The Most Out-of-Pocket Diner Moments | 2 Broke Girls

So girls, do you know how you have that $10,000? Well, I don't want to clean you out, but how do you feel about tossing me $9,500? You two should invest. Sophie's business is genius. You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there hair permanently lasered off? Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael checklist. Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field. I killed him. Is that a business? That's nobody's business. Yeah, I don't do it. Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff. I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go. There you go. Hey, there's a need for this. Sometimes in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip. It's a standing strip. Don't decide yet, girls. Girls, do you have any- You haven't even heard that cute little name. Sophie Kaczynski's Vagina Wigs. Wigs. Yeah, we're really out. Riley out. It's a quality product. I just got my first shipment of wigs. Why are you walking like that? Well, I'm not just the president. I'm also a client. I'm a giant. I think you dropped something, unless we have those giant Persian roaches again. Even a milky version of that was too much. The outside, nipples everywhere. I swear. Have a seat. I'll be right over. Oh, that's okay. I texted my order in on the way. Hey, baby. I got your text. Did you get my erotic haiku? I did. Did you get the picture I sent of me and the Dustbuster? No, I didn't. Market! He timed our blurb. He did? That is so sweet. I always saw it as bigger on the wall in our shop. The shop is an amazing idea. And if it's not that space right now, it'll be another. I mean, there have to be mass murders all over Brooklyn, right? If we're lucky. Hey, baby. I texted my order in on the way. Hey, baby. I got your text. Did you get my erotic haiku? I did. be another. I mean, there have to be mass murders all over Brooklyn, right? If we're lucky. And even if it didn't work out, it's still the closest I've ever come to something great, and that's cool. Someday we'll find someone crazy enough to lend us money. I say that because if you can convince me to believe a dream, you can get anyone. Pick up. It's $11.25. Oh, you took a check, right? $20,000. Oh, is it? I thought it was for $20,000. Oh, well, keep it. I don't know what to do with it. Maybe you could use it for your dream or to get your legs waxed or something. Sophie, are you serious? Yes. Sophie, this is really, really amazing. Oh, come on. I don't need a parade. Just keep the cupcakes coming. Do you know what this means? We are going to be a Williamsburg must-have. We're getting our dream. I feel like you want a hug. I do. I can't wait to go home and illegally download that documentary about performance art. And I can't wait to go home and watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. But first, you have to see this. Her name's Marina Abramovic. In the 90s, she and her boyfriend did this piece called Confrontation, where they just slapped each other's faces for days. Oh, yeah? My mom and her boyfriend did that, too, but they called it Who Smoked the Last Cigarette? No, really, it was pure art. She's a genius. How about you and I do a little art right now? I think they might be doing a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey. Justin, we make a lip-sync video to Call Me Maybe. For every guy that's ever gone out with you. Happy birthday, Blue. Happy... I haven't seen her all day. I just saw her. Yeah, it was definitely there. You're not going to get Blue that cupcake without a photo op, are you? Where's your iPad? I just saw her. Yeah, it was definitely there. Yeah, hon, go. You need a pic so you can post it on Facebook or Fishbook or whatever. Good idea. Here, hold this. Marlon, you look less flat. Finally get that boob job you needed. How do you like the baggy broke? Yep. That's what happens when you get the cheap implants. Oh, my God. Oh my god. There is definitely something moving around in my bra. Well, it's good you can still recognize that feeling. Why now? Now when I'm off the market? No, no, no, no, no. I'm afraid I'm gonna squish it and kill it again. Okay, just get up on the counter and drop it in the tank. What? Get up on the counter, spread your leg, and let it fall into the tank. You know what? Forget the back rub. After this, we're square. Straddle the tank, pull out your uniform, and let it go. Now I owe you money. No, just squat over the tank like you're delivering a fish baby. Pepe. I'm delivering a fish baby? This is where I'm at? What? He's asking, that's where you're at. Okay, now that I saw, right? Well, I can get down. It's not that kind of party. What's up? Not enjoying the 90s horse party? I thought you said 90s whores party. I don't need it. Now I am wearing girdle and deodorant for no reason. Listen. White, a turnout mask. Reminds me of the after-hour club I used to go to. You know, if all the cool cats shooting dope were replaced by sad white fools sipping light beer. Yeah. Look, I did research and make myself a 1990s trivia T-shirt. Talk to the Han. Get it? Talk to the Han. I am hoping it will help me... Get laid? Would you like to purchase a Tamagotchi or a 9021 Oreo cupcake? We came here wanting to hate on you chicks, hard. But that horse you got out back is mad cool. You best to us, party beast, and to that, a doff m'cap. How much are the cupcakes? Ten dollars each. Ooh, a doff m'cap again, milady. Look at all this. We're a success. Well, I'll tell you what's not a success. The plan to get Han some action. Look at him over there. That's so sad. I know. Go over there and give him a Han job. Oh, yum. Me, me. Freezer, not a panic room, right? You can tear his smug white ass a new one. I can't face him, Max. Why? He's the one who didn't call you. I can't face him because I'm a waitress. Last time you saw me, I was a billionaire in a townhouse. Now I'm a waitress in a walk-in freezer. So when you were laying around on your trust fund doing nothing every day, having other people scrub your toilet you could hold your head up high, but now that you support yourself by earning your own money that's somehow shameful? Who cares what he thinks? He is the guy who just paid a hundred dollars to party with a horse. Of course. He's the loser, not you. Really? Because he's out there having fun and I'm in here hugging a tub of expired blue cheese. Look, you see that wad of cash in your hand? You earned that. Slap that wad on your palm a few times. Feel its power. That's all you got? Come on, really squeeze that wad. Feels good in your hands, right? Feels pretty good. Yeah. Now slap it and say, This is my wad. This is my wad. Oh my god. This is my wad! This is my wad! As soon as the ladies calm down. Are you kidding? Show him what he's missing. Let him pop, playa. Supposedly for one specific rich poser. All you other rich posers, just continue with the 90s. Where is he? Do you see him? No, he was right over there. He's gone. I don't get to shove this in his face. It would have been nice to put my wad in his face for a change. I don't know. Speaking of wads, look over there. The little pin. You okay? Yeah, actually I am. I guess I didn't need to go over there and make some big dramatic speech telling him that even though I'm a waitress, I'm better than him. I know that now. Thank you. If I see him one day in the future, I'll be happy to tell him that. He just came out of the men's room. Let's get out of here. Talk to him. I said the future. This is the 90s. Let's get out of here. Run. Okay, so you guys are here behind the counter doing your waitress thing. Shooter aims for the cook but hits her, our featured waitress. Hey, didn't I already see you on SVU? I remember. They found your head in a mini fridge in the Hudson. I knew I recognized you. Wait, we've already killed you? Sorry, babe. You're out. You have great head. Tom, we gotta bump someone up to the featured waitress. Pays a thousand more bucks. Max, that could be the extra money we need for chestnut. Could one of us do it? Can either of you act like you've been hit with a bullet? Oh, well, it just so happens I have been hit by a bullet twice. Once at a 7-Eleven and once running away in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven. So, yeah, I think I got this. I don't know. I'm thinking maybe a blonde would be better. Caroline? You could have a pretty convincing death scene as Fontaine. And I died like, well, should I just show you? You are such a nerd. I'm tired. That's great, Caroline. Special effects, put the blood device on Caroline. She's our special victim. I got it? Yes, but a little less French Revolution and a lot more face down on the floor. Lower. Take a shot? You can't even do a shot. Don't be mad, Max. I'm doing this for Chestnut. And it's not my fault he liked my death scene. He liked your death scene with his penis. Penis. Max, show business really brings out the worst in you. You haven't seen me at a wedding. Shut it. Put your hand on a woman's blouse without asking? Every day. Here, can I help you? No, it's a union thing. Aren't you in there a little long? Yeah. Caroline, that special effects rig you're wearing is very sensitive, so don't let anything near your chest. Except me. And don't be nervous. Camera's gonna love you. How could it not? DJ, stop flirting with me. I'm gonna die soon and you'll never get over me. Hi! Promise you'll die soon? I'm about to be shot and I can't die with bad blood between us. We're good. You're living my dream, girl. Do me proud. I will. No! Don't hug with it! You set the thing off. We weren't rolling. Because that was gold. That's a wrap, everybody. We'll pick it up tomorrow. I'm so sorry. It just went off. Prettiest screw-up all day. After you get cleaned up, why don't we have dinner at my hotel? Dinner? Yeah, I'd like that. Now, let's say 8. My assistant will give you the address and my room number. Exactly how you look in all my dreams where I shoot you. The director just invited me to dinner at his hotel, but it's in his room. Do you think he... Yes. Is that why he... Yes. Will you come with? Yes. Maybe you're wrong. Maybe he thought my audition was really... No. Uh, uh, Caroline. Next time, maybe a little less. Now watch. This is how one graciously accepts a gift. Helped a lesbian from the 80s. Yep, I grabbed her bolo tie and climbed up on her shoulder pads. You took away my security thing, the pillowcase, so now I'm taking away your security thing, your hair. You can wear that on your head tonight and then tell me again how this is all in my head. Did you have to get the ugliest one they had? What do you want for 37 cents? Put this roadkill on my head, just to prove to you that I am so much more than my hair. I am my attitude, my spirit, my brain, my bravery. Put it on. Max, I'm scared. Go. The bangs go on the back. That's my kind of woman. Capsalus, pick up. Hey, Sophie. Are you here for the Mafia Widow discount? I'm incognito. I'm making a drug drop for Max. What do you want to do? Where's the blonde knock, man? He just busted us. What deals? What? What? What? What? What? What? I think she needs these pills because I threw away her blankie case and I need it to sleep. She has to rub it. In Poland, I had this little thing that I liked to tickle before I went to sleep. Aunt threw it away. What was it? Cousin Nora. The pills. They're attached to my hair. In fact, I am loving my new look. Am I a single mom trying to keep it simple? Am I an assistant DA in over my head? Charlize Theron in the Jon Bon Jovi story? I'm fine with it, because I am not my hair. Cup cutie, hide me. Your knee's in a bad wig. Listen, girl, I've been there. No, I just don't want to be seen. Caroline, Caroline, I love you, but I can't hear anymore. That hair was hard enough to look at in the 70s. What's wrong? Now help me get this off. He can't see me like this. That's right. Give me the pills. Max, no, you don't need them. We don't know where they've been. I'm going home to try to sleep. Since this is all your fault, you can finish my shift. You're on your own, lady who lived across the street from Al Bundy. I'm going to go get some candy. Max, why are you only wearing one earring? What are you talking about? I'm wearing two. That's weird. Where is it? Is it in my hair? No, no. Did it fall down? Yeah, check your boobs. That's where you found the remote. It's not, it's not anywhere on me. Well, when's the last time you saw it? I don't know, but it couldn't have gone far. I was in this area pretty much the whole night. You mean over the batter? No, no, no, no, nothing, nothing. Which means it's in one of those already baked cupcakes. Let's go. We have to start pulling these apart. Really? Don't be ridiculous. Look, worst case scenario, one of the thousand cupcakes has an earring in it. Well, tell them it's a surprise. No, the worst case scenario is someone bites into it, rips their lip open, and sues us. Let them sue us. We don't have any money. That's why we'll go to jail. Yep, I'll be locked up raw and forced to be someone's girlfriend. I mean, I'm a bad girlfriend out of prison. It's not going to be any easier with Big Joan. Calm down. If we go to prison, I'll be your girlfriend. Until someone hotter comes along, because that's the way it goes in prison. Start looking. I am not going to smash 900 cupcakes. Then we'll just have to start over. Oh no. I would rather hitch a ride west and become a sister wife. Come and tell them we can't do the job. No, you can't text them. We need the money. Stop with all the texting! Maybe if you were thinking less about texting with my ex-boyfriend, you wouldn't have lost your earring in the first place. You should have just said it! You have a problem with me texting Andy! I do not have a problem with it! Ah! Because he's my friend, too. But you think your loyalty to your best friend and business partner would be more important than some stupid animal friendship? Oh ----. Ooh! I mean, I'm surprised I even have to tell you that, Max. It's kind of girl code. Oh, I am way too tired to hear girl code. Shut it down. Girl code, Max. Girl code. Oh. Shut up, Caroline. I'm going to dignify that with a response. Yeah, that was the goal, bitch. Oh my gosh! You lost one of these thousand cupcakes, bitch. I got your text. I'm here to help. Pre-girl code text? I thought we maybe needed a backup after Earl passed out and I made Han cry. There. The phone is unplugged. Good luck calling the police now, table two. Wow. Wow, you unplugged that phone faster than we unplugged my Aunt Esther. She was a mean lady. Sophie! Ready to re-enter the workforce? I'm ready. Are you ready? And the answer is, no, I am not. Make your armpit intestine. Excuse me. Excuse me. Miss? Oh, not you again. Don't eat this. I ordered a steak and this is a dirty washcloth. You want me to heat it up? I mean... I mean, why am I always getting you stuff? How come you're not scratching my back? You see how I told him off? You know, just like Max does, right, girl? Why are you calling me girl? I'm calling you a woman. You know, like the girls do with Han. Only he takes it. Yeah, I mean, I wasn't expecting all this. Neither was I. This is supposed to be my nap time. Pick up, unless that's a huge problem for you. Thank you. Oh, that's sick. I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told pooters when they added pants to the uniform. Ah, what? You quit? NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONNONONONONONONONONONONONON, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no You're fired. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Been a bad waitress? The naughtiest. Uh, they're not going to have sex in a restaurant, are they? Well, it wouldn't be the first time. Hell, it wouldn't be the eighth time. Pick up. Oh, Nick. Oh, yeah, man. This is happening. I have traveled categories in my emergency backpack. Perhaps we roll an F for fun? Perhaps we roll you outside for fun. Oof. So much for the community coming together during a crisis. Uh, what's the bathroom policy around here? Just go anywhere? Oh, no, no. This is not good. My diner is more screwed than Sophie right now. Wow. Too soon, just so you know. that is a flashlight in my pocket Are we gonna talk about what happened? Happy? Max, please tell me they make really really small flashlights. that move on their own I'm on my own. Do you want me to lie to you? Or do you want me to tell you that was Han's penis? Wow. Caroline and Han are really getting at it over there. Yeah. This storm is turning people on more than alcohol and low self-esteem. Even Han got some action. I don't hold hands and tell. Or maybe I do. This is kind of a first. I could tell. Your thumb was all over the place. I hope that was your thumb. Um... I just got a $20 tip on a $10 check. I may be the greatest waitress ever, and strangely, that doesn't make me want to die. You're finally getting the hang of a job you've had for years. Is your last name Obama? Another big tip gets my smile. Well, Something's smiling. Pick up panty melt. Panty melt. You have what, Max? Pride in a job well done? Yes, some of us can still feel pride. Yeah, but only for about another 10 seconds. Oh, no. Oh, no. This reminds me of when I saw my mother's side boob. Move. You have to say something. I'm Caroline. Face. Peace. Screw it. I'm taking the ass train to money town. Nope, not wearing underwear. I have one question. Do you want to live? Actually, today I could go either way. Okay. See this? Go around the diner and have everyone fill it with the contents of their purse. And if you do, nobody gets hurt. Okay, okay, okay. But, uh, I don't know how much you're going to collect here. I mean, most of these customers pay with coins or fresh tomatoes from their garden. Uh, Earl, listen up. We're being robbed by that man in the suit, and he wants everyone to empty their stuff into this bag. Uh, Max, I've been on both sides of this situation. Thank you very much. Thank you. And the best thing to do is play along. Aww. Okay, Caroline? I'm going to tell you something, and I don't want you to react. I knew you were going to get pregnant. Damn it! That's it. All right, fine. We'll get through this together. No! Look, we're being robbed, and that guy in the suit might have a gun. No, no, no. Just do what I say and stay calm. I need you to empty your purse into the trash bag. I can't believe this is happening. Are you having a heart attack? Ah! Peeing. What do you mean? Peeing. Step out from behind the counter. Sorry, sir, I can't. Why? Peeing. Still? Out of the way, girls. I'll take down this roof. Miss, you need to get out from behind the counter now before I- Please take everything that is in my mani-peg. Thank you. Would it be possible if I took my prayer beads out? They've been in my family for hundreds and hundreds of, I don't think so, homeboy. You're in my house now, bitch. Forks not laid out correctly, Maria. Forks, no. Glad you like that outfit, because you're going to be buried in it. I think I'm going to let this one breathe in the kitchen. Caroline, I'd like to meet the chef. Of course. Chef! Booyah, Chef Oleg. Gordon Ramsay once put me in a headlock. Please enjoy the first course of my first course. A tasty tortellini. I'm starting to speak now. Caroline, this sauce is delicious. Oh, I'm so glad you like it. This is the kind of luncheon that makes you feel like you can handle anything that comes along. Wrong. Pity there aren't more guests to enjoy it. Darling, I'm not late for the luncheon. This creme brulee is just divine. Mind if I don't mind? Very good. Excuse me, but I have to tinkle. Where's your John? Oh, I forgot. Yes. Um, pardon me. Yes. Uh, could you direct me to your Jonathan? Whee! Astrid, darling, I wasn't sure what to expect from one of your lunches. You know, since the scandal. Since you lost all of your- Gah! Oh! Her chute is leaving. Scandal? What scandal? Oh, you know, the horror of you not having any more- Mayday! Double dingle! Maria, do something! So you mean she doesn't want to talk about the fact that she's lost all her money? Thank you. Oh, it's Crystal that broke. I thought it was one of Astrid's bones. I'm nervous. I'll replace. I mean, I can't, but it's the right thing to say right now. I'm starting to speak now. Maria, that's my good Crystal, and it's not replaceable unlike you. Now go! I'll go. To wherever Maria lives. But just know your granddaughter worked really hard to make this lunch all nice. No, you don't have to go. Oh, can I go? I don't know. Yeah, I should go too. Would anyone buy that I have plans? No one is going. I'm just going to pick up the broken crystal and we'll just continue to have the best luncheon ever. Caroline, let the help do that. Get up off her floor. You are not one of them. Actually, yes, I am. Grammy, you may have been in a coma, but I feel like it's me that just woke up. For the past five years, I have really been missing all of this. But it's not good crystal that makes a life. It's good people. People like them. And they are not the help, but they did come here to help me. Because you and I might be related, but these people are my family now. And also, I should tell you, I don't work on Wall Street. I work in Brooklyn, in a diner. See? I'm a waitress. That's debatable. I don't understand. You're a Channing. Could you be a waitress? Because she lost all her money when you lost all your money. What is she saying? Nothing. She's saying nothing. I'm saying, you poor... I leave for two minutes, and the party really goes downhill. Thank you. As you know, Max and I are part owners of the diner. You tell us every damn day like a skinny cuckoo clock. Which reminds me, I tied my medication to it. No, Meryl. I don't know. I like to keep my body guessing. Lesson. So, what's this meeting for? The baby's almost here, and I still have a bunch of new father stuff to do. Build a crib, get rid of 60 yards of butt beads. Kids. Can you even build a crib? Anyway, the big change we're talking about is changing right now. Han! I don't want to. Don't take. Fine. Those shots are like a cheap hotel. No ballroom. I've already lost my diner. Haven't I been shamed enough? Thanks for reminding me, Caroline. And this is what you get for gambling on ladies tennis and owing us $25,000. You look like Bob's little boy. Should we order directly into your mouth? Oh my god. Since the diner is now owner-operated, if we have to wait on tables, so do you. You're going to cover our shifts because our other business, the dessert bar, is opening in two days. Did you say you own a dessert bar? Hot pill time. I don't know why I can't catch a break from you two. I had to put up with Max's heartbreak over her L.A. boyfriend Randy for months. It was more indulgent than Beyoncé's lemonade. She's a queen. It's off-limits in this diner, Han. Like Ambition or fresh milk. Well, while you have us trapped here, what the hell is a dessert bar? Is it cake with alcohol in it, or alcohol with cake? Because either way, nobody wants to make love after eating a big hunk of pie. He understands the concept. I don't get the dessert bar thing either. Who wants to hear from a human mustard packet? **** it. Randy, Randy, Randy, sing! Bing! Damn, baby got back. We'll be right back. Thanks for the input, but I think I know what I'm doing. I went to Wharton. Wharton, that's my last pill. Cool. This baby has taken longer to come out than a Catholic from Indiana. Hannah. Sophie, do you feel anything? I mean, besides the vibrating panties I got you? Is that what that sound is? I thought a bee got in here. I could all be in my boot, waiting for my... Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner. I'll be your waiter, hon. She's a new girl. I like her. You called Peach without asking and begged her for a job? I didn't beg. I asked her if she knew of anybody who could use us and she was more than happy to recommend us to her friend Constance. No way. I'm not comfortable with this. Well, sometimes you have to do things that make you uncomfortable. It's the way you grow. No, it's the way you get a ride home from a kegger in the woods. I'm sorry, but we can't turn into those people who work and work just to pay their bills and don't have any time to pursue their dreams. You mean Americans? Tell me, Peach, tomorrow we're not doing it. Now go get some milk. No problem, because that's what waitresses do, and that's all we'll ever be. Prove the sex was not that good. On the food? Don't say it like that. That ham was already glazed before we got there. I'm guessing you're back together? Oh, no, no, the sex was not that good. Oh, it was that good. I went to get mayo, and it all happened so fast. That limo driver is going to eat the rest of my coleslaw, do you? Shh. No one says coleslaw on a red carpet. I think you hit it pretty well in the cup holders. Oh, my God. Look at all... Oh, good. Caroline Channing. Stay here. It's not your time yet. Oh, that's what the angel said to me when I drove that dump truck into the East River. It's the star of Happy Feet. It's that way. No, it's that way. This is exciting. I haven't seen this much paparazzi since I was dating Harriet Tubman. Come on. You must be the make-a-wish couple. Actually, we're just friends. If I had a wish, he'd be a giant doobie. Just keep it moving. It's the Kevin Dillon and below spot. They must all be reloading their cameras. Are you trying to say I shouldn't be seeing all these flashing lights right now? Carpet dress. Here. Red carpet attire? I meant something... Ow! I vacuumed it myself before we left. It gave me hard wood. Barbara, the real star of the night is here. Verne Troyer where? No. Barbara, come on Barbara, let's make you a star. Look, it's Kielbasa, your favorite. Look, Barbara. I don't know. Here's some head shots. She's cute, she's versatile, and like her mother, she can put all ten toes in her mouth. Trust ya, Oleg. You do? No, why wouldn't I? Aside from my complicated past full of men that have lied to me. Okay. But you and I don't have secrets from each other, right, Oleg? Yeah, well, you see... It is time for the traditional best man speech. So listen up, bitches. I am bleeding. Are you kidding? Repeat, I am bleeding. ...when you shake your phone, but no app that unsends a boob pic? Sophie! Oleg. What's there to say about these two kids? Oleg is a bad cook. Sophie quite loud, but somehow when they get together, magic. Lady that works at the airport! And Oleg, I'm so glad Sophie is marrying you, so now you can stay in the country. Oh no, uh, you're so- There you go. I mean, that last joke didn't even have a punchline. You know, I mean, it was sort of sad. It was no joke. This is serious. It's really serious. That boo pick is up in the cloud now. My boo was in the cloud, y'all! I know. Sophie, I didn't know how to tell you. You wanted to marry me for a green card? Yeah. I thought you were marrying me for my bod, or for my connections at the Container Store, or... I mean. Sophie, I can explain. No, no, no, don't. What the hell am I going to do with all those pigeons that I had painted wedding white? Sophie, wait. Oh, well, look who it is. My dearly deported. I worked on that the whole way over. Sophie, I'm not going to be deported. I'm going to marry someone so I can stay in this country and win you back. I don't care who my new bride is. Because everybody be me. They don't even have to be the best, or even good. Standards are out the window. Sunglasses and Advil. Last night was mad real. Han, will you marry me so I can stay in the country? I'll need to think about it. Yes. The thing he won't say yes to is health care. I believe you. This is just another trick to get me to do what you want me to do. Like when you kept dropping your ice cream into your lap. No trick. Sometimes love makes you do crazy, disgusting things. Like this. Come here, Han. Thank God he picked Han. Wow, Sophie, Oleg must really love you. That had to be hard for him. And from what I can see, a little hard for Han, too. At our wedding, maybe two pumps of breast spray. Han, you're not marrying Oleg. Because Oleg's marrying me. I believe you now. Because you kissed Han, and Asian girls aren't even your thing. The New York Times food critic may be in the same room as Han, Earl, Oleg, and Sophie. We're dead. Time of death, 11.30. I'm turning 30. I believe it's more like 4.20. Marlon, I love your new play. It's so fresh and pretty. It looks like a douche commercial. You're right. You're right, baby. It looks exactly like a douche commercial. Okay. Okay, can we stop saying douche in the fancy pastry shop? I agree. Not appropriate. Caroline, darling, slip my phone number to that fine Nubian princess and tell her not to be fooled by my bad hip. I can still gently rock her world. Okay, guys, what are you doing here and how quickly can you leave? Real nice, after we came all this way to just order only desserts that Max knows how to make and to say nice things about you as a waitress. Oh, you do that for me? Oh, no, I can't pull that off. If I could act, I'd sell the restaurant and get cast in two-line roles as the Doctor on any network television show. I'm Sophie's the actress. And trust me, she's got quite a repertoire. starting In bed, I call her Meryl Sheetz. Do it, baby. Oh, what a lovely place! to That's the accent she uses when we play 12 Years a Sex Slave. speak now.