Physician Gabor Mate's Life Advice Will Change Your Future — Most Underrated Speech.

And the more authoritarian we become, the more pressure we put on them, the more they resist. And we call them obstreperous and bad and naughty kids. All they're doing. The parenting psychology in this culture has become anti-child. So if you want to discipline kids, you actually have to make them our disciples. And a disciple is not somebody who's afraid of you. A disciple is somebody who loves you and wants to belong to you and follow you. That anything that you do that undermines the relationship with the child will actually undermine the child's development. Because it makes the child insecure. And most psychologists and parenting experts will tell you, time out. In other words, what they're telling you is, withdraw the relationship from the child as a way of threatening the child. But what have you taught her? You've taught her that the relationship is conditional. That they're only acceptable to you if they please you. Just the opposite of what any loving parent wants to teach. Things to think about when it comes to my relationship with my children. Is that first lesson of happiness is the greatest gift I can give them. Those first seven years are very important. Are there other things? Actually, the first seven years are crucial. I would say the first three years are the nub of it. I always say to people, you get the first three years right, you can relax. If you don't get the first three years right, you'll be practicing remedy or parenting for decades. What does screwing it up look like? How would you know? Well, first of all, you'd know because there I am with my son and I'm not finding rest in it. So I don't know how to be there with him. I don't know how to be there for him. And I was like that. I was always waiting for my kids to grow older when I could intellectually engage them. And now we'll have something in common. But the sheer act of being or the sheer state of being, I could never achieve with them. And it's interesting because I look at my brothers. They're so wonderful with little kids. They're so spontaneously there for them. I never knew how to do that. Because the real relationship doesn't depend on words. It depends on the capacity to be with. I can sense just that energy from you. I'm just here with you. Yeah. And I'm here. And I welcome your presence. Right. And I welcome you to exist in my presence. And I'm overjoyed to have you in my presence. Right. That's what the child needs from the parent. And that's communicated with body language and everything. And to the energy that you exude. And they can feel it. They can absolutely feel it. Wow. They can't name it, but they can feel it. Okay. And that already starts changing their personality right there. That shifts their personality. Okay. They always say that mothers form a different bond than fathers. Is that just another way, an anachronism? Mothers form a different bond, but only because mothers are present with their kids. Whereas the fathers tend to visit the kids. I mean, the father goes to work typically and then visits at home for a couple of hours and then takes off again next morning. Those fathers who stay home with their kids, they learn how to mother their kids. So it's not a gender issue. It's a relational issue. And the mothers allow themselves to be trained by the kids. Whereas the fathers tend to impose their own expectations on the kids. Okay. This is not universal. I'm talking by and large. So those fathers who have the good fortune, like in the civilized countries where parents are given paternity leave, those fathers learn to relate to their kids in a different way than the average father somewhere else. Okay. We can be trained, but we have to be present for the training. In our culture, the children never need to attach. They need to connect with somebody, because without that connection, they don't survive. And in the hunter-gatherer bands where human beings evolved, those attachments were with adults. And not just one adult or two adults, but with a whole set of nurturing adults. Now in our culture, we've deprived the kids of the parental presence for the most part. And the child's brain can't handle an attachment void where there's no attachment figure. And in the absence of the parent or the nurturing adult, the child will fill that void with the peer group. Now kids become far more peer-attached than is healthy for them. And now peers become their models and their mentors and their templates for how to be, how to walk, and how to talk. And as that happens, the kids push away from their parents. Because they're more minded to belong to the peer group, which has different values from the parents. And the kid's brain can't handle that competition. So the brain of the child will actually choose the peer group over the parent group. And where that goes, you can see on Facebook. And you can see it in the teenage gangs. And you can see it in the increasing frustration of parents who've lost a part of parent. Because parents think that their part of parent comes from the fact that they have the responsibility and the strength and the wisdom. It doesn't come from that. The part of parent comes from the desire of the child to belong to you. When the child is driven to belong to the peer group because we've taken him out of his natural context, we lose the part of parent. What do we do then? We ratchet up the pressure. We become more authoritarian. We lose the authority, so we become authoritarian. And the more authoritarian we become, the more pressure we put on them. The more they resist. And now we label them with oppositional defiant disorder. And we call them obstreperous and bad and naughty kids. All they're doing is acting out their attachment dynamics. So if you want to discipline kids, you actually have to make them our disciples. And the disciple is not somebody who's afraid of you. The disciple is somebody who loves you and wants to belong to you and follow you. So discipline is the very opposite of punishment. First of all, you realize that the most important template, in fact the essential template for the emotional development of the child, as well as for the brain's healthy physiological development, is a nurturing relationship with mutually responsive adults. That is the template for physiological brain development and healthy psychological development. That means that anything that you do that undermines the relationship with the child will actually undermine the child's development. Because it makes the child insecure. And kids in state of insecurity are in defensive flight or fight mode, in which mode they don't learn anything. They just are defending. And so that every time I use the relationship against the child. So I have a two-year-old who's angry. And most psychologists and parenting experts will tell you, time out. In other words, what they're telling you is, withdraw the relationship from the child as a way of threatening the child. And that threat will make the child comply with you. Well, the child may temporarily comply with you, but what have you taught her? You've taught her that the relationship is conditional. That they're only acceptable to you if they please you. Furthermore, you've taught them that relationships are unstable and unreliable. And they've learned that you're not available for them when they're most upset. Because why is he acting out? Why is he showing a tantrum? Because they're frustrated about something. Because they're angry about something. Because they're unhappy. And you say to them, when you're most unhappy, that's when I'm least available to you. And this is how parents are taught to parent. Furthermore, parents are taught not to pick up their kids when they're crying. Let them sleep it out. It's just utterly noxious. Because the child who you don't pick up, what lesson do they get? Their emotions don't matter. That's the lesson they get. Just the opposite of what any loving parent wants to teach. So that the psychology, the parenting psychology in this culture has become anti-child.