Why Self Esteem is so Elusive for Us

Today I want to look at self-esteem and I have a question here which talks about how difficult it can be to build self-esteem. So I'm going to read the question first and then I'm going to give an answer. It's a short question but it says hi David I know my self-esteem is low. I've never had confidence and I'm trying to work on this and to accept myself more but it's hard. I have so many things that keep me stuck and unable to live the life I want. Why can't I like myself? So one of the reasons, maybe the main reason why it's so hard for us to build self-esteem, positive self-regard, just basically to like ourselves, is that we have this idea that we are not ready to like ourselves. At some point in the future when all the issues I have, the imperfections, all the flaws, the bad habits, the weaknesses, all of those things when they're all sorted then maybe I'll start to like myself. So it's this perpetual waiting for someday in the future when I can actually do it and all those things have been addressed. So the most important thing to remember here with liking ourselves is if you find yourself waiting for a time in the future when you're going to like yourself that's not the way this works. This has to be something that we can access immediately. So one thing to notice about this is that the flaws that we have that we perceive in ourselves they're not really the problem as such. They're not really the cause of the low self-esteem. It's this perpetual judgment towards these perceived flaws that creates a problem. Again if you've watched any of my other videos I always talk about this inner conflict, this split mind, split psyche we have that's constantly sort of undermining itself. So yes there's a kind of a, you could say a low self-esteem. It has these flaws, it feels hopeless, it feels bad about them but there's this other part of our mind which is more attached to self-improvement. It wants to see change and that's the part that typically looks at the defective part and judges it very harshly, has little patience for it, is out of patience with it and wants it to change immediately. So it's this conflict then that means well these beliefs I hold about myself that they're something wrong with me, they don't get the one thing that they really want which is to be understood, to be given a little bit of space and compassion and encouragement to then maybe start to see itself a little bit differently. So our power in this is in the story we have around our perceived flaws, in our ability to see them not as flaws at all. In the question there it said I'm working hard on this and to accept myself more. So one of the things I hear a lot is this thing about acceptance, self-acceptance is the key to self-esteem. Now I think to be honest we should probably at this point think about retiring the word accept ourselves because really what it's become is okay I guess I'm going to accept all these lousy flaws that I have, what can I do, I can't change them anyway, I'm going to accept them. So it's this sort of negativity around this concept of acceptance. I want to change this from acceptance into celebrate. Celebrate my flaws, embrace them, see these flaws that we have as one of the best things about us. My social anxiety is the thing that I'm beginning to love most of all about myself. I embarrass myself publicly all the time and I really enjoy that and I like that about myself. The way the problems with my body I really like that about myself. So it's not as simple as just saying it like this but this is what we're aiming for is to get to the point where we're looking at these perceived flaws and not only accepting them but really cherishing them, really validating that part of ourselves. Now this part that wants everything to change and improve is also fine but if it's willing to validate, give some space to these perceived flaws, then the likelihood is that we're not starting off from a position of something's broken, we're starting off from a position of something now can grow from this once there's a little bit of validation, a bit of emotional support for ourselves and celebration of ourselves, we will find that growth comes a lot easier. So essentially what I'm saying here it can be tricky because we think well the problem is I just don't like myself. Well it's the part that doesn't like itself and then there's the judgment towards the part. Oh you're such a nuisance, you're holding me back, when will you ever change? Change already, change already. This inner conflict is the thing. So we work on that part that doesn't like, that has the felt sense that there's something wrong with it and then there's this judgment towards that part and if we can both get them to cooperate and stop in conflict with each other, you will find that self-esteem grows very naturally. So don't wait, you can't wait to build your self-esteem for someday when you have enough money or you're more confident or your relationship status is better. It has to be now, there's nothing to wait for in this because it's all an inside job and when we change our mind, we change how we feel about ourselves. So guys I hope that's a useful video today. Keep it in mind, don't wait to start building your self-esteem. Start to look at that now and realize that there's nothing holding you back from developing self-esteem today. Take care of yourself and I'll see you again in the next video.