They Want Your Attention Not a Relationship—10 Years as a Therapist

Dating is getting really hard for people. This is across the board. We're seeing people getting really burned out, fatigued, frustrated and fed up of modern dating culture. Now there's loads of patterns within this that make it really really difficult and problematic and there's a pattern that I've seen over and over and over again talking to clients all around the world working as a therapist for over 10 years. So one of the biggest problems that I see regularly with people is very simple. They're confusing intention with attention. Now it's nice when somebody is giving you their attention. It's nice when somebody is blowing up your phone. They're connecting with you. They're messaging. There's a bit of flirting. There's a bit of over and back. You're in that potential phase. You think it might be going somewhere. You're romanticizing the idea of what it could be but you still need to reality test what this is. Attention feels nice but it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to be established on their relationship and this is really really important. Somebody might be checking your social media. They might be on your stories. They might be blowing up your phone. They might be telling you that they're going to make plans. They might be messaging and opening up about certain things but that doesn't mean that this is going to move the needle forward to anything that's actually constructive or he's even on the same page. He's even on the same things because some people genuinely just thrive from novelty. Messaging and meeting new people. Getting their attention. Sometimes just unloading some emotional stuff on them. Maybe using them for physical company to regulate their nervous systems. To occupy spaces like a placeholder in their life and the thing is it's not fair on the person that's on the receiving end that thinks that this could be something meaningful. That thinks this could be something genuine. Now you can contrast this very very sharply with somebody who is operating with intention. Their words match their behavior first and foremost. There's a consistency to the way that they communicate. They're very upfront about who they are, what they want and their expectations around what they would like from a relationship. You can see this very very clearly. There's no ambiguity around if they like you and that doesn't mean that they have to come on super strong but they know what they're looking for. They're very consistent and dependable in that way. They tell you they're going to meet you on a Wednesday at eight o'clock. They will be there a Wednesday at eight o'clock. If they're going to make plans they're going to be upfront about including you within it. There's not going to be any of these mind games, this ambiguity, not knowing where you stand. Somebody that's dating with intention sees the value of a relationship and is also regulated and confident enough to communicate their feelings, their expectations and how they're experiencing the pattern. Somebody that's only dipping in and dipping out to get their needs met or to get your attention or they just mess about leaves you way more dysregulated, leaves you way more confused. If you've got a history of chaotic relationships, if you've got a history of up and down bullshit behavior dealing with people on apps, this gets normalized but it doesn't make it normal. It also doesn't make this healthier acceptable behavior to be taken from another adult that's claiming that they want to get to know you, claiming that they want to be in a relationship with you. Their behavior is not indicating intention. It's not indicating respect for you, respect for your time, respect for your schedule, your emotions. You know, all the things that you've communicated that you want from a partner, they're not really meeting that with a degree of dignity and respect. Somebody that is dating with intention, you won't have to question that. There'll be a lot more solid, consistent, concrete evidence they fall back on and it's so important that you realize this. Attention might feel nice in the moment but it will leave you dysregulated more often than not. Intention is much more solid. It lays the foundation for something substantial to actually grow and there is a greater feeling of being chosen by the partner. Now it's not about just being chosen. You're also the chooser on this. So with attention, sometimes people can get fixated on this idea of does the person like me, why are they not messaging back, why have they dipped again and that is why the attention pattern is so frustrating because then you're in rumination, you might be catastrophizing, you might be second-guessing yourself and look, there is elements of that that are under your control but at the same time we have to look at the other person's behavior and where this is triggering this response. You simply don't get that with somebody that's dating with intention. If they tell you they're going to message you at the end of the day, they will. If they tell you they want to see, they'll follow through. So one of the big things they take from this is like people that are messaging you about that are not really consistent, that don't know who they are, what they want or they're just playing games, they will consistently treat you like an option. They will dip in, they will dip out, their communication will be erratic, it'll be unpredictable, there'll always be an excuse. The way I look at this is when somebody is certain that they want to get to know you, they want to spend the time with you, they will make things work. They'll show up like it matters because they see the value in what you are and what you offer as a potential partner and that's something to keep very very clear in your mind. Is this person just looking for my attention, the physical connection, the emotional presence or are they operating with intention? Do they actually really want to see where this goes? Do they actually like me for me? Remember you're the chooser as much as you're the chosen, so rather than trying to mould yourself and do something to keep this person's attention or to try and have them around, I actually start to think do you like this person? What do you even know about this person and anchor that on as well. Now these are some of the most frustrating patterns I see people going through with dating and no wonder people are getting burnt out and fed up and wanting to move back to in-person experiences because so much of this behaviour gets normalised and it shouldn't be. The reality is it's not healthy and we should not be accepting this as a standard for people that are trying to move a relationship forward. You wouldn't have got away with this years ago if you were courting somebody, if you were trying to meet them, they just wouldn't have accepted being messed around like this but somehow in the digital landscape this has become completely normalised. Look, obviously there's more to this. If you want to explore your patterns and create change around this going forward, you can drop me an email for All other than that, you can click the link in the bio and get in touch. Thanks for watching. I'll see you in the next one.