Stephen Colbert on the Emmys, His Wife Hating His Beard & Gifting Jimmy His Captain America Shield

Last night, our first guest capped off a tumultuous year with a shiny new Emmy for a show that was so popular, they had to pull it off of television. From Rivendell, by way of Gondor, by way of Mordor, please welcome to late night television once again, Mr. Stephen Colbert. Like a shark in the ocean, this is where you belong in a late night television studio. I don't know. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Not just to you, but to your whole staff. You guys won six Emmys. Seven, actually. Seven Emmys. Seven Emmys, yeah. I thought it was six. No, it's seven, but thanks. I'll just, I'll take one of them away from you. Anything to make you happy. Thank you for having me back. It's great to have you back. Late night TV, I remember it well. Many fond memories of this. Do you? Do you think about it ever? Nope. I will say. I have an opportunity to not think about the news every day, and I took it. You took it, yeah. You, I, you know, I, when I saw you last night, or what was, yeah, last night, I felt like you, I don't know. You just seemed like a different person. You seemed happier. You seemed healthier. Like I don't, like I don't drink a cup of poison every day? Yeah. Exactly. Because part of the job is, the old gig, as I remember it, was that, was to be lowered like carbon rods into a radioactive pool every day. And then to be pulled out and put in front of a camera and to irradiate it back at the audience at a non-lethal rad level. That's right. That's exactly the job description. Last night, we got to, you know what? It was fun because usually Emmys, you're just sitting in a row. But we got to sit with Jon Stewart and John Oliver and three of our four wives. Jon Stewart's wife, Tracy, was not there. And we got to talk. And people occasionally came over and said things to us. Yeah, that was nice, yeah. And one of those people was a photographer. Do you remember what happened with that photographer? The photographer came over and he goes, oh, look at all you. Let's get a one shot of all you, all you hosts together. So we got up and we got a little circle. And the guy said. And the guy said, oh, it's the endangered table. Look at our faces there. That's the reaction we all had to that. And if you can see, I'm smiling. But I literally said this under my breath, that joke's not as funny as you think. You gave a beautiful acceptance speech. Thank you. Thank you very much. Not just a professional part of it. Your wife, Evie, was at our table. We got to sit with her as you said this. Right. There can only be one favorite guest, and that is my wife, Evie McGee. Thank you, darling. Thank you for being my only crew and my only guest during COVID. My only audience and the only audience I really care about. Yours is the laugh that I want for the rest of my life. I love you. That's the goal. That's better than the Emmy. Do you have any idea how hard saying something like that makes it on all the rest of us? I mean, if we had won, I was planning to give my wife a high five. I really felt like I had to apologize. I had to look over my wife like, I'm so sorry. Any time you want me to say something nice about Molly, I'm happy to. It would be great. We could Cyrano de Bergerac. I could whisper in your ear something pleasant. If you could wear a mask or something like that that replicates my face, I think that would be perfect. That wouldn't be creepy at all. Did you know that you and I kissed? I know you know that. Oh, I remember. I remember. But we had a little kiss. It was a lovely moment. Before you went on stage. I high-fived Jon Stewart. I hugged John Oliver, who said, this is a travesty. And then I got a beautiful smooch from you. Yeah, and yet the cameras missed it. But somebody, luckily, TikTok is ahead of the game. There you go. Yeah. Beard on beard. His head. His head got in the way. So he couldn't see the tongue. You have to be careful. Because Velcro, if they are opposite, you can get stuck together. It'll lock in. Oh, I was so excited to win because Evie hates my beard. She does. So much. And the kiss count has gone way down. Has it? Since she warned me, if you grow a beard, the kiss count's going to go way down. Smoochy time, much shorter than that. Because it's prickly. So I said, but if I win an Emmy, she has to kiss me. Because the camera will be on us. That's right. I also told her that if I won, I would shave it off. Oh, you did? Yeah. And? I still got it. Would you want to shave? What? Can we shave you on the show? Clippers and whatever. And then we'll shave Steven. All right. That's fairly scandalous. But all right. From the neck up, right? Oh, no. We're going to do it all the way down. By the end of the broadcast, I'm going to be like an eel. Did anyone from CBS call to congratulate you on your seven Emmys? I am not familiar with that organization. Did they? I asked you this right near the end of the show. Did they let you keep your suits and your tuxedo? They did. At first, they were like, no, no, no. That all goes to storage. Someone else will wear your suits. They all say Stephen Colbert inside of them. But then we auctioned a bunch of them off. So now I have some of them. I thought I'd get like four or five suits. They sent me 40. 40 suits? And they're just sitting in a guest bedroom. I don't know what to do with them. If anyone has just got out of law school and needs a suit, please call Jimmy. He'll get the message to me. I'm glad you have 40 suits because we were at a wedding together, James Babydoll Dixon's daughter's wedding, our mutual manager. Beautiful wedding. You were wearing a beautiful tan suit. Yep. And we were sitting in a tent. That baby doll spent a lot of money. He said he rented it for like $75,000. Yeah. It actually said that on the invitation. And yet, in no way did it block the wind. That was right. And the wind, and I run to say this, the wind blew my red wine all over Stephen's beautiful tan suit. Beautiful tan suit, yeah. And then I was trying to help you clean it. And we did eventually, and I was especially worried because you told me you were going to wear that wear. To the opening of the Obama Library in Chicago, I thought it would be a nice joke just for the president to wear a tan suit. That's right. And I thought, oh, Jimmy Kimmel was so jealous of how good of a joke that was that he had to ruin it with a glass of wine. I realized how petty you were. But it came out. It came out, and I actually ended up wearing it. You did wear it. I ended up wearing it, which was fine. The suit was fine, and it got a laugh, which was nice. That's all I wanted was for the president to see it. But great. I was on a great row. How was that? It was me. And on the row I was on, it was me and Dave and Conan, me and Letterman and Conan in a row. It was a power row. And lots of great performances and everything. But there were four presidents on stage, so you couldn't move. Once they came out there, you were locked in place. We got there, it was overcast. Sun came out, brilliant sun, absolutely no sunscreen. And there's a certain point at which the sunburn stops hurting. And that's when you know you're really in trouble, because it's just nerve damage everywhere on your face. And I sent along a photo of what I looked like. There I am. That was me at the end of the Obama Library opening. Conan walked over to me and said, please tell me you're just furious. And when Conan O'Brien is worried that you got a sunburn, you know, you're in huge trouble. I went to lunch afterwards, a lovely lunch. I had a lovely lunch with Tom Hanks and Rita and Bruce Springsteen and Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg. Wow. As you do, because they were all there. And Evie and I had lunch with them. I walked in, they went, Jesus Christ. Hanks said, it looked like they'd sent me in to change the reactor core at Chernobyl. And it took two weeks. It took me two weeks to recover from that. Well, you look, your face looks fine. Thank you. Yes. And we're going to get you some clippers, and maybe we'll shave it when we come back, huh? What do you think? I have not worn a suit in a while. This is nice. It gives you the illusion of a physique. I like it. You've been working and living in New Zealand. I have. Yeah, yeah. I'm writing a new Lord of the Rings movie. I'm the luckiest guy in the world. It was something that I started working on two years ago, long before we got canceled. And I really didn't think I'd have time to work on it. I feel like I'm playing the world's best game of go fish. Yeah, absolutely. Timing is beautiful. And even more beautiful, you're working, you're writing it with your son. Right. I'm writing with my son, Peter McGee, and Philippa Boynes, who wrote the movies with Peter Jackson. The three of you are writing together. What is that like, writing with your son? Like, do you, are there arguments? Who wins? Do you send him to his room if you don't like? No. No, he understands screenwriting better than I do. I'm there just because I'm incredibly obsessive about the Lord of the Rings. Who knows more about the Lord of the Rings? Well, I thought I knew more about the Lord of the Rings. And then I found out, you know, as Sondheim wrote, children will listen. It turns out, I asked him actually just, would you help me research this? This is how it started off. And he goes, no, I don't want to work with you. And I said, I understand that. But I really need somebody. And I can't tell anybody I'm working on this because I got a gig. Would you please do that? And it turns out he knew more about the Lord of the Rings than I did. Wow. He had read all the deep lore and everything like that. And he and Philip are talking like this twin language right now. And I'm like, guys, there are other books. This is like your dream come true, isn't it? What could be better? Yeah. And like, how far can you go when you're writing, when you're adapting something like this? Can you, like, if you wanted to have like, Gandalf throwing a Frisbee, could you, could that, would that be allowed? I might have, if those of us who are just joining us, before the break, I said that I had lunch with Steven Spielberg recently. And Spielberg says to me, all right, tell me everything about the Lord of the Rings film. Tell me everything. And you sign all kinds of NDAs before you're allowed anywhere near one of these sets. And he knows that. Right. And, you know, there are lawyers. And I don't know. I'm, you know, I'm new, I'm new to all of this. And so I was super nervous. So I just said, OK, here's what happens. Frodo teams up with a time traveling dinosaur. And he goes, you can tell me. I'm Steven Spielberg. I know Peter Jackson. And I was terrified, too. I was afraid I would get in trouble. So I didn't tell him anything. And then later I told our writing partner, Philippa Boyne, she goes, you idiot. He might have had a good idea. He's Steven Spielberg. Yeah, well, you did the, listen, you know what? Steven, if you're watching, I'm ready to take your call. Listen, you got fired from one job this year. You don't need two. No, I don't, I don't. I recommend it, though. So much free time. New Zealand was great. The loveliest country. You can throw a dart anywhere on the map. It's so beautiful that you say, like, I should just live here and be a man. Because it's very wild. It's very, very beautiful. And the people make everyone else in the world seem like jerks. They're incredibly nice. Did you go all over the place? Did you drive around and see everything? I went to a studio and I sat down and I typed. You did, really? Yeah, I didn't do anything. No, no exploration. No exploration. Evie, Evie and the kids did. They came down. Evie and my son, John, came down for just a week in the middle. And I, I'm in, I am now, I'm now a criminal in New Zealand. I got pulled over at 9am picking them up from the airport. I haven't been pulled over since I was in high school. Really? And the Kiwi cops are the nicest people in the world. It doesn't mean, I'm sure they're very effective. But this Kiwi cop pulled me over and I never got his name. And I got the ticket and I paid the ticket. And they don't put his name on it. But we just call him Officer Speedwork now. And my son, would you be okay if I told, help, get my son's help to tell the story? Yeah, sure, bring him out. So he's, no, he's not here. I actually, I asked for my phone to be out here for this part of the story. Oh, okay. My son is in New York. He's in a car. I think, hope he's pulled over by the side of the road. Is your son John? This is my youngest son, John. He was with us in the car when I got pulled over. And I just can't impress upon you how nice they are while they also give you a ticket at the same time. He just, he pulled over and said, we're doing a bit of speed work today. And I didn't know what that meant. And I thought that he was just pulling me over because there was construction or something like that. And this is basically how the, this is basically how we call him, being pulled over. See that you're a pro. You know how to mic the phone and everything. It's incredible. What seems to be the problem, officer? Hey there. So, we're doing a little bit of speed work here. What, I'm sorry, we're doing what? We're doing what? Speed work. What is, what is, what is speed work, officer? Well, we're, we're working on the speed. Is there some problem? Did I, I didn't, was I speeding? I didn't, I wasn't aware. Well, I'm so glad you asked. So, as part of this speed work we're doing, we're trying to keep the speed of these cars down to about 30 kilometers an hour. Now, you were doing about 45. I'm an American. Is that a lot? I don't, it's more than 30, isn't it? Hey, do you need to see some ID or anything like that? You're one step ahead of me, aren't you? You clever cookie. I would love to see your ID. Well, here, here you go, officer. All right, just gonna have a quick look-see, see if you're in our system. All right, look at this. You're not in the system, you're a bloody ghost. I'm sorry, I'm a what? You're a ghost, inspector. Am I free to go? Well, not just yet, you eager beater. So, first of all, I would love to ask you a couple of questions. Have you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours? 24 hours? That's right. No. Okay, well, let's find out. Because I would love to have you give a little blowy into this little device I've got right here. I'm sorry, give a what? A blowy, cheeky blowy. You want me to give you a little cheeky blowy, okay. Real quick, if you don't mind. Sure, I imagine I did that. Okay, beep, beep. You're all good, all right. So, you can check out just fine, no big deal. It's gonna be a ticket of about $80 and 20 demerit points on your license. How's that? I'm sorry, 20 demerit points? What's a demerit point? Well, you know what the weird merit means? Yeah, I know what the word merit means. Okay, so you've got 20 less of them now. Thank you, officer. I'm gonna credit him as, uh, what's his name? What's the character's name again? His name is Officer Speedwork. Officer Speedwork. Hey, speaking of Speedwork, you want to shave that, uh, that beard of yours? Telling them I'm really with the sheep in New Zealand, huh? I'm not sure that is a beard, that might be a goatee. Why don't we take a break and, um, Stephen will continue to shave. When we'll be right back with, uh, freshly shaven Stephen. Nice, you. Heavy's gonna be very, very happy. You can finally get kissed again. Time for smoochies. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to save your beard hair and I'm going to start a collection of late night beard hair. Maybe I'll ask Dave Letterman to give us some of his, he's got plenty. And you can use that in the future to clone a whole new race of late night hosts. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Who have nothing to do. They'll all still be white. You're on the Late Show set. This is very interesting. It's going to the Museum of Broadcast Communications in Chicago. Yeah, which is where I started my career. That's fun. So it's a great feeling. Yeah, maybe I'll send them a little bit of your hair. Please do. One thing that is not going to Chicago that was part of your set is something, a very special gift you sent me and it meant a lot to me. Thank you for sending this to me. I want to... Glad you liked it. You want to talk about her for a second before I reveal what it is? I think in 2000, it was 2006 or 2007, when I was doing the show called The Colbert Report. That was a super patriot, super patriot character. And it was the, Marvel Comics had the Civil War series of the comic books, the physical comic books. And in those, Steve Rogers, Captain America, gets assassinated. Spoiler. And I got a letter from Joe Quesada, who we both know. Yeah. It was head of Marvel at the time, Marvel Comics. And he said, listen, we open caps WILL. And we read Steve Rogers' WILL. And in the WILL, it says that he believed the only person patriotic enough to wield the solid vibranium shield was Stephen Colbert. So they had a shield that had been hanging on the wall at Marvel, a Captain America shield, had been hanging since 1960 on the wall. And they sent it to me. And that hung on my set for the next 20 years. Yeah. And so when my set, when we were taking apart the set, I knew exactly where I wanted to send the shield. So I wrote you a letter and I sent you the shield. And here is the shield. And if you don't, would you mind if I install this permanently on my set? It's your shield, man. All right, let's do it. Here we go. Because, Stephen, I want to be able to see it when I'm doing the monologue every night. And so I'm going to put it right there for all time, or at least however much time we have left. Captain America, Stephen Colbert's shield. Thank you so much, Jimmy. Thank you. Stephen Colbert, everybody.