The Price Of Fame | STAIRWAY TO THE STARS

Here we are. Oh my god. This is your bright idea? What does it say? Oh. Esther, a god topoban, walked these steps daily. Beloved by old and young alike for fifty years and several. The pamphlet says she kept at it until she was ninety. Oh, good for Esther. I mean, I don't have that kind of energy. It's good for you. It's what they call aerobic. Yeah, I know what aerobic means. I've read where too much exercise can kill you. Like that fitness guru who dropped dead from jogging. Come on, it'll be fun. Fun? Fun like a cardiac, fun like a yeast infection, fun like dehydration, that kind of fun? Somebody's being dramatic. Come on, let's get a move on. See, it's not that bad once you get started. This is torture by any other name. You know, if anyone asked, I want to be buried sitting down holding the remote in my hand. You know, this is crazy. I really am actually a very sick woman. That's bullshit, and you know it. Ask my arteries, they'll tell you. That's from sitting in that damn easy chair of yours. I love my chair. It suits me just fine. It was up to you, you died in that thing. I can think of worse places of kicking a bucket. Such a pretty grave upholstered with flowers. You know, I think I remember these steps in an old Three Stooges movie. The one where they're delivering ice. Yeah, they shot a lot of those old moving pictures around these parts. Yeah, and all those people are dead now. And me about to join them. Hey, we talked about this, right? We just need to get you back in shape. I'm too old. Age has nothing to do with it. It's about attitude. I'll give you attitude. Hollywood disgusts me now. You make the best of any place, Laverne. I want you to take me back to my apartment, please. No. I demand that you take me back, or... Or what? If there's such a thing as elder abuse, that's definitely a crime. Come on. If we keep stopping, we'll never get to the top. Ugh, wait. You know, I think this is tough. You should have lived over where I used to, in Mount Olympus. I had to climb four blocks of hills from the bus stop on Crescent Heights. All steeper than this one. You've gained a lot of weight since then. What are you now? Three-fifty? Four-hundred? You missed about it. Don't try to make this about me. It's about saving what was left of you in this thing. You're going to be a comedian now. You keep this up, at least three times a week, and it can save your life. What could it save me from that hasn't gotten me already? You want to get your ticket punched, don't you? It happens to the best of us. The vultures are circling. Those are crows, Laverne. Crows, buzzards, seagulls. They'll eat you alive. Just ask Alfred Hitchcock. Oh, what pure joy. How many steps was that? Ninety-two. Holy. Am I glad that's over. Where's the car? Oh, honey, we're not done yet. You are shitting me. When will this nightmare end? Alright, enough with the excuses. Come on. Rape! Nobody's listening. It says here there are three sets of stairs besides the ninety-two that we just did. This one is sixty-five. Then there's twenty-four. Then there's a long concrete ramp with a final set of sixty-five steps which leads to the road above. How many is that total? Two hundred and forty-six. Shoot me now and bury me later. It's such a beautiful day. For a funeral? I could have an attack. I could actually have a heart attack. Police! Why on earth are you doing this to me? Because I cannot believe you let yourself go like this. Says the man who weighs how much? Look, I found these old publicity pictures of you. Oh, where did you get those? On the internet. You need to look at these. I was there when they were taken. You used to be so beautiful, Laverne, when you first moved out west. That was another person. A stranger. You were drop-dead gorgeous. So sexy, so alluring. And look at you now. What? The crepitness. Creeping all over you. Have you glanced in your own mirror lately? Hey, I lost seven ounces last week. Congratulations. Do we really have to go on? We made a deal, remember? Okay, let's get this over then. Match games on TV at three. I'm telling you, Laverne, you are fading fast. You need to get your eyes checked, buddy. I'm doing just fine. That's the spirit. Just a little further, and we'll stop between sections for rest. Willpower. Triumph over adversity. Vim and vigor. Bitch all you want. But that's what it takes to survive. Oh, God. It's gonna get worse. I know it. See? That's what I mean. You're just always so goddamn self-defeating. You're always looking for the easy way out, ever since you hit 70. Hey, 70 hit me. So we're blaming the clock now? Why not? Would you look at that. See how far you've come? Not bad, huh? Damn straight. Hey, you need to rise up to yourself, Laverne. I should be close to it. Really close. I want to die. Can't you understand? I am sick and tired of all this. I'm over you lately. What lately? I've known you six months. Six seconds, six minutes, six days, six months. It doesn't take a caring person long to see what's wrong with you. Oh, and you're gonna tell me. Tell me what? Everything you don't want to hear. If this be hell, you must be the devil. No, I'm your friend, lady. The last one you have left. Listen, since you moved into the building, no one comes and sees me. They're all afraid of you. You. That's right. I can be a pretty scary person. Time out's over. A whistle. You brought a whistle. I can't go on. You mean you won't. I won't. Let's go, Laverne. When we get to the top, there's downhill all the way to where we parked the car. There may be an ice cream cone from Baskin Robbins. Double scoop. We'll see. Come on. We can rest again when we get to the ramp. You'll have to carry me. No way, Jose. Wait. Nothing worse than a hanger-on. If he doesn't move soon, I'll have to. Floats around the building like he's in his prime, if he ever had one. Can't you see how ridiculous he looks in his god-awful bathing outfit? I don't even want to know what he does with that creepy resident manager of ours, Tommy. Douche! Douche! Douche! Asshole! He's always telling everyone what a hardened social climber he is, how he's going to make it big someday in Hollywood. Fat chance. The only way he'll be bigger is in actual size. Keep going, girl. You're doing great. I have to stop. You should. Not now. I had a stroke, remember? A minor one. Damage? Repairable, the doctor said. What's done is done. I'm the only one who has suffered this much ever. Not so, Laverne. Simply not so. You don't know what it's like falling into pieces. You think this is easy for me? You know, you're poisoned by that kind of thinking. I wonder if there's any hope for you. Then give up, please. No. We're going to get back in shape, and that's all there is to it. Come on. Why is this so hard? Oh, no. What now? I've got a dose of the tetanus from this rusty handrail. You know what that means? What? Lockjaw is sitting in. I'm not listening to you anymore. Is this almost over? Give me a push, big boy. Come on. You know, normally I would say no, but since you're actually trying, I guess I can. That helps. Give me a push. This is it. Laverne. The kicker. I feel it coming. Are you okay? What does it look like, dumbass? Breathe deep, now. It's weak. I know. It's all red hot. It's just my insulin circulation. Acres and acres of it. Not too much, now. Give me a push. Give me a push, boy. Wow. Look at those marvelous clouds. You missing the beauty of it, Laverne? I'll be floating up there with them soon enough. Okay, time's up. Here we go. Do we have to? We've come too far to go back down. One more flight left and we're done for the day. You've ruined what's left of my legs. And look at that. What? My veins. They're popping out from the heat. You had the varicose way before I met you. And what about that? There's a red line running up my leg. You never stop, do you? You know what? Whine and rant all you want. You're on your own the rest of the way. I'll meet you at the top. You're leaving me? This is just one of those things you're going to have to do on your own or die trying. Ugh. Nancy shancy. Cheap bastards. We should have a lift up here if it cripples. Rescue! Mountain rescue! You'd care if I collapsed or a pack of coyotes attacked me. Come on, girl. You got this. Shut up. Show off? I thought I'd be a mention bringing the chariots around. You took your sweet time about it. Maliburn. Don't be ungrateful. Hop in. I can do it. So how about some ice cream? But I'm decrepit, remember? And decrepit people shouldn't eat sweets. Let's consider it a little reward. For not dropping dead? No, for actually being a tough old broad that I'm proud to call my friend. You want something. What is it? Nothing, really. In fact, I'm giving you a star for today. Well, it better be a gold one for all I've been through. And a gold one it shall be. Let's get going. I have a yen for pralines and cream. Hmm. Double scoop? You talked me into it. What are you having? Raspberry sorbet. You on a diet again? Aren't I always? You fat ****, yeah? You're hilarious. You stole that from the Sobrietos. Let's step on it, Tony.