregnant with triplets. And I recognize neither the mother or father were in any shape to take care of those kids. I said to my wife, you know, we lost our first child. How can we help other children? And at the same time, my wife had been thinking about becoming a foster parent. And I approached her and said, should we become foster parents? So it really was God-led. It really was God-led. I never planned or imagined becoming a foster parent. It's nothing I really wanted to do because I believe the myths and misconceptions that the kids are bad kids and foster parents are weird people. Now, the second thing is true. Foster parents are a little bit odd because it's a very different lifestyle when you're bringing children in your home who have issues of attachment, trust, and mental health issues. And it can be exhausting at times. At the same time, thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus because that is what Christ has called us to do. And it's not easy, but you're going to have like 5,000 jewels in your crown sooner than later, because I think he's coming back before you know it. Unbelievable. So you were teaching a classroom, saw the horrificness going on in the culture right there in your classroom and decided to do something about it. I love people of action. Like we're cut from the same cloth. If we see a problem, let's try to solve it or get someone that we know is good in that area, giftings, financial backing. Hey, we've got a problem over here. Can you solve it or we get involved? But thank you for getting off the bench. What are some of the myths about foster parenting? You already said weirdness happening, but what are some other myths that you want to blast out to the masses here that is not the case? Well, some believe you need to be married. You don't. Some believe you have to be rich. You don't. Some believe you have to have a big house. You don't. You really just have to have a heart to care for these children in crisis. You know, you've got, we have on any given day, there's 5 million children experiencing domestic violence in their house every single day. That means, and you've got the largest child sex trafficking ring. Child sex trafficking ring, of course, is the largest business, global business, if you will. So you really have a child in crisis in every single community. So you have to have that heart to say, you know what, I want to help a child. It comes down to this. You just gave the myth, big home, not necessary. Got to be married, not necessary. Have to have a lot of cash, not necessary. Honestly, if we're not personally sex trafficking children, our environment is a heck of a lot better than where these kids are right now, period. Time is what kids need to heal. Trust is what they want to build with someone. And I know from just the people I've met traveling and doing my thing for ministry, the children that are injured the worst with the most trauma once they get help are the biggest world changers that are out there on our globe today. Why? Because they can share from the hell they've been through to other kids and parents where it's relatable. The audience gets it because coming from real and raw and horrific situation from the past that is no longer and should have never been their identity. So they're gold. These kids in the foster care system are actual, literal gold for changing the actual culture. And woe to those that don't help the children in need. Well, they've changed me as well. Every child's made me a better person in some way. It made me a better person, better husband, better father. I have learned to love so much more by these children in my home. And I think kids in foster care need three things. They need stability, they need structure, but more than anything else, they need unconditional love. They need us to love them with all of our hearts so that when they leave, no matter what, whatever reason it might be, a part of our heart breaks. But I think that's a gift. We're giving that child a gift of love because we could be the first person who's ever loved that child. I hear a lot, Dr. John, I couldn't do what you do. It hurts too much to give the kids back. And I say, that's exactly how it's supposed to be. These kids need us to love them so much so when they leave, a part of our heart breaks. Now, foster care, because I'm like kind of one on one with all this, I think I know what I'm talking about, but you might have to fix my thinking if I'm off. Could you foster care kids and then fully adopt those kids? Absolutely. My wife and I have been blessed to adopt three kids in the foster care system. We've experienced four failed adoptions at the same time. But foster care, adoption is not the end goal of foster care. The end goal is reunification. With that said, there's about 120,000 children every single year who are up for adoption looking for that forever family that sadly will never get it. And the statistics are pretty grim for those children who age out of the foster care system, who transition out. 55% will end up homeless. I'm sorry, 55% will quit school. 65% will end up homeless. 75% will end up incarcerated. And then it starts for the next generation. In fact, two of the three I've adopted are third generation, which means their parents and grandparents were in the foster care system, and the system failed them in some way. Can you look me in the eye? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that I shouldn't exist? That I should be dead? That I deserve to die that day? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that my very survival was a mistake? A terrible toll on society? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that in my most vulnerable state, I was nothing more than a parasite? A collection of body parts? Subhuman? Worthless? In 1952, I survived multiple abortion attempts. DNC abortion. An instrument abortion. DNC abortion. A vacuum aspiration. E&E abortion. A saline infusion abortion that was meant to poison and scald me to death. I am the face of choice. I am that choice. I am the face of choice. These are actual human beings who survived abortion procedures when they were still in their mother's wombs. These are the eyes, voices, and faces of choice. Choice is not merely a word. Choice is a person. Learn their stories. Visit facesofchoice.org. John, mental health. A big traumatic bomb here happening around the globe today. How is mental health the real pandemic today? Oh, you're absolutely right. I was telling people in 2020 when they're closing schools, I said I'm far more concerned about the mental health issues these children are going to experience than any virus. We are in a mental health crisis. That is the real pandemic. We're seeing teenage suicide attempts skyrocketing. Child depression, child anxiety, obesity, addictions all skyrocketing. A lot of that happened due to 2020. A lot of that also happens because of the social media component as well. Many kids who come into foster care have those mental health issues. But again, teenage depression, teenage anxiety, teenage suicide attempts up 70% since 2020. That should alarm all of us. How can others help children in foster care without being a foster parent? Let's say people are tuning in right now listening saying, oh my gosh, I already have five kids or I'm a college student and I can't foster now, but in five years I want to foster so bad. How can other people help foster care system here without being a foster parent directly? That's a great question. I believe that not everybody can be a foster parent. Not everybody should be a foster parent. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. Most rewarding thing I've ever done, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done. But there are so many ways we can help the foster care system. To begin with, we could be a mentor or a tutor for the children. We could donate school supplies to the children when they go into school. We could donate bags full of hygiene items. Many times when the kids come into foster care, all they come with is a black plastic bag with their belongings or like five of the kids that we had, they came with their clothes stapled together. That's all I had, clothes stapled together. And we actually had to burn the clothing because the clothing was contaminated with feces. They're living in a house of feces and meth. So they could donate school supplies, hygiene items. They could be mentors, tutors. They could set up clothes closets. If they own their own business, they could employ these children and teach them valuable learning skills and social skills. That's just the touch of it. And I also believe that the church's next mission field is the foster care system. When you have almost 500,000 kids in foster care, whether it's foster care or kinship care across the country, we don't have to go to Honduras or Nicaragua and Mexico. And I've all that, but we don't have to go searching for a mission field when there's a mission field, probably within a mile of every single church today. You nailed it. Everybody out there watch all four episodes this week on the foster care system. Every week I say this, but it's accurate. God brings the right people in the right order for the series every single week. We'll have a folder with 30 different potential guests on it. And God's like, I want that one, that one, that one, and wrap with that one. It happened again. I've already taped several of this series for foster care. The last episode, Kathleen Jansen, a dear friend of mine from Nashville, is working with the local church to train them because if 8,000 children are in the foster care system for Tennessee and there's 10,000 churches, her main mission is if almost every church just had one family that said yes to foster care, let's get a kid out, there would be no foster care system in Tennessee. It is one child. Yes. So you have to be connected with her because you guys are thinking the same wavelength. It's unbelievable. Why do you think most people in our culture today don't want to foster care or is it because they don't even think about how big of a problem the foster care system is? Are we too self-focused and too selfish and too focused on our own, what I have to do on the to-do list to even notice the kids down the street that need help? I think it's a bit of both. I really do. I write a lot and talk a lot about human trafficking and I call it America's ugly secret and foster care is a lot similar to that. It makes us feel uncomfortable. We hear the stories of these children and what's happening to these children many times down the street from us or sometimes within our own family. It makes us feel uncomfortable so we don't want to address it. So we brush under the carpet and we focus instead on politics or sports or entertainment, things like that. So I think that's part of the problem. Our legislators also don't have a true grasp or understanding. Foster care is never really addressed within legislation or legislators unless it's election season because it's not a topic that's sexy, if you will. And I go back to what I said initially. I didn't want to be a foster parent because I believed that these kids are bad kids. Far from the truth. These children are victims of abuse, neglect, trauma, and more than anything else, they want to be loved. They want a home. They want a family. They want to be normal like every other child they see. Unreal. What ever happens to the people that their parents, that should have been parents, that neglected these kids? Do you see a lot of them getting their stuff in order and finally connecting back with the children? Do you see a lot of them going to prison? Are a lot of them dead? It drives me nuts how people don't have their life in order that ends up literally trashing their children and it's hard for the children to break out of that generational curse as a result. So how do we get the parents that are neglecting their kids to wake up, shape up, and get active? Well, about 50 percent of kids in foster care go back to their homes. They're reunified. Sadly, of that 50 percent, 20 to 30 percent come back into care because maybe their parents weren't ready yet. Maybe they sink back into their own addictions. There might be other issues as well and for those children who come back into care, it's usually far worse. But what we can do is before they're placed in foster care, we should wrap around support services around those families to provide training, support, etc. before the kids come into care because coming into foster care is incredibly scary. It is frightening. You can put aside all the trauma, abuse, neglect before coming into care. When they come to my house, that's a very scary time because these children ask me, why am I here? When do I go home? Will you hurt me? Will I ever see my mom and dad again? Is it my fault? Does anybody love me? And for so many of them, they cry themselves to sleep. I've held so many kids those first few nights to cry themselves to sleep because they are terrified. I'm a stranger to them. I might hurt them as well, they believe. So with that in mind, we need to go back home. We also need to wrap around support services because unfortunately, in many states, when the kid goes back home with their parents, the support services are cut off. Child welfare is cut off. They're moving on to the next family. But that family is often struggling with the family that's been disconnected. They've been separated for a long time. So they have to rebuild trust. They have to rebuild attachment. They have to reconnect. They've got to build those emotional bonds. And again, those parents might be struggling with their own anxieties, and they might sink back in their own addictions and disruptive behavior. Wow. Is there a lot surrounding that? And I knew a snippet, and we're just at the surface right now with the heavy information you just gave. Unreal. I just want to, again, thank you for being a hero to so many kids. 60? That's how many kids you fostered over the years? 60? Yes, ma'am. And I'll tell you what, in our house, there's no label. There's no biological. There's no foster. They're no adoptive. They're all members of my family. They're all members of my children. They're all children of mine. How did your neighbors, we're out in the country with like 200 acres. Were you in a subdivision? And people are like, oh my gosh, they just like brought in another five kids, go say hi, bring in meals in. I mean, what was that like? Where did you live? What was the surroundings? We live in the country, if you will. But when we go to Sundays, we're like a clown car. These kids just keep popping out of the car, popping out of the car everywhere. Oh my gosh. You know, when I go to the grocery store and I have my three children who I've adopted from foster care, who happen to have a different skin color than I am. I often stare at people saying, are those your kids? And I say, yeah, I have really recessive genes. Oh my gosh. Is that hilarious? You are something else. Okay. You just said a couple of minutes ago about all the ways we can help school supplies, hygiene type supplies. How can people do that? Because I know people are probably like, oh my gosh, asking that question because they have a lot that they want to give to help donate to. So what website can they go to? How can they get active? How can they donate to your cause? How can we help? Well, that's a great question. You can contact your local child welfare agency in your town, your area community, whether it's a private one, faith-based one, or state one. You can contact your local foster parent association as well and ask as well. And that's just usually a quick search online or a quick phone call to find that. I will add this though. When children are, here's another great thing they can do to help out. Donating brand new suitcases because when that child comes into care, again, most times they've got a plastic bag, a garbage bag of their belongings, which to them translates that they're trash. When they leave home, if they have a brand new suitcase, that empowers them and says, you know what, I am worthy of something. We all know how critical sleep is, yet I've had major sleep issues for years. I just discovered WaveWatch and I'm finally sleeping through the night. The WaveWatch is a wearable device that delivers hundreds of sound frequencies throughout your body supporting your body's natural systems. Did you know that each living thing vibrates at a unique frequency? And modern research shows nerve impulses may actually be sound-based. The WaveWatch emits gentle sound waves through your wrist that can help reduce physical discomfort, boost circulation, improve focus, support immune function, and enhance sleep quality. 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I didn't mention this but the two of the three I've adopted for a third generation, their birth mother was prostituted out by age nine by her father 10 to 12 times a day in a town about 500 people. People from Atlanta and Macon and across the country actually flying into Atlanta for this nine-year-old girl and she's a birth mother of the two three we adopted. Unbelievable. Okay everybody, this is what I hear during a commercial break and I am putting this commercial break into the actual program. Unreal. It needs to be shared. Is that okay if we share that with America? Yes. That is the realities everyone. We must get involved. Unreal. John, you have a phenomenal website. We have to go there immediately. It is drjondegarmofostercare.com. This link will be in the show notes but it's drjondegarmofostercare.com. Once again, link in the show notes surrounding this episode. Tell us about how we can get involved in your website, give, and start helping the youth in America here. Well, thanks for asking. There's so many resources and webinars, podcasts, videos, etc. all about helping children in crisis, whether it is human trafficking, foster care, adoption, or parenting in general, mental health issues. There's lots of books you can purchase as well. You don't need to be a foster parent to be invested in these kids. My first book is The Fostering Loved One Foster Parent's Journey or my latest book, Called to Foster. I think those are all books that are going to speak to people's heart about how can I help a child without necessarily being a foster parent. What can I do? You are something else. Everybody out there, this is the counterculture mom command of the week. Go grab this book immediately on Amazon. Get it before it's gone. Called to Foster, An Honest Guide to Getting Started. Grab it, share it, talk to your friends and family about it. Thank you for the conviction. At the same time, thank you for helping us get off the bench and in the game this week. Everybody out there, check out all four episodes. You rock, buddy. I'm watching you. Keep up the excellent work.