The Loch Ness Hoax

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alastair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And James, it's time to saddle up, because you and me are going on a gawk hunt. Oh, right. Okay. I'm glad that makes sense now. It's April. Yes. The month of fools, and this episode was recorded on April the 1st, That is right. Also known in Scotland as Hunty Gawk Day. And I would like to share with you, James, some of Scotland's pranksome traditions, as well as what I think might be the greatest hoax in the history of a little body of water that I like to call Loch Ness. And you like to call Loch Ness. I could call it Loch Ness. So that's wrong. Well, let's have a listen. Hello, James Shakeshaft. Oh, hello, Alastair Beckett-King. James, I'm mad at you. Why? I'm mad. I'm angry about something you did. Oh, no. I'm hopping with rage. Oh, I'm ever so sorry. Ah, James, I'm not mad at you. It was a joke. Oh, thank goodness. It was in April's Fools. Oh, it was April's... Do you remember? It was April's Fools. Yes, it's the time people confuse joking with lying. Lying. Yes. Oh, I know I've mentioned before on the podcast how much I hate April Fool's pranks. And if I'm being honest, all jokes cannot stand it. Just tell the truth all the time. How is the tour going? Oh, no, I can't lie. Oh, dear. No, it's going well, actually. It's going well. And James, it's April Fool's Day today. It is. And the listener might think we're doing an April Fool on them because it's not for them. But it is for us. It is for us. That also means that, Alistair, you do look a day over 40. Oh, no. Can we go back to lying? Yes, I'm 40. Well done. Welcome to the club. Downhill from here. Yes. But also, the little spoiler is, it turned out we've been going downhill for a few years before we were ready. Yes, yes. Who doesn't like going downhill? That's the nicer side of the hill, isn't it? Let's just roll my way down into a comfortable valley. Yeah, just careen towards a fence. Well, that's a way to wish someone a happy birthday, isn't it? Yeah, you're doing terribly at this. But happy the day after my birthday to everyone. Yes. And it is at the time of recording, the 1st of April, also known as? April Fool's Day. Also known as All Fool's Day. All Fool's Day. Also known as Hunty Gawk Day. Excuse me? Yeah. In Scotland, April Fool's Day is also known as Hunty Gawk Day, Gawking Day, and Hunting the Gawk Day. Really? Yeah. Is this like a haggis hunt thing? Well, kind of. Hunting the gawk, I think literally means hunting the cuckoo. So according to Edward W.B. Nicholson's 1897 book about Galsby, a place in Sutherland, gawk means cuckoo. And he says that Jameson, in his dictionary, has suggested that the phrase hunt the gawk arose from young people vainly trying to catch sight of the cuckoo, which flew further off whenever they got near it. So he thinks that the origin of hunting the gawk comes from hunting the cuckoo. I think it might be something simpler than that, because in America, they have the concept of hunting the snipe, which is also a bird, and means exactly the same thing, which is like playing a prank. So I think it's just a bird that's difficult to catch. I'm no twitcher. By no means a hunter. I'm in no way an expert on birds. But just through sort of layman's bird interactions, they do tend to run away when you get near them, or even fly in most cases. So I don't really see how that's different to all standard bird procedure. Exactly. In some cases, pigeons, though, will run for as long as they can before flying. You know, the way pigeons really hate to fly and they'll walk it for as long as they can and then be like, oh, come on. It's like me going for a bus. Yeah, except without flying, except it's breaking into a jog rather than flying. I see. Yes. Trying to avoid breaking into a jog. Gawk now refers to the fool of April Fool's Day as well as cuckoo. So the gawk is the is the person who is doing the hunt. That's the weird thing about this, because the gawk hunt is basically a big old prank described in the law and language of schoolchildren by Iona Archibald Opie in 1977. That sounds like it's a joke name. It's a real person. If it starts with Iona, it's like, wait a minute, what's the surname going to be? Iona Opie, I suppose. I don't get it. So what would happen is the gawk would be given a little message and be told, go and take this note to somebody else, probably quite far away. And they would go and take that note and the other person would read that note and then go, oh, you've made a mistake. No, this isn't for me. Fold it back up and hand it back and say, you've got to take this to yet another person. And that would go on until the gawk, the fool realised something was up and read the note, which would say something like, according to Opie, don't you laugh and don't you smile, hunt the gawk another mile. So basically, the note told the person to keep sending the gawk back and forth and back and forth for as long as possible. It's your tartan paint. It's your skyhooks. Exactly. I think there's a name for that. It's your long wait. Which is, according to Christ in a Hole, it's Christina Hole. An unexpected show up from her. Yeah, exactly. Well, I mean, this is just after Easter, so he's not in that hole now. From her 1970 book, British Folk Customs, she describes it as a bootless errand. Those, as you say, skyhooks, tartan paint. My favourite is the long wait. Get a long wait, yes. So you can send something down. You've got to go and ask for a long wait, yes. Can I have a long wait? And they're like, yeah, OK, give me 10 minutes. Yeah. Very nice. She says, the young and innocent may be sent to fetch a pint of pigeon's milk, a penny worth of strap oil, and then gives a list of other ones, left-handed screwdrivers, elbow grease, cooking glue, smooth sandpaper, square rings, boxes of straight hooks, buckets of blue steam, reels of tartan cotton, striped paint, with the stripes not less than half an inch wide, and whitewash for the last post. I suppose that's a bit of a... We don't really have... We don't really do first and last post and second post these days, do we? Oh, right, OK. It's not a phrase anymore. Yeah, it's a clever joke that doesn't really work anymore. Right. I've never heard the phrase bootless errand before, but I guess bootless errand describes what I would have called as snipe hunts. Those... Those funny little challenges. That is good. For the new boy. Or, as we've discussed before, writing in the school dictionary, like turn to page 74. Yeah, a secret. Some sort of secret. That is kind of a gawk hunt, isn't it? Of course, you've got to do it before midday. Even in Scotland, the rules apply. If you try and prank someone after midday, you're in trouble, as this rhyme from Edinburgh says. Hunty goaks past, and you're a silly ass. Up the tree and down the tree, and you're a fool as well as me. So there you go. But that's not true across all of Scotland. No? No. Apparently, in some parts, there was like a second pranking day the next day on the 2nd of April. Have you ever heard of such a thing? No. Is that Revenge Day? Maybe that is the opportunity. It's called Taily Day. And the custom for Taily Day, again, according to Christen Holt and Christina Holt, is to pin paper tails onto people's backs. Now, you'll have remembered this from school, James. Oh, yes. They might, for instance, say, kick me. Kick me hard, she says, is written on these papers. And the wearer suffers on account of this. I've had that happen to me. Have you been kicked hard? Because someone wrote kick me. I've had a kick me popped on. Been kick me'd? Yeah, it existed. With paper? Fully tagged on a piece of paper? Yeah, yeah. And did someone kick you? That was a bad break time. How many kicks did you get in before you realised something was up? It was, yeah, it was, you know, more than normal. Compared to an average break time? Hmm, yeah. Oh, James. I know. You're so tall, though, it'd be hard to pin something on your back. Surely you heard them erecting the stepladder? Yes, it was three other students in a Mac on each other's shoulders. I'm sorry for bringing back painful memories. Pranks are rubbish, aren't they? They are, broadly speaking, rubbish. If you want to kick someone, you can just kick them. I mean, no, sorry, that's not what I'm saying. You don't, don't do that, kids. I know a lot of kids listen to this and turn to us for guidance. Yes, don't. It's bad to kick. Don't kick people. Yes. So I was looking up Hunter Gowk Day and reading about all of these Scottish children's pranks, which were, frankly, I would say, mostly unimpressive. I think in the law and language of school children, there was one girl who told her auntie that her boyfriend was calling, but it was actually the butcher. So she answered sort of flirtatiously, and the butcher was like, I was just calling about sausages or something. But that's not really, that's not a good prank, really, is it? Oh, it's a small lie. So it's another lie. It's just a lie. And so I decided I would try and find the greatest prank in Scottish history. Oh, yes. Is this the Stone of Scone 2? The sconing. This time, we're not going to drop it. Well, I don't know if this is the best prank ever, but whenever I describe this podcast, I always say that we do small stories. We don't do the big ones like, and then I say Robin Hood and the Loch Ness Monster. Yeah. James, I'm about to break that rule. What? Come with me to Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. Uh-oh, has Robin Hood got lost? It's early morning. It's misty. It's foggy. It's the 1st of April. Try not to remember that. OK. Try not to remember that it's April Fool's Day. That is crucial to what is about to happen. It's 1972. Cool. The era of bell-bottoms and sideburns. Yeah, probably avocado bathroom sweets. Avocado covered everything. Yes, a bathroom full of avocados in those days. It was the hot new pair. Yes. Those microphones are long, thin microphones, like a magic wand. They couldn't get rid of the microphones, so they just made them thinner. Yes. But it looked really weird. If they thought that you couldn't see the microphone, it just meant that presenters, e.g. Noel Edmonds, just looked like they were making a fist whenever they were talking to people. If they really thought you couldn't see a microphone, that is the image that they're giving off. That is what Noel Edmonds like when he's talking to people, isn't he? Just joyous. Yeah, you keep it quiet. He's so angry. James, here we are. We're standing outside the Froyers Hotel, nine miles from Inverness, according to the Pottstown Mercury. The Pottstown Mercury tells this story. It sounds like a doodah. It does sound fairly doodah. The beginning of a doodah. If we were to look out towards Loch Ness, what do you think we might see, James? Mist. Yeah, there's probably some mist and fog, probably some atmos. What else? Someone tootling on their bagpipes and the notes floating out over the loch. Couple of kids blowing on their thistle whistles. Yeah. Okay. Apart from this normal Scottish background noise, if you could just move past that, we might see eight zoologists. Eight? Yes, led by Terence O'Brien. And there's some kind of activity. They seem very excited, James. What could they be excited about? Shall we go a little closer? Yeah. Is this an eel? Is it a small eel? James, they're dragging something ashore and it is not small. It's 18 feet long and it weighs one and a half tons. Whoa. It's only the Bloomin' Loch Ness Monster, James. They've killed and caught it. They have found dead the Loch Ness Monster. Wow. And you and me, we were there. Yeah. On the 1st of April. Don't think about that. Okay. This is how the Potsdam Mercury reported it. Scottish police intercepted a truck heading for England on this April Fool's Eve with a green and scaly creature found dead in Loch Ness, home of the legendary monster. A team of English zoologists claimed to have found the thing off the shore of the Scottish Lake Friday morning. They bundled it into a small truck and headed for their base at the Flamingo Park Zoo in Scarborough. As Scarborough as you and I would say. And that Flamingo Park Zoo, James, was none other than Flamingoland. Flamingoland. Oh, nice one. Do you remember Flamingoland from previous episodes? I'm sure we've discussed Flamingoland before. Are you just finding out about Flamingoland now? Yeah, I think so. What? It's the Alton Towers of the North. What? It's the Chessington World of Adventure of Flamingos. Wait, what? Is it the Diggerland of the pink birds? We do also have a Diggerland, James. Give us some credit. OK. Is there a Flamingo World that's better? No, there's no Flamingo World. There's no Euroflamingo. Oh, wow. It's just Flamingoland. There's no Tokyo Flamingoland. No, there isn't. It's a zoo slash theme park in the North East in Yorkshire. Oh, yeah. And it's called Flamingoland now because they've got rides. But back in the 70s, it was called Flamingo Park Zoo. And it had sent this contingent of eight zoologists, which seems like a lot. But they were visiting Loch Ness, looking for evidence of the Loch Ness monster. And James, they struck it pretty lucky. Wow. Until they tried to make their getaway with what they had found. The carcass. I return you to a news anchor from the Pottstown Mercury. The Fifeshire Police stopped the truck under a 1933 Act of Parliament prohibiting the removal of unidentified creatures from Loch Ness. The body was taken to nearby Dunfermline for examination. Now, I've done a cursory search. I'm not convinced that there is a 1933 law making it illegal to take things out of Loch Ness. I just don't think there is. Isn't 33, though, isn't that a pivotal date in Loch Ness history? Correct, James. I'm very impressed with you for remembering that. Is that the vicar? Is it the vicar? That's the first photograph. Yeah, by that vicar. So 1933 is the date of the obviously fake first photograph of Nessie. So I just think it's unlikely in the year that the first photograph of it came out, they passed a law saying, oh, if anyone finds it, you're not allowed to take it away. Just seems unlikely to me. Can't find a law that would say that. Wouldn't that be the time when they need to come up with the law? It's just scrambling posh MPs out of their beds. We need to pass a law preventing the stealing of Nessie, which I have just heard of. It seems unlikely to me. But on the other hand, would the police lie? Can the police lie to you, James? Because they want to have a look in your van. They probably can. If you don't call them up. Get a lawyer. When were the batteries last changed on that lie? This is what I've seen viral videos advising you. If the police ask you any questions, just say nothing. Just get a lawyer. Just ask for a lawyer straight away. Don't let them look in the van. That's what they say on the internet. Even if you stop to ask them for directions, get a lawyer. Don't get a lawyer. And that is advice that should well have been heeded by the Flamingo Land zoologists. But what was in that van? Don Robertson, director of the Flamingo Park Zoo said, I've always been skeptical about this Loch Ness monster, but this is definitely a monster. No doubt about that. And he's a zoologist, James, so there you have it. From the reports I've had, no one has ever seen anything like it before. A fishy, scaly body with a massive head and big, protruding teeth. And a layman said pretty much the same thing. Roderick McKenzie, a 23-year-old Inverness musician, said, I touched it and put my hand in its mouth. It's real, all right. I thought it looked half bear and half seal. Green in colour, with a horrific head like a bear, with flat ears. I was shocked. Is he a toddler? What are you doing? Like, that is just... I touched it and put my hand in its mouth. I put my hand in its mouth. That's just what toddlers do. What would you do if you saw the Loch Ness monster, James? Well, I don't know. Was it alive? No, it was dead. Okay, maybe I would put it in my... I don't know, I wouldn't go straight... I don't know if I'd want to... He admits it, James. Get a lawyer. Get a lawyer now, because you have really incriminated yourself there. You shouldn't have answered my question. I don't think I put my hand in its mouth. You don't think you put your hand in its mouth? How can you know if it's really the Loch Ness monster? I don't know. I don't. To be honest, this is probably why I'm not a zoologist. Well, I mean, maybe you're not a zoologist, but maybe some of these guys shouldn't have been zoologists either. Sorry, can I just correct myself? Go for it, yeah. Just a Loch Ness photography correction. It wasn't a vicar, it was a gynecologist. Really? Yeah, the surgeon's photograph from 1934 is Robert Kenneth Wilson, a London gynecologist. And was it... My memory of it, and this is pure memory, is that it was a submarine, wind-up submarine you could buy in Woolworths with a plasticine monster on top. I think so, yeah. It was reportedly a toy submarine built by Christian Sperling, the son-in-law of Marmaduke Wetherill. Gynecologist, was it? He was an actor and big game hunter. You've got to have a backup. Yeah. You have to have a backup. Coming in with a net with Guess Who in it. It's a game. I'm sorry, James, I'm tired. I'm 40 now. Well, yeah, you've got to have your naps. Yeah, Marmaduke Arundel Duke Wetherill, British South African actor, screenwriter, film producer, film director, and big game hunter. The Potsdam Mercury concludes, The eight-member zoo team, headed by Terence O'Brien, said a large lump was seen floating at 9am Friday offshore from the Froyers Hotel, nine miles from Inverness. The scientists went out in a boat and dragged the thing to shore. Mrs Marguerite Goode, manager of the hotel, saw them load the creature onto the truck. The zoologists were thrilled to bits, she said. Well, I can see why. Now we've got Marguerite Goode's testimony. It sounds like the zoologists thought they were dealing with the real package, the full enchilada, Nessie, his or herself. Yeah, they'd all put their hands in its mouth. Yeah. Now, did you notice anything about his description of it, though, with like the body of a seal, but the head of a bear? Have you ever seen a head of a seal, James? Oh, yeah. It's a bit like the head of a bear, really, when you think about it. It looks like a wet bear, yeah. It'd be like a wet bear, a bear of the seas, if you will. They're all kind of dog-like. Yeah, I think what we're seeing here is Roderick Mackenzie's unfamiliarity with what big seals look like. In fact, and this is going to shock you, so take a minute. Listener, if you're not sitting down, please sit down. It wasn't the Loch Ness Monster. What, what, what? It was a bull seal. Oh, right, on the way to a fancy dress party as a bear? Unfortunately not. Dead. A dead bull seal, but not a not a dead bull seal that just happened to die in an incriminating locale. No. A bull seal that had been frozen and shipped there for the very purpose of deception. A murder. I know, hold on. Cover up the murder of a seal. I didn't say that the seal was murdered, James. You said that, not me. I'm getting a lawyer. No comment. For some reason, all I can find are American news articles about this. The Missoulan from 1972 takes its report from the AP. I think the person responsible for the hoax was one John Shields. Oh. Who was the education officer at the zoo. Now, his 23rd birthday happened to fall upon the 1st of April, 1972. I imagine he'd been cooking this up for a while then. Well, quite. He heard about a South Atlantic bull seal which had been brought to England and very sadly died. And he did what any classic lad would do, what any sort of bantersome rascal. What would you do, James? Imagine that, you've got a bull seal. I imagine a very large flatbed freezer. What would you do? Well, after I put my hand in its mouth, I'd probably have a little think. And then just ask them to freeze it. You know what, I could do something with this. You could do something. I don't know what it's for, but I'm going to do something with that. In fact, I think I've said the name wrong. It's a bull elephant seal. The elephant seal is the type of animal. Bull is, I guess, it's a bloke. It's a male. It's a bloke. A top bloke, very much like John Shields himself. I think I've got a couple of trout from pre-COVID in the freezer still, if I'm honest. Waiting to find the most hilarious situation, flop them out onto the shore and say, oh, what's that over there? Fellas, fellas, what's that? It's a rainbow loch ness monster. According to the Missoulan, I don't know how to do the difference. Where's Missoula? What accent would Missoulan have? I just did my generic American news anchor, which sounds a bit like my impression of Dan Aykroyd, but not very much like Dan Aykroyd for the previous one. How do you spell Missoula, even? Missoula. Well, the Missoulan is spelled M-I-S-S-O-U-L-A-N. Is it Missouri? I guess it's Missouri. Yeah, Missoula, Missouri. So I'll just do a classic Missouri accent. What is that? What is the Missouri accent? Well, it's not. It's obviously Missouri. Well, just think St. Louis or St. Louis. Oh, are we in the South? It's Kansas City, St. Louis and the Mississippi River. It's the edge of the Mississippi River. Okay, all right. All right, then. This is a challenge. Don Robertson, director of the Flamingo Park Zoo in Scarborough, reported that the zoo's education officer, John Shields, had given him a statement saying that he was just trying to hoax a few friends on April Fool's Day, which happened to be Shields' 23rd birthday. The joke was to dump a frozen bull elephant seal in Loch Ness for his seven monster-hunting colleagues to find, the statement said. But it all got out of hand on Friday when the team tried to rush their discovery back to the zoo on England's northeast coast. Police chased the truck, stopped it, and took the monster to this Fifeshire County town for examination. I'm not sure which Fifeshire County town they took it to. And there, Saturday morning, two scientists from Edinburgh identified the creature as a big seal brought down from the waters of the South Atlantic. I don't know why I said brought down there. It would be brought up, if anything. Identified the creature as a big seal brought from the waters of the South Atlantic. Shields, in turn, disclosed that he got the idea for the hoax after hearing about a dead elephant seal brought back recently by an expedition to the Falkland Islands off Argentina. Robinson said he gained possession of the body and kept it in the deep freeze at another English zoo. Robinson said he understood that Shields secretly shipped the seal to Loch Ness and dumped it into the lake in the early hours Friday. How this was done was unexplained. Okay, it went a little bit Benoit Blanc at times. That's all right. That's fine. I mean, that's embarrassing for the people of Flamingo Park Zoo, particularly for Terence O'Brien, the leader of the expedition. The Jerusalem Post has a quote that I think was designed to give him some dignity back, this statement, but I'm not sure it does. The Jerusalem Post says most Britons enjoyed the joke, but Mr O'Brien was not amused. I will consider resigning, he told newsmen. I seem to be the only serious person at Flamingo Park Zoo. James, I'm the only sensible man in Flamingo Land. Am I the only normal person at Alton Towers? Very difficult position he's put himself in there. Yeah. But weirdly, the British Columbia's The Daily Colonist in April 5, 1972. Yeah, it went all over the world. For some reason, The Daily Colonist pins the entire scheme on Terence O'Brien based on him being Irish, which I can't find anything that confirms whether he's Irish or not. Obviously, he's got an Irish surname, but they've written a weirdly offensive piece, which is, you know, considering this is a story which takes place in Scotland and involves zookeepers from Yorkshire, their angle is the Irish. Wow. This is what British Columbia's... What is that? What accent is that? Just do a Colombian accent, but make it a little bit more British, a little bit more reserved, I presume. Okay, I'll read it in my own voice to avoid the inevitable offence. If the name The Daily Colonist didn't already raise flags... Yeah, I'm not surprised that they... Vis-a-vis their attitude towards the Irish. The imaginative resources of the Irish are known to everyone. As tellers of tall tales, they've always been at the head of the class. Their inventiveness usually is used to focus attention upon themselves. But this is a story about Loch Ness. We're still halfway through the first paragraph and we're still on check out the Irish. We're still having a pop at Ireland, yeah. You are burying the lead. But the recent creative caper of one of them was for the express purpose of bringing the city of Malton in, of all places, Yorkshire into worldwide view. And it was highly successful. This is the only article I've read about it that mentions Malton or the Irishness of Terence O'Brien. Had a little dig at Yorkshire as well. Having a pop at Yorkshire, of all places. Oh, how ridiculous to have a zoo in Yorkshire. Why would they need that? To look at flamingos! I suppose it's unsurprising that the... Yeah, the Daily Colonist. What was it? The Daily... The Daily Colonist! April 5th, 1972. Maybe that's the right voice for it. They give him a nickname three paragraphs later. They call him Terence the Terrific. And they say he's the education officer, which he isn't. John Shields was. Get your facts straight! So it puts the whole blame for the whole thing on Terence O'Brien. With a straight face, apparently, he told the crowds that quickly assembled with cameras and notepaper that if this is a hoax... Well, I suppose he's meant to be Irish in this version. If this is a hoax, then I have been completely taken in. This creature is like nothing I know. He might have been asked if it was anything like something he once knew. But he wasn't, apparently. The following day, April Fool's, the full story was told. And by that time, the accounts and photographs of Loch Ness, finally giving up its secret, had gone on the press wires to all parts of the globe. Sorry, I think I've slightly messed up the telling of that bit. So what actually happened? So I only think the Daily Columnist has it wrong. It's pinning everything on Terence O'Brien. I think Terence O'Brien, the leader of the expedition, was an innocent victim of the prank, not the perpetrator. He's the only sensible person in Flamingo Land, James. Yeah, I'm the only guy not messing around in Legoland. I'm the only person not using a digger in Diggerland. Come on. I feel like the only serious man in Windsor Safari Park. So I think that's completely unfair. I think the Daily Columnist has got it wrong and has allowed its, frankly, offensive preconceptions about the Irish or people with Irish surnames to override its devotion to accurate reportage there. Yes. In fact, it was the education officer, John Shields, trying to come up with, trying to play a fun, it's my birthday prank on his colleagues. He's kind of got, it's a bit Batman villain vibe though, isn't it? He's twisted by the fact that his birthday's on April the 1st. He must, maybe a lot of people in his past would be like, oh yeah, we're definitely coming to your party later. Oh yeah, in the morning. And he was so scarred by that. Yeah, that he took it out on the seal, on the bull elephant seal community. Yeah, and he became some kind of joker-like figure. Yeah. Getting his revenge. Again, James, he didn't kill the seal. Sure. It just fell down those stairs. He just found a giant dead seal and, like anyone, saw an opportunity. I don't know why the police stopped them, but the police stopped them and it was investigated and found to be not the Loch Ness Monster, but a seal. A big seal. How did John get them up there? Were they going up there anyway to Loch Ness for his birthday? I think they were going up there to look for the Loch Ness Monster, yes. And I'll just bring my refrigerated van. I agree there are a few ellipses in this. In a really massive, smelly van. I'm just going in my van that stinks like bull seal. And you can get the coach. Or is he in the minibus too with a big bag? No, I'll carry it. Don't touch the big bag. The big greasy bag. What have you got in there? I've got a lot of pairs of pants. Capri Suns. Capri Sun is the word. I couldn't remember. It's just a big bag full of Capri Suns. Ignore it. Yeah, I heard they don't have it in Scotland, so. Yeah, so I just got loads of Capri Sun in case I want it. No, you can't have it. But if you prod it and it's all sort of wibbly, that's why. Because this is a massive bag full of a lot of Capri Suns. But the reason I think that it was John Shields acting alone is the testimony of Marguerite Goode, who said that the zoologists were thrilled to bits when they found the seal. Because I think why stage, you know, who are they staging that for? One hotelier at a distance. No, I think it's too much. I think that was a genuine reaction she was describing. But also the logistics of John. No. Yeah, of John. The logistics of John getting it in the boat. I don't know if you've ever dropped anything off a boat. It's very difficult to do it in a controlled manner. How does he know that? Yeah, how did he? I don't know how he got it off. Oh, quick. Oh, it sunk. Right, that's that. It's impressive that he achieved it. Yes, I agree. I think that's perhaps what makes it convincing that you would never think that little Johnny Shields, the birthday boy, would have driven this up all the way from England just to dump it in the loch. Maybe you could just push it into the loch and let the ripples carry it out. But then you've got to meet up with it in the boat later. It'd be really annoying to lose it, wouldn't it? Yes, your big frozen bull elephant seal. Right. You've got to admit it's a good prank. Fair play to him for pulling it off. It does raise the question, who's really in the wrong? Is it the person who plays the prank or is it the person who falls for the prank? Is this a more anti-Terry agenda? Hey, no. Terry has suffered enough at the hands of the Daily Colonist. But perhaps he deserves some criticism. But friend of the podcast, Rabby Bums, has this to say. Oh, yeah. A poem he wrote about April Fool's Day in which he asks the question, a serious question, James, that we may well ask ourselves. But is it a thing to be disputed? Which is the greatest fool reputed? The man who innocently went or he who him designedly sent? Which is to say, who is the greatest fool? The fool or the fool who pranked the fool? Fooler or the foolee. Yeah, fool you, fool me. Who's the fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, double shame. It's after midday, so. It's after midday, you've missed your chance, yeah. So back on you, mate. Yeah, who is the biggest fool? The over-excited zoologist who just wants to pop his hand in the mouth of a cryptid. The only sensible man in flamingo land. Or a man who has frozen a seal, somehow transported it up to Scotland. Who's had that in his fridge at home for weeks, rubbing his hands together, planning it. But that's the story of Hunty Gowk Day. And in my view, the greatest prank in the history of Scotland. I think the biggest trick John Shields ever pulled was convincing people not to poke his big, smelly haversack. Lovely stuff. Well, James, on this most foolish of days. Yes. Are you ready to pass judgment? Yes. The silliness stops now. Poor Johnny Shields and the children of Scotland with their rubbish pranks. My first category is, I'm just going to get it out of the way, supernatural. Yeah, there's not much. An Irishman in a zoo? A zoo in Yorkshire? Something faintly mystical about the Irish, at least in the view of the Daily Colonist. Well, I don't really want to think about what the Daily Colonist thinks about things. Whimsical mischief makers. Because you mentioned the Loch Ness Monster, I will give it a one. A one for the Loch Ness Monster. Fair enough. Unless someone has ever received striped paint. Or a pint of pigeon's milk. A pint of pigeon's milk. That's horrible. That sounds horrible. It does sound horrible, doesn't it? Yeah. I think the bigger prank would be coming back with a mystery liquid. After being sent for a pint of pigeon's milk. I found 10 and milked them. They do make milk, though. A kind of milk, don't they? Pigeons? Don't they? It depends how much you squish them. I feel bad for the pigeons now. Never imagine me pigeons. I'm imagining every squidging pigeons. Yeah. Don't squidge the pidge. Squidgins. I'm really glad you said squidgins, because my next category is names. You got that just in time for a squidgin. A squidge pigeon. To be included. I think I contributed a couple. Marmaduke Weatherall. You did. Well done with Marmaduke Weathers. Marmy Weathers. That's very Marmy Weather. Who else did we have then? Well, first of all, I would say that the bootless errands kind of count for the naming category. Cooking glue, smooth sandpaper, left-handed screwdrivers, those sorts of things. The long ways. I'll give you John Shields and Terence O'Brien are fairly prosaic names. Don Robinson's not doing any big numbers. Mrs. Marguerite Goode. I like her. Marguerite Goode. Yeah, I liked her. Yeah. So I think it's a decent three. Even including Flamingo Park Zoo is a good name. Yeah. Flamingoland. Nay. Flamingo Park Zoo. I nudged you up to a four. Oh, I should have. I should have added. The Daily Colonist mentioned some of its local cryptids. Oh, God. The Cadburrasaurus. The Ogopogo. And Sasquatches. Yeah. Is it too late? I don't want to look into that. Probably don't want to look into what those actually are. What is it? The chocolate Cadburrasaurus. It does seem to be Cadburrasaurus. In the way that dinosaurs evolved into birds, did the Cadburrasaurus evolve into Mr. Cadbury's parrot? Who, of course, lays the mini eggs. And of course, Hunty Gawkday is a good name. Hunty Gawkday. Okay. Yes, there's a decent four, actually. I was wrong. I was wrong to give it a three. All right. My next category is hook, line and stinker. Oh, very nice. Or maybe loch, stock and barrel. But I think hook, line and stinker is better. Yes. They're both great. What a prank. How hilarious to have deceived someone simply by not telling them you were playing a prank on them. Ingenious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he's done them. He's absolutely done them. And made global news. All the way from Missouri to Jerusalem. Yeah, he went viral. 1972 viral. In looking up where Missouri was, I did learn that apparently saying that you're from Missouri, it's like a phrase that means like, I'm sceptical and not easily convinced. Really? Well, that's interesting because the Missoulan article was the one revealing it as a hoax. I mean, to be fair to the people of Potsdam, the Potsdam Mercury headline is, Loch Ness Monster Captured, Maybe. He got them though. He absolutely did. And they're eight trained zoologists. It doesn't seem like a lot. It seems like a lot if you didn't know you were going to find the Loch Ness Monster. Now I think about it. Yeah, yeah. But maybe it was his birthday. He was like, come on, it's my birthday. It's my birthday. Let's go on a Loch Ness Monster hunting trip. Let's go on a monster hunting trip. All right. Yeah. So yeah, five. Absolutely five. Thank you. Five for hook, line and stinker. My final category is don't look in that bag. Yeah. You don't want to look in that bag, James. You do not. You can imagine that John probably said that a number of times during the trip. And then they said it, I guess, to the police as well. To the police. Saying, what have you got in that bag there? The first two things you'd say when confronted with a policeman, which is we've discussed is get me a lawyer and two, can I put my hand in your mouth? Just make sure you're a real policeman. You have to tell me the numbers on your shoulder and I get to put my hand in your mouth. What do you mean? Arrested. This is outrageous. I've never been treated like this. You know what? It doesn't happen as much these days. Old ladies don't hit people with umbrellas, shouting you beast anymore. Every single film in the 1970s that happened in. Yeah. And I've never seen that happen since then. They're constantly hitting people with handbags and umbrellas. Yes. What's happened to old ladies? It's all mobile phones now. The people are cracking their screen. They're all playing Pokemon Go's. They are. They're on the TikTok. They've got an app to keep the rain off them. Yeah. Yeah. They don't need umbrellas anymore. That's a shame. The words, don't look at that bag, must have been said at least five times. Easily five times. Easily. So definitely five out of five. Yes. And Merry April Fools to you, Alastair. Happy April Fools to you, James. Merry Taily Day, I suppose. Oh, yeah. Taily Day. Watch out for Taily Day. They got you before. This wasn't a made up story. This was a real. You haven't done an elaborate meta April Fools. No. And made up a story. That would have been really good. But James, I would never do that because I'm too lazy. And also I hate pranks. James, how could you accuse me of making this story up? You know, I'm not Irish. Well, there you have it, James. Were you taken in at any point in the story? I think I might have been. Had you not gone, please remember this happened on April the 1st a number of times before 12 p.m. GMT, actually BST. It has to be BST. Sorry, that is just another correction. Otherwise, we'll get a flood of letters. If anybody wants to confront us in person with their recriminations about the podcast, is there an opportunity for them to do that in the city of Oxford, James? There is, actually, on May the 25th. Part of the Oxford Podcast Festival. Yeah. Google that, you'll find it. That's vaguely the correct information. If you want to see just me before that, you can come and see me on tour. What happens is people sometimes afterwards say they really like lawmen, and I just keep that to myself and never tell James. I just enjoy that. Where can they find out about your tour, then? Hop on the old Ask Jeeves and write Nevermore, Alastair Beckett Key. James, it's the post-credits bit. Yeah, I was in the edit of this. I realised Rabby Bums, he wrote a poem for April Fool's Day. He did. He's done the theme tune for New Year's Eve. Yes, he did the New Year's Eve theme tune. What's his deal? Was he trying to get all the special days of the year? He's doing all the days, yeah. Has he got a Christmas one? I bet he has. He must have a Christmas one. Very cheeky, Rabby Bums. What time of year is that Timorous Beastie one? What, National Awareness Day for Timorous Beasties? He's done Halloween as well, definitely. He did a Halloween? He's done, oh he's done, of course he's done Halloween, James. We're talking about Rabby Bums. Oh my, he is the naughty holder of the past. It's Halloween. It's April Fool's. Well, I wish it could be. I thought that was an impression that was neither an impression of Rabby Bums or of Naughty Older. Rabby Bums? But of, yeah, Rabby Bums, sorry. To use his official title, Rabby Bums. I'm Rabby Bums. I'm Rabby Bums, and this is my, and I've sewn up every national holiday. What a cheeky so-and-so. It's a good idea though, because it means every year. Fair point of a lad. He's getting his poem residuals, which I imagine are, oh yeah. A little pouch of monies. So that was the thought I had whilst editing the podcast. It was a good thought, I'm glad you squeezed that in. Pop it in. Pop it in, pop it in at the end. See you later, everyone. Pop it in at the start, confuse people. Yes, a big Rabby Bums rant.