How NOT to Bolt a Boulder (Parody)

We are going to bolt a boulder today and show you how to develop a boulder from the ground up so stay tuned on this episode of Hell Not To Highline. Hi I'm Ryan Jinks and this is Bobby Hutton and today we're going to show you how to bolt a boulder problem and we're going to talk to you for 20 minutes before we even show you that because you're a captive audience and we want to spew our politics of bolting before we even show you the part you came to see. Now we're in an area that nobody's ever been in before so we're pretty excited to develop this and then share it with the world. By the way we only wear helmets when we're making videos including when we're sitting down. Now it's almost 70 degrees and I'm getting really hot in this jacket so we're going to cut this scene a little short and start this. What is this stack of rocks here for? What's the first steps of developing a boulder? So you want to start from the ground up or the base up so it's really important to find a landing that is kind of terrible because it's really motivating. If you fall and you break your ankle you're going to try not to fall again. Very important to have proper protection and you want to lay it out it doesn't really matter where just so it's below you that you can if you fall like you'll have time to figure out where to land on it so just kind of anywhere like that. So what kind of bolts are you using today? Since boulders are so short we want to use the strongest hanger that we've tested so far and then we're going to attach it very well to the wall. What kind of glue do you use? Gorilla adhesive not glue. Why do you choose this duct tape over other duct tapes to install your bolts? It was the most expensive one on the shelf so I figured it was the best. So does this prevent you from having to drill? No we'll still drill anyway. So how do you place a bolt Bobby? So it's really important to consider it, spend a lot of time figuring exactly where you're going to put it because you know it could be there for a couple minutes. We need to find a really flat spot so that we have really good adhesion on the duct tape and the rock. Oh something really important now we don't have any. It helps if you put water on there to really clean it off but we'll do it afterwards. So make sure it's really on there and then final final measure half piece of duct tape a full piece is overkill. And that's first placement. So now that you're all set up you got your first bolt how do you proceed? How do you get your second bolt installed? So you got to make sure your safety systems are fully in place, your posse far away, music playing, dogs barking, your boulder pad down below you. Then you you do the first moves you get in the stance and then you can place your second bolt. Pro tip make sure you have all of the protection that you need where you can grab it. So we placed our bolt so we might as well use it. The ground falls kind of getting to me so that that click that sound gives me a lot of comfort as a sport climber. Every time I hear that I just get more comfortable. So we can continue on that little different technique there. Oh good I brought the bolt. Very important half duct tape. Oh not quite good enough. Okay so I'm ready to continue. So now is the time as a boulder where you do some really gratuitous celebration maybe some some yelling jumping up and down. That's more Ryan's thing so I'll let him do that. So once you've made it to the top if you're if you're not a yeller or a celebrator it's very important to have a rocky talkie because you got to let everybody know your accomplishments because you just accomplished something. Even though it's bouldering lowest form of the sport the height wise you got to let everybody know but you only need one because they're right there. So Bobby did really well explaining to us how to develop a boulder but I'd like to insert my opinions into this video because I'm the one who edits it and so there's something I think he messed up on the headgear is I don't think this is the right stuff I haven't seen this before but you know what I have seen things like this. So now that I got the proper headgear he forgot something that is pretty much the only gear that average boulders use and that is chalk. You want to have the biggest chalk bag that you can get to compensate for your lack of ability to climb the boulder the first try and so what I'm going to do because I mean there's a lot of different moves here I could just end up needing more than I think and in case I can't reach the chalk bag which is probably going to stay on the ground this way I have like extra that I can uh resource if I need it. So I feel like I'm ready and I'm going to clean the route that he just uh set and that way we leave no trace. My boulder pad is in a position that makes me feel better because that's all boulder pads. Watch me okay in order to clean the route I like to go above it. Wow that's actually really easy to clean uh some people like to unclip the quickdraw first and my experience just pulling them off is a lot faster and then uh and then you just top out and then you do what Ryan does. So in case you can't tell we think we're funny and uh if we are please let us know because not actually quite sure anymore. If you have a joke that you think would be good for a bouldering video let us know in the comments below or if you have jokes for other types of sports that we can make fun of please let us know below. We do love boulders. Boulders are people too. They actually climb rocks and don't try to compensate for their lack of athletic ability with gear whereas I big wall and I have a lot of gear to make up for the fact that I have almost no athletic ability including rope jumping so uh bravos to you guys. I think we're maybe just jealous of the fact that you have forearms that are the size of my thighs. We're trying to include everybody this year including boulders which really don't have gear to break. Climbing. A lot more big wall videos because I know you guys like that and even some caving videos and I'm not going to forget about you slackliners. So make sure you hit that subscribe button and stay tuned following the stuff we do this year. Cheers. Are you a boulder? I've tried to boulder but that athletic ability thing really gets in the way of it. Do you always handstand on top of every summit you get on? It's the only trick I've got. Are we funny enough to do this? I don't know. I mean can you keep a straight face for two minutes? This is gonna suck. Are you ready to pebble wrestle? Go. All right. God damn you got me. You never know it may be there for a couple minutes. Okay um. Wouldn't it be really funny if I actually fell? My last name is Jinx. I really shouldn't say that. Yeah it's really important to have chalk like everywhere and all over the boulder. Like this really should be totally white. You shouldn't be able to see any grains. That's when you know it's fully developed. Bobby doesn't want to do it anymore. He quits. You're so close Bobby. But you only need one because they're right there. Nailed it!