HOME VLOG! grief feelings, running journey, summer haul, macys surprise birthday & taking a break?

welcome to another week in my life Vlog we are really all over the place lots of running I do a grief update kind of like catching you guys up I've been feeling really anxious so I feel like I even can't really speak like it's hard for me to get my thoughts across at points in this video but it's very real it's very raw and then we also throw Macy a surprise a belated birthday party and I'm giving you guys a huge haul because I've gotten so many things recently that are so cute that I think y'all will love so enjoy the [Music] [Music] video good morning y'all happy Saturday we're just going to Vlog a cute couple wholesome days at home it's 7:00 a.m. actually I think it's like 7:30 now oh hello fits and I'm going to go on a run I have a run today and then actually this morning I also have a little cute spin glass this is my favorite pre-workout that I've been drinking it's really good for runs I've never been like a pre-workout girly but I love this stuff it tastes so good and it genuinely like really helps me so running update everyone I filled my water with an electrolytes powder this is from powders I wonder if they do Cates maybe I should do a cat but when I've been drinking I drink these in my water all the time especially in recovery and then I have powders the Pre-Workout rainbow snow cone when I get home I typically will drink some water with some Keon Amino they're good for like muscle building athletic recovery things like that so I love these and it tastes good I drink the lemon lime Cool Lime FL okay we're going to chug this I'm going to be wired I got a Garin watch but I just set it up and it's literally in another language what am I supposed to do about this I want to go on a run like now I got my garments set up I have my headphones I don't even need to put those on yet um I was going to say I've just been way more anxious the past couple of days I think it's because we had crazy storms this week I'm sure you guys probably saw on the news or maybe you didn't if you're not in Texas but basically like there are the biggest trees you've ever seen in your life that got taken out by the wind okay they're out like Roots up like it's the craziest thing I've ever seen I was in that power for like a day a lot of people lost it for like 3 or 4 days anyways it was really crazy I had a friend in town and I just like we didn't leave my house which is like what I like to do I like to do nothing and just sit with friends but I think that like the storm and being stuck here and everything and just like obviously this year has just been more anxious so with that being said so just like some of that anxiety I feel like I've just been like needing to on a run running has been so helpful for me if you guys are going through any loss any grief anything like that seriously start running Nike run up I'm not kidding life changing I'm only doing a 5k plan because I was was truly not a runner before but like now look at me I have a Garmin was that means I'm a runner okay got the Garmin like it starts with a V I'll link it below um I'm very excited about it I finally just joined straa I'm doing my first straa run this morning and then I Ed Nike run Club app I changed shorts by the way I stay in the other ones we're off on our Saturday morning [Music] run today is a 30 minute run this week I did a 36 minute run speed run but today is just I think an easy run yesterday was 25 we're kind of like going back and forth my anxiety has just been so high lately and running has been so helpful I feel like there's just so much like stuff stored in my body so getting out on a run like it seriously like saves me I'm not kidding like I don't know how it would be surviving if I wasn't out running cuz it's like you have to like get everything out of your body I can't describe it all right I finished my run I ran to 2 point I think seven 6 or 7 miles and I did a 30 minute Run 5 minute warmup and then we had oh there's a runner got to go one sec I ran 30 minutes it was a tempo run I off at 2.7 and I was like I should have just gone out and finished at 3: but tomorrow I have like my 5K run not the like race but like the actual run so I feel good and I just decided I was going to stop and do just actual running plan while my hair looks amazing because we have spent class and I have run tomorrow so anyways it is it's actually amazing out cuz the storm is like not that hot W was it nice sleeping in yeah it was like I can only imagine like sleeping in was like really easy and just like good you know no trust me it's so important to know your body though recovery is just as important as the workout and if you can't make it up for an early morning Saturday morning you know that's not your fault that's not my fault it's not your fault no no like guys recovery like say it with me like it's so important hey Ken Squad comment down below if you're a recoverer or a runner yeah I'm a big recovery girl we're actually on our way for a nice brisk little Taylor so spin class that was made for us might I add did you have you noticed anything different about me 10an oh your watch oh my God thanks for appreciating that wait wait can we do that that wasn't like oh yeah yeah yeah have you noticed anything different about me like is that a new watch yes it's a Garmin watch it's cute thanks I bought it myself sorry as as you guys know I'm the recovering part of I'm on my electrolytes I I too am recovering from my run um guys Loki I like did not sleep this week so need to leave actually okay so your what my sleep was so good like mi's been so busy it's annoying yeah she's been on the town she leaves again like right after the spin class what time is your flight two two but I'm I was so dedicated to coming to the spin class I was like yeah it was just finally we've been asking for it forever so anyways we have to go I have a great playlist on all right y'all we just finished our Taylor Swift spin class it was amazing amazing we just decided that all weekend or all summer long every Saturday we're together we're doing Triathlon you start off with a morning run then you go to spin class and then the pool this is so exciting no like this is amazing and I'm so excited for my non-alcoholic spritzes because we can have a spritz by the pool and you know my cooler that comes out oh my and then like at 5:00 p.m. we can have a real one but like day drinking is more for the vibe like you never really day like day drinking you just want a cute drink but like then you feel so gross by afternoon like by evening time so you have like a cute little day drink then you you can have like a real sprits come like 5:00 p.m. when you're cooking dinner yes and then we either go out to eat or we barbecue obsessed you know how I'm going to do my theme barbecue nights this summer yeah which I can't start until like July cuz we're have going to be home yeah so that's like kind of becoming an issue but it's oh it's going to be amazing we're going to do themed barbecue and pool nights where I just invite the most random group of people over and then we have a theme and then they have a Barbecue Cookoff I'm dealing with the guest list so just DM me yeah yeah she's in charge of the guest list totally I said big storm branches everywhere I haven't really gotten rid of them yet clearly so we're going to do a little backyard cleanup I'm back from you know part of my Triathlon basically this Branch fell like there are massive massive trees just out by the RO like how does wind do that you know the good news is that my flowers are finally blooming which is amazing like they look so cute okay so Garden damage let's I haven't I mean it's so wet also guys look at my carots like I clearly didn't like separate them enough so I'm not quite sure how this is going to work I'm just going to leave them for a bit like this is just one it seems but a lot of them are multiple and I don't like how this is all these used to like stick right up so it's a little Tangled but like you can see the care right there like it's ready to come out and then I needed to actually a trellis oh well those might be done for but trellis is literally like stops away right now on Amazon so I'm going to handle this and just do my best I have string to attach it to and like we'll just see how that works but it's oh my gosh this has grown so much it's insane like what this past week is done like these I feel like they're getting really close to done but basically these have to go yellow and fall to the side and then they're ready is from what I've learned on Google but look at the cut flowers over here I did the chaotic method is what I'm getting at I just threw the seeds the other one I started indoors and of course this is the one that's doing better already [Music] if you always SM understand I'm struggling with my I could love myself and I dark light the Next Generation and I didn't mean this the SE y'all it's storming again so annoying I was going to do my hair but it's raining so it's not happening and they're so heavy and we have to get to American girl anyways this is my makeup is my makeup I've been doing a very very minimal like no makeup makeup look okay so this takes me about 2 minutes first things first this golden hour sunscreen it's amazing I get it in golden hour but it's called glow screen um from super group I've used this product for potentially even eight years at this point I feel like I have used this product for the longest time it's the best tinted sunscreen and it blurs out your skin your pores disappear it's amazing and it's a sunscreen so great do alternate between a couple different things but right now what I've done I've rediscovered my hourglass powders and I love these so I use everything from here this is dim light this is in this powder I just use it because it's bigger and easier to grab but it's the exact same product this is amazing the dim light powder just like makes your skin look so good and then I go with a little bit of bronzer a little bit of blush and that's it oh I think I forgot to say that sometimes I'll go in with liquid blush underneath depending on my vibe this is Happy rare Beauty love made a Sephora order recently and I randomly picked up this is it law Hendrickson or o Hendrickson I never know but I love this it's the pout preserve peptide lip treatment I love the color that it gives my lips and it stays on and it makes my lips just so moisturized the other thing I do I totally forgot I use the e.l. brow gel and then I just go in with a little spoolie and I brush out my brows very simple American Girl invited sof and I in we are going in for the beastro also with my sub sister Sophie's mom um we are going in for a little lunch res and then she has a little private VIP shopping experience after this girls live in large all right my outfit I'm obsessed with we'll get to that in a [Music] second here is the fit this jacket I am in love with it I copied Chelsea she wore two ja's baby shower she had the pants too it is literally the cutest jacket ever it's from dams and matter I've actually purchased from them before the Instagram ads got me but I just I'm obsessed I got a couple things from them and I love it this tank is skim these my skirts for Macy's and then I'm just wearing my Tas I red ABY very American Girl coated I'm on Aunt duty today so I feel like this is like the perfect fit it's so cute and then I have these earrings on I did put a little bit of mascara on it just because I felt like it looked a little weird since I was wearing like an actual outfit I just placed a big online jewelry order and I got two skirts from Hill House I need long skirts all summer long with tank tops and then like a lot of jewelry and then no makeup basically like that is my summer look so I just ordered a ton I'm actually last minute going to Miami next weekend I just put my flights to go see Liz so I'm really excited for that I just needed better fits you know happy Monday guys it's 2 days later um I'm back wearing my Casper like blanket robe thing it's amazing it's like 1:00 p.m. on Monday so yesterday I ran a 5k it wasn't actually like the race I I don't actually don't even know if I'm going to be in town for the race now but I did run a 5k which is the longest that I've run we feel very good about that then we went to church we did a bunch of stuff I don't know I was honestly I've had like a rough week and this morning I worked out I went to brain codes I've been doing my neuro feedback thing again it's very helpful I'm actually recording an entire podcast episode with the founder tomorrow here so we'll talk more about that then and um I had therapy worked out did the whole thing and now it's Monday and Macy and I are going to have a co-working afternoon Macy doesn't know this we're actually throwing her a surprise birthday party yes her birthday was February 16th but you know better L than never all right she was on a bachelorette and then she was taking care of me and she's been in like five weddings this year so she's really been booked and busy every weekend like there wasn't even a time to throw her a party because she was celebrating everyone else so we're throwing her a cute little like surprise party and obviously she's going to have absolutely no idea because you know it's literally June and her birthday is in February okay I'm having like the weirdest hair day of my life we're going to start off on a positive note um a couple things that I'm loving first things first this little Contraption Contraption literally made out of comforter but it's a robe I just think like everyone in the world needs this thing also for earrings and stuff I've been loving Al Jewels like I've been wearing their stuff like non-stop it feels like so that that's been great coffee I'm almost out of my coffee this is amazing the Chobani sweet cream coffee creamer there's nothing like it it's so good um and my entire family I put them all on it and now we all like drink our chabani coffees every day and we like send each other like the flavors that we got at Target you know like the things that like excite you in life also I've been very into sense I've been really into LS Brooklyn this is the one that got me into their scents to begin with mainly I'm not going to lie because the scent just smells that good it's oh my God like it smells unbelievable I this smells like a perfume that my mom were growing up and I remember the scent so well almost like tropical it's very refreshing it like puts me in a good mood I'm just so affected by scents like even growing up I would always have um like different candles and stuff burning and then I would burn them when I moved out and that would be very comforting to me whatever I'm trying to find like the simple small joys in life right now since dayto day love and this Ellis Brooklyn stuff is unbelievable theyve new Miami scent as well that's amazing I'm actually going to Miami this weekend found out that they're actually a clean brand my mom thinks she's going with poo in the sense that she's like so clean and like I don't even like sometimes the word she's I don't even know what she's talking about but it has made me learn a lot you know whether it was against my will or not but now I'm really grateful for it it's made me learn a lot about what is in like products and scents and stuff and it's like kind of freaked me out so when I found out that this was a clean brand I became like obsessed with them so thank you to Brooklyn for partnering with me on this video they're also Pita certified cruelty-free and vegan the bottles are made of glass so they're also recyclable but I did want to say that I found the scent before I learned all of the like pros of the brand because a lot of the time clean fragrances have not really been for me I just feel like a lot of them like didn't actually like last or do anything or or whatever and this one I have been using for a bit before I even learned that and it lasts a long time it smells amazing compliments everywhere I go and then when I found out it was clean I was like that's absolutely amazing so like literally so amazing this feels so Lux that little like magnetic clasp it really combines like a luxurious lifestyle with clean Beauty they're also 50 mm l so you get like a lot of products in here I love the price point I love these things I cannot recommend them enough so I've been loving Alice Brooklyn All right so youall can shop Alice Brooklyn in my description I have it linked below oh I've also been loving running that's something I really wanted to talk to you guys about r running has been the best thing that I have done for myself especially in this grief Journey I'm going to get through this very quickly cuz this is the part I always makes me cry and this video highs and lows like I said highs and lows all right we're going everywhere I lost my little brother if youall are new here and didn't see this I lost my little brother um in January of this year he was 20 we were very very very close it was very unexpected and I loved my brother like okay I'm bringing this up because you know we're talking about life and there's a lot of like good life lessons and things that I wanted to talk to you all about um I wanted normally I feel like this would be a solo podcast episode but we have so many amazing interviews coming up in the next couple of months we're really batched out like I don't have any time for solos so I just wanted to sit down and chat with yall today here on my YouTube channel like the good old days talk about things okay so back to like what I'm avoiding basically I am like you know deep in grief I'm only like 3 and 1 half months out of it not out of anything but since it happened and running has been something that has been so helpful to me like when you you really unless you've experienced grief and loss especially like as close like like you can't understand especially if it's not someone who is like literally like you were shared your whole life with them like sibling loss is so difficult because there's not many people who like are talking about it and your siblings are the only people that you are supposed to have your entire life like 98% of your life like you're supposed to have them growing up adulthood and then have them like once your parents are long gone like you still have your siblings so sibling loss is just like so awful and then like out of order deaths and then like losing someone who's so young I mean like it's just been God awful and to lose my little brother I mean that was I couldn't have lost anything worse running isn't very helpful trying to describe grief it feels like I'm not even going to try like this is not even a good example but like it feels like you're at the edge you're at a cliff one day that felt fine and then you were all of a sudden there's like this crazy storm you are pushed into the water that's like 300 yard beneath you the waves are crazy you can barely breathe all you want to do is go back to shore but you don't have an option other than to like swim through the other side and like learn how to deal with it like it's not something that I feel like you ever like fully even heal from it's just something you like have to learn how to live with so with that being said like your body feels like it's on fire so often it's just like you're you just feel so weird and numb and not like yourself brutal brutal brutal brutal brutal doesn't even do it justice trying to explain it just feels stupid cuz you just like can't it feels like I'm like running things out of my body if that makes any sense and I've never gotten to the point where I've enjoyed running or like looked forward to it and it's something that I look forward to every day like it's not like when I'm running I'm like oh my God I'm so glad I'm running all the time but it's like I have to run to like get all this stuff out of my body and it's been very helpful so I've been using the Nike run Club app I love the Nike run Club coach Bennett actually commented on my Tik Tok very recently l so you know and I got a garment watch this tan thing that's messed up it's messed up because I haven't fixed it but here it's messed up because of my garment watch so like who would have thought I would become a runner um honestly not me it's 400 p.m. I'm drinking my first coffee of the day too like things are really really odd for me these days something that I'm working on like I'm trying so hard is I really want to believe like good things are coming I heard someone say this one time and it's really resonated with me like currently of I don't feel lucky at all in life like right now with this loss but I do feel very fortunate to have the people around me that I do have like on one hand my friends I have the best friends in the world and like I love my friends and at the end of the day like what I really care about in life are like my relationships so that's been I mean like to see like the ways that like my friends have shown up for me and done so many things I mean like Macy has like dried my hair for me because I couldn't move like I can't even like describe it I mean Dom was on a flight immediately like I cannot this like makes me really emotional I feel very fortunate in the sense that like my family has really come together because we've had I had such a tumultuous childhood like with my family like I didn't have that family that was I me my parents are as divorced as they can get and yeah I just I don't know I feel very fortunate that like in these times of losing like my step brother and my brother like we've come together a lot closer than we ever have been because a lot of the time people go the opposite way like you really go one or the other and I feel very fortunate not lucky I feel very fortunate to have that be like the case so with that being said this past week has been very very brutal I had two weeks where I was like non-stop booked by the hour and that was good for me like it is good for me to be able to like compartmentalize and like do normal things and go out and like I'm not incapable of doing like normal things I will say something that's weird is that like my body or whatever it is very like in tune with things that I should and should not be doing like there's certain people that like just overnight I think I just got a lot of clarity honestly is what it is but there's just certain things that overnight I was like I they're not even close to me but I'm like I know that I cannot I'm not supposed to be in their life or like they're not supposed to be around me I feel like I just got a lot of clarity around a lot of areas in my life which has been something I like wouldn't have necessarily expected um I feel like I'm like going like really on like such a tangent but something that I'm working on right now is and I'm trying something that I'm really fighting through and like working through right now is believing that like God still wants good for me know that I have so many other good things in life like with that being said I would give every single thing up in my life including my own Limbs and honestly my life to have my brother back like I would do anything so it's like yes I I am so lucky in other ways and I do I have seen God show up provide in those like I I yes but like I am having the hardest time like thinking like good things can still happen to me I went into this year so excited about this year feeling like it was going to be like such a Monumental year for like positive reasons and obviously like January took me out basically and I'm back and I'm able to do things and like grief is just different and it looks different for everyone and I'm still doing the bare minimum and I'm still like have to be very very careful even with like who I'm spending my time with and who I'm around like there's certain people even friends of mine that like I wasn't even like super close with before for whatever reason I just feel a lot like safer around I just I'm looking for like safety I think at this point but I'm just having like a really hard time thinking like good things can still happen to me I think just because I've seen and experienced so much tragic loss but I don't want to think that way like I want to believe and like in certain areas of my life I can believe like good things still happen like obviously none of them would ever compare or consolidate or make better or whatever losing my brother this is like completely separate from that I I use God because I believe in God but like you can translate this to the universe or whatever it is that you believe but like in having faith in whatever it is that like there is the Unseen for me like I believe in God it's one of those things where I've seen God like show up in so many other areas of my life for like I know I trust that God will do good in my friendships because I've always had such amazing friends around me I trust that God will do things in my career but like spe like one area specifically is like my like dating like romantically um which I feel like this been like more highlighted just because again like when like going through this I feel like I've just gotten so much Clarity and like I am wanting to like fall in love like I God forbid want to get married like God forbid you know like I really do feel like I'm ready I feel like I felt that way for like a long time but now it's like I want good things to happen like I want to fall in love I want to be happy I want to be spending time with my friends I want to be doing things that are important to me like I had to make a decision of like I'm still on this earth like I have to make my life like a life worth living and that doesn't necessarily mean like all these like career accolades like for me at the end of the day the things that matter the most to me like really always matter the most to me are my relationships and like my actual like life that I am living I want to like fall in love and get married and have a very healthy marriage and like plant roots and like build something like with someone else I just feel like I built so much and I can only do so much on my own at a certain point like I do want that you know so it's like I don't know why I have such a hard time like believing that that will happen and then I feel like because I don't have like the faith that that will happen it's like I know that it will but I don't know if I believe that it will I feel like it's like this mind game that I have of like well because you don't like actually truly believe it with your whole heart it's not going to happen like I don't know I just like get very twisted and in my head and I don't I don't want to feel that way like at all and I want to truly like believe wholeheartedly that like good things are coming and good things are happening and there are other things like behind the scenes and good things are happening good things are coming like that is what I want to believe I think in general I'm just very ancy for change I feel like I'm on like the brink of some like not even like Breakthrough but like something change like I just want change I want something different in this time of my life like not that I think I'm going to be like healed and okay with the fact that like my brother's gone it's not that it's just that like I have to learn how to live life with grief and navigate that in the best way that I can and the healthiest way that I can and so like this summer I really want to spend like a lot of time with I want to travel a ton but it's not necessarily cuz I want to go like to these places because I want to surround myself with like specific people and I love my friends here like I really do but I have like so many like amazing very close friends like all over so it's like I want to make sure that's a priority and that I'm doing that and that I'm surrounding myself in areas of like people who have like strong faith for me like people who believe that like good things like I just need to really watch where I am and like what I'm listening to and who I'm listening to and just like believe that something good will happen I also I mean I've said this like the last week has been so brutal and it's also made me think like with YouTube it's like I don't even know like I don't know if I should take a break from YouTube it's just so hard for me to even film when I'm like so down and I'm also like all over every other platform so I get to the point sometimes too where I'm like do I like do I keep doing YouTube I've been doing it for 10 years like I'm on other platforms like is this where I should be spending my time is this what I should be doing do you believe in care like and then I just like spiral out of control I don't know like I thought about maybe I just take a month off and I don't film a month off of YouTube not everything else and I just like don't film and I just like focus on like my life and the people around me and like letting like new things happen I don't know I do have some like weird feeling that like something is coming like I and maybe it's just me being delusional like maybe it's just because I'm so desperate for something good to happen which is likely but it's also like I'm trying to live from that space and like believing good things are happening and that good things will still happen to me so I'm not like mad that I feel that way you know when I think about living a life that's worth living to me it really always does come down to like the relationships and the people in my life and like I would like to meet someone like to be like there's specific friends of mine that like I would like to be around more like I don't know I just I'm ready to like plant roots and like grow a life basically I feel like I'm just I feel like I've grown up so much especially just in the past two years and before like I loved being single and like being able to do whatever I wanted and like not having to have to answer to anyone else or whatever but like I really am at a phase where I feel like I want that and I'm ready and I don't feel like I've always felt like those two together if that makes any sense and more than that I feel like I've just gotten so much Clarity on what I want and I have like such a specific thing and I feel like that's what's always been hard for me in dating is like one I hate dating like I don't want to go out on a bunch of dates like there's it doesn't there's nothing that sounds worse than that like I need to be set up through friends that that's what needs to happen but also I have like such a specific Vision that I see for my life and like I need someone who has like a similar vision and also isn't working like a traditional job and is able to like Bop around and do different things and is creative and like like would go split time between like here and Tennessee or like like going to La for a month at a time or like just bopping around and just doing different projects like just being able to be very flexible and open and live this like very big life um and not that like someone with a 95 like couldn't get there I don't it's just more so of like a difference of mentality and then I need like a specific view on like the world and a very specific view on like faith and so it really is like such a specific kind of person you know what I mean so anyways I'm sending myself positive thoughts all right I'm like really trying I feel like I'm getting there like it's been helpful to talk to friends about it um and I'm also like never open into that stuff so it's been good also guys I don't even think I've talked about this on YouTube yet but I was on Martha Stewart TV is that the craziest thing you ever heard let me tell you the story it I like don't really want to tell the story I've told it on the podcast I'm actually not going to tell it you have to listen to the intro of Shannon Forest podcast cuz I'll cry it's a crazy crazy story of like me ining up on Martha St TV but I am on Martha Gardens at the ask Martha part so season 2 episode 5 uh about 19 42 and at that like 1942 minute Mark very exciting I shot it here Martha shot her response in New York obviously that's like the craziest thing ever and I've been so excited I found out about it like February like late February so I've just been waiting for it to air and I'm just like oh that was literally the coolest thing ever and my homeor the episode came out too so um if you guys want to go you can stream the Roku thing is all free like you can watch Roku on the app Mark the gardens season 2 episode 5 and then my homeworthy house tour is out I love homeworthy I watch their house tours all the time so I was so excited when they reached out because like I it was like a dream of mine anyways I probably would have reached out to them at some point so my homeor the episode is out and available now hopefully we can do like a Christmas tour as well I love their stuff if you guys like Home Design like you love homeworthy I really really love it hi y'all it is now Tuesday so it's been a little bit I tried to Vlog yesterday my camera died and and then honestly the past few days have just been brutal and I'm trying to like get myself in a good mood for today we are throwing that surprise party today so I need to be like you know on the the up and up I've literally never said that in my life I don't know why I just said that I have meetings starting in like 45 minutes and I have a 30- minute run that I need to do right now it is raining I mean it's not really raining it's just kind of slightly drizzling even though it says 0% on the weather app today I just drink pre-workout so I'm feeling very jittery but I need to just run this out and then I think I will feel better and then we've got to get some things done today I need to get my nails done side note from everything I need to do not like the influencer list of get your nails done but like they're so outgrown that they're in pain and I need like I have to do that I'm putting out for days so anyways today's goal is to be a little bit more emotionally stable and feel a little bit better this has been a rough week um some weeks I do better than others this week has been rough putting it together I have my powders pre-workout my water also like I've barely been drinking coffee because that's how bad my anxiety has been like I've just had such bad anxiety that I've like stopped drinking coffee which is crazy for me you guys see the Vlogs you know what are y'all if y'all are Runners like me sorry this has literally been a run Vlog so far what headphones do you guys use cuz like I don't mind these but I don't mind these but everyone's always replying to my story saying they're like crazy to run with and that they'll be way too hot when it gets hotter this summer it's got of been nice of the rain though cuz it's like literally in the 70s right now and it's June that like doesn't happen Okay I just finished a 30- minute run I ran I think like 2.6 Mi like very slow pace but the wind was coming at me and the rain was coming at me like this wasn't as bad as oh toxic this wasn't as bad as like what my actual run of the rain was that I did a couple weeks ago and it was like pouring and I like just had to run and I came back and I was literally soaked it was kind of fun but like oh my God it was tough so anyways I have to hop on a call in 10 minutes I'm just going to take it from my car and then go home and and get on the rest of them I've been on a bunch of calls I just planed out the friend of mine like IG feed and it looks so good and we're just making some good moves we're making some progress feeling a little bit better also I got a PR package from coach which was so crazy if you follow me on Instagram this little Journal like how cute another thing guys if you followed me during my college days this journal is a different color actually maybe it was this color might ring a bell because I was so obsessed with these journals from Barnes & Noble I don't know what it is about them I just loved them they're like my life journals more so um but I bought like five of them in a row and then they stopped selling them we never saw them again and I went back with Ally last week cuz she came to visit and we found it so got that anyways back in my so back in my journaling era [Music] 400 p.m. rolled around the Sun was out guys seriously I'm so sorry by the way about how much I mentioned the rain in this video like if you guys knew what we were going through this past week you would understand also I could never live in Seattle that's what I've learned okay I used to love the rain now it's horrible okay anyways it was time to set up maisy's belated by 4 months or 8mon early birthday party we had just a couple like honestly like her closest friends over and it was so much fun I got Jersey mics we had all of our favorite drinks because to liquidate your assets of course my new floats from funboy the signs from Amazon Leslie got Suzie cakes um and we all just like hung out sat outside it was so much fun we wore our mosquito bracelets if you know you know I love how this looks like I'm just obsessed and I brought out my cute little new Mackenzie child's tray I'm [Music] obsessed so I'm getting ready I'm getting ready for Macy's belated surprise birthday party I got her some funny things these are all on Amazon also look at my cute new fun boy Ro they look weird cuz they like think together but it's fine we have cute little birthday things we have birthday glasses we also have birthday hats but I think we're going to end up wearing the glasses and then Macy has a birthday girl Sash and a birthday girl Crown she's going to hate it amazing so all over here I'll show you we have our favorite drinks which Macy loves the Spritz but she doesn't really drink that much alcohol and like it's a school night so um these actually just happen to get sent to me I don't know actually how to pronounce the name I just know that this is my favorite non-alcoholic brand one of them I love their other ones that I had in like January they're so good and it's a spritz but it like actually tastes really good you have sprits is going to like taste bad but if you get them right they taste amazing and all summer long I just want to be at my pool with the Spritz and like this is perfect gives you the same Vibe like if I were to put this over ice and like my wine glass like it would feel like I'm drinking an actual Spritz I think we're going to s a plastic stuff just so it clean up easier tonight but I have my cute little McKenzie child's tray out here and then I also put some um Olli poops on there that are her favorite and then we're going to have like a liquidating your assets thing I guess I should like update you guys on what we're doing so look that was so sweet that was I would say the best part about throwing a surprise belated birthday party is that it is so low stress because they're never going to guess that you're throwing them a surprise birthday party when their birthday was 4 months ago so I would actually really recommend this as you can see here she was very taking it back she was actually not very taking it back she was just very confused um if you guys want like cute videos of the night and stuff they're on my Tik Tok and on my Instagram we had the best time here she just was a little bit confused you know because her birthday is February 16th birthday um hary hey were you surprised yeah really I'm on my list of things I thought was going to happen tonight not a birthday party no good morning y'all it is Wednesday morning I am running out the door to get a run in before my weightlifting class today is a very short run I think I have like a 22-minute speed run I have a Four Mile this week which I've never ran four miles so I'm a little bit scared about that but I haven't had the short of a run in a bit so F by me the party last night was so fun Macy obviously had absolutely no idea so it was a really cute fun night and today I need to go something that I'm looking forward to doing is I am going shopping for a second so the new Reformation opened in North Park and they invited me in and then I have this other vintage shop I want to go to and I need to get a facial so today's actually a really easy day I really just need it I feel like I've just been in fight ORF flight for so long all right y'all I'm feeling better than I have been the past like week I just made some coffee I made breakfast I've been getting some work done I just sent in three new things it's really one thing but different colorways to get sampled for a friend of mine which I'm really excited for we have a new product launching at the end of the month and it's one that I am like over the moon about like I just think it's so cute and it's so amazing and it's just perfect I I just went another email I need to respond to but I'm going to head out I need to get my car wash I need to go to this vintage store to get new jeans I need to go to Reformation I need to get a facial hard day I know um but honestly I deserve this today I really do and then tonight I'll come home and work I'm at Reformation right now it's so insane so I'm in the dressing room hello and then you add things here and they bring them in there and you open in they there I'm going to get a facial thank God my skin has felt awful all week Micron needling my favorite I go to gerani mention my name for money off it's the best and the best prices for literally everything I do everything here here's my skin now it's a little crazy I just stopped to do a bit of vintage shopping and then I just got tired and overwhelmed and I I'm going home um my skin feels so tight but getting micro needling done it's the best thing ever my skin feels so tight but myling is the best thing ever happy Thursday y'all it's 8:00 a.m. I'm going on a walk just made my coffee my body is sore this morning I have another brain codes appointment brain codes is like brain mapping and narrow feedback it helps a lot with anxiety it helps a lot with focus it helps a lot with brain fog I felt like IID made a lot of progress prior to losing Cody it and I will say like if I wouldn't have done brain codes prior to this I don't know how I would have survived because it has it like has quieted my mind like before I feel like everything was always so fight ORF flight I just know I can tell the difference that brain codes has made because normally my like anxiety aspect of it like it would have just been so much worse I can just tell a big difference so anyways I'm back going um and I literally just sit there they attach things to my brain and I watched G more girls and then they just like it's like you wear these headphones and it's like rewarding your brain for doing the right thing so anyways we go to that and then I am going a blowout tonight we have Stitch Club I need to pack for Miami tomorrow update on my skin the redness is not even that bad at all I'm not going to put makeup on for 24 hours but it put hyaluronic acid on this morning which I put the wrong the wrong one on I didn't realize it until it was too late but still like it's crazy I'm getting so much stuff done this is like a maintenance week I guess but uh maintenance week is crazy hi y'all I'm back I got a blowout I feel so much better I'm tanning tonight like it's all going to be better um I just got dressed for the day here is my fit my skur and my Topp are abomi I probably should have done like one size smaller I don't know it just fits a little weird this V I just got it's from Dan and matter then I'm wearing my favorite boots toova Josie they're my alltime favorite I wear them all the time um we're going to do oh okay no I'm going to do a little bit of a haul because I actually have quite some stuff yesterday I actually got a package from my Habi this dress which I feel like is going to be so cute with the right accessories like I just think it's such a flattering fit and I love this I just ordered a ton of jewelry that I'm really excited for this summer they also got me this dress it's also red I have a lot of red today this was supposed to be black but I think they were out of black um really really cute you can just like throw it on and it's so comfortable I love this I'm always wearing like long dresses honestly guys I need to go through my closet and just get rid of a ton of stuff and donate so much stuff I feel like I'm always doing that I really need to now that I have all my summer stuff out cuz I'm like I just need to I need to like get to that coach the bag they sent me look how cute it is this cute little green bag I love coach I oh it actually looks really cute with this outfit um so cute you can wear it like this you can wear it crossbody I think it's so fun the cute little green moment like I love this bag and I want to get back to wearing outfits that I'm actually like excited about I feel like I haven't really gotten ready in a bit I was sent these pilot socks which are really really cute I think they're Dallas based teeny a bit stronger and then hot girls do Pilates I've been wanting to get back into re former Pilates so excited for those ordered four of these during Memorial Day the mondai Sands self tanning foam and Ultra dark this is the Tanner that Dom had from PR at her house and I used it when I was in LA and it gave me the best tan of my life so I literally ordered four because they were on sale and I'm going to tan with these tonight they're amazing it's always really nice to have like backup I love a product like I If it's on sale I will buy like 15 of them moving on to a swimsuit haul from NYX I got this cute little suit with this top I just thought it was fun it's kind of giving Mom like my mom would probably wear this swimsuit but that's fine you know my mom has good taste so cute I also got this I didn't know how to feel about it like I honestly felt weird about it and there's supposed to be like period swim suits or something like that this skirt it's like giving tankini but I thought this would be kind of just fun to like have I will say it sits a little low eyes like if I were to have bought this in person I probably wouldn't have got this I wish should just sat up a little bit higher on my stomach and then um just a triangle bikini I mean I'll definitely still wear it most of the time when I'm in a swims I'm at my house anyways so love that and then I got two I actually got three from Abra comi I ordered them for Memorial day as well the blue one that I wore at Macy's I will will say I got the curve love tops being really excited about them but they're almost like too much coverage I'm going to keep them just because they're still good suits but it's just like oh they're they're very high coverage so if that's what you want curve love is amazing like look at how cute this pattern is with this little rib design and then also the bottoms but I feel like I should have sized down a little bit I got the same suit Macy actually also got this one I thought this is really cute maybe I accidentally did no it is I thought this one was like this is so cute very like Meredith Blake and then I love this like so so so cute from Hill House I ordered two long skirts because my vibe for the summer are ballet flats long skirts tank tops lots of jewelry hair up that's what I'm doing so I got these two cuz it's just so hard to find the right like maxi skirt I feel like I so much from Princess Polly and they're not exactly what I want and these are exactly what I want they were definitely pricier but if I'm going to like wear them all the time I feel like it's worth it and also like it just looks cute even with these boots like I love I could have worn this today actually like this would even look cute with what I'm wearing right now so I got this striped one and then I also got just this Navy one because Navy is like my favorite color right now I will be wearing these literally all summer and if I really like them enough I'm going to buy them in more colors because I feel like they're just the perfect staple from Reformation yesterday I got two things I'm really excited about both of these pieces so this one I'm going to wear this weekend in Miami um we're actually going to W Palm but like look at how cute this is and I think I'm going to do cute little slides or something with them the right earrings it's just so fun like I think this is the cutest dress I don't like how it's showing rings gold um I sized down by the way and I maybe could have sized down twice cuz Reformation just runs really big and then I got this top which I'll probably wear in Miami in 2 weeks with a matching red skirt it needs to be steamed but really cute very elevated very classy which is kind of like the vibe I'm going for these days um I think that that is pretty much it I did get stuff from jams and matter oh oops what this vest that I'm wearing right now the red jacket that you guys saw and then also this top I got it really oversized but I think I either should have gotten one size up or just gone smaller because now it's actually like really hard to stop cuz it's right at the point where it's like a centimeter too short to be addressed but a little bit too big to just wear over stuff so I don't know once I'm tan maybe if I wear this like with jeans or something I like the idea of it being like buttoned up all the way too because it has a really cool C if you can tell here um I love jams and matter they have the coolest like most unique pieces and I just think they are the best I feel like that's everything I wanted to show y'all I think so I think we're good tonight we have Stitch Club a friend of mine and then tomorrow I'm leaving for Miami to go visit Liz and it is like a much needed girls weekend where we can just like chill and hang out but I think I'm going to take at least a week off YouTube maybe two weeks I have a friend coming and then I'm leaving again and honestly just day to day I'm like really having a hard time and I can do the other stuff like I can do podcasting because it's like I have a time and a place and then I can like clock in clock out with filming YouTube videos it's hard because I'm like filming my life and one it isn't I don't feel good like grief is I feel like like with my friends like in a day to day like I'm okay but like grief is really ugly and it makes me feel very like gross and then I don't necessarily want to film myself during that and then also on top of that I feel like I'm like like okay well I can't deal with this or you stop crying cuz it's a film and stuff and I just like I just need a break basically is like what I'm getting at could be a week it could be a month I honestly have no idea I love vlogging so maybe there will be days when I'm home and I don't have visitors that I feel like filming I don't know I'll be on Tik Tok and Instagram podcast and stuff watch the podcast there's is still a weekly podcast video being posted to YouTube but honestly I think I just like need to do this for myself and I think I just need to go live my life like more than anything not that like YouTube doesn't allow me to do that like I love YouTube and I'm so grateful for it and it has given me like literally everything in my life but I just don't feel like I'm in a place where I can give you guys like good content and feel good about it and feel good about myself in the content because even when I'm trying to like get my point across or speak my mind or my feelings because I'm so anxious it comes off like different than how I feel necessarily if that makes any sense so I think I'm just going to take it could be a week it could be a month who knows I really just in the next couple of weeks want to live my life and try to feel the best that I can I'm still going to be I'm not like not working like I'm still going to be doing all the other stuff um but just as far as YouTube goes when it's like filming my day today I just don't feel amazing like I need to give myself space and time and I need to go experience things that I wouldn't be filming anyways like I need to go do things with people that like I wouldn't be vlogging anyways so I love you guys um I'm really sorry if you happen to care about the Vlogs I will be back I love YouTube it's always been like my main thing it's like my favorite thing but actually I don't even think it's my main like my career has evolved a lot but I don't know I'll be everywhere else it's really not going to be that big of a difference or that big of a deal and hopefully when I come back the videos will be better and not that I think I'm going to be like fine but I I just hope that when I'm back I'm in like a better head space right now I just I need a break if from just YouTube I can do the rest of the stuff and my day-to-day honestly is pretty boring anyways cuz so much of it is running my business friend of mine so anyways I love you guys um I hope you guys enjoyed this video let me think of anything else I need to say before I log offer it could literally be a week and I'm back and I'm like I'm just kidding guys that was a joke um but yeah I hope you guys are just living your lives to the fullest doing everything you've ever wanted to do comment below where youall are watching from um I love y'all so much and I will see you in my next video or on the podcast YouTube channel this week like I'm literally WE Post every single Thursday we've got our episodes good to go and done and yeah love y'all I'll talk to you later bye