This Family Has a Weird Relationship with Cattle - Greek Mythology Explained

So there was a Phoenician princess named Europa who, being an attractive woman with a pulse, soon caught the attention of Zeus. He transformed himself into a beautiful bull and enticed the young lady to ride on his back. As soon as she seated herself, the bull then walked straight into the ocean and swam off with her. AAAAAAAA Europa's father soon noticed her absence and sent her three brothers off to search for her. Cadmus, the eldest brother, traveled to the Oracle of Delphi to inquire about his sister's whereabouts. Oh, don't worry about Europa. She just got abducted by a horny god. That doesn't make me less worried. Anyway, I've actually got a quest for you in order to fulfill your destiny of founding one of the greatest cities in Greece. Oh, okay. That's worth abandoning my sister for. Fill me in. So, you're gonna have to find a cow and follow it. Alright. That's it. You can go now. And so Cadmus did as he was told and followed a cow for a few dozen miles until it collapsed of exhaustion. He decided to sacrifice the cow to Athena and ordered his men to fetch water from a nearby spring. But when none of them came back, he went over to investigate and found that the spring was guarded by a giant serpent. Oh, jeez! Well, they didn't heed the sign, so I guess that's on them. Cadmus killed the serpent and then, under the advice of Athena, he took its teeth and planted them in the ground. Immediately, an army of fully armed soldiers popped out of the soil, giving Cadmus a big spook. He tossed a rock at them, causing the soldiers to battle each other to the death until only five were left standing. Alright, so does anyone want to just get me some water? Because that's kind of all I wanted. But the serpent Cadmus killed belonged to Ares, who was pretty upset with him. And in order to atone for slaying it, he had to serve the god for eight whole years. After his penance was completed, Cadmus finally fulfilled his destiny and founded the city of Thebes in the spot where the cow led him. He married Harmonia, who was an extramarital love child of Ares and Aphrodite, and the gods put on a lavish wedding for them. Hephaestus, the oft-cuckolded husband of Aphrodite, gifted them a necklace, which he assured them was completely free of any curses and would definitely not bring untold misfortune unto their family. Why'd you feel the need to specify that? Ooh, cake! Cadmus and Harmonia had several children, most of whom would meet terrible misfortune after getting tied up in god-related shenanigans. Eventually, the two decided to ditch Thebes and settled down in Enkele. According to Ovid, Cadmus claimed that if his family's misfortunes were caused by him slaying a sacred serpent, he'd rather become a serpent himself than continue suffering. And this oddly specific wish was promptly granted. His wife even decided to join him, and then the two of them were brought to live in the Elysian Fields among other deceased heroes. We'll call that a happy ending, I guess. Anyway, let's see how Cadmus' long-lost sister Europa is doing. So, welcome to Crete. This is the island where I grew up with my goat nanny. I've been looking for someone to be the queen of this place, and I noticed you were hot, so you basically meet all the necessary criteria. Well, do you think you could have informed me of your intentions before conveying me across the Mediterranean? Okay, I'm sensing I may have upset you somehow. Does this mean you're not down to bang? Ugh, I mean, no, I'd still be down, I'm just kind of upset at how you went about this. Whew, okay, cool, that's what matters. So Europa had three sons by Zeus, and then she married Asterius, the ruler of Crete. After Asterius died, Europa's son Minos wanted to become the king of Crete, and so he requested a sign of favor from the gods. Poseidon sent him a sacrificial bull from the ocean, and that was good enough for the Cretans to crown Minos. But instead of sacrificing Poseidon's bull, he simply set it out to pasture with his herds, which ticked the god off. So in revenge, Poseidon caused Minos' wife Pasiphae to fall madly in love with the bull. In order to satisfy her zoophilic desires, I hate that I just said that, she enlisted the help of Daedalus, the greatest inventor in the world who recently moved to Crete after being banished from Athens. Say, what was it exactly that got you banished from Athens? Oh, well... Hey, Uncle Daedalus, check it out. I just made this nifty device that you can use to cut wood. I bet one day I'll be an even better inventor than you. Huh, intriguing hypothesis. Counter-hypothesis? WHA- It's a long story. At the request of Pasiphae, Daedalus created a fake cow for her to jump inside of and court her bovine love. After some acts that I would immediately get demonetized on YouTube for portraying, Pasiphae became pregnant and gave birth to the Minotaur, who had the body of a human but the head of a bull. I can explain. I don't want you to. In order to contain the monster, Minos commissioned Daedalus to create the Labyrinth, a massive confounding maze with the Minotaur imprisoned in the center. Man, I am making a fortune off of this weird-ass family. One of Minos' legitimate sons was Androgeus, who traveled to Athens to compete in the Panathenaic Games. He ended up winning all the competitions, that is, until it came to bullfighting. After that, his athletic career really fell off. When King Minos got word of his son's death and that it may have been the result of treachery from his Athenian competitors, he declared war on Athens. But Minos couldn't manage to capture the city, so he said, Hey, Dad, these guys are being mean and won't let me win. Aw, that's okay, son. Here, I'll curse them with plague and famine. Thanks, Dad. You're the best. I am. The Athenians were then ravaged by Zeus' curse, and after human sacrifice didn't provide them any relief, they consulted an oracle. The oracle informed them that Minos would get to decide the price they'd pay to end their suffering. Minos then commanded that the Athenians must regularly send seven young men and women into the Labyrinth to be killed by the Minotaur. And so this barbaric tradition continued, until one day a hero would arrive to put an end to Minos' reign of terror. On the next episode of Greek Mythology Z, hopefully there's no bestiality. I really can't make any promises, but I have my fingers crossed.