Washington's Dream - SNL

I hear the British are sending another 5,000 troops. How will we ever win this war? By remembering what we fight for. General Washington. Sit, please. We need your strength for the fight ahead. We fight for a country of our own, a new nation where we choose our own laws. Hear, hear! Choose our own leaders. Yes, sir! And choose our own systems of weights and measures. Weights and measures, sir? Yes. Yes, I dream of that one day. Our proud nation will measure weights and pounds, and that 2,000 pounds shall be called a ton. And what will 1,000 pounds be called, sir? Nothing. Because we will have no word for that. Seems like we should have a word for 1,000 pounds, sir. And yet we won't. Because we are free men, and we will be free to measure liquids in liters and milliliters. But not all liquids, only soda, wine, and alcohol. Only those, sir? Yes. Because for milk and paint, we will use gallons, pints, and quarts, God willing. And how many liters are in a gallon, sir? Nobody knows. And, sir, in this new country, what plans are there for men of color such as I? Distance will be measured in inches, feet, yard, and mile. So 12 inches to a foot? Uh, 12 feet to a yard. If it were only so simple. Three feet to a yard. And, uh, how many yards to a mile? Nobody knows. Okay, well, how many feet to a mile? 5,280, of course. It's a simple number that everyone will remember. I must confess, it feels a little complicated, sir. Why not use meters and kilometers? We will, soldier. But only in certain unpopular sports like track and swimming. For popular sports like football, we will use yards. Football, sir? Yes. It's a sport where you throw a ball with your hands It's a sport where you throw a ball with your hands. So in football, there is no kicking? There's a little kicking. You kick the ball to get points. How many points, sir? Sometimes one and sometimes three. I'm very confused, sir. Do not worry. For our new nation, we will have rulers with two sets of numbers. Inches on one side, centimeters on the other. So we can see where they line up? Yes, except that they don't line up and they never will. Liberty, son. Liberty. And the slaves, sir? What of them? You asked about the temperature. I did not. We shall have two different unrelated scales of temperature. One of them will make sense to the entire world. And the other will be super random. In our great nation, we'll use the random one. What is the scale called, sir? Fahrenheit. Spell that for me. Impossible. But one day, if we are brave, we will get rid of the U and a lot of British words like color and armor. But by God, we will keep the British U in the word glamour. Only glamour, sir? Only glamour. That is my dream for our countrymen. A melting pot of different measurements that will make Europeans throw little tantrums. In short, a land of liberty. Where all men are free.