Adoption and Finding Resources for the Special Needs of Your Child with Rebekah

Hi, this is Sheri from ourlifehomeschooling.com, where I write to encourage moms. I share stories of everyday moms in hopes that it will inspire someone and encourage them wherever they are on their journey. If you're starting out homeschooling this year, for the very first time, I want to tell you that you can do this. You are surrounded by a host of many homeschooling families who, though we may struggle sometimes with our inadequacies, we have one thing in common, and that is that we deeply care about our kids. And we want to see them move on to the next level in their process of learning. And I think that's a huge factor in their success, to have one person who's invested in them for life, walking alongside them, helping them along in their journey, in exploring and discovering the world and what God has made for us. I am sharing today an interview that I had with a close friend of mine, Rebecca. Rebecca and I have been homeschooling together from, well, from when I started. She, if you've read my story, she is one of the other four homeschooling moms that we've kind of stepped out together. And we're a little unsure of ourselves, but we stepped out together and started homeschooling around the same time. We started meeting in each other's homes every week and just beginning to be a support for each other. That eventually turned into a co-op, which has grown exponentially and which we are still a part of today. Rebecca has a lot of experience finding resources for her children, some of whom have special needs. I think Rebecca has done a fabulous job of reaching out and finding resources for her kids to meet their needs from vision therapy to speech therapy. They've gone to a horse camp and I don't want to steal her show. So here is my friend, Rebecca. ‫ Hi, Rebecca. Hey, Sheri. Thank you so much for doing this interview for letting me interview you. Yeah, thank you for asking. Yes, I'm just really excited to hear your story and I'm trying to think back to how long I've known you, but we basically started homeschooling at the same time. You were one of the first people I met where our oldest were both the same ages. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, and I met you and I met Robin and then eventually Jen and Melissa and the five of us were just thinking about it and we kind of stepped out together and started meeting in each other's homes every other week and that turned into a co-op and we are still a part of that co-op and our kids have grown up together and I'm just so thankful for how things turned out and so I'm going to let you go ahead and introduce yourself and your family. Sure. Okay, well, my husband Greg and I have been married for 22 years and we, in our second year of marriage, I contracted a life-threatening illness and it took a long time to recover from that. So we didn't have children. We brought the boys home after we had been married for nine years. So we started later than most people and our boys, we have five children all through adoption and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love that God wrote our story that way and I just, I'm so thankful for all five of our kids. But two of our first boys came from Russia. They were two years old when they came home and they were born three months prematurely and had just major global delays. They were 12 and 15 pounds at two years old. So yeah, they had really some things that we needed to work through. Several years later, we went to Ethiopia and adopted our 10-month-old daughter, Haven. And then we were in the process to adopt again from Ethiopia and saw a little boy from China on a waiting list and he had visual deficits. My husband's an optometrist and I turned around and asked my husband what was going on with this little boy's eyes. And when I look up, he has tears in his eyes and said, what are we going to do about that little boy? And God had planned for us to go get him. So we put Ethiopia on hold for the adoption that we were in the process for and we went to China and brought our three-year-old son home and he also has autism, so he has visual deficits and autism. And then we went back to China, I mean, Ethiopia a year and a half later and brought our 15-month-old daughter home. So it's been a busy many years, as you know, because you've been watching us through all of it. Yes. And it has been just, it's been really special experiencing it with you and when I met you, you had the twins, Jaken and Josiah, but then, you know, experiencing waiting for Haven and just, you know, then seeing her and then eventually Hudson and Lonnie and just watching them grow up. Because we have kids that are about the same age as your kids and so they grew up together. Well, I remember, I'm sorry, I remember, I don't know where I wrote this or if I wrote it to you or if I, I wrote it somewhere, maybe in a journal I was keeping, but I remember watching Bryn, one of your daughters, at co-op and just feeling the sadness that I couldn't have Haven with me, even though we knew who she was, we had already, you know, we were getting ready to meet her and I just was sad, you know, Ethiopia was two trips, so I had to leave her there. We had to leave her there. Oh, wow. After the first trip, but I remember watching Bryn and just they're only a week apart, their birthdays, right? And I wrote in a journal how I know the two of them are going to be good friends and I'm anxious. Yes, and they are. Yeah. They love each other. Yeah. Great memory. Well, one thing I've always admired about you is, you know, just having children that have some trauma in their background. They have some special needs and I just feel that you've done a phenomenal job at finding resources for them and just, you know, kind of tailoring their education to their needs. Can you talk about that just a little bit? Sure. Well, we knew when we brought the boys home that they needed family and we knew that we weren't, we didn't, they didn't need for us to send them to another institution, that their greatest need was knowing family and the security and the love of family. But we also knew that they needed some of the resources too. And so it was, man, it's tough because back then, excuse me one second, Sherry, but back then we didn't have all the social media. We didn't have, like, I didn't use the internet a whole lot. But I mean, it was, things have changed so much even in the past 12 years. And so, you know, now I feel like it's really easy to find resources, you know, just get on your computer and you search in the search engine. But back then, I just didn't do it as much. But one thing that I would encourage people to do is contact their local resources like the IU, early intervention, and then they kind of help you from there navigate. So that was really helpful. When the boys came home, we got early intervention for them. They received, they didn't know what to do with toys. They would pick up a toy and just throw it across the room. They had no idea what these things were for. So they received play therapy. And then that turned into speech therapy because the therapists kind of know, and they can help you decipher, okay, your child does need, I think needs some speech therapy. Let's get them evaluated for occupational therapy, things like that. So we were able to get the gamut of therapies for them. And that was really helpful. But it wasn't just therapies. I mean, our boys, you know, did gymnastics. When they were four, we got them involved in gymnastics for therapeutic reasons. And it was huge for them. It taught them balance and being able to focus on an activity which they just could not do at all. So, and there's so many resources out there. And your boys are awesome at gymnastics. Thanks. My boys have, you know, kind of grown up alongside them and tried to keep up with their, I don't know, all their triple, double flips. I'm sure I'm saying it wrong, but they are. Yeah, they enjoyed that when they did it. Yeah. So one other thing I want to mention is that if you have a child with special needs, even unseen special needs, because a few of my kids have anxiety and ADHD, things that on the outside you wouldn't really notice unless you really get to know them. But you can apply for medical assistance in Pennsylvania. I don't know about other states, if somebody from another state, but you should look into that if you're from another state. But in Pennsylvania, children who have special needs, and there's a whole list, you can go on the website and look at what they could qualify for. And then you would receive therapeutic services for free after when they are school age. Because once they're school age, they no longer, if you homeschool, they no longer qualify for the IU-13. So you have to get private therapies then. Okay, so they no longer qualify. But there is also this other option. Right. It's good to know. And didn't you, I know I've seen pictures of some of your kids at a horse, like, was it horse daddy? Yeah. Or what was that? Oh, this is an amazing opportunity for kids who come from traumatic backgrounds. So most of the kids at this farm, it's called Green Meadows Farm in Lancaster. And I, it's the most amazing place. What they do in the bottom, yes, you should because they, they really are amazing. They do, they offer these therapeutic sessions for kids with traumatic backgrounds or who were adopted for free, completely free 10 weeks of an hour and a half a week, of course. So they do things on the farm, they teach them how to groom a horse. You know, they, they do all kinds of things. My one son who's receiving the therapy now, his therapist is a man and he has been praying with him and just, he just comes away with this peaceful demeanor. And it's just, it's, it's an amazing place, really. But there's, there's things like that. You just have to dig and you have to, you have to branch out and you have to ask and, you know, and I, I found out by accident about this place. So did you have to, you said you did have to dig, where did you look to find, did you just look on the internet? Did you ask friends or how did you, where did you go? Well, like I said, when we first adopted and we started homeschooling there, I didn't have the resources except for our small group of support, which was awesome. But now, you know, with Facebook, they have every group you can imagine. So I'm on all these adoption groups on Facebook and that's, and there's a homeschooling, adoption homeschooling group as well. So I'm on that group. So they offer resources and stuff like that. So you've been, you've been homeschooling for a while now and, you know, you go through different stages and different parts. So just thinking about where you are now and the experiences that you've been through, if you could go back to the beginning when you were just starting out, what advice would you give yourself? Oh man, I would tell myself not to compare what we're doing to what other people are doing. And that, when you're first starting out, I mean, you're just looking for advice, you aren't totally sure how it should look, you're, you're just kind of trying to wing it a little bit and pretend you know what you're doing. But I found myself comparing what we were doing in our house to what the others in our co-op were doing. And it felt like I was failing a lot. You know, I would, oh, I remember one time I emailed a mutual friend of ours and if I told you who it was, you would realize that that was probably a big mistake because she's very scheduled and she's very on top of things and you probably already know who I'm talking about. But I asked her what her schedule looked like because I was, I'm not a schedule person. So like being on this rigid schedule is super hard for me anyway. But actually, that's been really good that I'm not that way. I think it would be really hard if I was, had that personality with the type of needs our kids have. Yeah. But anyway, she emailed her schedule and I bawled the rest of the day. I just couldn't stop crying. I'm like, I can't do this, what am I, I can't do this. You've all been there. I mean, it's, it's something we all do or have done is prepare yourself at some point to someone else and, you know, with or without special needs, every family is so different and has different dynamics within the kids, with the husband's work or, you know, other, other elements that could be part of the family. And so to compare is just to just, it's going to be such a letdown. Right. Exactly. It's, you know, we each have to live out the journey that God has placed before us to the best of our ability. And when we compare, we're, you know, I should make it personal. When I was comparing, I was basically saying what you're doing in your journey is better than what I'm doing in my journey. And what your kids are doing is better than what my kids are doing. And it's not fair to the kids and it's not fair to you. And so I would tell my younger self to just relax and enjoy being with your kids and enjoy the little moments and let them play. Yes. Without forcing them to sit and do worksheets and play a numbers and letters game, you know, like just be a little more relaxed about it. Yes. And be yourself, be who you are and who your kids are and be OK with that. Right. Yeah. There's a book. Do you remember the title of the book, Teaching from Rest? We did it in our co-op. That book was a lifesaver for me when I read it. I was just at the perfect point where it just really helped me. Yeah. What did you take away from it? I took away that I was trying to, I was trying too hard to manipulate a school situation in a box instead of stepping back and being at peace with where we are, where my kids were and just moving forward with grace for myself and my kids and enjoying what we're doing. I think that is when kids learn the most is when they feel comfortable, when they feel safe, when things are at a pace that they can handle. And you, as their mom, know what that is better than anyone else. And when you can come to that point of relaxing and enjoying the process, like she says in her book, I'm trying to remember. This is Sarah Mackenzie's book, Teaching from Rest. She says something to the effect of a happy mom is like a joyful, peaceful mom. That's what our kids want and that's what they grow best under. That's where that book was so encouraging to me, too. Yeah. You know, it's funny you say that, because even now when I get stressed, my boys especially feel it and they know it. And Josiah, one of my twins, will come over and just rub my shoulders. He's like, it's OK, mom. It's all right. He's just so sweet. Like they know and they like it better when I'm relaxed. So he's willing to give me a background. Maybe I should use that a little more. I'm stressed, Josiah. Yeah. But yeah, they like it when you are at peace and relaxed and they learn better. Otherwise, it makes them feel especially, I mean, for any person, but especially a kid who always already has anxiety or ADHD or something that they're dealing with, like we have in our house. When I am stressed and I can't hide it, it completely changes the tone of our home. So of our school day. I experience that with my kids very much so. So the next question I'm going to ask you is one that I have just had to answer myself. And so I've been thinking through this question this past week. When this interview is published, it's actually going to be probably a month from now. And just now I'm doing my interview and writing up my things. And I've had to answer this question. And I'm curious to hear what you have to say. What's been your biggest challenge? So my biggest challenge is probably going to look differently than what your biggest challenge was, just because of the nature. But the biggest challenge I can tell you up front was going through the adoption process so many times, bringing children home and helping them deal with trauma while homeschooling. Adoption is all consuming. The whole process is consuming emotionally and just it's draining. And then bringing a new child in who's not an infant, who has some special needs, who is traumatized. I remember one of my kids for every day for about three months, I would spend an hour to two hours with him screaming at the top of his lungs. That's and it took as a mother, it is so bad, so hard. And I just had to hold him. And what are the other kids do? So, you know, so we had to work through that. We had to do school around that. And thankfully, my husband's mom would help some unknown territory for you. Yeah, right. Yeah. So that that was our biggest challenge, you know, but it was it's been a beautiful journey, but it's been a difficult journey when you add in all the extra layers. Yeah. Yeah. So that's a lot similar. We didn't have the adoption experience and some of the trauma that when I was answering the question. My own personal discouragement or feeling like I was not adequate or was not, you know, doing the job I should have or that was just something. And I think a lot of moms feel that that if somebody else was doing this, they would be doing a better job. Oh, my word. Definitely. That is I still feel that sometimes, honestly, I don't know if that ever goes away. I think that you just have to fight that you have to speak truth to yourself and you have to remember that God has placed the exact children that he wants with you, whether through birth or adoption. And he's equipped you in so many ways. You know, I graduated with a degree in social work and I have used it more in being a mom with the kids that God has given me than I ever did the 10 years that I worked prior. I mean, it's just he equips you and he gives you what you need to be the mom to the kids that he's given to you. And you have to remember that and you have to speak truth to yourself and be in the word. You have to allow him to speak to you. It's not about giving yourself pep talks all the time, although sometimes it is. But the word is what gives you the truth and exactly what you can go back to and to be able to speak the truth to yourself. And the truth is a lot of times the truth is that we are inadequate except for him. We are unable to do all of these things except for him. And beyond that, he reminds us in his word that he redeems all that is broken. And even us, even the broken pieces in us, you know, even when we feel triggered and, you know, there's there's always things from our past that trigger in the present. And our kids are sometimes they can push a button here and there, they don't even know they're doing it. You know, they're just kids. But something within us is stirred and we just have to remember that God redeems all of those broken pieces in us and our kids. And, you know, he the word of God just reminds us of who we are and and who equips us. And for those times that we aren't adequate or we don't feel like we have, he is enough. And I can speak personally to times when I just there was something that was really missing or there was just a need in just relying on the Lord and asking, you know, just praying that somehow the Lord would open this up or provide this that one of our kids needed. And that happened. It does. Yeah. You know, the need was met and we were able to move forward. And it was something that I couldn't provide for myself in that way. So, yeah. And, you know, I just knowing you and knowing your personality, it is a testimony to God's redeeming work. I know you say many times I've heard you say how lucky you are to be their mom and you are so lucky they are precious. And they are lucky to have you, I can see how God just, you know, like we were talking about God puts you are the mom that God created for them, just your sensitive, caring nature and the fact that you don't go like to go by a strict schedule. That's what they needed. The Lord gave them the mom that they needed. And thanks, Sherry. So let's see here. Oh, have you made mistakes? Oh, we all make them. Oh, my word. Yeah, we all do make them. I think you need to go into the homeschooling journey saying, you know what, I'm going to make mistakes and it's all going to be OK. So just know up front that you're going to make mistakes. So, yeah, I mean, I already said one of my mistakes is comparison. And, you know, that that just got me into sometimes, I mean, it kind of killed my joy in homeschooling in the beginning because I felt like I was striving for something that I couldn't I couldn't attain to and shouldn't have attained to. It wasn't my journey. But the other thing, you know, you have to know your kids. You have to know what each kid needs. And we know our kids better than anybody. And some kids need like academic challenge in order to thrive. My kids did not need that. My kids needed me to step back and to not push in the very beginning. I was a new mom. My boys turned five and at five years old, we do kindergarten. Right. I mean, that's what we do. So I actually ended up doing kindergarten for two years. The material. I mean, I say we span the grades because we do. But right back then we did kindergarten. So we did all the worksheets. We did all this stuff. And I shouldn't have. That's one thing I regret. That's a mistake I made. I should have just given them more time. I shouldn't have pushed reading. I actually really think that pushing them to read too early hindered their reading. So I wish I hadn't done that. I I can agree with that because I think I've made I pushed our oldest too hard sometimes, too. And I wonder if some of it is just because you feel like you have to. If I'm going to do this, like you have to prove yourself. Yeah. I do love how after you have been homeschooling a while and you see how your kids are growing and you see how you kind of fit into yourself. I love how you can relax so much more and know that they're going to be OK, like they are going to be just fine. Yeah. You are sensitive to their needs. You keep, you know, progressing, you know, each day working through what you're doing and they're going to be fine. And that is the thing I've loved about having more experience is being able to relax in that way and definitely be OK with that. Yeah. And I think I think the other thing that I was trying to do was to prove to other people who were not totally in favor of us homeschooling that we could do it and our kids could do it instead of just letting people say what they're going to say, because you're going to get lots of opinions. And that's when you're kind of stepping out and people question you at the beginning. And that's probably what fuels that feeling, like you have to prove that you can do it because you're stepping out and, you know, people are like, what are you doing? And, you know, can you do that? And and so you after you've been doing it a while and, you know, people see your kids, they see they're great, they're doing fine. You know, the questions aren't don't come as much. But at the moment, that's when, you know, you're stepping away from the norm. So it can be a little, it adds a little bit more difficulty. Right. And then when you throw in the special needs, yeah, people really have an opinion. Well, the public school could provide this, the school could do this. You know, if you put them in school, they would get these services. And I'm going to be honest that I still wonder sometimes, like for one of my kids, if like, should I? Would he get, you know, what he needs better there than here? But I keep coming back to what are his core? He's a whole person. He's not just an academic person. He's not just, you know, he's a whole person and they would be missing a huge piece there. They wouldn't be able to give him a huge piece of what he needs there that I can get him here. So that's what I mean. You have to, when I say you have to look for resources elsewhere, there are resources out there. You can do it if your child has special needs, you can do it and there are resources. But look into the insurance so that, I mean, we have a sharing program. We don't even have like an actual insurance. So without this, we would be paying privately for everything. So, but yeah. Well, I look at your family and just knowing you personally, I think your kids have been, like you said, not especially the twins having come from an institution. I think they've thrived being in your home, especially because you've been able to find resources and bring them to the home. So they've kind of had the best of both worlds. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Sherry. Well, how about can you just tell us in general what a day looks like for you guys? Yeah, I already said I'm not a schedule person, but I've had to, I've had to get a schedule going because I realize it's better for the kids. So I bite the bullet. But we start our day at nine o'clock in the morning and with Bible and prayer. So every morning the kids know by nine o'clock they have to be dressed and well, mostly dressed. Sometimes they just stay in their jammies and that's called dressed because we're not going anywhere. So that's OK, too. But they have to have eaten breakfast. Most of my kids get their breakfast on their own. I don't do. I know some people like make a breakfast every morning. I don't do that. My kids get their breakfast for the two younger ones. I make breakfast, you know, something simple for them. But they have to have eaten, brushed their teeth, you know, all that stuff. Then we sit down in the living room together at nine o'clock and we have Bible. And I do lots of different things. I don't have like one core thing that I do every day. It's kind of what are we going to learn today about God? So it's it's more of like a devotion time. And then we pray for people around the world. We have friends from Ethiopia and, you know, missionaries in China that we pray for friends in Ukraine and Kenya, just different people around the world. And we pray for them and for our friends here, whoever has me. So we try to one thing that I think is really important is to make sure that kids are learning how to pray for other people and how to be involved in people's lives that way. So we do that each morning. So after Bible and prayer, we do our book work math and I work with each kid individually. I try to get like I try to have kids work on things that they can do independently while I'm working with a child that needs some extra help. And then we switch it. So and then they usually need some breaks during the morning, too. So our day is really flexible. Because our kids have needed more breaks, I feel like than other kids, but a little fresh air, a little running around. And I feel like they're able to get back. And so but we do have to be flexible. You know, I find that many times when my kids are starting to get frustrated, if I don't head it off and they get in full blown frustration or anxiety about what they're doing, I've lost them for the day. Yeah, you've missed the opportunity. Right. So once they spiral and they're done and it's really hard to bring a kid back. So I feel like I'm always managing emotions, you know, with with more than one or two kids. There's always like emotions in somebody going on. So, yeah, at lunchtime, then we sit and we read a chapter book together while they eat. And that's one of my favorite parts of the day. Yeah, we do the same thing. And I love it. It's a special time. It is. Yeah. And then they go out and play for a little bit or, you know, do something inside if it's not good weather. And then usually the little ones are done and the older kids may have some more work to finish up. And then we have chores. And a lot of times I'll let them watch a little TV while I make dinner. So unless they want to go outside and play, which a lot of times they do that, too. Wow. Well, thank you for sharing. I know it's a little intimidating being recorded, and I appreciate you opening up and telling about your kids and their journey and your experiences. And I think this is really going to encourage a lot of people. And I think a lot of people are going to relate to what you've said today. So thank you so much, Rebecca. You're welcome. Thanks for asking, Sherry. It's been fun talking to you.