30 Minutes of Jimmy O. Yang's Comedy

I got a girlfriend now. I love her very much, man. She's an amazing person. She's very successful. My girlfriend's a venture capitalist. Yeah, ******* jackpot, right, you know? It's great, it's great. For you guys that don't know what a venture capital means, it means that I'm the poorest person she knows. And what that really means is I'm her sugar baby. So it's great. That's right, that's right. Gender equality, that's what I'm talking about. It's time for men to get taken care of, that's right. See that brother high-fiving his girl? Appreciate you, man. Fellow sugar baby. Come on. That's right. That's right. I love her, man. I'm trying to be a better boyfriend. I'm new to this, like, boyfriend stuff, right? I used to take everything so personally. Like, every time we get into a fight, I'm like, babe, why are you mad at me? I'm the perfect boyfriend. Wrong answer. Fellas, fellas, if your girl's mad at you, you can't take that ---- personally because it's not even about you. She doesn't even know what she's mad about. You just happen to be there. You know what I mean? You're a victim of circumstance, man. So it's not your job to engage in an argument. It's your job to diffuse the situation. You got to jujitsu that ---- until you get to the bottom of the real problem. Like the other week, she was mad at me about something. She was like, babe, I feel like we don't even like go on date nights anymore. I'm like, okay, I hear you. But what's really going on? And she was like, well, sometimes I feel like you like hanging out with your buddies more than you like hanging out with me. And I'm like, okay. I hear you, but what's really going on? And then she takes a deep breath. And she was like, my birthday? Heather brought a cousin and she didn't even know my name. I was like, see, that's your problem right there. You got nothing to do with me. Heather's cousin's a bitch, you know? **** her, man. Let's focus our energy on her. I'm trying to be a better communicator, man. My girl always wants me to talk about my feelings. She's like, babe, I wish you'd talk about your feelings more. I'm like, I feel fine. What more do you want me to say? I don't know. I'm not that emotionally evolved. I don't know what else. I'm fine. But don't keep asking me that. Because the fifth time you ask me that, I might not be fun. The fifth time you ask me that, some dark ---- is going to come out. It's like, babe, how are you feeling? I don't know. I'm angry all the time. Because my dad yelled at me after ping pong practice. Guys and girls were just different, man. Girls are so emotionally evolved. You know, we even hang out different. One night I came home early. My girl was having a girls night at the house. I've never seen anything like that. The TV was off, seven girls sitting in a circle, making direct eye contact with each other. Every candle in the house was lit. And I walked by, I'm like, what is this witchcraft? And I just backed into my own room. Fellas, we hang out different. Guys, when we hang out, we sit in a straight line. TV on full blast, zero eye contact with each other. My girl came home early. She was so confused. She was like, babe, you guys didn't talk for like six hours. I'm like, yeah, isn't that ******* awesome? But in a relationship, it's important to speak the same language. My girl asked me, she was like, babe, what's your love language? I'm like, what? She's like, you know, your love language. Like, how do you convey love to your partners and loved ones? Like, for example, a love language could be words of affirmation. I'm like, words of affirmation? I was raised by Asian parents. I've never heard one word of affirmation in my life. Nobody ever told me, Jimmy, you're so great, you can do it. They're like, don't **** it up. Their love language is verbal abuse. Trying to figure out my love languages. Physical touch, right, it's another love language. Nobody touched me until I was 22. I'm not familiar with that. What are some other love languages? I like every woman just screaming out at their partner, Act of service! Gift? Gift giving is a good one, okay? I love giving gifts to my girl. She loves giving gifts to me. We love that, right? Like, for example, I love buying my girl shoes. She loves shoes, and we wear the same shoe size. Gift for the whole family, you know what I mean? These are her shoes tonight, you know? It's me purple. That's right. And in return, I let her wear all of my Jordans. Yeah, guys, you guys know that's love. Because Jordans, to guys, that's our most prized possession. If we let you slip into our Jordans, that's like you letting us slip into you, you know? Same thing. But sometimes, sometimes I get a little nervous because her feet's a little dirty, okay? And she's a white girl, so her feet extra dirty. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know, white people, I don't know what the **** you guys do with your feet all day. You guys just barefoot all the time, frolicking around like Jenny from Forrest Gump, you know? White people, you guys got some strong-ass feet, man. Just 120 degrees outside, hot cement, just like... Y'all got some hunter-gatherer feet. See, every culture, we got different feet etiquette, all right? White people want to get in touch with Mother Earth. That's great. On the other hand, I lived with a black roommate for six years. Never saw his toes once. He came out the shower with socks on, man. You got a sock drawer there? Asian people, you guys know the rule. When you come into the house, you take your shoes off, right? You're like, we all know that. Yeah. But our feet actually never touch the floor. Because when you take your shoes off at the house, we've got two pair of house shoes ready for you. And then when you walk outside, we've got two pair of Crocs ready for you. And then when you come back in the bedroom, we've got two other pair of slippers that we stole from a hotel in Vegas. We're ready. Our feet never touch the floor. We've got baby soft feet. I think Asian people, our most natural love language is acts of service, right? That's what our parents did to us. They might never say, I love you, but they did a lot of nice things for us. Every night, I don't care how busy my parents were, they'll come home and make a five-course meal. That's love right there, right? You got to give it up for them. You got to give it up. That's right. In our culture, food is love. I love cooking for my girl. We love cooking together. Food is love. That's why I hate watching all these reality cooking shows. Where they make food so freaking stressful. Like all these guys with aggressive tattoos. And they're just sweating it in the kitchen. They're like, yes chef, yes chef. And they're just making ******* scallops. There's two items on the menu and they can't handle that ----. You go to any Chinese restaurant, there's about 485 items on the menu. And there's one dude back there in the kitchen. He's not even a chef, he's somebody's uncle from Hong Kong. And he knows how to make everything in under 30 seconds. That guy's the real hero. You know what I mean? In a relationship, I think it's important to know how you convey love. But it's just as important to know how you receive love. You got to be vulnerable and let your partner do nice things for you. See, I'm not very good at that. I'm terrible at like directly asking for things that I want. So instead, I just drop little hints. That's called being passive aggressive. Don't do that. Don't do that. Like, for example, I love watching these YouTube videos of Japanese housewives making bento boxes. It's very nice, very cute. It's like a little ASMR, you know? And it's just really nice. This Japanese woman wakes up at 6 a.m. every day to make her working husband a bento box. But I can't ask my venture capitalist girlfriend to make me a bento box. I'm not an idiot. I'm a sugar baby. I know my role. So instead of asking her directly, I just drop little hints. Like we'll be sitting on the couch together. I just pull out my phone. And pretend I accidentally stumbled onto this video. I'm like, oh, what is this? Bento boxes? Oh my God, it's so cute. What is that, like a rice ball shaped like a panda? Look, look, look, look. Wow, so she makes this every day for him? Wow, she must love him so much. I thought I was being slick until she came out to one of my shows and she heard this joke. And she was really upset, man, and rightfully so. I was just up here talking ----, right? We went home, we got into a big fight. She was like, babe, that's bullshit, okay? If you want me to do something, why don't you just ask me directly? And if you really want somebody to make you bento boxes, why don't you just go find a Japanese woman? I'm like, babe, I'm sorry you feel that way, okay? But I think you're missing the point. You don't have to be Japanese to make bento boxes. That's right. So now I'm making her bento boxes every day. That's how I show my love. Ever since I was five years old, my mom had me believe that anything I do would make me sick. You go outside without a jacket, you get the flu. You go to bed with the fan on, pneumonia. God forbid you fall asleep with wet hair. You don't even wake up. That's it. You're dead. That's it. You're dead. My mom was like the original fake news. I'm an old man now. I don't even like going outside anymore. All my friends, they back to normal, right? They're like, oh, Jimmy, you want to go to Coachella? I'm like, nah, no seats. Doesn't look fun to me. The only concert I've been to this year, I took my girlfriend to a Don McLean concert. Yeah, you guys know who that is? Yeah, couple people, thank you, thank you. Don McLean, for you guys that don't know, sang the song, Bye Bye Miss American Pie. Yeah, he's old as ----, dude. He's 77 years old and so was his audience. It was my favorite concert I've ever been to. On a ticket, it says the show started at 8, started at 7:59. He doesn't have an opener, you know, he just came on stage with a guitar and started singing. It was awesome. Nobody stood up to, like, obstruct my view because, frankly, everyone had a bad hip. It was great. Still got home in time to watch the 10 o'clock evening news. That's my kind of evening. You know what I mean? I don't like going outside anymore. Too many crazy people, too many weirdos. One time I went to this dive bar in a military town, San Diego. Big military town. I love my military, okay? But I think sometimes, yeah, yeah, but I think sometimes military people get a little too passionate. You know? Thank you. Thank you. Exactly my point right there. Thank you. I love military, but they're just too passionate. Like I was at a dive bar This one military brother came up to me. He was just like hey man. I want to buy you a drink I'm like no no thank you. I can I can buy my own drink. Thank you. He's like no I want to buy you a drink so at this point I thought either he wanted to take a selfie or he wanted to **** me so I'm like no sir I think I can buy my own drink and he started telling me his whole life story He's like you don't understand. I want to buy you a drink Because I was stationed in Okinawa for four years. And you guys have been nothing but nice to me. You guys? Okinawa's in Japan. I'm Chinese, sir. And he's like, it doesn't matter, man. It doesn't even matter. I'm like, sir, I think it does matter, right? Pretty sure the only reason you were stationed in Japan was to keep an eye out on Chinese people like me. It does matter. He was like, it doesn't even matter, man. I still love Pad Thai, okay? Okay? The point of saying all of this is Asian people, we don't all look alike. We don't all sound alike. You know, we don't even do anything alike. We're just people, you know? Right? Like, everybody's different. Thank you, white lady. Thank you. Thank you, one white lady. Appreciate it. Thank you. So tonight, I want to offer you guys an advanced lesson on how to tell Asian people apart, okay? Yeah, that's right. I'm so good at telling Asian people apart, I don't even need to look at you. I can tell you what kind of Asian somebody is by the sound they make. When they're disappointed. Because disappointment is our strongest emotion. Whenever we get disappointed, our ancestor just comes out, and you can't hide that, you know? Like, for example, I'm Chinese. I know Chinese people very well, okay? When Chinese people get disappointed, we're just disgusted. We don't even want to look at you. When you disappoint a Chinese person, they're just like, oh, shh. Like, they just walked into a smoky room, and they got to clear it, just like, oh, shh. See, that's Chinese people. Japanese people, when Japanese people get disappointed, They just want to know why. They ask you a question. When a Japanese person gets disappointed, they're just like, eh, eh, and that's it. You didn't go disappoint a Korean person, I wouldn't recommend that, because Korean brother might **** you up, okay? Korean people are intense, they're ready to fight, but they're my favorite type of people because they're very emotionally honest. A Korean person will let you know when they're disappointed. They're real guttural with it, you know what I mean? When you disappoint a Korean person, they're like, ooh! But they're still very Asian, so they're still real polite. They'll thank you with that. And they're like, I don't even speak Korean. But I watch Squid Games. See, that's great representation. Number one TV show in the world, man. And they just spoke their native tongue. That's representation right there, man. I'm proud of it. But I'm most proud of the fact that I finally have an easy Halloween costume. Some of you guys don't understand the struggle of an Asian guy when it comes to Halloween. Our outfits are limited. I was Bruce Lee for six years. But this last year, I had the best Halloween costume. All I did, I went to Amazon, got like a matching like tracksuit, put three numbers on my chest, and I found myself an Indian friend. It was a good friend. It was such a great Squid Game costume. Somebody came up to me. He's like, oh my God, you look just like the girl in Squid Game. Oh ----! I hate watching celebrity family feud because they always make the celebrity choose a charity and donate money. I'm like, some of us want to keep our money, man. And look, I know I sound like a bad person, okay? But I love helping people. I love the concept of donating money. I just can't do it. I want to, but my mom wouldn't let me. Every time I even just think about donating money, she comes out of nowhere. She's like, who are you donating to? I'm like, mom, I don't know, like Save the Children Foundation. She's like, you don't even know those children. Children can be horrible. Okay, fine, mom. I'll donate to help the hospitals. Like, feedahospital.com to help out all the nurses and doctors. And she said, okay, Jimmy, okay. The doctors make more money than you. They should donate to you, okay? I make a website at feedacomedian.com right now. She just guilt trips me, you know? You donate to anyone, you donate to me. I gave birth to you, okay? Can you imagine I'm on Family Feud? Steve's like, Jimmy, what charity are you playing for? Feedacomedian.com. All proceeds go to my mom. My mom's so tight with my money, she wouldn't even let me buy her something nice. For her last birthday, I bought her a nice iPad, brand new iPad. I thought I was a good Asian son, right? And my mom's like, oh no, it's too expensive. Yes, sir. I'm like, mom, it's okay, we can afford it. Just enjoy the iPad. She was like, no, Jimmy, please return it. Return it and just give me the cash. We've got the bottom line. See, we live in a very frivolous society, man. Everybody loves to brag about how much ---- they have, how much money they make. We all brag. We're all guilty of this. We all just do it in subtle, different ways. Like white people, for example. White people never brag about how much money they got. They always just brag about how expensive their life is. Like, oh, Joey just started private school. It's so expensive. And our remodel is totally going over budget. Oh, and you wouldn't believe how much money we spent going to Fiji. Gigi! I'm like, okay, Katie, I see your life, okay? It's a luxury. It's good for you. Okay. Black people, on the other hand, a lot more straightforward. Black people just tell you exactly how much money they spent on something. It's great. You guys see, they're like my black friends or even like rappers, right? They love to brag. They're like, this car, $80,000. My mama's house, $500,000. This chain, a million dollars, man. I'm like, okay, you clearly don't have your priorities straight, but I appreciate the honesty. People love to brag about how much money they spend. Asian people, on the other hand, we do the exact opposite. We love to brag about how little money we spent on some ----. Because the art is in the savings. You never pay full price. Like my mom, her catchphrase is, guess how much? Guess how much? You guys ever play guess how much? My mom would come home with something new, like a watch. She'll be like, Jimmy, Jimmy, guess how much? Guess how much? I'm like, mom, I don't know. It's a very nice watch, like $5,000. And she was like, no, it's $200. $100! Jimmy, my house, my house, this house, guess how much? Guess how much? I'm like, mom, I don't know. You live in a very nice house, like a million dollars. She was like, no, it's half off. Someone died in it. And if you know the rules of the game, you always guess high. So you make the other person feel good about their purchases. Never guess too low. If you ever guess too low, that's the ultimate insult to an Asian person, okay? One time my mom came home with some new shoes. I guessed too low. I've never seen her so disappointed in me. She was like, Jimmy, Jimmy, guess how much? Guess how much? I'm like, mom, I don't know. Very nice shoes, like $200. She was like, do you even know about shoes? These are $500 Jimmy Choo's, okay? Better Jimmy than you. That's how we prank people. You gotta love it, man. I used to be embarrassed about all these things. I thought my mom was cheap. She spoke with an accent. She made me Chinese food. When I got older, I realized it's all those things that made me different is what makes me interesting now. The tide has turned, man. Everybody want to be more Asian. I'm telling you. Yeah, that's right. Everybody want to eat Xiaolongbao. And every parent I know is trying to send their kid to Chinese immersion school. Just in case we take over this ----. You know what I mean? Gotta be proud, man. You gotta be proud of how you grew up. Gotta be proud of your parents, right? I'm a good Asian kid. I'm great to my parents. I'll never, ever disrespect them in front of them. You know what I mean? Like, I just... I want to give you guys a quick update on my dad. Yeah. Richard O. Yang. Yeah, the superstar of the family. Yeah. I talked about him on my last special. He became an actor, right? Yeah, yeah. Not because he loves the art. It's because it's so easy. You can do it. But now he's doing great. He's very successful, okay? He got his whole life turned around. He got out of retirement. He's a full-time actor now. And now he wants to be an influencer. He just started his own IG account, which is just a nightmare. Because old people, I feel like they mean well, okay? Like my dad, he means well, but he just doesn't know how it works. Like, his first post on Instagram was a very nice post. A beautiful picture of the sky, palm trees, birds flying by. I'm like, oh, this is nice. And then I scrolled down to the caption and he wrote, all lives matter. I'm like, dad, what the ****, man? Like, you don't even know what that means. Why would you write that? He was like, I know. My life will matter. Your life will matter. The person's life will matter, okay? All life will matter. I'm like, that is not what it means. I made him put his account on private, okay? Just like a good tiger parent would. Because we know the rules that young people see through the scams of Instagram, right? Like, for example, I follow SportsCenter. I understand the first hundred comments are all bots. They're all fake. Right? Because there's always some IG booty model saying some stupid ---- like, ugh, I want something long and hard. This is obviously a scam. So one time I clicked on it. You know what I mean? Research. I just want to see it. I just want to get to the bottom of it. So I clicked on it. I was like, oh, this is obviously a scam. It's this girl. She's following 7,000 people, but she only has one follower. And I clicked on one follower. It was my dad. He's like, my life matters. Her life matters too, okay? My dad's just from a different generation. He has like a weird beauty standard. Like for us, we just say things on very surface level. Just like, oh, this person's attractive. This person's not, right? My dad would get into the weeds. My dad would give you all the weird details. He'll be like, oh. She's beautiful, very long arms. I'm like, what are you recruiting for a linebacker? What are you talking about? I can never get a pulse on who he thinks is attractive or not, right? One time I'm like, dad, oh, she's really good looking. And my dad was like, no, her mouth's too close to her nose. She can't breathe, she can't breathe. I see some of you guys looking at your partner and it's like, is my nose too close? And that's exactly what an Asian parent does to you. Make yourself conscious about ---- you didn't know about. I was very nervous to introduce my girlfriend to my dad. Because she's absolutely beautiful. But who knows if her wingspan is long enough for his life. I was so nervous, man. The first time I brought my girlfriend to my dad's house, and to his credit, I want to give him credit, he actually didn't say anything crazy. Because for some reason, when an old Chinese person sees white people, they just start acting right. Like his posture changed and stood up right. And for some reason, he just came up with a British accent. Like me and my girlfriend walked in the house. He didn't say anything crazy. He just looked at us. He was like, oh, that's for a young couple. And my girlfriend was so confused. It's like, why does your dad sound like Helen Mirren? And I start saying all these nice things about my girl. I'm like, oh, dad, you know, yeah, she's very successful, but she's also very nice. And her family, they're just great people. And my dad was like, good. All lives matter. I love my dad, man. I love my dad. He's a great dad. He's a funny guy, you know. And we did a lot of father and son bonding growing up. Like for example, I'm a big basketball fan. I love watching the NBA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I grew up a Los Angeles Clippers fan. Yeah. Because my dad was cheap, okay? Because my dad... Because the Lakers and the Clippers play in the same stadium, but the Clippers tickets were half price. So my dad's like, never pay full price. Surprise! Never mind. That wasn't even the most embarrassing part. The most embarrassing part was when we exited the stadium. When we exited Staples Center, there'll be hot dog street vendors out there, right? Latino brothers selling bacon-wrapped hot dogs for $5. I love those things. And my dad would go up and haggle with them. He'll go and be like, okay, I give you $5 for two hot dogs. I'm like, dad, it's not buy one, get one free at Costco. Just give them 10 bucks. And he's like, shh, never pay full price. Okay, I'll give you $8 for two hot dogs, final offer. And the guy didn't care. He's like, no, it's $10. And then my dad, this is a strategy. He just announces in front of everyone. Make sure everyone hears him. He's like, okay, we walk away. I'm like, dad, I don't care. I don't think he cares if you walk away. Don't walk away. I'm hungry. He's like, Jimmy, it's better to be hungry than to pay full price. And then my mom comes up behind us with four hot dogs. And she was like, guess how much? Thank you, guys.