What to do if my child is a bully

Okay, so dear Mattins, I recently discovered that my daughter is bullying another child. I'm devastated How do I help her make amends and make sure this does not happen again? Sincerely, don't be a mean girl Don't be a mean girl. This is hard. Usually we're thinking about our kids You know being bullied and wanting to protect against that and it's hard for a parent to recognize that their child might be the bully and so I just want to give kudos to this parent for recognizing that because most parents want to defend and So I just want to start there to recognize that. Yes, our kids can bully too And so often when when kids are bullying we have to look at this analogy of the white water on a river, right? So so often we look at the behaviors of kids. It's the white water on the top of a river you can explain that river better than I but underneath there's What is the word structure that's creating the white water? Yeah, so some kind of a circular so rocks Yeah, so we want to look underneath the water for kids. There's something going on for your daughter if she's bullying there's Anger, maybe feeling unseen powerless in a secure in a system Maybe there's been something that's happened in your story Maybe when she was younger or even currently that's playing a role in that But usually kids who are bullying are feeling really at at at the core insecure So really if we think about that, that's what you're going for So we want to help her learn how to restore And to recognize how her behaviors are impacting other people to make amends and Jeff's going to talk about that But really the other pieces is really kind of leaning in towards your daughter and getting help if you're needing extra Resources bullying could be an opportunity to take her to counseling But also it would be really just sitting down and getting a chance to understand Is she doing okay in your relationship as a parent? Does she need more time with you? Maybe words of affirmation really feeling seen in your home Maybe you've got a lot of kids and she's feeling powerless and lost and so she's taking that out at school There's a lot of reasons why so get curious about what's going on underneath that whitewater And when you get to that space where they're where your child is She can see how she's been impacting others in a negative way a hurtful way and where that comes from for her Maybe feeling insecure or angry and not having an outlet and so she's just taking out those things and unhealthy ways on another Then you can guide and help direct and set up an environment of repair, right? so that might be then connecting with the the child who was bullied by your child with their parents and Asking if there could be a meeting and an opportunity for your child your daughter to want to seek repair You know the words that we use in repair are so profound and if you can teach your kids early to use these words It will really set them up for success in their mature adult relationships, right? The how is what we're passionate about integrating biblical clinical relational wisdom So in that moment, right, it's so easy to say and it is for us as adults, you know I'm sorry, and I'm sorry is so transactional. It doesn't mean a whole lot anymore Better to teach your child to seek forgiveness and especially as followers of Christ This is this this piece is so powerful, but it's powerful for anybody in human relationships To to ask for forgiveness. I saw that what I did when I did this impacted you this way. I'm sorry Will you forgive me? Will you forgive me really is that it places the the the child and anybody anyway any person in Reality that it actually is when we've harmed someone else. We don't get to set the table and control that narrative We need to place ourselves under the other person that we heart harmed and give them the opportunity To forgive us. Yeah, and that's powerful when that happens and when that forgiveness does take place if it does happen Then you can really move on move forward And of course, it's important to check in and connect with your child along that way so that they're not repeating You don't want to have a chronic Will you forgive me? Will you forgive me? Will you forgive me? And so part of the built-in is also talking with parents So this is really important for young kids is recognizing that us adults are teaching our kids and not to make this an issue Between us adults, but really to talk with that other parent and say well You keep me informed and let me know if this is actually improving or not And and then that parent can be talking to their child. So that's really how do you keep it from happening again? You build a system around a safe community around your child And so recognizing that some wirings actually are more tempted also to bully just practicing and temp Tempted to use their power, you know to manipulate a group all kinds of wirings and so we're teaching our kids What do we do with how we're wired and how to who we are and the behaviors we have impact others? And then when you mess up, how do you repair? So that's really at the end of the day And if that's not working then that's when you get someone else on the team like a counselor or professional who can help you Understand what's really going under on underneath that whitewater These are great questions, and we hope that you continue just to fire away questions. There's nothing that's off the table here and subscribe To what we're up to and remember you're the right parent for the job and we're cheering you on