Jeff McEnery - The Single Man Diet

All right. 29. I'm single. There's one woo right on. Oh man. There's ups and downs to being a single guy. I think the worst part about being a single guy has to be your diet. Because like a lot of single guys in here, I eat horribly. I really do. Like this is how bad I eat. I buy Kraft dinner and microwavable Kraft dinner. You know for those nights when cooking Kraft dinner. Just seems too arduous a task. You know I boil for seven to ten minutes, stir occasionally. Who am I? Wolfgang Puck? Let's nuke this poison. Oh you eat horrible when you're a single guy. Single guys in here. How about this one? Single guys in here. You ever pooed green? You ever pooed and then were terrified because you could immediately rule out vegetables as a culprit? That's right. I'm a 29 year old man googling green poo at 1am. Well it's either lucky charms or cancer. That's it. And I think it's because I can do this. Like that's why I'm single. It's because I can do that. Talking to a room full of people. Easiest thing in the world for me. It really is. But I get so shy and nervous I screw up my pickup lines. So like every girl I've gone out with had to come up to me. And that's what happened the last one. She's like you want to go out? Sure let's go out. So we went out for a couple of months. But then we broke up because we realized we're from two different worlds. And the day I realized it was the day we met each other's families. Because you got to know this about this girl's family. Her mom's a politician. Her dad's a university professor. She had traveled the world. They invite me over to their house. They have their own private library in their house. One of the books they have in their private library, How to Take Photographs of Exotic Fish. Okay now let's cut to two hours later shall we? She's at my nanny and poppy's meeting my grandparents for the first time. My uncle Scott shows up unannounced. And at one point my uncle Scott literally says this. He goes he goes he goes I don't care what them pigs say. I know the law. They can't step foot in my trailer without a ******* warrant. You know I don't think it's destined to be my love. You know imagine if it had though. Imagine if we'd have gotten married. Oh my god how entertaining would that wedding have been huh? Oh my god not not one usher would ever had to ask the question. Are you with the bride or the groom? Not one. No no. All they would say was okay sports jackets to the left. Jeans jackets to the right. Double-breasted suit you're on the left. Double breast tattoo you're on the right. Women wearing pearls left. Women named Pearl right. So there's there's things you miss about being in a relationship man. There's things you miss about being in a relationship. Like like girls I love you. You're amazing. You're spectacular. You're beautiful. Girls should not be allowed on Facebook. Not not all together for but for about two months after breakup because the stuff you write on there a little ridiculous. I mean like you got my friend Rachel. My friend her boyfriend dumped her. So so Rachel wrote this. This is this is her status update. She wrote she wrote ever since Derek broke up me my world has become completely filled with darkness and shadows. That's her status update. Ever since Derek broke up me my world has become completely filled with darkness and shadows. Okay folks if your world is completely filled with darkness that same world can't be filled with shadows.