Holiday Season Relationship Stress

Welcome back to Fox 5 Weekend Live. We're continuing our coverage this morning of things happening around the DMV and beyond. And, of course, the issues and topics that you are wanting to talk about. And one of them is relationships and stress. You know, this time of year is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. We hear the songs, all the happiness happening. But for many couples, this could be some of the most stressful times of the entire year, especially when you're dealing with, let's say, financial pressure, busy schedules, maybe family obligations. How do you sort all that through? Practical ways couples can keep the connection going at this holiday season. That's what we're talking about with Jonathan VanVagen. He's a couples therapist and author of a new book, Choosing Us. Jonathan, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. So why is this time of year particularly stressful for couples who may be doing well and every other time of year, then the holidays come around and all of a sudden it's like, okay, there's tension. What's going on? I would have to say it's got to be expectations. We've got these expectations that they're going to run smoothly, whether that's financially or emotionally, and we run into trouble when we don't get our expectations met. And so you don't have your expectations met. This seems to me a discussion you should have had way before, not waiting till the holidays when all these pressures sort of mound and build and present themselves. Absolutely. And I think the tendency is around the holiday season to want to take an inventory of our relationship and our life in general. And so what we want to do is we want to make sure that we don't slip into that pain talk and start cataloging everything that's wrong in our relationship. We need to move into that joy talk and start feeling connected to each other again. When you say joy talk, what do you mean by that? Well, to me, that's sending a message to my wife. So I've been married 17 years, and the thing that's gotten me through all the tough times is reminding her day in, day out that I choose and that I cherish her. And, well, what brings me to your book, Choosing Us, you know, I like, I think a lot of couples, you hear this, they're saying, you know, each day you have to make, recommit yourself to your partner. But that can be a little hard for some people. I mean, you've got your kids, you've got your work, you've got other obligations. How do you make sure you're choosing that other person every day? Well, to me, that goes back to the most important part of a relationship, which is cultivating that likability for one another. See, it's when we commit to liking our spouse as the person and not letting the food in their teeth, you know, the things that they let us down with or what they'd forgotten. If we focus on that, what we're doing is we're saturating our view of our partner with pain. So what you want to do is you want to go back to rekindle some of of those reasons as to why you fell in love in the first place. And so give me like one little thing you can do to sort of help make that happen. Well, one of the greatest things, definitely around the holidays, because things are so busy, just, you know, on your way home saying. you know, texting your spouse saying, don't worry about dinner. I've got our favorite burrito from Chipotle, or I'm going to stop by Five Guys and pick up our favorite, you know, kind of fast food that we're going to eat together. You know, just a little thing that you do sends that incredible message that I'm thinking of you. And more importantly, that you're beloved to me. Why does that seem, I mean, it's not so easy when you say, but why does that, why is it so hard for it to play out in real life? I mean, do we, is it that we take our loved ones for granted? I would say we take them for granted. But more importantly, we tend to focus on people's behavior rather than their identity. See, all of us can fall in love with our spouse. But if we just focus on what they say or do all the time, they're going to make mistakes. We all make mistakes. In fact, I'm thoughtless, lazy and insensitive, usually six times before lunch. So if my wife were to only look at that, of course, she's going to be. You know, starting to feel that resentment creep up. But what I want to do is I want her and me to remind each other that, no, I see you as the amazing, wonderful person that I said I do to all those years ago. And when you're having these constant conversations and doing these small acts of, you know, appreciation. I suppose that's what helps lessen the burden, especially in the holiday season when one person gets stuck doing all the things, you know, all the Christmas shopping, all the cooking, all the getting in touch with the in-laws. I suppose it begins even earlier, as we said in this conversation, that starts there and then builds into this is just part of our natural routine that we value each other and that we don't take each other for granted. A hundred percent. And, you know, the reality is that we are going to disappoint each other, but I don't think avoiding conflict is the goal in life. I think what the goal is, is knowing that when our car gets a flat tire, I don't have to worry because in the trunk, I've got a spare and I've got the jack that's going to help me get that car going in the direction that I want us to go. And so the best way that you can. give yourself that parachute, that carjack, that spare in the trunk, is to use the two phrases that I find couples really struggle to say. One is just as simple, I'm sorry for how I hurt you, and the other is I forgive you. Wow, powerful words, but yeah, often so difficult. You know, I think, again, what if you're a couple that's already carrying a lot of this resentment and just these bad feelings and going into the holiday season? Is there any hope? There's absolutely hope you can turn any relationship around with one thing. And I'm actually writing about it as we speak. It's just called curiosity. It's about looking at your spouse and asking, you know, what's going on for you? What's been hard today? How can I be there for you? How can I support you? I like to say that resentment hates curiosity. If you start taking an interest in your spouse again, you will see that resentment melt away. Resentment hates curiosity. I love that. Make that a t-shirt. Maybe that's the title of your other book. I don't know. I don't know. It could be. It could be. Jonathan, where can people get your current book, Choosing Us? Choosing Us is available at retailers all over. Amazon, you can go to Bookshop, you can go to Barnes & Noble. It's available online. And I know for a lot of people hearing this, like, you know, some of it seems like, yeah, of course, I know that. But one thing to hear it, one thing to actually live it out in earnest. And thank you for the reminders that, yes, we need to appreciate each other and do that well before the holidays. Do it every single day. Jonathan Van Vlecken, thank you so much for your time this morning. Thank you so much for having me. All right, right now it's 11:30, Fox 5 Weekend Live. Taking a break. We're back after this.