Amazing Best Man SONG Speech

And so the air hostess said, sir, would you care for some peanuts? I said, why are they unwell? If you found that funny, this is going to be all right. So for those of you that don't know me, my name's Jonathan. I'm Chris's slightly less well-groomed younger brother, and I'm also his best man. Now, it was probably about two years ago when Chris first asked me if I would be his best man, to which my first reaction was kind of a, ah, sound. But then I got to thinking about the kind of thing that is involved, you know, the stag weekend and giving this speech. Then my second reaction was less, ah, and more, aah. But once I'd stopped freaking out and screaming, what I decided to do was just make a list of everything a best man's supposed to say, number that list, and just go through it one by one. So, sounds easy. That's what I've done. So first on the list, don't talk about the stag weekend in Latvia. Fair enough. You did make it home safely, though, as you can see. So, mission accomplished. Ah, second on the list, seriously, dude, don't talk about the stag do. Let's move on to three, shall we? Ah, third of all, thank you, everybody. Now, I know Chris has already done this very well, but I did want to reiterate, to see so many people that you love in one room for a reason as awesome as this really is amazing. So I thank you all for coming once again. Fourth on the list, talk a little bit about my brother. So, a few fun facts about Chris Bonner. One of those is that he's probably the most annoying person on the face of the planet. But he's also a very fast runner, which means catching him to kick his head in is pretty difficult. He's got quite a tendency to listen to bands that you like and make fun of them, only to listen to them himself and enjoy them a week later. I've done that a few times. Oh, fun fact here, he once went three years without smiling. Just ask my mum and dad. But aside from that, we always have been very close and good friends. And he's the kind of guy that always puts family before anything. And I think that is an awesome quality to have in a brother and a man. So I thank you for that, mate. Fifth on the list, compliment the bride. Easy. I'm actually looking around the room, I can see dirt on a few people's chins from when their jaw hit the floor this morning. And Becky walked in the room. Becky, that's my way of saying you look absolutely stunning. Chris, you've punched above your weight and you've gotten yourself a gorgeous bride. I take my hat off to you. I'd also like to add how beautiful the bridesmaids are looking today, Ruth and Laura. It's a good-looking wedding, I think. It's a good-looking room. Oh, I've got to tell another joke now. I must say that after the honeymoon, I felt like a new man. Unfortunately, so did my wife. That's a good wedding joke. Wedding-related, at least, by the way. Anyway, sixth on the list, talk about what a great couple the bride and groom are. Now, I've been privileged enough to know Chris and Becky as a couple for quite a while and I've made some really cool memories with them. The trouble is, because of the amount of booze normally involved, I don't remember much of it. But here's a quick list. We've got drunken Jaeger nights around Chris and Becky's campfire, which never ended well. Drunken ski holidays, drunken camping trips, drunken summers, drunken Wednesdays. There's a slight pattern here. But all of those have endured injuries, both physical and mental. So again, I thank you both for that. Some awesome times, I'm sure we'll have many more. Number seven, embarrass the groom. Awkward. All right, so what everyone needs to think about here is that one day there's a good chance that Chris is going to be my best man. So any smart person in my situation would skip this part of the list. So, being a smart person, what I'm not going to do is mention one of Chris and Becky's first dates, where after walking around Blundell Park for a few hours, Chris turned to Becky and asked, Can I hold your hand, please? I also didn't want to mention the time that Chris had all of his friends around at my mum and dad's house one night and the almighty PB came in and got him into the suplex and made him cry in front of all of his friends. And that was only a few months ago as well. Just bear with me, I'm certainly... I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to hold up this framed poster I had made of Chris as a small boy. I would like to add that this is the censored version. I contemplated an uncensored version, but getting a poster made of a naked toddler is... So you got lucky there. But this will be on show. We'll auction it off later. But I didn't want to embarrass you, so I didn't want to do any of that. But there is one story that I did want to tell, and it's one that I was actually present for. So it means a lot to me. And there is a point to the story, which I will go into after I've told it. But what I wanted to do was tell it in a kind of dramatic way that would do it justice, at least in my eyes. So what I did was, I wrote a little poem. Yeah. Bear with me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you something I now call The Night of the Cluster Bomb. A cold, dark night on the mountaintop in a town... No. No, something's wrong. Alright, poetry's all well and good, but I feel like something's missing. I feel like there was some kind of small... Wait. It's in tune. Oh, yeah. That's better. A cold, dark night on the mountaintop in a town called Maryville. The men at the pub, the women at home. What awaited, no one could tell. The bartender asked, with a welcoming smile, Now, boys, what will it be? Looking around, with curious eyes, A sign one of us did see. Cluster bombs. Vodka, Red Bull, Jägermeister, and tequila. A bomb, we asked, a little alarmed. Do our eyes and ears play tricks? It's true, he replied, with a devilish smile. But be warned, it's a deadly mix. Nonsense, we cried, for here we are men, And no deadly drink do we fear. So he poured the drinks, and we pulled the pin, Raising our glasses with a cheer. But if we'd have only known, Maybe we would have just gone home. Chris, drinking may seem cool, But Becky's got to be up for ski school. So, at this point in the song, I just wanted to add that the girls were back at the chalet. I don't know what they were talking about, how could I? But knowing roughly what girls generally tend to talk about, I imagine it was something along the lines of, Bunny rabbits, X-Factor, David Beckham, Max Factor, Jewellery, make-up, Laura Ashley, curtains. Anyway, I digress. Back at the bar, the night carried on, And many more drinks did we down. With ten percent beer, and many more bombs, We hit every bar in the town. I looked at my brother, through booze-glazed eyes, Trying my best not to sway. My brother looked back, and gave me a smile, And this say, Hey, youth, let's get a drink! This drink's awesome! To which I replied, Later that night, my brother had gone, Leaving just a few of us alone. The bars kicked us out, and with morning not far, We decided it time to head home. I climbed into bed, with a smile on my face, And began to drift away. With a fuzzy head, and a dried-out mouth, I dreamt about skiing the next day. Becky, you alright? What's wrong? He's been sick on me! Could it be true, oh brother of mine, Hast thou committed a mortal sin? With too much to drink, and little regard, Have you treated your girl as a bin? Alas, he was there, his head in the bowl, A little too late, I might add. The next day he awoke, and sauntered downstairs. Yeah, dude, she was pretty mad. Now the moral of this tale, Is if you drink in 10% ale, Or a drink named after a bomb, It could end up in the best man's song. And if you go into hurl, Don't puke upon your girl, She may not marry you, If she's covered in last night's stew. So, like I said, there was a reason I did want to tell that story. And do so in such a dramatic way. Firstly, besides showing what a disgusting freak my brother was, This guy here got drunk one night, And threw up on the girl to his right. He didn't just throw up next to her, he threw up on her. Yet one night, merely weeks later, He got down on one knee, And he asked her to be his wife. And she said yes. Which means either one of two things. Number one, Becky is insane. Or two, there's a kind of love here That most people can only dream of. Chris, right from being a small cub, I've always been so overwhelmed and proud to be able to be here. And that's never been more true than today, mate. I really am chuffed for you, and I wish you a lifetime of happiness. And Becky, we've tried to warn you. You know the kind of guy you've just married. You know the family you've just joined. But you didn't listen. So as of today, the poor thing, You are legally a Bonner. And I for one couldn't be here to be able to call you my big sister. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you'll all join me now In standing up and raising a glass And wishing a lifetime of love, laughter and happiness To my awesome big brother And as of today, my gorgeous sister. To Chris and Becky.