An American, A Brit And A Lebanise Walk Into A Comedy Show In Antwerp, Belgium

Let me present myself to you guys. Hello everybody. My name is Sergey Konstantinovich Lukashansky. I'm from Europe, just European. It's a hard time being European lately. I have to prove my Europeanhood, especially here in the center of the Despicable West. The moment that I say that I'm from Europe, people come up to me, oh you're from Europe, Sergey Konstantinovich? Grisno-brizno, You know, like Gorbachev. But then again, when us Europeans make fun out of the other Europeans, we do something similar as well. In human rights, I'm just saying, we got things in common. We're not so different after all. But yeah, I am from the fun country. But I've been living here for 32 years in Belgium. So I'm a Russian living in Belgium. That doesn't sound good. That's good. I sound scary and boring at the same time. It's like literally the worst of both worlds. It's like I will kill you but with paperwork. I will make you fill out the form in four languages, one of them Klingon. No reason. I've been living here for such a long time that I no longer have the tough Russian accent. And that is unfortunate because the Russian accent makes your life so much easier. Those people are from Eastern Europe. You know what I'm talking about. Because when you have the Eastern European accent, nobody asks you more than one question. They hear you talk, they're like, eh, it's okay, we'll talk to somebody else, okay, bye. You never have to make reservations in a restaurant. You just go to the restaurant and you say, I make reservation. You instantly have a spot, eh? There are tables opening up left and right. You can never get mugged. They hear the accent, you're no longer a victim. I think I'm going to make them. You're joining the crew. It's true. Exchanging blades and life stories. Tell me about your life. But that's the thing with the accent, because everything sounds scary with a Russian accent. Even animal noises. Like you're from Luxembourg? How does a dog bark in Luxembourg? Woof woof, wuff wuff? Exactly, it's cute, it's nice. You know how the dogs bark in Russia? Gav gav. What? Gav gav? Really? You instantly imagine like a pitbull doing squats next to a BMW. If Kim dies, Kim dies! Okay, that's a scary dog right there. However, animal noises sound scary in every language and stupid in every language as well. Do we have any Italians in? How does a dog bark in Italy? Bye-bye. Have you ever heard a dog enunciate the letter B? Have you ever been in Rome and you see a little chihuahua run by? Bye-bye, ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba! That is not a dog. You know how the dogs bark in Hebrew? Huff, huff. That's just borderline racist at this point. You know how the dogs bark in Korean? Meow, meow. I mean, if you laugh, that's on you. That's on you. But it's funny, when you have the accent and you don't speak the language very well, people forgive some things that you say very easily. Like, for example, my grandmother had a stroke a few years ago. It's not funny yet, it will be in a minute, don't worry. It's like, it's a Russian thing, you know. In Russia, we don't have dark thoughts, we have thoughts. That's it. And after one year in the hospital, the head nurse asked me, my mother, what can we do to make your grandmother's life easier? And my mom, who doesn't speak Dutch very well, she said, I know, electric chair. And I have to explain, she means wheelchair. She's talking about a wheelchair. It runs on electricity. We're not that horrible. And then you get away with it. It's fine. That's fine. That's fine. What can I tell you about myself? I've been doing comedy for 10 years, according to myself. Very important detail. According to the Belgian government, I've been avoiding employment for 10 years. Yes. That's a difference of opinion. Because of that, I had to do lots of shitty jobs. And I'd like to tell you the stupidest job I ever did. Because everybody's working here, you're all making money, you're all bankers and drug dealers, I understand. Understand? But let me tell you the most stupid job in the world. A few years ago, I was working in a call center. Hold on. A call center where I was supposed to sell hearing aids. Take all the time you need to process that business plan. That is literally me just calling people up and going, can you hear me? If they say yes, I have to hang up and call the next guy. That's the whole business plan. Stupid job. Another job that I used to do for a very long time, I used to work as a tour guide with Russian and American tourists. Do we have any Americans in? Not that many. And they're very sad nowadays, if that makes sense. All right. But let me tell you, Americans ask you questions for which you're not prepared. They ask you questions which change your whole outlook on the world. We were traveling down the river Rhine, and a woman comes up to me, she says, Sorry, guy. Because that's how they sound. Sergei, why is the river flowing backwards? The worst part about that, I instantly thought to myself, is the river flowing backwards? Can a river flow backwards? Bro! But because she's American, all I had to say was, in this part of Europe, it's normal. And she believed me. Another woman on the same ship, she comes up to me, she says, Sergei, do these stairs go up? I said, let me check. I went up the stairs, did not come back. It was the best day of the cruise. She spent a half hour waiting for me to descend from heavens. That was crazy. That was crazy. But yeah, what can I tell myself? I live in Antwerp. Has anyone ever been? Yeah. Well, yeah, that's the city where I live. I live there with my mom. Well, not together. I'm, you know, not that horrible. My mother, I always had a hard time remembering my mother's birthday, but 9-11 took care of that because that's her birthday. In case you didn't get it. And it's like, it's very funny because my mom, every year she goes to me like, Sergei, don't forget my birthday. And I'm every year saying like, Mama, never forget. That's how that works. That's how that works. Also, working with Americans, I mean, I get to say this. I get to make fun of Americans because, you know, I'm Russian. We have so much in common. I mean, until recently, we even had the same president. And he might be back. We'll be right back. But let me tell you what makes me happy. I don't know. You guys are a couple, right? How long have you been married for? Okay, that was a different answer. So then, she said something, you said something, then you looked at each other like, who are you? Okay, so, sir, what is your name, lady? All right. Just going to skip through that, that's not going to go. Let me ask you, sir, what makes you happy in life, you know, going on vacation, reading a book, eating something nice, having sex with everybody? What makes you happy? What? Doing art. So those were your possibilities, and you're like, doing art. Alright, it's cool. Vacation? Okay, cool. Still fucked it up. But alright, she's right here, bro. I gave you so many opportunities. Alright, cool. Let me explain you what makes me happy. With me it's very specific. What makes me happy are dance moves from boy bands from the 90s. Do we have any boy band fans? You just raise your hand, you didn't even make a noise, so it's like, I'm old. Okay, good. I love boy band moves because you can have a very ---- day, but you do a few of those, your day is better. You know, like my cat died, I got fired from my job, Putin's gonna throw a nuclear bomb, and your day is better. Like, what do you do for a job, sir? You work in the bank. Well, imagine you get fired from the bank, but just before you leave, you tell your boss, baby, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. You win mentally, you're the winner. Or you're walking here through the street and some guy comes and says, you come at me, bro, come at me. He wants to pick a fight. You're like, all right. And there's no fighting. Nobody's gonna fight a dancing guy and I just asked the question if you guys are fans, but you all didn't respond But I'm gonna prove that all of you are fans of boy bands with a very simple trick What would you guys say if I say you are? This is how you get cults started, right? I only need the two words to activate all of you like a Manchurian candidate. My fire Fire. the one believe altogether Every show there's always one. Those are the fun people at karaoke parties. That's what it is. I always wanted to be in a boy band, but I couldn't because I don't have the right voice. There's also no such thing as a Russian boy band. If you put five Russians in a row, that is not a boy band. That's a firing squad. It's a bit too soon, I know. Also, anything you do with a Russian accent just doesn't sound, you know, like romantic or sexy, you know. Everybody, rock your body. Rock your body, rock your body right. It sounds horrible. First I was afraid. I was petrified. Stop it. Stop it. Mama just shot a man. Put a gun against his head. Pulled trigger. He dead. Ha ha ha. Okay, easy put it. Oh Jesus Christ. That's too much. That's too much. If you make it romantic it's only worse. Loving you is easy cause you're beautiful. Everything I do, I turn love for you. La-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la. Maintain eye contact. La-la-la-la-la. This is really bad. Pretty bad. The song which I find to be like the most Russian sounding song is, funnily enough, a song by Celine Dion. I don't know what it is with Celine, but if you listen to her lyrics, those are just Russian lyrics. I remember night was so cold. I would freeze in bed if I lay beside the window. But if you touch me like this, if you hold me like that, it is all coming back to me now. And you're like, Celine needs to go to therapy. Celine has seen some ---- she doesn't want to talk about. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for my time. Thank you for listening to me. I hope you enjoyed this time. Catch you next time.