Comedian Paul Mecurio on late night TV, upcoming Annapolis show

How do the people who make Vaseline make any money? I have had the same tub of Vaseline, right, right? The guy with the glasses, am I right? My Vaseline was handed down to me by my grandfather in a will. You've never heard this phrase uttered in the history of mankind. Honey, I'm going out to get more Vaseline. You can go through 50,000 bags of garbage, you're not gonna find one empty container of Vaseline. Yeah. My next guest has made a career of talking about Vaseline on national television. He's also won an Emmy. You may remember him from The Daily Show or from The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Paul Mercurio is on tour. He's coming to Annapolis, but he's up late with me tonight here on The Final Five. Good to see you, my man. Welcome back. What's up, buddy? It's good to see you again. Last time I saw you was in New York City. Yeah, you were gracious to welcome me up to the Late Show, the late, lamented Late Show. Yeah, yep. Thanks for bringing that up. Now I'm totally depressed. Got it. Out of a job. I'm living in a van, so, you know. I got to tell you, first of all, I want to talk about the show, but again, and granted, that show aired opposite this show. But the reality is there is a void. And I know a lot of people say otherwise about the state of late night comedy. But there are so many moments where you wonder what what Stephen Colbert, what the writers, what you would say about what's happening in the world right now. You don't have that. And that really speaks to what we're seeing with network television and CBS in particular. Yeah, I think actually Steven and I were talking about this backstage, you know, when he wasn't crying like, oh my God, it's over. I'm like, Steven, stop. I can't do this anymore. No, I think that genre is gone. The traditional late night, big, shiny studio band. I think when Kimmel goes and Falun goes, they're not going to come back because it's just the economics of it. The ratings aren't there, maybe. I mean, there are other reasons we got canceled, but, like, it's... We actually felt, like, kind of gratitude to be part of it still before it ended, and then you were there, and you're amazing. By the way, everybody, he comes to the show, he's in the audience. You know, I get him a nice seat up front. What does he do the minute Steven comes out? Stay in my chest! I'm like, what are you... Come on, you're killing me. You're killing me. I did ask him, I got a question, and by the way, I jumped out of my seat to ask him a question before the show, and he's like, whoa, somebody's rehearsed, and then, you know, but I got a laugh in the Ed Sullivan Theater, man, I got a laugh, and I feel like, to me, that's what I was, that was a life ambition right there. As long as that happens for you, I'm happy, buddy, I'm happy for you. The last time you came on the show, you were doing you were doing a show where you spoke with people in the audience on stage and trying to find some common ground. And I think that's what your comedy has been rooted in. I know you're doing a bit of a different show, Ram said, coming up next week. But in terms of what people can expect, I mean, what how are you approaching this right now? Now that you're out of the late show, now that you're you're doing your own thing, like what's what's been the approach for you? I've been, you know, I'm coming back out on tour because I was doing the late show. I've been on CNN MS now a lot, too, as a commentator. But I just like talking from my life. And it's going to be a stand-up show at Ram's Head on stage. I've been there before, sold it out before. It's coming up November 14th. Hope people can come out because, you know, I'm out of a job. And I am dog walking, by the way. If anybody needs a dog walker, I am your guy. Shrubs, I'm really good with the trimmer. Thank you very much. Just life, like, I, you know, because I don't, I just, I'm not shy about bringing my life into my act. I think it connects with people, relates, and I like talking to audiences, even in my stand-up show, so I'll engage them, and, like, we mentioned off-air, I just went through some surgery, so I've been home a lot, recovering, oh, my God, Amazon, when you're home and recovering, it's like crack, you are on, am I right, like, you're on there, like, And then you're justifying like, like stuff that you don't need. Oh my God, I totally need a Nicolas Cage sequin pillowcase. They actually sell them. And then I turned into like 105 year old man because I'm tracking my shipments like on an hourly basis. It's like, what? This is ridiculous. What are my socks doing in Albuquerque? This is totally wrong. I think when I had knee surgery years ago, man, I ordered so much on Amazon. I memorized my debit card number. And that's a problem when you do that. So I buy a lot of stuff, but I'm not sure what color, what size. So I returned. We got a threatening email from Amazon, not making this up, to my wife and I. They said we were returning too much stuff. And if we continued, they were going to cancel our Prime subscription. What are you, the mob? Hey, Mr. Mercurio, we noticed you've been returning a lot of stuff. It would be a shame if you would have to walk to the post office and pick up your packages on your own. He said we were abusing the privilege. I wasn't violating a rule, but I was just trying to return a T-shirt that looks like I got in a fight with a lion. That's it. Please, give me a break, will you? All right. I mean. When you look at that and how, like, the world shapes everything you do, but I love the fact that your back story, that you know D.C. because you went to Georgetown Law. Yeah. And you were down, like, that was your career for a while. Like, you were, that was your thing. Comedy was not what you said at the get-go. I was doing merger and acquisition law in New York City, and I'm like, how can I completely ruin my life? I know. I'll go. And I started writing jokes as a hobby, met Jay Leno at a private function. He bought some jokes, and then I saw him do my joke, and it was amazing. He called me. He actually called me after I gave him my jokes. He was like, it's Jay Leno. It's all there. And I'm like, I thought it was my friend pulling a prank, I go, really funny. He goes, no, really, it's Jay Leno. I go, stop. I know it's not. It's Jay Leno. I go, stop. And then I actually said to Jay Leno, you do a lousy Jay Leno. And people, like, ask me, like, was I funny, like, as a lawyer? And I look back, and I'm like, I was really funny. I would say really funny things at the law firm. I would, like, stuff like, guys, we can't do that. That's unethical. And they would laugh and laugh. All I'm starting to speak. And, uh, and now my parents, like they don't introduce me as a banker, a lawyer, a comedian. They just say, uh, this is our son, Paul. right. He's still going through some things. And, uh, So, and that's how it started, truly. And then I started, I said, I got to give this a shot full time. May not be too far from the truth, though. I mean, we're all going through something right now, that's for sure. Yeah, yeah. I love the fact, I knew you, I didn't know you, but I got to know you from your time with The Daily Show. And we've talked about the future of Late Night. I mean, you know, for years, people were saying, like, the Daily Show, this is how people would get their news. And the show has evolved so much. But it seems like, you know, they've struck this formula, especially now that Jon Stewart's back, where it works. Yeah, it does. And because I think people are just looking for, like, honest take on things, you know, just like, just not. Not right or left, just honest takes, and that tends to be my thing. Like, just, you know, the Zakaria press secretary thing that came up, right? And everybody was outraged that she lied. And my point that I made on TV was, the job of the press secretary is to lie. Why are you firing her for doing what she's supposed to be really good at? Like, so I think I just bring a practical sort of reality to things. And I like talking about my life. Oh, by the way, I got to get this out. So my wife, because I was been sick, she makes me a pie, right? Because I love apple pie and she's great. And my wife's great. And she, here's for anybody watching, listening, don't improve something that's perfect. Just leave it alone. Leave it alone. You know what she does in this amazing apple pie? She puts in raisins. Yes. Thank you. Raisins. Everybody, they don't belong in a cookie, they don't belong in a muffin, they don't belong in, you know where they belong? They belong in the garbage, okay? Because, let's be honest, a raisin is a grape that couldn't cut it as a grape, okay? I didn't like you as a pretty grape, I am not going to like you as a wrinkly brown raisin. You look in that little red box, it looks adorable, you open it up, it's an old age home for fruit. That's all it is. All it is. No raisins. Halloween, I remember as a kid, there were always the neighbors. There would be one house of a block that would do boxes of raisins. And it's like, that's the state of the hell it was. And that's where all the eggs ended up, on that house. Oh, by the way, that just reminds me, like, like, Fruit! We would get fruit, and I was told they put razor blades in food, so we would just take the fruit and then smash it against the wall, like, at somebody's house, because, like, it's just the whole thing. And now, you know, I'm a parent now, so I'm not a good parent, but I'm a parent. Uh, you are, uh, so you're doing the tour here. You've been making the rounds. I mean, when you, when you, I mean, how are you finding audiences right now? Are they receptive to comedy or is comedy coming back? Because we went through this like really, really sensitive time in our nation where people were offended by everything. Yeah. The pendulum swung too far. I'm not one of these people that believes like, ah, you should never be politically correct. Be offensive for offensive sake. I'm in the middle. And I think that's where the pendulum needs to be. And I Back there, there was a time where you, God forbid, you say one little thing. People want to read into things. And I think part of it is because social media gives people power to comment. So they're looking and then they go on social. But it's not just on stage. It's because whatever happens in a comedy club on stage is really a reflection of life and society. If you think about it, because my wife and I experienced it in real life where someone was trying to pin something on us that we didn't do. We're walking our dog in Central Park. It's the law, you're supposed to have your dog on a leash. We did. This guy's dog wasn't on a leash. Big dog scaring people. So my wife said to him, just nicely, sir, your dog, it should be on a leash. There's kids around. That's all she said. And he goes like this. Why? Because it's a pit bull? Like, implying that we were racist toward pit bulls? I'm like, nah, because it's got a baby in its mouth. That's why. Okay? Yeah. Because it has prison tattoos and a switchblade. Okay? Joshy, like, can we just... Like, relax a little bit. Can everybody just relax, you know? And then, and then, and so I think that in the clubs, you can talk about things and people will see, oh, we just talked about that and nobody died. Look at that. Like, we're still here. We're all still alive, you know? Like, I have a kid. Now, you're supposed to say in polite circles, oh, it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Not so much. There are some days you wish your kids would walk into the woods and never come back. Honestly, like, you know, my parents felt that way quite a bit through the years, too. But I had to take I took my kid was seven years old on a three day father son bonding weekend baseball tournament. My wife's like, you go. It'll be a good guy thing. Yeah. And at the end of the weekend, Jim, I got to be honest with you. I realized I didn't really care for the kid. Yeah. You know, very needy. I need food, water. I don't have that kind of time. They're just soft these days. Exactly. We talked last time you were here, and you and I have talked off the air quite a bit over the last couple of weeks because we talk about what's going on in our lives. And parents are a big thing. And the last time you were on, your mom was in the furniture business, right? Yeah, she started a furniture business in 59, had it for like 63 years, and we all worked in it. It was a family thing. And, uh, she like had, we had to make her retire. She's 97 now. And, uh, yeah, she will not go down either. We, we try everything, everything, bad cheese, sour milk. You trip her, she bounces back up like a little weevil. It's really amazing. And she's so cheap. She grew up in the Depression. She has money. She is so cheap. You know what she gives me every Christmas? Christmas is coming up. I know what I'm going to get. She buys me a $2 lottery ticket. A $2? No, no, no. No, stop it. You're not my friend anymore. Nothing says I care about you less than a one in 400 billion chance of getting a gift, okay? That's it. One year, because my parents used to do that for their friends. They would give up a lottery ticket, a $5 or $10 lottery ticket. So I discovered in the early, I think this may have been an Amazon purchase back in like 2001, they sold phony lottery tickets on Amazon. Everyone was a winner. So my parents would put those into. Select envelopes. One neighbor who got the ticket flipped out, thought he just hit the jackpot for $10,000, was making his plans for vacation, and one of us had to talk him down. And oh, by the way, somebody reminded him, Dave has guns. So... Oh, geez. The other thing my mother did was she, you know, hearing aids are expensive and she's very free. So she loses hearing aids and she goes, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not. What are you going to do? So she she grew up in the Depression. She goes through garbage on Sunday nights in our hometown in Rhode Island. And she looks for garbage that's broken and she gives it to her friend Mario to fix it. Not food, but I'm not making this up. She found her hearing aid in the garbage and that's what she wears. And it just the whole. You laugh, it's like talking to a tea kettle in a house dress, okay? I can't do it anymore. I cannot do it. She's driving me crazy. She's driving me crazy. That might explain why one can't hear a damn thing sometimes with her hearing aids. Hey, Paul, again, the show is Saturday, November 14th, Ramset on stage in Annapolis. Where do you want people to go to get tickets? They can go to paulmecurio.com, one R in my last name, M-E-C-U-R-I-O, or they can go to Ram's Head Onstage website. And, yeah, we sold it out before. We want to sell it out again. Annapolis is beautiful. Hope you all can come out and support a man that is out of a job and living in a van. And has a dog who finds him annoying. My dog, whenever I walk into the room, immediately gets up and walks into the other room with a dirty look. I am not making this up either. She's like, oh, this idiot again, and she walks into that room. So, you're going to be in the room with an annoying human being, but I think it'll be worth it, everybody. What kind of dog is it? Uh, it's a mutt, you know, and we saved the dog's life. She doesn't preach. They should have a lemon law because it turned out the dog has a weak sphincter and they didn't tell us that. So she can't control. And they don't tell you can't put the dog up on a lift and check it out like a car. And no one said anything. And now it's like, it's everywhere. You know, it looks like an assisted living facility in my house is we pads everywhere. Uh, Paul, it's good to see you again, man. Good luck. And thanks so much for taking time. Yeah, absolutely. Great to see you, buddy.